You go O!!!

I'll keep those positive vibes in mind too. I just hope I can have hope for some hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hey Sorry, I did not know I was posting to the wrong place. I will open a new thread- sorry about that!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

An honest mistake.

Good luck to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi UN,

Just checking in to see if my positive vibes were still making an impression.Hope your day has been an easier one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Eh...well...I got some stuff done today that needed to be worked on, mainly tax stuff and some cleaning that's been lingering for several days. Yes, I finally took the clothes out of the dryer from the load of laundry I did on Tuesday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

As for what brought me here, I'm still unsure. My "coach" got me to promise something that I'm very interested in trying. But my parents are laying some strong pressure on me now, especially since, if I decided to wait...again...it'd be the 2nd appointment in just a few days that I've canceled, and my Father even switched days off from work to go with me to talk to the attorney.

I know, I even feel like a 14 year-old, as well as acting like one. One thing's for sure though, I'm not mentally or emotionally clear-headed enough right now to make decisions, which probably means it's best to do nothing.

As for the good vibes, they come and go. Sadly, the best I've felt all day was when I imagined myself surviving these problems and making positive changes in myself. Then thinking of my W finally coming back and saying she loves me and she'll do anything to rebuild our marriage, at which point I just laugh and tell her to take a hike.

I don't know if that's good or not. Wanting to improve just to be able to throw it in her face. But maybe it's better than wanting to throw Divorce in her face, or throw lots of crying and begging in her face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi UN,

You remind me of my brother...I don't know if I would rather give you a hug or a slap upside the head (not literal of course). So against my much better judgement (whippit already said everything I've been thinking), I am writing once again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm not mentally or emotionally clear-headed enough right now to make decisions, which probably means it's best to do nothing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No probable about it...this is exactly what you should do, even if it feels wrong to you in any way. Do nothing for a while. You've been spinning like a top out of control UN...really, really angry and COMPLETELY engaged/absorbed/consumed with your WW's drama.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sadly, the best I've felt all day was when I imagined myself surviving these problems and making positive changes in myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Wow...this made you sad???

And now for the 2 x 4 (which should have its own icon)...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just have this insatiable desire to know what's going on in the life of the woman I loved and married. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you've finally put this in writing. YOU have an insatiable desire that is causing you pain and anger. So...what do YOU intend to do? How do you plan to WEAN yourself from this NEED? What is your plan for YOURSELF?

(One suggestion could be that you stop writing about your WW endlessly and try writing statements about YOU and what YOU are doing.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So removing myself from her life seems to create such anxiety...that I'll then have nothing at all to look forward to now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've reached the conclusion above...you've seen through your anger and identified what it is that you fear. So how about if you do the rest of the detachment exercise. Write it out...WHY? And then WHAT do you need to do to address your fear? What kind of activities are you going to take up in order to meet new people, develop new interests?

Surely you realize by now that if you were to move forward with a D, that you would need to develop these new interests in any case? So why not do it NOW!!! You NEED to do so, in my unbiased opinion.

You think you deserve better from life? Then start treating yourself better, giving yourself what you need to heal instead of what you are CRAVING!

One step at a time. Make yourself do it each and every day. It's simple but not easy. And likely impossible without a concrete plan.

Give yourself a belated new year's gift ASAP...your plan for yourself...awed

<small>[ January 04, 2004, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Un,

Just been reading a few of your posts and can see that you are at a turning point. Your 'love bank' is quite low now and you feel abandoned for yourself and family.

Also you may be angry at why you are still 'craving' your W when she has clearly abandoned all. It isn't something you would accept from anyone else yet the one person in the world you does it to you and there you are all alone and feeling quite helpless. Am I close?

Sorting through our feelings takes time, you can't hurry that up. You can't take a magical pill to fix it all. It just takes time.

Go with your dad to the attorney. Keep plugging along with your life, family and responsiblities as best you can. Love your children. Be there for them and let them be there for you.

As hard as it is to believe, you will get past this. The A is a temporary thing at the worst so you can comfort yourself to know that it won't last (not as an A at least). If the divorce goes through you will finally learn to see that the woman who left you wasn't your W or children's mother.....she mutated into another lifeform quite foreign to your family. Odd but true.

Just know that this stuff takes time and don't push your internal clock. No one can.....not even you. Spend your time and energy on what you can change.

UN, I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I now try to help others not suffer as much as I did. Take heed.

take care,
L.

Thank you again to everyone.

Well, in some ways, it's out of my hands now. I just got off the phone with my W, and she told me she's filing for Divorce. There was nothing I could say, nothing I could offer as an alternative step between here and there, nothing that made a difference.

The upside is that I'm no longer the one debating that step. Now I'm just the one deciding how I'm going to respond to it. The downside is that it's just one more major hurdle to ever being able to recover this marriage.

And no, in case anyone is wondering, I haven't had any contact with her at all since I sent those financial plans to her 4 days ago, not even in reply to what she said about it. So I didn't do any further digging or LB'ing or whatever. I just let her contemplate and make her own decision.

So I guess this makes a "Plan B" even easier, since I'll have a lawyer as my "intermediary", and will have no reason, need, or even legal right to have anything to do with any part of her life.

I feel miserable right now, and yet, eerily calm at the same time. I've tried to avoid this, and even when I seemed hell-bent on going this route myself, I only vented here or to family, and not to her. Yet I still feel like there's more I could do, more I could have done, to try to make this work. Part of that is because of the mistakes I've made since D-Day, but most of that is because of what I've learned regarding what happened for months and years before D-Day. I just don't feel like I've had the time or opportunities to do anything about what I've learned. To even begin to put anything into practice in order to make it a permanent change.

Oh well, one day at a time I guess. At least right now it's easy for me to think about myself only, since my W is making it clear that she will never allow me back into her life. So from this point, it'd be just plain insanity to focus on my W or this M when they no longer exist in my life.

Hi Un,

Well, I'm sorry that your WW filed but we all knew that might happen right? Doesn't make it easier.It's a bitter pill to swallow.But you don't have to respond right away.Instead of Plan B you can now do the divorce busting 180 list like TMCM has listed somewhere.

Even though we would like to apply all the knowledge we learn here about relationships to our current marriage,it may be that that is not in our future but that what we learn is meant for something or someone else.Acceptance is the key at this point.Giving up the fight and letting divine order guide you.That's what I am doing because I'm fairly certain that I am not far behind you(D).

O

Hiya O,

Very true...very true. I've got that 180 list printed out and have tried to refer to it during these past 2 months. I guess this'll be a good time to really "work those ideas". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm sorry to hear things are so bad for you. You, along with so many people, have been a great source of strength for me, and I've needed a lot of that. I hope you find peace and happiness soon, whatever form it might take.

As for me, though I'm still not done with my marriage, and am still holding out hope that somehow we'll be given the chance to work on a recovery, I am ready to move on (not just forward <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) if need be.

I'll be more than happy not having to wonder what "miniscule little non-issue that didn't even concern her" my wife is going to throw in my face next, as evidence of how "you'll never change, and I just can't live like this".

That's what she threw at me today. Commenting about how I've talked about learning and changing, acted like I've changed some, and then turn around and "do things like this". HAH! In this online game I/we play, some new members of our gaming group were acting like immature punks. So I posted the definition of the word "Respect" on our message boards as a reminder to them and everyone else what this gaming group tries to strive for. She took that post and used it as proof that I'm just spending all of my time trying to find ways to tick her off, as though it was directed only at her and her "partners" there.

Bleh...whatever...it'll be nice to finally feel comfortable living my own life for a while.

UN:

Get back up on the horse! I thought you said you aren't giving up on your marriage.

You say she is filing for D. She has not filed yet has she? It may be a ploy.

You have gotten her guessing about your changes. I remember my FWH wanting not to believe that I had changed. She does not want you to change so that she can feel justified about staying in the A.

PLAN B involves GOING COMPLETELY DARK so that she cannot analyze any of your actions. I would strongly recommend staying away from that gaming board. That would be an excellent move that will start her guessing, wondering if you are moving onward.

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

An excellent suggestion Mimi, and one that i agree with and will do.

As for the D. I'm going to meet with my Lawyer tomorrow and discuss this whole issue, paying the retainer "just in case", and play it by ear from there. If she files, I'll be ready. If she doesn't, I'll still be ready. It may be a ploy on her part, but she is stubborn enough that she would rarely change her mind once she's made a decision. Hopefully, I handled this news well enough to make her feel like there were still other options, and didn't make her feel like she was going to be pressured to follow through with it.

Basically, my comments regarding D were along the lines of letting her know that it's not what I want, that I still hope that we'll have the chance to seek some counseling to learn better and healthier ways of living together, that I still love her, and that I wish she wouldn't do this (Divorce) but that I understand what she's told me about how she feels.

Hopefully, those reactions and comments make it clear that I continue to be open to the chance for reconciliation, but that I'm not going to sit here yelling at her for being selfish and stupid, nor begging her to come back because I'll do whatever she wants.

GOOD JOB, UN!!!!!

Hey UN, I agree with Mimi. That was a darned good job of handling a tough situation.

The rest I'll send via e-mail. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for the D. I'm going to meet with my Lawyer tomorrow and discuss this whole issue, paying the retainer "just in case", and play it by ear from there.
Make sure you let this lawyer know in no uncertain terms, that you do NOT want a divorce.
It's recommended that you delay, delay, delay. The more work the ws has to do to divorce, the more they have to think about what they are doing.

Will do Chris, thanks.

And welcome back JustJ! Hope things are going well for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, I met with my lawyer...

I paid the retainer fee, gave her as much of the legal information as I could to enable her to file papers, talked a while about what was going on and what I wanted to do, and I gave her permission...

To request a "Post Nuptial Agreement" and/or "Legal Separation" if any legal action is taken by my W, but otherwise to sit on the information and do nothing.

She also assured me that, though individual credit cards would be figured into a Divorce settlement, if push came to shove, the creditors would only have legal recourse against the person who was issued the account. Thus, if my W ran up huge charges on her accounts, ultimately, she'd be responsible for paying them. Also, she (my lawyer), informed me that it's very common to be able to "argue away" newly acquired debts during settlement. For example...

</font>

1. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">W spends $500 for an airline ticket and hotel room, she'll have to set that aside as separate debt of her own.</font></li>
2. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">W spends $500 on a TV, then whoever keeps the TV has to pay the debt.</font></li>
3. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">W spends $500 on food and clothing for her and the kids, we split the debt.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
So I feel a lot better about where I stand now, and can comfortably move into Plan B, leaving my W to take the steps necessary to continue her dismantling of our M, instead of me helping it along.

Now, where did I put that Plan B letter.....

All righto! That's what I like to read!

And yeah, where IS that plan B letter? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hehe

Well, I'm headed out to dinner and a show tonight, so the Plan B Letter will have to wait until tomorrow.

Yes, it's an excuse, but I also have to be leaving here in...

UH OH! About 5 minutes ago! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Heh. Figures. Hope you enjoyed it, though!