Before I seek real legal advice, does anyone know if you can file a civil lawsuit against a person who had an affair with your spouse? I am thinking damages for the mental anguish, the huge cell phone bills, the mental and emotional toll it will take on my kids, etc.

Also,
Any grounds for getting a restraining order against the OM to not call my house or be anywhere in the vicinity, since it may put (in my opinion) my kids at risk? Keep in mind that my wife is very willing to see and talk to him. I just want him to stop calling and stay away.

I do know that there are few states that allow you to go after the OM or OW.

The legal jargon is "alienation of affection and or criminal conversion"

These states allow both claims,

North Carolina, Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota and Utah

You will need to check the laws specific for your state.


As for the restrainging order I'm not sure. If this is a real problem that your at home WW is ignoring then maybe she needs to move out or stop seeing other man.

You ARE asking for legal advice. Beyond the alienation of affection thing, it may be you could sue on the grounds you mention. But, you will have to talk with a lawyer to be sure. Being able to sue, and having a chance of winning are two different things, however.

Have you told the OM's wife? I know you have read a lot at MB, but please re-read the Plan A links in the quote below, if you have not told her.

Beyond that, Harley has said: "When the WS is trying to decide between the BS and the OP, it is time for Plan B". If your marriage is as you describe in your earlier posts, Plan B is likely to be effective. You will need a coach or counselor experienced in Harley's methods to help you through it, and avoid the pitfalls (two common ones being that it feels "wrong" and the need to avoid it looking like abandonment from a legal perspective.) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks to all of you for your words of advice and suggestions. I am seeking some legal advice. I especially need to know what my obligations and rights are should I need to enter Plan B.

To be honest, I had pretty much given up on the MB concepts. Those of you with a WS that seems hellbent on destroying your marriage and putting your kids emotions and needs at risk know what I mean. It is so discouraging. The one session I had with Jenn Harley was not terribly helpful - I had asked MB that she read my postings under Plan A/Plan B, but that did not happen and I got a log of generic stuff as feedback - stuff I already read. The hardest part is denying the Taker in me and allowing her to continue to hurt me so. She lies every day, she has seen him and had sex with him behind my back, all the while denying it. "How can I allow it to continue" is what I wold ask myself. I am not a control freak or anything, but I figured that I could make it very difficult on them, so I have changed our home phone number a few times, taken her cell phone (she ran up bills of $582 one month and $182 another) and I am tired of funding their affair and her lack of self control. Her car is in my name, and I took her keys away for a few days, took her access to our bank accounts away, etc. I since apologized and gave her the keys to her car back and all access to our bank accounts, but the way I see it, I have allowed her to become too "comfortable". She can see her kids all day long (2 lovely girls she loves - ages 11 months and 5 years), and then she goes and sees him on occaision or calls him whenever she feels like it. She is seeing a psychologist, and they are working on getting her to determine where she needs to go: stay with her family or leave with the OM for her own (selfish) happiness.

You read all the MB stuff and the links you provided (Johnh39) were great (I have printed them out to read again). But, while it all makes sense on paper, getting through the anxiety and painful situation every day is draining me emotionally, mentally and physically. I have focuse the past week on trying to get her to leave so that she can leave her cake-eating comfort zone. Now I am trying to refocus on the MB principals, but it is going to take a lot of work. I do not know if I have the strength.

The OW knows about the affair, as does half of my family and all of my wife's family. They are ready to disown her, and my request that they be civil with her have somewhat been effective (although her dad will not talk to her - even over the holidays). The issues with my wife and the issues of love and acceptace with her family go deep. For anyone with free time on their hands who would like a good book - I recommend "The Blessing" by Gary Smalley and Trent _____. It is about the impact on people if they do not have the blessing of love from their parents (or spouse) in the areas of the spoken work of love, a loving touch, telling them they are highly valued, etc. It has shown me where I can be a better husband if this ever works out - and how I can continue being a great dad to my 2 girls.

Thanks again to all. This is a great site. Hopefully my continued reading and prayers will allow me to determine the appropriate path: go back to plan A or give up.

hd: I would encourage you to seek out counseling again. Try someone else. One of the tasks of a good counselor/coach is to encourage you when things are hard, and they don't get much harder than this. I will pray for you and your wife.

In some states you can sue your wife for committing adultery and the affair partner for alienation of affection. However, IMO, it would be a waste of time and money. The problem is that you have allowed this affair to go on and on without taking a firm stand and sticking to it. Essentially you have enabled her to continue her affair. MB principles are great if both spouses are committed to working on rebuilding the marriage. I do not believe that they work if only one spouse wants to fix the marriage and the other does not. If you are going to do a Plan B get a legal separation, cancel all joint bank and credit card accounts and set up a communication system (email) so that you don't have to interact directly with her except on issues that concern your children. Your wife will not change unless she gets the message that you are ready to divorce her and move on with your life.

I checked with a lawyer, and Ohio no longer allows a lawsuit for alienation of affection (had previously allowed this). Restraining order not applicable unless he actually does something.
Wife won't leave and I cannot fathom not seeing my kids every day. I am seeing a christian counselor. Told wife yesterday that I did not think we would make it and that I was ready to make the necessary changes to cut her off financially (lawyer told me all that I can do legally). Hope was to get her to move out, have her see how she could not live without kids every day, see the man for what he was- in effect, Plan B. She was out with the other guy from 3 pm to midnight last night. Not sure she was coming home, I was prepared mentally to take the day off work to get my 11 month old into daycare and take my 5 year old to school. My 5 year old knows something is terribly wrong and had nightmares last night calling out for "Mommy". But wife came home at midnight and said they talked, went back and forth, and she said that there are some things one HAS to do, not necessarily WANTS to do. She said that by the time we went to bed today (Monday), it would be over for good. She would stop running in the place that he shows up at, she would go to my Christian counselor for marriage counseling, etc. That she wanted to work on her marriage, that this is where she belonged, etc. So now I have to speed read the sections of the book Surviving an Affair, about the things we need to agree on to try and make this work. Then this morning, she felt so bad, not sure she can do this (never see him again), etc. I gave her all the support I could, but had to go to work (I took a lot of days off over the holidays to be with her and the kids). Frankly, I don't think that she is going to be able to do it, and that in a week or two I will wish I took the measures to cut her off financially to let her know that I was moving on. Just an update for those following this sad saga.

hd, it is sad. My wife left and my 4 year old daughter would cry herself to sleep at night because she wanted "mommy". But you know, even seeing or hearing her children cry did not make a difference. If she was saddened by it, the OM would comfort her and tell her that it is all for the best. The cries, the children, they did nothing to shake my wife out of it. She is still out. I can only speak from my experience, if you are fed up now and you are thinking of giving up, it will get worse. Realistically, your wife may move out and forget about you and her children, seeing them only occasionally. I never thought that my wife was capable of doing that, but that is exactly what she is doing now. If you decide to stick this thing out, prepare yourself for the worst, because the worst is very possible.

I am dead now. Too much pain, too much waiting. I am just a dead man walking. I don't even know if I have given up. I feel like I have. I tell myself I have. But if she comes around tomorrow, I don't know what I will do.

I wish you the best and I advice you to mentally prepare yourself. Don't anticipate or expect any good thing. Because for me, that surprise just made it all the more difficult to deal with.

Hurting Dad, these principles do work, and I'm sorry that you had such a difficult experience with Jenn. I would suggest that you try Penny Tupy if you don't want to speak to Steve Harley. She's the only other person who's actually trained in these principles, and she can do an excellent job for you. She's not around the boards much anymore, and the next few weeks are pretty busy for her, but please send her an e-mail and see whether she can fit you in sometime soon.