How does one implement love busters or emotional strategies when I don't even know where my wife goes? She left thanksgiving day basically living with another guy in another state. She only calls to check on our two boys (18&19) and comes in everyday to go to work. I live in another house and she lives up at her grandmother's old place. I never she her. She has called me a couple times in the last few weeks only to talk about finances. I have been polite and brief. How can I get her away from this other guy? I don't know what to do. Please advise.

What of her ENs do you think you are fulfilling? Have you taken the EN questionnaire? Please try it, once as yourself and once as your W. Let us know how you score from your W's POV then we can chat somemore.

L.

Hey Opsack,

How are you doing?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
L.

Not doing much better. I hate not seeing her and knowing that someone else is making her happy is driving me crazy. Started working out again. Working on the new house. Spending as much time with my two teenage sons. Our youngest son was arrested twice within the last two weekends. He is acting out but she can't see that. I had to get him and his car out of the impound lot. Cost about five hundred dollars and he still hasn't gone to court yet. She only calls to check on them. I drove by the old house today and saw her car but she didn't stay long. Guess she went back to her OM. She did call me last night telling exactly what happened to our youngest son last weekend. He told me something different because he knew I would be upset. I told him today that I wanted him to tell me the truth if he wanted my help in the future. I asked him why he didn't tell me everything and why he told his mother. He said she didn't care so he knew she wouldn't be upset with him. That is sad. I still don't know what to do. Any suggestions.

I sympathize with your story. It is tough! I am probably the worse person in the world to give advice on the subject. But, I would sincerely like to help. I know how helpless you are feeling. There isn't much in here about what to do if you were cheated, still in love and in a way plan 'B' was implimented on you. You feel like she is getting what she needs, while you are sitting around feeling miserable waiting for her to come to her senses. Well, just don't do it anymore!

It sounds to me like your on the right track! You just have to convince yourself that you aren't just sitting around waiting for her. They do say something about just letting the affair die a natural death. But, sometimes that just never happens. People throw around statistics that say relationships that start in affairs almost never work. But, some do. Move on!

I would suggest reading some books. "Surviving infidelity" is one that I know of that talks a little about what to do if it doesn't work out for you and your spouse. There are things in there about recovering and rebuilding your self esteem. if you can manage to do it, maybe, just maybe you'll restore some of the things about yourself that your wife was originally attracted too!

Just keep your head up! Trying meeting some new people. That has really been helping me. My situation is kind of like yours with a twist, my wife is cheating, openly admits it, but won't go away! She makes it a point to rub it in! How freakin' bizarre is that! I just wish I could follow my own advice!

I wish u the best! Happy Holidays and Good Luck! You have a lot of new friends out there, you just have to find them!

Orchid, I took the questionaire but there was no instructions on how to total a score. Sure wish my wife could take this test. Sure wish I've done alot of things different.

lifeinshambles, one day all this will work out for you and myself, included. I remember years ago, early on in our marriage, I was the WAH. I remember I didn't care about anything but myself. That was when we both were young and we had the two boys, maybe, 2 & 3. Something like that. You would think I could remember what it was that she done that brought me back from the edge of losing everything. But for the life of me I can't. And it's kind of funny, now the tables are turned. I love her more than anything except GOD, and she loves nothing more than herself and her new man. I feel like I got shotgunned in the chest everytime I think about it.

OK, you took the questionnaire. What WILL you do differently? And how can you show her? Send her cards, letters, phone calls, send her flowers, do things for her. When she calls to talk finances is there a way to fulfill an EN? Does she enjoy conversation? Can you fulfill that need over the phone?

Read about Plan A. What can you do to follow it?

not sure what need i can fill over the phone in only a couple minutes. other than, being polite, sounding happy, and full of confidience that everything is going to be ok. does that sound about right? any other suggestions.

she is going away for the weekend. she called to let me know so i can keep an eye on our youngest son. it tears me up knowing that she is probably already on the road to meet him. any suggestions, anyone?

What did you find out were her top 5 ENs and what are yours?

I understand that she wants you to watch the children for her and you want to do so but think about how this, you are being used by her in this manner.....what else are you going to allow her to use you?

IMHO, if you don't learn to handle it correctly now she will learn to manipulate you and cause you to enable her A.

It is important that right now you pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. You and your children's lives are involved. A WS will even use their children to further their A. Will you allow that?

Just some food for thought....it probably is makig you choke. This A stuff is a bitter pill to swallow but we can try to help you get through it without being an enabler. ok?

L.

Orchid, I understand what you are saying about her using the kids, however, they are 18 & 19. The eighteen year keeps getting into trouble since all this came to light. Whether I watch him (at least check up on him) she is going to do what she wants to regardless. She only has her mind on one thing. OM!! I am spending as much time with the boys as I can, but I have to make a living. Heck, she isn't even worried about her bills other than her cellphone. How far fetch is that. I have been thinking really hard about filing for divorce just to protect myself. We still have a joint account but she hasn't taken any monies out of it. I did notice one thing yesterday when I was up checking on the boys that she had taken all my pictures down off the walls. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Don't know if the guilt was getting to her or she just didn't want anything reminding her of me. I everything I see reminds me of her. Surely it does the same for her. It's got to be the 'fog'. I don't want a divorce but what can I do. Please advise.

Hi Opsack,

It may be wise to check out your separation and divorce options in your area. See a lawyer. Most will do the initial consultation for free (about 30 minutes). If you can visit a few before you decide and go with a consolidated list you will get the best use of those 30 minutes. Read up and check out the family court options in your area also. I think the website divorce.com has links to various states and their regulations.

As for your financial status, get safe. Don't leave your family's finances accessible to her or the OM. Right now they are not to be trusted.

In regards to your children, let them know you love them and want what is best for them. Encourage open communication even if it may initially hurt your feelings. Do they bring their friends over? Is there relatives close by that they can open up to?

See if you can have a phone counseling session with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri here at MB. That way you can do it in the comfort of your own home or in a private area.

Hope this helps.
L.

Also my sister-in-law told me that my wife said that even if it didn't work out with this man that she wasn't coming back to me. I realize you cannot believe most anything someone says who are currently in an adulterous affair but still it doesn't leave me with much to hold on to. She also mentioned that she rather be dirt poor and happy then have things and not be happy. I am so lost for answers at this point that I am totally numb. Why didn't I see any of the signs, maybe I did, but chose not to see, in fear she would leave me. But look at me now. I have been working so hard on myself trying to be the man she always wanted to be but she can't see because she is never around.

Then on the flip side, how can I deal with trying to make our marriage work knowing what she is doing now. Even if she came back, how could I find the courage and strength to deal with what's she's done. I miss her so much but I am probably the furtherest thing from her mind. It's like fighting the fight of a lifetime for someone who doesn't even care I exist or not. I've read more threads and post on all the sights trying to find a guide to put into motion some positive results which might bring us back together, but with really no success. I have ordered books on affairs/marriage rebuilding/infidelity but they won't arrive until next week. I want to find out so bad where I (we) went wrong so if given the opportunity for reconciliation that I will have the knowledge to move forward and not repeat the same mistakes which got us where we are today. The key is getting her onboard to wanting to save the marriage. I haven't heard the 'divorce' word from her since the first time she mentioned it. But what does that mean? Probably nothing!

How can I deal with all the emotions that keep attacking me every waking moment and even during my restless sleep? How can I put aside all the images of the two of them together, sharing what we should be sharing as man and wife? She is acting more like his wife than mine. He has all the benefits of having a woman but without the commitment (yet). I realize that I must focus on myself, and for the most part, I think, I have been doing that. If not I probably would go insane. When I last saw her the other night (which she called four times prior to me seeing her) she kept staring at me. Almost to the point where I was uncomfortable. I couldn't even look her in the eyes and had a hard time even looking at her at all. Because if I had, my heart would've split wide open. Does she even realizes what she is doing? Doesn't she know that she is breaking her family apart?

She appears to be having the time of her life. Why didn't she afford me the same opportunity of opening up like she did with this man? We would've had a great marriage if only she would've given me the attention that he is receiving. Sorry about this being long, just needed to vent or I think I would burst from pain and hurt. One other thing, we have a beautiful dog that she raised from a puppy, she can care less now whether Roxie has dog food or fresh water. I never thought I would see her not only abandon her family but her pet as well.

I believe that the only reason she calls home and checks on the boys is because of the pressure put on her from her family and friends about abandoning her children. So, what does she do, just calls everynow again to see if they are doing ok. Are this typical actions of someone who is under the influence of an affair or has she changed so much so quickly that she doesn't even care about the most important things in her life?

Opsack,

What you have described it irrational behavior on your W's part. Her abandonment of her family and responsibilities does not diminish because she is having 'the time of her life'.

She is on a roller coaster ride which WILL come to an end. The fact that she is being so irrational and has to have others force her to do what should come naturally (taking care of her children, etc.) just proves that she is living in a fantasy.

Now based on the above and then some, are you willing to drag your family through her fantasy which will induce further pain for you and your family....including the dog? Think hard on this one. The answer s/b easy but it is not.

When you decide what you will do, let us know and then we can work with you in a plan.

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by opsack:
<strong> How can I deal with all the emotions that keep attacking me every waking moment and even during my restless sleep? <snip)
I realize that I must focus on myself, and for the most part, I think, I have been doing that. If not I probably would go insane.
<snip>
Does she even realizes what she is doing? Doesn't she know that she is breaking her family apart?

She appears to be having the time of her life. Why didn't she afford me the same opportunity of opening up like she did with this man? We would've had a great marriage if only she would've given me the attention that he is receiving. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coping is difficult. I have suggestions. Treat the affair as an addiction. Go to your library and get several books put out by Alanon. Alanon is a support group for people who have loved ones in an addiction such as alcholholism or drug addiction. When our son was in the depths of his addiction we tried all sorts of professional and expensive ($100 an hour) help. The best help for me was a weekly Alanon meeting.

My suggestion is to seek out a local Alanon meeting (they are everywhere, check on the internet for their locations), sit quietly and listen, especially to those who have experience with living with an addict. You will find that your WW's behaviors are very similar to those of an addict. Buy a few of the books they sell that explain Alanon pricipals.

My Alanon training has done more to help me get through this A than anything else. Since there are no Alanon meetings that deal with Affairs, this website is my substitute for them. And it is a good substitute.

Your last comment on the WW giving the OM more and better attention than the spouse really hits home. My WW has done the same things. In fact her behaviors have me taking anti-depressants and seeing a psychologist so I can cope with the everyday requirements of life. Is it any wonder, having been hammered that badly by my wife, that the OM looks better at this time?

My brother, you have my prayers.

<small>[ January 01, 2004, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>