My FWH and I will be married 24 years in February. D-Day #1 was 9/17/03; D-Day #2 was 10/21/03. During these past three months I have learned of 2 PAs and 1 EA that my H had during the past twelve years. One PA lasted six years and had just ended 9/17/03.

I have been trying desperately to remember the good times during our marriage but I can't. All I can remember are the negatives; getting married by a Justice of the Peace with no friends/family present, having to ask my H to miss softball practice because I was going into labor with our son, my H taking our baby to a sitter so he could play softball while I was in the hospital with post-partum depression, my H playing golf 3x/week and playing poker with his buddies every Saturday night, my H taking our 2-year son to happy hour when I had to work late, my H preferring to play golf, hunt, or fish with his friends rather than spend time with our sons, my H insisting he buy a new vehicle every 2 years whether we could afford it or not while I drove the same car for 10 years, not receiving any gifts, flowers, or romantic dinners for Valentine's day, Anniversaries, Birthdays, or Christmas, and the list goes on and on.

I know the past twelve years are filled with bad memories now that I know why he was distant, why he was not showing affection for me or our sons, why he wanted to spend more time away from us, why he never complained about my long work hours or taking college classes at night, why he wanted a separate bank account, why he wanted the detailed billing removed from the cell phone bill, etc., but why can't I remember anything good about the first twelve years?

Is it possible our marriage just sucked from the beginning and I just didn't wake up and smell the coffee? Is it possible I was just staying for the children and there is really nothing good about the marriage to remember?

Right now I don't see anything about our marriage worth saving. I mean, you can't rebuild something that never existed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Toofargone:
<strong> you can't rebuild something that never existed. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well <shrug>, you could always build a something.

M.

Toofargone,

If both are willing ... in-love could be created. If both are willing ... fullfiling M could be build.

Is he willing ?

-rh-

My H says he has always loved me, even though he was telling his OW that he loved them. He says he never wanted a divorce and still doesn't. But he was willing to throw me and our marriage out the window for these OW. He didn't love me or OW#2 enough to decide which one he wanted for six years -- I guess he wanted us both. How do I forgive that? Especially when I can't remember anything good about our relationship.

I have not only lost trust in him but also respect. His idea of rebuilding is for me to forget about his affairs, forgive him, and move on. He has the "I did it, get over it" attitude. He is tired of answering questions and talking about his affairs. He just wants to block them out of his mind. I wish it was that easy for me.

toofargone - I know exactly how you feel. I've been in Plan B for 9 weeks now. When I first went into no contact with H I was worried about how awful it would be. Well guess what - there was practically nothing I missed about him. He never did anything around the house, anything with my car, never helped me, never went anywhere I wanted to go, etc. So there was nothing to miss. It really surprised me. Now I'm thinking there must have been some good memories, but right now I can't seem to recall them. Hopefully when more time passes we will be able to think of better times. Right now it may be some kind of defense mechanism. OR..... maybe there really weren't that many good memories.

Hi Toofargone.
I am wondering why this 6 year affair ended.
Did he get caught, did she dump him or did he decide on his own to end the affair and work on his marriage with you?

Probably after 6 years the affair was losing it's spark!
I read over and over that this 'lustful first stage love' can't last if you are together all the time (as in a marriage!) BUT when they are only seeing one another occassionally, it can last for years!

I agree with 'believer' that even the good memories are hard to think about because they hurt too much!

For my husband and me, it was like starting over, making fresh new fun memories instead of relying on past memories for joy and comfort.

I hope you and your husband can get past the pain.
For me, I have STOPPED talking about his two affairs, it just brings sorrow into our conversations.
I want him to think of talking with me as PLEASANT and not as someone he would want to run away from, someone that agitates him!

Make some of his favorite Christmas cookies for him today.

Give him CREATIVE sex like he was your 'secret lover', be all the WOMAN he could ever want or need.

Look pretty even around the house (colorful tops with jeans, nice hairstyle, makeup, a little perfume)

If you need to lose a few pounds, eat healthy (stay away from sweets and fats) and the weight will come off.

Read an inspiring novel not just 'self help books'.
I liked "A time to dance" Karen Kingsbury.

Go for walks, even if it is cold, just bundle up good. Invite HIM to join you!

At least you will feel good about yourself being the very best you can be.
Love, Julie Jo

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 07:38 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Toofargone:
<strong>

Is it possible our marriage just sucked from the beginning and I just didn't wake up and smell the coffee? Is it possible I was just staying for the children and there is really nothing good about the marriage to remember?

Right now I don't see anything about our marriage worth saving. I mean, you can't rebuild something that never existed. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Toofargone, you have just suffered the biggest shock that a spouse can suffer. It is right up there with the death of a child. You were denied the true facts of what has gone on in your life for years. The kaliedescope has SHIFTED. So now, you are seeing it in a truer light for the first time and are shocked. This is all part of recovery that many people learn to accept. I know its shocking and hard to take but many do learn acceptance, and eventually, PEACE, if the marriage recovers.

See, this is exactly WHY I so strongly advocate telling the spouse about affairs. You have lived your life for YEARS - blindly - because someone cruelly withheld the facts about your life. Had you known what was happening, you might not have chosen to stay. You should have had the right to make that choice.

I guess the only thing I want to say is that what you are experiencing is a normal part of recovery and yours is hardly a hopeless situation. I would only hope you won't throw in the towel too early and will, instead, make your decision about whether you want the marriage when you are not in shock.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Toofargone:
<strong>

I have not only lost trust in him but also respect. His idea of rebuilding is for me to forget about his affairs, forgive him, and move on. He has the "I did it, get over it" attitude. He is tired of answering questions and talking about his affairs. He just wants to block them out of his mind. I wish it was that easy for me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His response is not helpful. He needs to understand that it will probably take around 2 years, IF AT ALL. That is best case scenario if he is willing to DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to help you recover, ie: answer ALL your questions endlessly, become an open book, etc.

For me, since I could not control my husband's actions or his love and devotion for me and our marriage, I just decided to give HIM and our marriage ALL I POSSIBLY COULD!
And it worked and he came around!

This post by Sugah (I forget correct spelling) was a good one for me!


posted October 13, 2003 06:50 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiz,
I respectfully ask that you read the MB Principles and brush up on "FOG".
This is a very confusing time for BS's as you know. But to suggest that Pearl's WH is now showing his "true" self, goes against all that we have learned here.

Only Pearl knows for sure what good her WH is capable of when he is not a prisoner of the FOG and OW. You seem to suggest that she should just give up on her M, please, she may not be ready to do that just yet which is why she is here.

MY own WH is a complete idiot right now, and has been doing and saying things for 10 months now that are completely OUT of character for the man I loved and knew for 20 YEARS!

THIS MAN is not the REAL one!!! He is the same as any person with an addiction, it turns them into someone unrecognizable to those who love them!

I am so sorry that you regret staying with your WH, it is not true for others, there are ways to get past the hurt and the pain and to have a loving M.

M.Of Pearl, I understand how difficult it is to have family interfere. It does not help. My own family did things that I still cannot forgive them for, as I feel they truly pushed WH off the fence and away from me and my children forever.

Please do not listen to people who tell you to give up on your M and WH if you are truly not ready to do so. However, be prepared for a rough ride! You are in a delicate position, being pregnant and all.

You do need to protect yourself and children by removing yourself from the triangle as best you can. Set boundaries, find support, and do good things for yourself.
I wish you the best. STay strong...

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Toofargone,

I was also like you, unable to remember when or if we had good times before the A's. My counsellor told me that I would one day be able to look back on those memories and they would come back to me, and when I could recall them without regret for what could have been, I could consider myself more or less recovered.

I thought I would never be able to see beyond my pain and hurt, and anger too. I felt, like you, that I had lived a lie, and when that cloud is over you, all the good times are tarnished, because you wonder if they were really good times at all or just an act on the WS's part.

But as time has gone on, I have been able to recall some really happy moments, though I am not at the complete end of my recovery. I still do get angry sometimes at his stupidity, for ruining what could have been great. But since my counsellor told me that I would one day remember those warm times, I have faith that I will be able to also recall them without pain one day.

Grief is different for all of us. It varies in intensity and in the time it takes us to get over. If your H does not want a divorce he needs to understand the grieving process, so that he can see where youa re coming from. Are you guys in counselling? You REALLY need to do this.

And you both need to give yourselves time. It is a great healer as they say, but it is a long process for some.

Love and light,

Jacky