I am just having a very hard time coping with everything.
I cry all of the time now for every little reason.
I don’t feel like doing anything. I was doing so well and now I feel worse than I did when I first found out. I thought that time was supposed to help things get better. Because my H had A’s with my best friend, and had OC with her that they kept a secret for 10 years, I am having so many awful thoughts and memories of all the intimate, personal things that I told FOW. We were very close.
I remember all of the times when our families were together and my H, FOW and FOWH knew that this child was my H’s. I think I may be going crazy or something with this overload of memories and emotions. And now it is Christmas time and my family wants nothing to do with my H, they think I should just up and leave him. It is going to be a lonely Christmas. They don’t even call me…
I try to put on a happy face for my children but I think they can see right through me.
My ego has taken a beating over this. I don’t feel very good about myself anymore. FOW is a flashy blonde, me, I am the opposite of her, just a little brunette – I don’t stand out at all. I used to have so much more confidence but now I don’t have any. I feel like my whole world was shattered. My counselor says that I am a very strong woman and that I handled everything properly, but I don’t feel that way at all.
How do I cope?
How do you cope?
How do I get rid of all these thoughts and images zooming around in my brain?
I didn’t even ask to know any of the intimate details, because she was my best friend, I don’t think that I can bear to hear them. Part of me wants to know what went on, but the other part doesn’t. Besides when I did talk to FOW, I got different answers than my H gave me. I just don’t know who to trust anymore. I don’t trust anyone and am afraid I am becoming a very bitter woman. I believe the very worst about people now, when I used to believe in the good in people. This makes me so angry because before I knew about all this I was very open and trusting. When you are married to a man for 14 years and find out that he has been lying to you for almost all of that time, it really does something to you. I trusted my best friend too. Even her H knew of their A’s and the OC.
I just want to have some joy back. I try to communicate with my H, but because of all the secrets and lies he was hiding, he is not very good at communicating. I know he is so sorry and this helps, but he really doesn’t want to talk about his A’s or OC very much because he says he has spent years trying to forget it. Sometimes I wish I had never found out about it. I wish he would have moved me away from this small town years ago. Almost all of my memories are tainted with this thing now. I am trying to move on and forward and get new memories, but it is hard when I am so unhappy and miserable.
I don’t understand what is happening to me? I thought I was getting better, but now?! I feel worse. I can’t understand myself anymore.
And that is frightening to me.

My straight shooting from the hip opinion:

Go away with your daughter and stay awhile with your family.

Your H is not much of a man if he cannot comfort and help you.

You need support and someone to take care of you right now.

Your H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> needs to feel some serious a$$-kicking fear that he may lose his family unless he can become more of a protector for you.

I am not saying "divorce" or all is lost .... just that you need to make a radical statement toward your husband showing everything is not "OK" and that unless he can actually get off his passive agressive butt he stands to face losing you.

I don't care one single bit about your H's feelings right now!!! "boo-f'ing-hoo" .... trying to "forget about it" is a serious mistake that will kill your marriage.

Go away and get stronger, and scare the snot out of your H.

Move away from OW and OC. The OW and her H are poisonous people you need to cut away from your life like a cancer.

Pep ~~~~~~~~ steam from my ears~~~~~

I don't know if this will help you, but it did for me. Get him when he is in a good mood, and tell him you must know some of the details haunting you most. But remember this, you must know that you will not be told everything. Your H sounds like my W, they don't talk, just give funny looks at you that start your blood boiling.

For me exercise helped me through the most difficult times. We are fully recovered now. And it did take almost two years for me to get over it. (W had EA with old Boyfriend) Hang in there, you will pull through, even if want to crawl under a rock and die now.

This is the time when reality is staring you in the face and you are no longer blinded by love. When you look at this person who is suppose to be your soul mate, and all the time and effort put into the relationship comes rushing to your head, you can really start to lose your mind.

This is all normal stuff. But don't let it destroy you. You will become a better person for it down the road. The A makes you look into yourself deeply for a better understanding of how you can improve yourself. God bless and you will be in my prayers. good luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Originally posted by wokeup:

We are fully recovered now. And it did take almost two years for me to get over it. (W had EA with old Boyfriend)

Dear Woke,

This woman's H had an A with her best girlfriend and her H got both of them pregnant at around the same time. Both women gave birth to daughters (now 9 years old) and the families were very close all these years without Hanging In knowing that her daughter's best friend is also her half-sister due to an affair.

Hanging In shared her heart's secrets with the same best girlfriend all these years, never realizing this woman was a co-conspirator hiding the identity of the OC (other child).

This is going to be much more entangled than your WW's affair (unfortunately).

All her daughter's memories, photographs, etc are entertwined with this other 9-year-old child!

I cannot fathom anything worse....

Hanging In There ~~~~~~ If you cannot feel your husband is providing you the safety and protection and support you'll need to get yourself together ..... then please consider a temporary separation under your parent's umbrella.

Pep

Hanging In,

Pepper hit it perfectly. Your H may want to "just forget it" but he needs to realize what this has done to you and maybe he needs a major wake up call like you walking out and scaring the hell out of him. Then you need to communicate to him very clearly that while you want your M, you cannot and will not do it alone. His effort in the M must be much greater than yours. He needs to recognize fully what he has done to you and accept responsibility for that. Only then can you rebuild your M and you simply cannot do it alone, believe me, I tried.

You need to focus on healing yourself right now and if your H won't help with that, then how committed is he really to the M, do you want that? He owes you big time and should be grovelling at your feet, not telling you to "get over it" which sounds like exactly what he is saying. Work on yourself, be all you can be and don't show any weakness around him. Your confidence will come back, trust me. If he sees that suddenly you don't seem to "need" him anymore and you can do just fine by yourself, his attitude will change pretty quick.

All the Best,

B

Hi Hangin'InThere,

Pep is right...your situation is truly very very hard. If you can, I'd recommend counselling with the Harleys or Cerri. Get some seasoned advice because there are so many issues you are dealing with on all fronts.

However, I do have a couple of suggestions for simple coping techniques that have worked well for many:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...I am having so many awful thoughts and memories of all the intimate, personal things that I told FOW. We were very close...I think I may be going crazy or something with this overload of memories and emotions....How do you cope? How do I get rid of all these thoughts and images zooming around in my brain? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H's A was with a close friend too...betrayal on more than one front is really hard to overcome...all I can say is that you need to give yourself a break. You NEED to stop thinking about the things you told her, how much it hurts that she could do that to you, etc. The past cannot be undone and thinking about it is simply going to prolong your healing.

Great you say, but how??? This is what I asked a friend of mine, someone whose beloved only son was diagnosed as a violent paranoid schizophrenic. Talk about a sad situation that you can do nothing about! So I knew she had good coping techniques that she was using to remain sane...here's a powerful one.

Whenever you are thinking "useless" thoughts: visualize a stop sign, a BIG red stop sign. Speak to yourself and tell yourself to stop thinking those thoughts. "STOP it _______" (your name). Say it outloud. Stomp your foot if it helps emphasize it. Get up and go do something else, preferably something physically active. Repeat until you've distracted yourself successfully.

If you cannot stop, then sit and write it all down. Keep on writing until you have nothing left to say. Then start over with the stop sign above. It does work. You CAN stop yourself from thinking unwanted thoughts.

You may think this is silly...but give it a try. It stops the useless merry-go-round inside your head.

Please read on...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And now it is Christmas time and my family wants nothing to do with my H, they think I should just up and leave him. It is going to be a lonely Christmas. They don&#8217;t even call me&#8230; </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there any way you can ask them to be there for you? Can you calmly say: I understand that you want me to leave ___ but for the sake of my family, I am not prepared to do this at this point in time. But this does not mean that I am not lonely and hurting...please, I need your support for ME and for _____ (children). Please put aside your dislike for H and let's enjoy peace and fun over this holiday season.

You get my point anyhow...have you made a straightforward emotional appeal to them for support? Without closing the door on their opinion of your H?

You desperately need a bit of peaceful space right now because it really IS too much. I'm not advocating dishonesty with your family -- just trying to suggest a temporary truce that may give you a bit of peace and comfort over the holidays.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My ego has taken a beating over this. I don&#8217;t feel very good about myself anymore. FOW is a flashy blonde, me, I am the opposite of her, just a little brunette &#8211; I don&#8217;t stand out at all. I used to have so much more confidence but now I don&#8217;t have any. ... I just don&#8217;t know who to trust anymore. I don&#8217;t trust anyone and am afraid I am becoming a very bitter woman. ... I trusted my best friend too. Even her H knew of their A&#8217;s and the OC. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Listen...you are a lovely trusting little brunette. She's a flashy lying, manipulative blond who has major unreconciled self-esteem issues. Often the loudest (flashy) person in the room is the least secure in themselves, and for good reasons. If you for one moment believe this woman feels good about herself...then just disabuse yourself of that notion right now...FOREVER.

You on the other hand, trust people. This is a GOOD thing. Did you get hurt because you are trusting? Yes. Did you have bad people around you who took advantage of that trust? YES. The clincher: should you change and not trust people again? NO!

However, apply a page from Dr. Harley...make sure people earn your trust. You have gained wisdom now from learning through first-hand experience. This experience does not make you dumb...this makes you wise. Use your new-found wisdom in future relationships.

Don't let OW, her H and yours -- people not worthy of trust -- teach you that NO ONE is worthy of trust. They are not reality. You are reality. Reality is that people and life are wonderful and good. Unfortunately, some people (including your H, OW, and OWH) just don't get it. They squander life and its riches.

Don't let them squander your riches. You and your daughter (? Other kids?) have many joys yet to experience in life. So start thinking about those instead...start to move your focus to the future...what do you want to do? What else is going on in your life? Do you have interests? Hobbies?

hang in there...awed

I sat here and cried again reading all of these replies. It is so nice to know that there ARE people who care. Right now I feel so alone and sad and have so many terrible thoughts. Thank you all so much for being there for me and giving me some very good advice and some new coping skills to try. I am going to find some alone time with my H and tell him exactly what I need him to do, what my expectations are.
I have three kids, all in school and I don't even know how, or where to begin doing the things necessary to leave. My family members live in tiny one bedroom apartments in the city and we have a big house and live five hours away from them all. I will do some research into what my options are if I need to leave. My MC says that I have a fear of abandonment/being alone, because my Mother died when I was three years old, and then my Grandparents who raised me after her death, died three years later. MC also says that because of the deaths of these three very important people so early in my life, that is the reason I put up with all of this crap! So the thought of leaving does terrify me but all of these emotions I am having terrify me too. I feel like I have lost myself somewhere...
That Stop sign advice sounds great, I will try that and I hope that it might give me some peace. I have kept a journal since I was a child, I write all of the time so this writing advice is great too. I can do that!
This might sound kinda childish but thank you so much for the nasty things said about FOW. My H has not said anything negative about her even though she is a tramp who had A's with my H and she also got caught having an A with her H brother. I feel the need to hear awful things about her, it makes me feel good because I know that I am better person than she is. Everyday I pray that I can forgive her because I know that the anger I have toward her will not hurt her, it will only destroy me.
I will try to be strong!
I will talk to my family again…
There is so much to do!
I want to thank all of you again so much for all of your help.

Originally posted by Hangin'InThere:
I am going to find some alone time with my H and tell him exactly what I need him to do, what my expectations are.

Your H, while probably a very dear man in many ways, is probably a *conflict-avoider* who would win a gold medal in that event if it were an Olympic competition!

Yes, do this. Tell him exactly what you need from him. And may I suggest this .... his position as a man, a husband, a father is to provide his family with safety, protection, and support.

If he cannot move from his avoiding conflict resolution position ... without your pushing him every single time.... this is not going to work.

Tell him HE needs to initiate action and solutions and POJA them with you. You are not supposed to be leading this recovery, that is his job.

He made this mess. It is not your job to clean this up. Do not "accept" that work load.


I have three kids, all in school and I don't even know how, or where to begin doing the things necessary to leave. My family members live in tiny one bedroom apartments in the city and we have a big house and live five hours away from them all. I will do some research into what my options are if I need to leave. My MC says that I have a fear of abandonment/being alone, because my Mother died when I was three years old, and then my Grandparents who raised me after her death, died three years later. MC also says that because of the deaths of these three very important people so early in my life, that is the reason I put up with all of this crap! So the thought of leaving does terrify me but all of these emotions I am having terrify me too. I feel like I have lost myself somewhere...

You may have the feeling that you are lost, but you have many wonderful things in your life you have not lost. Emotions hit like a sunami after an affair. Your situation is far more complicated. So, do not be afraid of your emotions, they will eventually work themselves through to some level of acceptance.

I think it is impossible for you to endure the work of marriage recovery without ACTIVE and ENTHUSIASTIC leadership from your H.

If he fails to become a leader in this recovery, it is another betrayal toward you. Let him know THIS, very soon.


That Stop sign advice sounds great, I will try that and I hope that it might give me some peace. I have kept a journal since I was a child, I write all of the time so this writing advice is great too. I can do that!

I think it is great too!


This might sound kinda childish but thank you so much for the nasty things said about FOW. My H has not said anything negative about her even though she is a tramp who had A's with my H and she also got caught having an A with her H brother.

Yuk

I feel the need to hear awful things about her, it makes me feel good because I know that I am better person than she is. Everyday I pray that I can forgive her because I know that the anger I have toward her will not hurt her, it will only destroy me.

Good for you!


I will try to be strong!
I will talk to my family again…
There is so much to do!

Don't let yourself get isolated from your family. You need their support.

One day at a time.

Pep