In Sept'03, I confronted H of suspected affair. He broke down and confessed it all to me. It was short-term, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to accept. My H and myself are both 41, and have been married 23yrs. The affair was with a co-worker(who was fired when her boss learned of the situation-which was her confession as to why she was so upset that day), who just happens to be my 26yr old cousin, who is also married and has been for 7 years. She has never been accepted by most of my family, as she was the product of an affair my uncle had been involved in(which makes no difference, I just thought I would give a little more background). Our first names are the same, as she was named after me. Honestly, in my heart, I feel this was a personal attack against me. She was even quoted as saying "I just want to **** you, just to see what the perfect cousin has"
I know she pursued him for months, but that doesn't make it any easier. She was having trouble at home, you know, the true damsel in distress syndrome(or so I call it). It started as friendship, and she started asking him to meet her after work, she needed someone to talk to. My husband would tell me he was going to be late to talk to a friend after work, I had complete trust in him, and I refused to let my imagination run away with me. I was seriously in denial, until I smelled perfume on his clothes. I was angry and oh so HURT!
I told him I refuse to tolerate this, and I'm no fool, and that any love I felt for him, he had killed. Which of course is a lie. I do love him, but the hurt is so bad, I feel I can't even breathe sometimes.
My H ended the affair immediately. Her husband also knows of the affair. My H said he had wanted to end it several times, but was afraid she would contact me and I would leave him(poor excuse).
I don't know what to do, he says he is dedicated to saving our marriage. He also says he needs me or his life is meaningless. I, of course, feel that he should've thought of that before he had an affair. The trust is gone. I am trying to have some sort of a life, would love to save my marriage, but how can I overcome this?
Everything seemed to be going fine, we are both trying. I have some real issues, and he is putting forth effort, which is a good beginning to rebuilding our marriage. THEN, 5 days ago, the phone rang, it was her husband, requesting to talk to my H, who of course wasn't home. My H was at work at the time. We, Myself and OWH, spoke for maybe 2 minutes. OWH asked me how I was, and how my marriage was going, he said he knows it's as difficult for me as for himself. The problem came when I told my H that the OWH had called. My H got so angry, and that is when I found out that my H had called her from our home while the affair was going on. I feel violated all over again. Everytime something new comes to light, I feel like it's a fresh wound.
This OW continually phones my H job, telling other people there to give him messages, as he refuses to speak to her, he also refuses to return her calls. The OW wanted to continue the affair, which he of course told her is out of the question.
Now, here I am, wondering where he is every second of the day. Wondering if he is in contact with her in any way. The actual distrust that exists in my marriage now is tearing me apart.
Please someone tell me how to overcome this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This idea came from a MC and I think it's pretty good, at least for discouraging OW from trying to contact OW. As for the rest of recovery, we aren't even started, so I have nothing to suggest.

Have H send OW a NC letter by certified mail and tell her that he will file a harassment order against her if she contacts him or asks anyone else to contact him.

My H wouldn't do this, even though the MC suggested it, because he thought it was too mean. When I then called OWH and he told me that OW was telling him she wanted a last goodbye with WH, I called OW and threatened to tell people at work about the A, and she filed a harassment order against me! Funny thing. She then contacted WH because now there was nothing to fear from me.

My H was kind to OW but, once again, at my expense.

I hope your H can help you at least in assuring NC.

I wish my H had considered my feelings rather than decide that he shouldn't be so mean to OW.

<small>[ December 28, 2003, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Told H I want him to send a letter, he said he doesn't want to contact her at all. No letter, no call, no contact whatsoever. He says it is over, that is that. He doesn't want to be outwardly mean. I said "outwardly mean?" He doesn't want to be cruel and hurt her feelings. I of course am more worried about my own feelings right now. He said as long as she isn't calling his home and bothering me, I shouldn't have any problems at all. He said what's wrong? NO TRUST?
How can he even expect trust?
That has to be earned.

Sorry, but the LEAST he can do if you are willing to stay in the marriage is send her a no contact letter. NOW. That must be a non negotiable boundary that you set. It is an IMPORTANT demonstration of his committment to YOU. That demonstration is vital to your recovery.

He also needs to open up his life to you and give you his passwords to everything. He should also talk to you throughout the day so that you can account for every minute. He should agree to tell you of any contact the OW attempts with him. I would also suggest that you stay in touch with the OWH so you can compare notes.

The above are only the FIRST STEPS that your H has to take in order to rebuild the trust he has destroyed. They are absolutely necessary to help you recover.

I would also suggest getting the book Surviving an Affair and reading EVERYTHING you can about Marriage Builders principles on this website.

Another important step will be to get into some PRO-MARRIAGE counseling that will help you identify what has led to this affair so you can take steps to resolve it. [the Harley's are extremely effective counselors who can often achieve in 2 sessions what most counselors can never acheive]

Just know that you CAN rebuild trust and come out of this with a better marriage than you had before. It is VERY possible with alot of work.

Here are some important links:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5032a_qa.html

Go to the main page: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html
and click on the links under "infidelity." Please read all of the links and that will give you a good overview of the MB program.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by amouskitear:
[QB] Told H I want him to send a letter, he said he doesn't want to contact her at all. No letter, no call, no contact whatsoever. He says it is over, that is that. He doesn't want to be outwardly mean. I said "outwardly mean?" He doesn't want to be cruel and hurt her feelings. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your feelings and life are destroyed as a result of his actions. Any hurt feelings that the OW has are a direct result of her OWN choices. You didn't have a choice in any of this and are her victim. He needs to understand that.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said what's wrong? NO TRUST?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course you have no trust. Only an insane person would trust an untrustworthy person. Some of the things he says indicate a less than committed stance to restoring your marriage. You may have quite a job on your hands.

Husband says, Can't we just forget this ever happened? Oh Dear Lord, wouldn't I love to be able to do that?
I start to feel better, a little closure, then WHAM, something is said, and I'm back to square 1.
WH has asked me how I feel, please tell him what's going through my head, that he will try his best to be a better husband and father. And of course promises that I will never have to go through anything like this again.
I will tell ya'll, what's going through my head is disgust. I am so embarassed. Everyone knows what has happened. My family, children, his family, his coworkers... I mean everyone. How can I hold my head up? I have always tried to put myself above the spite and anger I am feeling right now.
He keeps saying over and over, I am so sorry, he has cried and gotten on his knees and begged. He says she no longer exists in his world, or in his mind, and if I wouldn't bring it up, we would be happier.

I promise you, it WILL GET BETTER. There will come a day when you don't even think about it anymore. It is just extremely important that you both take steps for a proper recovery to ensure this doesn't happen again. If the conditions that led to his vulnerability are not resolved, it will happen again. That is why counseling is so important.

Have you both taken the emotional needs questionaires to see if you are meeting each others needs? You can down load them on the MB home page.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have always tried to put myself above the spite and anger I am feeling right now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are supposed to be feeling anger. That is part of your recovery and is a normal, healthy reaction.

He seems distant, even mopey sometimes over the last few days. I guess that's my fault. I did a big NO NO!!!!
My anger got the best of me, I called her house. I told the woman to stop calling my husband's job, I didn't care what pretense she had. She says she calls to talk to "Earl"(a different coworker), not to talk to my husband. I really got mad then, and informed her that if her and "Earl" are such good friends, then why didn't she call him at home, instead of on the job? She said she doesn't have his home number. Then me, being the BI*** that I am, said... well, of course you wouldn't call his house, his wife is there, right? isn't that how you do things? behind wive's backs?
the OW then told me that she's met Earl's wife, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with her talking with Earl. I said, "well, maybe she wouldn't like you talking to her husband if she knew the truth, like the fact that you are fu***** every darn man out there that'll stand still long enough, and you're nothing but a WHORE."(that was the end of the conversation)

Honestly, I do know of 3 other married men at the job she has chased around until she was sleeping with them. My WH was far from the 1st she pursued on the job.

She then proceeded to call my husband, and tell him about the call. He of course didn't believe a lot of what she said, she had made up a lot of nonsense. for instance, that I called to make a date to sleep with her husband.. etc... that's just a sample of the crap she was slinging. He said to me: so, you say she's a whore, right? I said YEP, sure did! He said, so what does that make me? I told him , I guess you're nothing better than a whore too. I also told him that as far as I'm concerned, I have the right to say or do anything I damn well please.

My WH just says what do I have to do? What's going to make you realize that you're the one I love, that was just something that happened. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. I am so ashamed of myself, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you.

Now what?? someone tell me...PLEASE
The last few days I've been lower than low, I feel desperate for some emotional relief. This is killing me inside. PLEASE HELP

amouse, did you read what I said earlier? He needs to send a sincere NO CONTACT letter to the OW telling her to NEVER contact him again and that the affair was wrong and that he loves his wife and wants to fix his marriage. His willingness to do this is a neccesity that is REQUIRED right now to calm you down.

He needs to promise to never ever talk to the OW again. If she calls, he should hang up. He should never call her. If she is calling this other man at work, then its important to alert Earl's wife also because she sounds like a remoreseless predator.

And yes, he will be mopey. It might be because he is in withdrawal and because you are lovebusting him. Please stop doing that if you want to save your marriage. Yes, we know you are enraged. You should be. But you must get control of your emotions. Come here and RAGE at us so that we can reason with you and help you deal with your feelings RATIONALLY and PRODUCTIVELY, ok? Let us help you through this.

whoops, I see that you have 2 threads going. CSue gave you some great advice over there! Maybe we could let this thread drop instead of 2 threads going?

He refuses to send the NC letter. Absolutely refuses. He says that would be contact, and he's not doing that in any way shape or form.

Just a short time ago, I received a call from her, she called to apologize for the pain she has caused my family, and that it was all her, and she is leaving him alone. That he has made it perfectly clear he wants nothing to do with her.
I hope it was the truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by amouskitear:
<strong> He refuses to send the NC letter. Absolutely refuses. He says that would be contact, and he's not doing that in any way shape or form.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats ok. Its a letter to contact her to tell her that it is over between them - but its a productive contact. The purpose is to PROTECT YOU and demonstrate to you that he places your welfare OVER HERS. That is an essential step that he has to take in order for you to recover from his damage.

Melody, thank you, the pep talks do help me a lot.
Well, I did it, he told him to write the NC letter, and I would help him do it, and send it to her, or else. He said or else what? I told him to start packing, I cannot live under this stress, and all I have asked is for him to simply write a letter and after what has happened he should want to ease my mind.
He's writing it. Promising to mail it certified, just like I asked. He said he wants me to go to the post office with him, maybe that will help give me closure. When he's finished writing it, we're both going to sign it. I really do think this is going to help me.
To melody and CSue, thank you for giving me the strength to make this demand.
Melinda

Amous,

I can remember in detail how good it felt to mail that letter. I took it to the post office myself. One thing I did to help insure delivery is that I used OW's address as the return address on the envelope.

H wrote the NC letter before we found SAA and the very excellent NC letter it has. I don't know if it would have made a difference or not, but OW tried to contact H many times after NC letter was sent. Your OW may too. Here's the important part of any attempted contact. Make it very very clear in a loving to your H that ANY attempt at recontact by OW needs to be communicated to you ASAP.

WS's tend to think it's better to keep that information to themselves; of course it's not best. My H stumbled on that one the first time - so I had to make it clear more than once. However he came through on all other occasions and told me each time. That helped me to feel that we were working together dealing with the problem of the OW.

Blessings to you! CSue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by amouskitear:
<strong> He said he wants me to go to the post office with him, maybe that will help give me closure. When he's finished writing it, we're both going to sign it. I really do think this is going to help me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">\
Melinda, do you think he understands the point behind this all or is he doing it because there is a gun to his head? Does he mean what he is writing? I sure hope it is the former because I am concerned here that he might not understand that damage he has caused to you and that he MUST have a part in repairing that damage.

You are not going to get closure for a long time, Melinda. This is just a first BABY STEP. He will have to work overtime to undo the damage he has caused. That is why I think it is SOOO important for you to get into counseling. Not only to repair the damage but to uncover the conditions that led to this in the first place. Have you read Surviving an Affair yet?

The letter is done, and sent. I did talk to him Melody, about your questions, I thought they were some good ones. He said he is doing this because he knows it's the right thing to do, so we can get on with our lives and make our marriage work. He said that's what is most important to him. He doesn't think that OW will call anymore, after her call to me, but the letter will let her know once and for all, he's not interested in seeing or talking with her ever again, it was the biggest mistake he ever made, he said maybe I'm right, if it's in writing she might actually believe it. If she does still attempt to contact him, He has promised to tell me right away. He said he meant every word that he wrote, and honestly, for this once, I believe him. Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part, but I have to believe something or go nuts here. OW will get the NC letter Friday. We will be out of town through the weekend. He said if she calls, or anything, not to erase it from the ID, and harrassment charges will result, just like he put in the letter.
Honestly CSue, I do feel better after mailing the letter.
Melody, I did get SAA, from a friend, who told me how much it helped her when she went through this.
It has opened my eyes, I've read it twice so far.
I am in individual counseling, and with the help of all of you, it is getting better.
Thank you all

I feel really down today, I don't know what makes me that way sometimes. This A stuff just sits in the back of my mind to stab me with doubts. He hasn't done anything to make me feel this way. C says learning to accept is the key.
We have both done the questionaires, according to them, my EN are not yet being met. H asks, what do I need to do? I am so unhappy, I feel like crying all the time. I told H honestly, I don't know if there is anything you can do, what you have done cannot be undone (ie A)
Is it possible that the reason my EN aren't being met is because I won't allow it? It is so difficult to open your heart when it's so badly bruised.
My brain works,.. has she called work and he's just not telling me? Is she sitting in the parking lot waiting for him to come out? Waiting at the convenience store he stops at? You see, nothing would surprise me. I have thought about going to see for myself, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Should I? Any input would help me..
Thanks again,
Melinda

My husband said it was over. Even to a counselor that we have been seeing for about 6 weeks. Sat. he left saying every time he came home his stomach was in knots and he doesn't want to get sick. Yesterday, he called me to come over my daughter's house where he was babysitting. He said he enjoyed being alone, no one bothering him or talking about things he didn't want to hear. He could go and come as he pleases. Well, last night so much for his aloneness. He slept over the O/W house. All along since June 28 he said he was not seeing or talking to her and I suspected the opposite. Yesterday he said she is not in the picture , how can he lie. No wonder we didn't heal or make a go of it. I don't know whether just to throw in the towel or just let him do whatever and wait to see what happens. I hate to give up 35 yrs.

Lefty, 35 yrs is along time to love and respect someone, just to let it go. I have been married 23yrs, and I don't want to lose what I have... but I think I need more. I need it to be the way it was, or the way I thought it was... It seemed perfect, romantic, best friends too... Now, when he tries for it to be the way it was, I am looking for an alterior motive.. why is he doing this? is he covering for something? I'm driving myself nuts. My counselor said, face it, come to grips with it, forgive and move ahead with my marriage. I overananlyze everything in my mind. It's a sick process and all I'm doing is hurting myself and straining my family.

Amous,

The rollercoaster you're on unfortunately is quite normal. It's horrible. I'll say to you what I say to many here - through MB counseling they'll take you and your H through a "Recovery Plan" that details specifically what both of you need to do right now at this stage where you are.

You're guided by an expert - and since each individual situation is different the recovery plan is different as well.

Expensive, but the best money my H and I spent. Saved us in the long run in emotional pain and I think $$$ too over the long haul. It would have taken us years in counseling to get to the point where we are now.

The recovery plan is not something I see talked about much here, and it's not detailed in any of the books because it's specifically designed for each couple. It's what gave me hope and peace because with Steve Harley's help, my husband wrote a recovery plan that addressed my specific needs & concerns. As long as both of us follow the plan FWH specifically - we're OK! Blessings, CSue