Hi, I read your post about your recovery efforts. I am so glad for you . Your post really helped me put stuff in perspective because I'm struggling with a lot of "stuff".

Our situation is, Me BW, FWH, dday 1 year ago, dday #2 (continued ea) was 1 month ago. I too have grown as a person and am strong. H has no desire to leave me or our family. I also feel like, he is a different person. I've struggled with not wanting to be a doormat, allowing him to be so emotionally distant and uncooperative as far as recovery. But, what you described is my H to a T. I mean, I struggle with, is he this person now? but, I really feel something is wrong internally because this is so not him.

It doesn't make much sense. If he'd always treated me this way, then that would be different. BUt, yes, I feel like he's been abducted by aliens and his brain scrambled. I think he knows how scrambled he is, but he just can't seem to unscramble himself. I'm trying to be patient. He's not seeing anything clearly.

Any advise, as far as what I should be doing ? He's here, claims that now there's NC, and sometimes I feel I'm working against us because of my anger. I too, am way more hurt than angry , for sure. I'm not seeking to lash out or hurt him in return. At dday #2 he was out for a few days. It didn't take long for him to "see" what he wanted. He wanted us. I KNOW in my heart and soul he wants us. He is a wonderful person inside, and I love him completely. I just don't know how to "reach" him.

I struggle with not wanting him to think he can do whatever he wants to me, and I'll just be here, no matter what. That causes me to sometimes Plan a, and sometimes LB. It is hard for me to constantly plan a and feel like the ground is so shaky.

Your post really helped me. You sound a lot like me. I've certainly suffered. I just don't want to suffer forever. I want to let it go. I want to forgive and love and have my H love me. He KNOWs I love him. I think he's quite depressed and maybe needs anti D's. He is in IC/and we're in MC.

I guess it was just encouraging for me to find your post and see that you believed despite what it all "looked" like, you knew. That's how I feel. SOmething inside just keeps pushing me on. Even though he's given me such an incredible tough time of it.

Do I just keep telling him I love him? Do I just try to sweep the whole thing away for the time being? Please give me some advice. I know I'm sending mixed messages because I'll go through days where i just don't even want to speak to him. But, that's me dealing with my hurt and anger. That just makes him withdraw. He knows sometimes I need space. He knows I need time to deal. I think that is also my way of saying, "hey, I haven't forgotten what you've done, you're not getting off scott free". But, that's working against us. That's what I'm struggling with.

When your H returned how did you deal with that? I'd really appreciate your response. Did he still seem "abducted" when he returned? How long did it take for the fog to LEAVE? I also get confused with, if my H is NC, why is he still foggy? It has only been 1 mo, but he claimed NC after dday #1, and lied and continued to be in the fog. I see this as a total addiction. His escape from reality, from himself. His fix to feel good, instant gratification .

Anyhow, I could go on and on, I just found your post helpful and thought if you could give me some advice here, it would be really helpful to me. Thanks.

I too read her post and found it very helpful. So far I haven't been able to find her.

I was amazed because her husband sounded so much like mine too. He is very slowly starting to come around. He and OW had a baby in August. We were in the middle of a reconciliation then, but 2 weeks later he decided he wanted to work things out with her. They have limited contact bc she lives in another state and lives with her parents who hate him.

Hi gals.
I think that is also why I liked her message; it sounded like my husband because of such a change in his behavior.
He was a steadfast faithful husband for 20 years!

And I also chose not to go to Plan B but instead to be the sweetest, kindest most understanding sexy wife that I could possibley be!

What I discovered with requesting NO CONTACT was like telling a child they could not have a cookie; it makes them want it that much more!

So, twice a month, in my presence, he called her to see how she was doing. (She was NOT married.)They truly were good friends and he was missing her tremendously, and yeah, that deeply hurt my heart yet I had to be able to stand it if I wanted to accomplish being understanding!)

Actually, the OW is the one that 'dumped' him as she knew she could never have him for keeps and she wanted a husband and family of her own! (I am glad of that!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I feel it would have been BETTER though, if he had the motivation and will to STOP the affair rather than it to have been stopped for him by the OW.

Oh well, whatever, life has moved on in a good diretion...He no longer has the NEED to have communication with her. (Unless he is sneaking e-mails from work, but he says not.)
Love, Julie Jo
Maybe Lostva has no need to come here anymore as her marriage may be totally healed, what do you think?

<small>[ December 27, 2003, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>