CSue, I truely wish I could do the MB counseling, but money is an issue at this moment in time. In a month or so, it won't be... but now things are stretched as it is. Our insurance doesn't cover any type counseling, the C I'm seeing is through a program that works at a reduced rate.
That doesn't help my emotional state either.
These mood swings are horrible. Is there anything you can suggest to calm my overactive imagination? Or what my husband calls my overactive imagination? I just got off the phone with my dr, he's no help... says I do not need medications, I need to work through this problem. I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand...

Melinda

Melinda

Let me dig through my notes and see what I have. What you're describing sounds like anxiety attacks. Happened to me to in a big way. I was SO angry about that alone, because I had NEVER had anxiety before the affair...sheesh!

My anxiety took on a life of it's own. SH gave me specific instructions for what to do. I'll take a look and come back!

Glad you have insurance supported counseling. Personally I think you're doing very well for how new this is. I seriously struggled daily sometimes minute to minute through the 1s t 6 months; then slowly after 6 months I started feeling some relief. I'll be back! CSue

Have you read anything about WS making amends? In "After the Affair", by Shirley Glass she mentions a list of small and big amends. The small things were like going somewhere you like to go but WS does not, up to bigs ones like signing over property to you. I like the idea. I don't know what MB thinks about it, but at least it is something concrete WS can do. It is not like a payment, but a gesture of amends from WS.

CSue, anything you can find would be helpful. I do appreciate it. Now that you've said it, I guess it probably is anxiety attacks, or something very similar.
Husband called from work, wanted to let me know he was going to be a little late, had to go in main office on way home. He said he called so I wouldn't worry. The reason he really called is so I wouldn't get the wrong idea if he was a few minutes late. I feel like such a child! I live by a timeclock, watching it, figuring exactly how much time he needs to do this.. that.... It's sickening. Why do I let myself do that? Counselor said... just relax, believe in him... I said YEAH, RIGHT! I already did that, and look what that got me! I am now a 41yr old clock watcher! It makes me sick that I do this to myself. It makes me sick that he made me like this. I resent it, really I do. I am so rattled, he had to call and explain why he would be 5 min late getting home. Well, I guess I need to look at the bright side, at least he cared enough about my feelings to make the call. But, if he cared so much about me and my feelings, we wouldn't be in this situation would we?
Believer, I haven't seen that book yet, I'm still reading SAA and TA. Honestly, TA makes a lot of sense to me, it's amazing how it seems to put so many my thoughts and feelings to paper. I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

It's raining, I think that only adds to my despair. Honestly, I feel lonely.... I have tried to talk to friends, they get angry, tell me to kick him out... etc... I feel noone understands. Don't know what I'd do without MB right now. I'm going in to see Dr today, maybe he'll help with some AD, he refused before, or maybe I just need a different DR!
C says, one day at a time... let him know what he would could be missing, try to understand that he's going through a lot of emotions also. I left there yesterday... my last comment to C was..."you know what? no matter how far I dig into my butt, I can't seem to find anything that makes me give a CRAP" (not nice, I know) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
That is how I feel when he's at work, or just not here at any given moment. Am I wasting my time? Will these feelings ever go away? Will I ever feel "normal" again?
Love? I am so confused... Love is unconditional, unwavering, honest, compassionate...etc... I don't feel that right now at this moment.
Then, my H walks through the door, puts his arms around me... says "Hi Baby, I'm home.... I've thought about you and missed you all day long. How was your day?"
That makes ME feel guilty! I just say "Fine"
Why can't I just cut loose? Is there ever going to be the right time for me to let it out? I worry what the reaction would be. Honestly, there has been enough hurt.
He calls from work, just to talk for a few minutes, make sure everything is ok. If that was the real reason he's calling, that'd be ok, but he's really checking in, and I know it. A few times he has called asking me to go pick up some lunch and bring it to the plant, he wants to have lunch with me, even if it's only in the parking lot. So you see? I do think he's trying, why can't I just accept it?
The men he works with know the situation also. If I do call for some reason and he's not in the office at that exact moment, they get upset. Saying "Ms Melinda, he is here, just stepped out to do a job, but I'll raise him on the radio for you" I tell whoever that isn't necessary, just give him a message to call when he gets a break. They answer with "oh no mam, I'm getting him right now, please hold on, we've been told to give any call from you top priority"
At least they don't ask Melinda who? anymore! I'm sure the whole name issue was difficult for them at first, while she was calling. I know they were trying to help by screening his calls. He told them he didn't want to talk to her under any circumstances. Honestly, I did ask 2 of the different people there, if she was calling, they said NO MAM, she is NOT, but if she does, calls are routed directly to the supervisor, per your H request. The last time she called there, the supervisor told her not to call again, and she hasn't.
Lord, I am so sorry this is such a long winded post, I just needed to vent. Thanks so much for being here, just a bad day.. again... and again..
Melinda

Melinda, I have some time later today to look up the stuff I was talking about.

You're really doing fine & I wouldn't be able to say that If I couldn't relate to exactly how you feel. I am encouraged by your husbands actions of calling you often to let you know what he's doing and also to check and see how you are doing.

This is all good stuff. Don't forget that you're still so new at this. The hurt is so recent - what you're feeling is perfectly normal & know the bad intense feelings will slowly subside.

I'm glad you're going to pursue the anti-d's. In particular I liked Welbutrin because I experienced less side effects.

Also a couple of things helped me. I journalled like crazy. That's how I could tell looking back that I was doing better. It was proof in my own words and writing.

Another thing is that I started walking daily. 3 miles a day - in the rain, sleet & snow if need be. The fresh air, sunshine etc is what got me off anti-d's for good.

You have to be proactive in taking better care of yourself. Build some good healthy habits - you'll start to feel like you're in control a bit more.

Also be sure to express your appreciation to your H when you feel he's making some extra effort. It will encourage him to do more of the same.

Keep posting - get rid of the poison you're feeling right here. Venting is healthy here! Back Later, CSue

<small>[ January 09, 2004, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

Melinda, while looking for my stuff on anxiety - I found something I think is more appropriate at the moment. It's something I wrote my H when I found myself in a similar place. It has to do with reassurance!

Here goes -

2/9/03

H, I feel that we’ve come a long way in healing and recovery. I truly believe that we are nearly at the post recovery stage of our relationship – maybe something closer to “maintenance. With what we’ve learned, through reading, counseling and from each other I feel we have learned to be each other’s coach.

I say the above with a little apprehension. Since I have been concerned about your connectiveness with other women I have struggled to be safe in our marriage. Safety in our marriage is the major source of stress in my life right now. It’s what has consumed me for the last year and a half.

You see here’s what I need for you to know. I need reassurance; and lots of it. I need to know that you are more connected to me than anyone else. Without constant reassurance your actions are going to hurt me. I just want you to know this.

Reassurance that basically says here’s how I am guarding my weakness, so that there’s no way I’m going to be connected with anyone else.

Reassurance that you’re following your recovery plan rules and guidelines. You being completely open and honest with me so that there is no secrecy in our life.

Trust will come from this. Trust will be a product of reassurance.

Thoughtfulness and sensitivity from you as I desensitize from your relationships with women. I can do this successfully with reassurance.

Let me be clear that I am not asking for NC with (leaving name blank here); I am just asking for reassurance. You see the recovery plan impacts not just your relationship with her, but with any woman because it’s really about you and me.


Steve recommended a great book (Not Just Friends) that has just been published. He doesn’t recommend outsiders books very often; and in fact isn’t quite through reading this book himself. I have ordered it and should have it this week. From what he says it’s a great book that will help us understand pre-A issues like connectiveness with other women.

It would reassure me if you were more knowledgeable in this area. It could make a huge difference in reassuring me.

Reassurance is the key. (The End)

There was something else I put on H's copy. It was about rewriting my mental hard drive with positive experiences over negative experiences. That’s what I feel will take time and help me heal.

Just constantly rewriting over the negative experiences so that there are only positive ones remaining. With this 2 year anniversary d-day approaching I feel like we’ve rewritten over quite a lot already. It’s feeling better.

Hope this helps - CSue

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

^bump^

CSue,
I have been away for several days, trying to find myself, so to speak. Still unsure about my life I guess. We, husband and I, have done quite a bit of talking. I feel better one minute, then bumming out the next. I'll probably be like that for a long while, just like you all have said it'll be.
I appreciate you adding the letter you had written to your husband. It made a lot of sense to me, and you explained beautifully the feelings I am experiencing also. I should sit down, and write my feelings out, maybe I'd be better at expressing them to him that way. Sometimes, when we talk, I get flustered, or angry, which is no way to communicate. He's so afraid of hurting my feelings, he doesn't want to talk about anything most of the time. Honestly, during our last talk, I told him, "you couldn't possibly fathom how deeply you have hurt me or how crushed I feel." His response was, If you want a divorce, I understand, and that's probably what I deserve, I can't blame you for any of this, it was all me, and it was a horrible thing to do.
When I look at him, I really don't feel the way I used to. It's like living with a stranger. If I don't improve I'll never overcome this. I have to find a way to get it all out, a letter seems the best way.
Thank you again,
Melinda

Amous,

I have quite a file on my computer with all sorts of different vents that I was then able to "translate" into communication to my H.

I needed the vent version because I had to get the intense emotions out. However there was usually a message I needed to communicate. So I started with the vent version - then created the "communicating" version.

The vent version was full of LBs; so of couse I edited those out. Because as Steve Harley says - "safety 1st". Meaning if my husband can't be safe from me and my love busters not much else can work.

Plus the habit of editing helped me present it in a way that had greater impact. I wasn't so focused on the words so I could put emphasis on the tone and meaning. Keep us posted as to how you are doing! Csue

<small>[ January 17, 2004, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

CSue,
I have written a few letters, and BOY, do they need some serious editing! Completely full of LBs. They even sound a little like whining, and I cannot stand that.
For the last few days, my husband has been using my name when he talks to me.. that just crawls up my spine. Today, when he said "Melinda...." I wanted to hit him. Since learning of the A, I have lost my temper a few times, and told him point blank, don't call me that, call me anything but that, never use that again in my presence. Am I turning psycho or something?
Since the OW and I share the same first name, I cannot stand to hear it from him.
My GOD, will I ever get past this?

Melinda, yes you will get past this!! How perfectly terrible that you share first names!!!

My name sounds very close to OWs name; and I still do jump inside a bit whenever I hear her name.

This name thing will certainly be an interesting issue to get past. Talk about triggers!!! I remember when I first came here; JL posted to me and said that the day would come when I would feel such empathy for my FWH due to the pain of the consequences of his actions. Hard for me to believe at first - but it did happen.

I sort of already feel sorry for your H; because it's going to be tough for him to live down with you both having the same name. Sheesh...My impression is that you're doing very well with all of this.

It's kind of therapeutic to see your vents "non-edited" isn't it!! Blesings, CSue

CSue,
Thank you so much for being there for me.
I'm in a sorta boohoo mood tonite. This is just crappy.
I was having such a bad day the other day, he responded with "maybe I should just leave and file for divorce, I can't stand to see you like this and know that I caused it." I said, well, If you were gonna have a pity party why wasn't I invited? If you want to leave, I can't stop you.

Well, he didn't leave.
I know he's dealing with a lot of guilt, but darnit, HE SHOULD BE! Sometimes he seems to be down, sort of in a funk, I know from what I've read here, that's pretty normal. I actually asked him if he missed her. He said Her? NO! but I miss her upbeat personality. He said she was always happy, always smiling... the way I used to be. He admitted she made him feel young and desired.
Once again, he said.. he doesn't want her, he wants me.
As hard as I try, I am just NOT happy. I feel like a piece of ME is missing. Our kids walk around on egg shells afraid of upsetting mom.
I wish I knew how long this horrible feeling will last. I feel empty, just plain empty.
Melinda

Melinda,

These feelings are not going to go away all by themselves. Do you and your husband have a plan for recovery?

Those who do, seem to fare better - sooner than those who don't.

It's OK to wallow; I sure did - but don't get stuck there. You each have personal recoveries in addition to marital recovery.

Wallow in grand style, then get busy with recovery!! CSue

CSue,
I don't know where to start.. I have been wallowing in it, and that's got to stop. I have done about all that I'm going to. I have told H and IC, I still don't know what I want right now. I do love my H, but it's just not the same. I have been violated by the one person I thought would never do it.(I know I'm not alone with that feeling!) I want my M, but I want who he used to be in my eyes, not what I see before me now.

For some reason, tonite I had this sick feeling in my stomach that he was talking to her on the phone from work. I don't know why, I just feel it. If I find that feeling was right, I'm sorry but I've had enough. I won't ask him, so I don't know how in the world I could possibly find out. He has promised me time and again that if she calls or anything he would tell me. I told him i only want the truth for a change. I tried to call his job for over an hour (he's the only one there when he's on nights) and the audex machine picked up on the third ring.. which means someone is on the phone, not that he was busy and away from the phone. I left a message for him to call. He did, and said he's sorry I couldn't get through when I tried to call, Earl was on the phone. Well people::: Earl works straight days, and he leaves the job at 530pm every day. This call was at 7pm. I accepted that, without any other questions. Then I tried to call again... same thing... only no Earl... he said he was busy doing a job in the plant.. Audex rings 8 times when noone is there to answer, so I know better. He called me 2 hrs after the fact, and I didn't answer the phone. I decided I'm not home...then the cell began to ring, and he called it every 5 minutes, alternating between the home phone and the cell until I finally answered. He asks why I'm acting so funny and not answering his calls. I said I didn't want to take away from his busy schedule.
Look everyone, this is the first time since DDay that I've felt this way. Is it just my imagination? Should I accept his excuses or call him a liar? I will not and have not questioned him, he immediately offers up these excuses. Is he trying to be honest? or is he trying to cover?
I need insight, anyone know of a good mind reader?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Amous, you may not like what I'm going to say here; but I feel it's important.

You need to TELL him exactly how conflicted you are feeling. Do it in a way that isn't an attack. But don't "protect" him from your feelings. You have to be open and honest with him like you want him to be with you.

Communication doesn't get easier over time, if anything withdrawal from communication will get worse if you don't force yourself to communicate now.

Don't hit him over the head with it - just tell him. And keep telling him.

You can't control his behavior, and you're making yourself crazy with what's whirling around in your head. How do I know? Because I and others have been there too. I recognize it. Your husband doesn't.

Communicate, communicate, and communicate some more. How can he learn how to treat you if he doesn't have current information. You've got to be a safe person for him to be open and honest with. As you feel more in control you will begin to feel safer.

And I hate to say this, but you'll never have back the marriage that included "blind trust". So you'll want to grieve that loss; and if you do maybe you'll be ready to build a better marriage than you had prior to the affair. It's done all the time by people on this board - and the ones who do it well are pleased with the results. CSue

CSue, we talked. I told him just what was going through my mind. He keeps reassuring me that it's not what I think, he was out of the shack most of the night, a few men from a different unit were in there, they must've been on the phone, other than that he has no answer. He just knows he wasn't on the phone unless he was trying to call me. He took 2 days vacation to spend time with me. He can be so attentive that I do feel better emotinally when we have more time together.

I have a dr appointment tomorrow, maybe my diabetic dr will give me something for this depression. I thought it was worth a shot. I know I need something to help me at least for a short time, this stress is horrible.

From the things I read on this site, it gives me real hope that I can overcome this and have a happy marriage again. He says I fulfill his every need and he couldn't ask for a better wife, partner and friend. I try but my imagination is killing me. I hope the ADs work to pull me out of this slump. Rightnow, I don't feel like I even want to be around me.
Thanks everyone
Melinda

Melinda,

I wish for all of us that it didn't take soooooo long to feel better.

I'm glad you're going to talk with your doctor. The anxiety/depression is horrendous - and it feels like it's going to last forever.

Something that helped me and I may have already mentioned it but - I started walking every day. The fresh air and sunshine helped me feel alive. Even on cold, rainy, snowy days it felt even better. (there were less people out) The extreme temperatures, wetness welcome because they "shocked" me out of my self obsession for at least a little while. It helps with perspective because it's so tough to give yourself mental breaks from dealing with this madness.

You have to take mental breaks - give yourself a day off from thinking about this; or 1/2 day off, or even an hour. You see where I'm going with this. You can always return to reflect more. But force some structure into your day. Keep posting!! CSue

<small>[ January 22, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

Well, the Dr gave me some things that should help, or at least I hope it'll help.
We're still talking, I guess communication is the key to understanding. I am joining a local gym on the first, I do walk most days, I agree with ur perspective on that. I have realized that when I don't walk or get out at all, those are the days I feel my worst emotionally. I need to retrain my thoughts, that's what I need to do. The letters give me time to vent, and boy, have I been doing some venting!
Thanks
Melinda

Good Morning everyone, I feel like a good day is ahead. Lots on my agenda for the day, and keeping busy helps me a lot.
Torn Asunder finally arrived, so after the chores are done, i set back to do some more reading.
Can anyone give me some insight into After the affair? or Not just friends? Should I get those also?? SAA has made some changes in my life, given me more understanding of my M.
I have stopped seeing the IC, she told me on my last visit that she thought a seperation is my best option and I should make arrangements to do so. I told her I didn't think i was in need of her services any longer. She seems to think being around my H brings me too much emotional pain, so I should leave and let him wallow in his self-made misery for 6 months, then divorce or reconcile.
I have instead decided to do some things for myself, I'm beginning with a new attitude. No more pity parties for me. I'm doing this for ME. Any self improving ideas out there???

Melinda