Click on my name and get history - I will be quick in describing sitch. WH was still in contact even though he was "working on it" with me. I was in Plan A and finally asked him to leave if he couldn't stop - he was shocked and said "but we just had such a great weekend - I thought we were really making progress - I like being around you" I explained that I feel all the same things and that is way this sucks so bad
Explained that I was asking him to do something he had no desire to do and it was still hurting me so badly - explained I would be in NC with him until he could have NC with her. He never left - promised he would not contact her. - Because letter would take so long to arrive to OG (other girl) I suggested he call while I listened and he could explain that he was not going to be in contact. We never got thru. I also started calling her myself - I had relationship with her and their relationship was wrong on EVERY level - she is spiritual and I could hear from snooping it was starting to affect her. Her parents & brother were also against what was happening.

From what I know (phone, etc...)From what I feel, he is not contacting her. He has said so every day. I have also called her and explained what I knew - she confided that she was not sure she wanted to continue with WH, but didn't know how/what to do. She agreed that she would not talk to him. Said she would e-mail if he did.

Talked to her this AM - she said he has not called since last Friday (same day as she said before) This AM I typed this e-mail..
Please tell me your thoughts.

Hi OG,

I am not sure if this is still your e-mail, however I thought I would try it anyway.

Thanks for talking with me again this morning. I hope it didn't bother you. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and my chest still physically hurts from the front to the back of my sholder blades.

There are moments during the night that I wake up in a cold sweat thinking about what has happened and worrying about what might be to come. I think that is why I have asked you so many times about "the plan". I worry so much that although things seem to be going well right now, suddenly everything will come to a halt and I will be shocked and hurt all over again.

Perhaps you might understand if I shared with you these details...
On Sunday, September 14th, WH said you were going to go home so that we could begin working on our marriage. He promised that we would work to repair what had happened, that he was choosing "his family"
On September 15th, I find him at your hotel. He lied to me about where he was going.
On September 16th he & I talked and he promised we would work on our marriage.
On September 21st, I found the 1st calling card - he had called you every day - when I confronted him about it and told him it hurt me that he lied again, he promised he was just checking to be sure you were okay, but would not call you again.
On October 1st WH chose to hunt in our backyard so that he could spend the day with me. I was thrilled and felt like we were making progress
On October 3rd, I found another calling card in his wallet - he had called you almost everyday again including October 1st!! I was crushed. He must have called you from the backyard while I was in the house. We had a huge fight and he moved to Gregs on Monday, October 6th.

During that week, he was so mean to me - taking every opportunity to blame me for what had happened, when in fact, I had no choice in what happened between you two at all. I was heartbroken.

On October 10th my Grandpa died (my grandma lost her husband)
On October 10th - I filed for divorce because I could not take any more pain from him and needed to get away from how he was treating me. (lost my husband too)
On October 11th we talked
On October 12th we talked again
On October 13th - we decided that he would move back and we would "shelf" the divorce (put it on hold) to see if we could work things out.
We went on a picnic/date that night and talked about what we each wanted from our marriage.
October 25th - My grandpa's memorial service - Mike attends and things are going very well.
October 26th - I am disappointed (Ben is disappointed) that WH left for Georgia early in the day. I took SON to dinner and he was sad that WH was not there.
November 1st - WH comes home from trip and is very sweet to all of us. I think we are working hard on our marriage and that he is beginning to see that it is worth saving.
November 11th, find Verizon bill and see that he has called you a LOT - I am so sad and decide that I need to find out the truth.
November 12th - heard entire conversation - I felt crushed! He was grilling you about being faithful and I was sick to know that he was not being faithful to either one of us. It was so hurtful
November 12th - Asked him to not go hunting that weekend - he said "I'll think about it" - Needless to say, he did not stay home.
November 14th, 15th, 16th - cried all weekend - begged WH's Sister to come out so I could talk to her. She came out Saturday/Sunday and helped me out.

November 18th, he called you from his cell phone after dropping the kids. I stay home all day and watched him - He e-mailed you asking if you still wanted "the plan" then said he wasn't sure when he should sign you up for school. He tried calling you approximately 8 times from our house. I couldn't believe what other things I saw and heard from his mouth. It was awful.

November 19th, he took me to lunch. During lunch I explained to him that it hurt so much to know that he was still talking to you. That he really needed to chose between you and I. He said he would think about it and let me know, but he was pretty sure he knew what he was going to do. After lunch, he invited me to the Mall to purchase some clothes, then he went home and called you. After lunch I also went home and listened to the entire conversation again. Again, I cannot believe what was said between you two. I am unsure of his "plan" - you two talk about where you are going to live - Montana or Alaska. You asked him what phone he was on - he said his cell phone - you asked him about the door you just heard, he said it was his car door. He was at home on our home phone - After he called you, he called me at work. I called him back and he said that he think he knew what he was going to do. When I "got home" or drove my car up the driveway, I thought for sure he was going to give me the worst news ever. He kissed me hello and started to play with my hair. He said he wouldn't call you anymore.

One thing that bothers me about the last part of your conversation - you asked him to "call your doctor". Did WH's Doctor friend and wife know about the two of you? Were you taking birth control pills? How did you prevent pregnancy?

November 21st - we meet for dinner at resturant (our date night) and we have a great time. Great conversation and go home to a great evening. -
November 22nd - sleep in - work all day around the house - go to son's hockey game in XXX city together - holding hands the whole way - that evening we put the kids to bed, have a fire and camp out on the family room floor all night. - Altogether great night.
November 23rd - I go to church - he calls you. We meet up at Ben's game and that evening - I feel VERY unsettled about his double life.
November 24th, 25th 26th - get ready for Thanksgiving - WH's sister & boyfriend are coming and we are having a small dinner - Other Peopole from WH's family are coming out Thursday/Friday for trees.
November 27th - Thanksgiving - WH takes me hunting to XX city with WH's friend- we have a great time. beautiful dinner and great company.

November 28th - Get the mail before we go and get our trees. See credit card statement showing he charged another calling card to you on 11/21/03 - I am so sad because we had such a GREAT week. I feel crushed that he has lied again. - I say nothing until late that night when we go to bed and I tell him how much I know
He was furious with me for snooping - I explain that I never used to be this way. I cannot stop crying - everyone is sleeping over - I try to be quiet - but I am crushed again.

November 30th - he says he needs space but does not want to move out. I agree
December 1st - he asks if he can sleep upstairs with me.
December 2nd, 3rd, 4th - we tread thru - getting along very well.
December 4th drive kids to my parents - they are going to Alabama with my parents
December 5th - we are suppose to go to Chicago - he finds me looking at his computer, we argue, but then spend the day/evening together. We have a great night out.
December 6th - Great day - sleep in until 10:30 AM!! - Then hang out all day - then go out that night - Another great weekend.
December 7th - I wake up feeling very sad - I know he is still contacting you - but having this kind of great time with me. I ask him to move out because I am asking him to stop calling you and I know that it is not what he wants - He was shocked and sad - He said "but we just had a great weekend - I don't understand" Then he asked me to have a little more patience - I tell him I don't think I have it in me. I am crushed that we continue to feel like we are making progress towards our marriage - but he is still talking to you at the same time. I tell him - when he leaves - I cannot see him or talk to him for awhile until I feel stronger - He tells me he cannot leave for several days. That evening we are talking more and I think he begins to understand how horrible this has been for me. How badly he has hurt me. He says "I never questioned myself before - I didn't mean to hurt you - I am very sorry"
December 7th thru 10th - he doesn't leave - we are kind to each other - still sleeping in the same bed.
December 11th - I ask him again if he is willing to stop talking to you. - he says he doesn't think he wants to.
I said "Then you should go right now You can leave - go hunting for the weekend, make your arrangements, come back for items on Tuesday while I am at work and pick the kids up on Tuesday for a visit. You can visit them Tues/Thurs and every other weekend - You can have them on Christmas Eve and I will take them on Christmas day - Do not call me , see me or communicate with me in any way until I am ready to simply "parent with you." and not be "your wife" Let me go and let me have some time to heal. I then tell him, however if he should choose to stop talking to you, he could contact me and if I was ready - I would work on the marriage with him.
December 11th - 9:00pm - he asks if he doesn't call you at least until Christmas - could he stay. He says he would like to work on it with me. I tell him my conditions and he stays.
December 12th - he still goes hunting over the weekend.
December 13th - I feel sick - I think about what has happened and I am crushed. I cannot get out of bed or stop crying

December 12th - I call you.
December 15th - talk to you again.
December 15th - He tries to call you to tell you he is not going to call - that he is working on his marriage and it is in the way. The phone just rings and rings.
December 16, 17, 18, things are going very well - we are getting along and caring for one another.
December 19th - we shop all day together for Christmas. - Another great day
December 20, 21, 22 - things are going well, yet I am so VERY scared that I will get hurt again. All I ask is that one of you tell me if this is not real. I hope it will be WH that is honest with me, but you can see from all the "Discovery" dates (days that I discovered he is still in contact with you when he flat out denied that he was) I am scared he is lying. I just do not think I could withstand another heart break.

I hope this never happens to you or anyone you care about. Many people say that it is worse than the death of a child or a death of a spouse. I have received a lot of information from www.marriagebuilders.com This web site has saved me. I encourage you to look at it and learn from it. Specifically, please look at "Recovery" section of infidelity. This explains why it is destructive for him to continue to talk to you while trying to work on it with me. Please OG, please look at this web site. You can gain a lot of information from it. It will help you as you search for a marriage partner for youself. You will want - do want - a relationship with someone that meets all your needs and you meet his. It is not something that "JUST HAPPENS", it is HARD work. WH and I had "IT" before and I am sure with a lot of work, we can have "IT" again. You also want to have a good relationship / marriage with someone. One of the things I learned from this web site is that only 25% of the relationships that begin in adultry end in marriage (that means that only 25% of all relationships - like the one that you and Mike had - will get married. Out of that 25% - 60% of those marriages end in divorce.) Those are horrible odds. It is because the relationship is based on lies and deciet - it does not stand a chance to survive.

As I have said all along, you are young - you have so much ahead of you - please look for the best for yourself. Learn from this experience. Go to this website and see how many people have been hurt by infidelity - Learn from these people - and build a relationship with someone that will last a lifetime and provide you endless happiness. I also encourage you to go to the discussion forum and read the posts of people who have posted there. You will see that all the stories are the same. The "Betrayed Spouse" or BS (that's me) go thru many of the same experiences. You will see that the "Wayward Spouse" or WS to thru many of the same experiences and say many of the identical things (it is almost funny - WH has said some of this stuff word for word!!!) Many of the OM (other man) or OW (other woman) or OP (other person) go thru many of the same experiences.

I appreciate your honesty in telling me whether or not WH has called you. He promised he would not and from what you said, he didn't. I also want to thank you for trying to let him go.

Please take care and I hope that you do respond to my questions above.
Take care OG & Merry Christmas.
-

Goodwife, why are you communicating at all with the OW? What possible good can it bring? She does not care about your feelings yet you are baring your heart and soul to her.

I know you are very anxious, but you have now placed the burden of recovery on the back of your WS. It is up to him to repair your damage. If this continues, you can protect yourself and move to Plan B. And I hope to God that you are prepared to back up your words that you will end contact with him if he doesn't end contact with her.

I would also pursue the no contact letter ASAP. That is an important show of his professed committment to your recovery. I would also have him outline his plan to help recover the damage he has done to you and this marriage. What are his plans?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GoodWife92:
<strong>

I appreciate your honesty in telling me whether or not WH has called you. He promised he would not and from what you said, he didn't. I also want to thank you for trying to let him go.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Goodwife, you are going to depend on the "word" of the OW as evidence of your H's faithfulness? WHY? Please extract yourself immediately from this SORDID, SLEAZY TRIANGLE and take back control of your life. Do not rely upon the word of untrustworthy persons who do not value you or your marriage. She doesn't give a damn about you or your children - her word is worthless. She has deceived you before and will do it again.

Goodwife,
Even if you had a relationhship with her at some point, she did not show any loyalty to you by her behavior with your H, nor is she currently your friend.

I really wouldn't give her all that information. I know you are trying to convey how hurt you are, and indeed, my H & I separated 7 times through 21 months during his PA, so I know how devastating this ongoing "discovery" is, but to an adversary, it simply sounds like weakness...and I wouldn't give her that satisfaction or power.

If she cared about you, she would have said no to your H in the first place. I have an 18 yr old daughter who has NO problem turning down inappropriate interest from men. So even though the OG is young, she hasn't exhibited the kind of good character that will make your pain meaningful to her.

The OG isn't your problem, your wayward husband is. Give him the list. If you need changes in behavior or explanations, he's the one who should do them. You can't count on the OG to tell you if your H is honest...she isn't someone to trust.

Goodwife,
I agree w/the other posters. This is too much info for OG and she doesn't care to hear it. My WH's OW is also young, and immature, and I've spoken w/her on two occassions. The first was early on, right after Dday, and I warned her that my H was among the best liers in the world, and he'd tell her everything she'd want to hear. She tried to reassure me that she and H were "just friends" and she had no intention of being the OW. Well, WH was lying to her and telling her that he and I were "split up."

The second time I spoke with her, she called me and had found out that WH had been lying to her about some things. I told her that he was lying to both of us. To make a very long story short, I also spoke with OW's XBF, and he lied to me too. It turns out that OW was also lying to WH. So, anyway, my point is, that you cannot trust anyone. I'm dealing with OW and her XBF's drama, and my WH got wrapped up in it. I've decided to not talk to anybody, anymore, about the sitch. Afterall, I'm the only person in this soap opera, who is telling the truth, yet I'm hurting the most.

I see your H's patterns, and they are much like my WH's. He and OW have "split up" four times, and each time, he comes back to me, professing his love for me, and saying she has "issues," etc... Then, the calls start back up, and I'm second fiddle again.

I told my WH that I can not be his back up plan. He can only come back to me when he's sure he wants to be with ME, to work on our M, and to have the family we once had, again. I do not want him back, if it's only because he knows he shouldn't be with her... As hard as reality hurts, I deserve better.

I understand that typing that timeline out was therapeutic for you, but I wouldn't send it. Journaling is good therapy, and I have a composition book in which I keep my own timeline, and diary. It does help, and perhaps one day, if my H and I get to recovery, it may help him to understand what was going on with me, while he was lost in the fog.

I know the rollercoaster of emotions and lies is tough. I wish you the best.

MOP

One of the OW took great delight in calling me and telling me what my X and her had been up to; she did it out of spite, but alos in the hope that it would further put a wedge between my X and I.

The OG is obviously not caring how you feel, or she would have not kept contact with your H. Telling her you know all about it isn't going to help. In fact, she may talk to your H and tell him how much she is being harrassed by you, getting his sympathy, and she is probably hoping that you will decide to get out of the marriage, leaving H to her.

Your H should write a NC letter to her and then both of you should adhere to it. AND you need to stick to your boundaries. It sounds to me like your H has a gift of talking you around, and as long as he can do this he will still get his cake and eat it.

Be strong.

love and light,

Jacky