well, i exposed my wife's internet affair to all friends and family. sent out an email, stating that she was having an affair but that i still loved her and wanted to make our marriage work. we are in AK, USA, OM is in London. WS bought airline tickets to London for January'04 (tells me the OM does not even know she is coming and she just wants to get away and was not planning on meeting him). I included that in the email also.

CCed the WS and the OM as well. WS was furious when she got the email. All of the friends and family members came down on her. She said she was going to file D the next day, and ask for full custody of our 17 months old daughter.

WS moved out the day she got the email. I called her and apologized for doing what I did, but said that had to as I needed emotional support (that is true I do/did need a lot of help). Says, she appreciates me apologizing and that she will not file D and will still leave the baby w/me.

She was also talking about either postponing or cancelling her trip to London. Talked about taking the baby w/her, but I was quite firm stating that if she goes, the baby stays.

Any thoughts? Should I go back to Plan A? Move on to Plan B?

What was your Plan A up to this point? How long, what improvements did you make in YOU?

Stop apologizing.

Focus on the moment at being the best Dad you can be. Your child is #1.

DO NOT try to stop your wife from completing her visit to London - don't encourage it, but don't hinder it. In essence, DO NOT deny her the opportunity to learn from her huge mistake. You've done all you can, now concentrate on YOUR Plan A improvements and your child. Your wife must save herself from herself. Just sit back and watch and don't take anything personally.

You move to plan B...when YOUR lovebank is completely empty....
when YOU are ready to totally seperate your self from the chaos...

While exposing the affair is percieved as a huge lovebuster...tough beans...

Setting boundaries and making declaritive statements in what you believe and know to be right...though perceived by the WS to be disrepectful does not make them so...

WS spouses actions are the epitomy of disrespect and removing yourself from any role of enabling that behavior is a sane move...

You got lots of good advice on your one post on plan a...

Do not powerstruggle with what you did in exposing...
apoligize that you realize your actions may have hurt her....BUT that you did what was right...anything else you felt like made you condone her actions...and that is something you can not and will not do...

How is your plan A going?
what interactions do you two have
how often do you communicate....
how often do you see her

ARK

The WS's usually get madder than wet hens during exposure....but it just doesn't last....probably because deep down they know how wrong this is. You did the right thing....and as you can see...it did exactly what it was supposed to do: inject conflict into the affair, get support from friends and family to help the marriage, and create enough awareness (break in the fog) to get them to rethink their actions.

thanks for the replies.

My Plan A consisted of avoiding Love Busters, avoiding being a reason of her unhappinesses, and attempts to meet her emotional needs and to make deposits into her Love Bank as much as possible.

There was quite a bit of improvement. She kept telling me she really liked me as a friend, saw a change in me, was re-thinking the whole separation thing. She said she was driving and asking God for guidance on whether or not to come back and make it work and then a car got in front of her. The license plate said BTRUE2U, so she took it as a sign from God to go through with the separation and to make herself happy. The night before I exposed the affair, she came back from first day of work (she got a job at a local bar, so she came back around 4:00 a.m.), we talked about her first day, etc. and then she decided to take a bath. I knocked on the door and asked if I could jump in. She said it would probably be ok (we were naked). Then I attempted to get sexual and was touching her. She was enjoying it, but after a while said, it was making her feel uncomfortable and was not turning her on at all.

I apologized for hurting her feelings and told her that the purpose of the email was to get emotional support for myself from family and friends. That it was not an attempt to turn everybody against her and to stop her from going to London. I can tell I made a little deposit into her Love Bank. But I do know that this email was a major Love Buster.

It all just happened over the weekend, so we did not have much time to see how it will turn out. We will probably communicate on a daily basis as she comes over and watches our daughter during the day while I am at work (since she has a night job).

Just got a call from her grandpa. He wanted us to come over for dinner tomorrow. To forget about problems and just have dinner and talk about neutral things. He called her after talking to me and she said "no". She had just called me at work and said that Yana (our daughter) just broke a glass and cut her hand really bad. So I ran home. Turned out to be nothing major, but I am still happy that she called me and asked for help. While I was home I asked again if she wanted to go to dinner at grandpa's house or if I could take her out tomorrow night. She said "I don't think so".

Ark, thanks for your advise on when to move to Plan B. It makes a lot of sense. I was not sure and was confused (even though I read Surviving an Affair cover to cover a couple of times). It makes a lot of sense going to Plan B when your account is drained. I'll follow that advise.

Should I keep asking her out and trying to make plans for us. Or should I wait and let her make the first step?

here is the latest.

WS had called me last night at 4 a.m. (after she got off work). she wanted to know what time I needed her to watch our daughter. We ended up talking for about half an hour about her day, work, etc. Then she had started conversation about my email, our relationship, etc. I told her I did not want to talk about the marriage or problems we have had. She kept bringing it up.

She was saying stuff like "Even if I came back now, you would just go back to the way you were", "It's best for us not get back together right now", etc. She was also saying that she did see the change in me but thought I was just playing a game to "wiggle my way back into the relationship". Said, it did not seem genuine (changed too fast), did not sound like me when I was talking to her, etc. She had also said that "just because she looks tough on the outside does not mean that she is not hurting inside".

Is that a good sign??? She sounded like she started having a lot more doubts about our separation and was considering reconciling, except she did believe that I have changed. Sometimes, I ask myself, Did I change or Am I playing a game???

Any feedback will be appreciated.

I know how you're feeling about the changing assap6. I wonder the same things about myself, and have had the same concerns presented to me by my W several times.

The bottom line on the changes though, is that only time will tell. All you can know for sure at this point is whtehr your attempts to change are to genuinely improve yourself, or just to "look better".

Uncomfortably Numb,

thanks for your post.

my changes are genuine. i am trying to help myself get over all this stuff, make myself better. i need to be better for myself and for my beatiful 17 months old daughter (she is staying w/me). i still hope for reconciliation at some point in the future, but stopped expecting it anymore. like you said, time will show.

what have you been doing? have you been trying to be persistent to spend time w/your WS? Does she want to spend time w/you? My WS does not want to share any undivided time and I am not sure whether to keep trying to get her to spend time w/me or to just give her space and let her make the first step...

any comments?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by assap6:
<strong>"Even if I came back now, you would just go back to the way you were", "It's best for us not get back together right now", etc. She was also saying that she did see the change in me but thought I was just playing a game to "wiggle my way back into the relationship". Said, it did not seem genuine (changed too fast), did not sound like me when I was talking to her, etc. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very, very, very typical WS response when they see REAL changes in a BS that neuters their excuses. Good job. But you're scared as heck, right?

Here's the reply you should give:

"I am scared. I am terrified of losing my family. You've gotten my attention. I've had a wake up call. I've taken a heartfelt look at us and myself and I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and my role in this relationship in the last few days. I cannot unlearn this. In a way, it's not the "me" you're used to. We've got nothing to lose and everything to gain to give this our best try."

....or words to that effect.

WAT

Please read the follwing Plan A links. Your Plan A is incomplete. Stay in it. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Concepts" link above. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

thanks WAT:

i guess I screwed up on the response. I just told her that I have changed, but there is nothing I can do or say to prove it. Time is the only proof i have and will hang in there and give her space and give myself a chance to prove that I have changed. When she said that she did not think it was genuine I did try proving otherwise by telling her, that even though I still love her, have a lot of faith in her and our relationship and do hope for reconciliation some time soon, I am not changing for her. I am changing for myself and for my daughter and that if she does decide to come great, if not I know I'll come out a much better person.

When she started bringing up our future or past, I just told her that I did not want to talk about it, that to some extent I was trying to put everything behind and to make myself better and her trying to talk about it was not helping. I hope that was ok.

She also started facing some real problems once she moved out. Both emotional and financial. One, her whole family turned against her and she is not finding support from anybody except for one of her friends. Two, I have always had my name on all the assests/accounts, etc. So, she does not really have any credit history. Plus, when she was 15 years old, she overdrew an account she had w/her father and that got put on her credit. I paid it off (it was only $50) last year, but it's still there and she is not able to open a bank account. I want to help her, but I limit my help to advising her how to attack the situation. I think she expects me to open an account in my name for her. Not going to happen.

What hurts the most, is that she is trying to do everything she can to hurt me. I guess, she is trying to get me to lose control, to have an agnry outburst, disrespectful judgement or a selfish demand. For example, she knows I hate body piercing and had always asked her not to pierce her body. Well, she got her belly button pierced and was showing it off to me (and says how much she likes it in every conversation we have) and then tells me she wants to go get a nose ring now. Then she talks about all the guys hitting on her and all that (she is working at a bar). Last night she told me she was the only girl in the bar and all the guys were hitting on her. She had to tell me phrases they used, things they did in quite detail. Hurts as hell, but I was able to control myself and did avoid all the LBs. I think she was caught off-guard when I did not respond the way she expected me to (I am also doing the 180 by Michelle Weiner-Davis in connection with Plan A).

Thank you. Your post has made me feel good. I was actually feeling very good after our conversation w/her last night. I felt I was on the right track, but oh yes, I was/still am scared as heck.

Good job. Don't fall for that "baiting." She IS trying to get you to react negatively, which she would use against you.

Her: You would not BELIEVE all the guys hitting on me!!

You: Sure I would. I hit on you, remember?

WAT

I agree with the responses of WAT and johnh39. You are still in Plan A, and should stay there.

As for me, no, my wife has actually told me that she does not, under any circumstances, want to spend any time with me. Even the couple of times I've arranged to spend time with my stepdaughters, she's made sure that she either wasn't there, or wouldn't have to be around me for any longer than absolutely necessary. I've tried to "test the waters" a few times, through the occasional email or phone call, always with a legitimate reason, and sometimes including a simple question or little prsonal comment (I'm still here if you want to talk, I Love You, askeing her out to see that movie she's been waiting a year to see, etc). She has either just ignored everything personal, given a short cold irritable reply, or given me the "I'll let you know" answer followed by nothing.

Typical or not, if that's the way your wife is acting towards you, you're not alone. But if it were me, with my wife, having it to do over again, I'd be persistent but not aggressive; consistent but not smothering. Make sure she knows that you're still interested. Make sure you take every opportunity you get to fill any EN's that you can, especially, in my case, conversation, affection, and admiration. I gave her space, waiting for her to take the first step, and in my case, passed up a month's worth of opportunities to fill EN's, while OM was given free reign to strengthen his position with her.

It sounds like you're doing pretty good to me. I would be very observant of how she reacts if you keep asking her out to do things. You don't want to inadvertently LB by appearing too demanding of her time. But if she's talking to you, take advantage and show genuine interest, caring, and concern for her life. Let her know that you're proud of any positive steps she's taken, and let the negative things slide. Let her know that you love her, without "confronting" her with feelings that she may not be comfortable with.

My wife actually told me at one point that she wished I'd stop saying "I Love You", because it felt to her that I was trying to make her say it back to me, and she just didn't feel that way.

hey, that's almost what I did. God, I feel good about myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When she was telling me about all the guys hitting on her and all that I said, "Well, yeah you are a beautiful woman and a good charmer". I probably should've reminded that yes in fact i hit on her too and that am still interested in hitting on her again.

can someone tell me how you can convince your WS to break the affair? I've read a bunch of posts, and "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and am just at a total loss. I do not bring up the issue (it's a LB, will be considered an attempt to control her, tell her what to do, etc.). Sometimes, it comes up in the conversations and I just tell her that I do not approve of it, never did and never will and that I feel betrayed, lost, confused, hurt, etc. She told me last night that she has not talked to OM for quite some time (it's an EA over the Internet). I am not sure if it's true or not as I stopped spying on her (I had SpyAgent installed on the computer) because 1) it hurts me too much to see what she's doing w/him and 2) she moved out and took the computer.

So, should I bring up the issue and try to explain to her why she needs to break it off w/him? After I exposed the A to all the family and friends she started talking about cancelling or postponing her trip to London (that's where he is and we are in AK, USA), even though according to her OM did not even know about her coming and she was not planning on meeting him (I think that's a lie).

UncomfortablyNumb, I hear you. You are in a tough situation. My WS was giving me the same stuff the day after I exposed the A. But, it looks like she may be warming up a little (she called me last night to find out when I needed her to watch our baby, but I think it was just an excuse. I think she really wanted to hear my voice and to share what happened in her day). I'll keep trying to get her to spend time w/me but I do know that I cannot be too aggressive or overbearing.

thanks everyone. your posts are making me feel good and are reassuring that there is still hope for us. I know it has only been 3 weeks for me, but it is devastating. I still love her to death in spite of all the things she has done/is doing to hurt me. I guess I just understand why she is doing what she is doing and am ignoring her attempts to make withdrawals from my Love Bank by trying to hurt me all the time.

I'll keep you posted as to what transpires. Can we keep this post alive?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by assap6:
<strong> can someone tell me how you can convince your WS to break the affair?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure.

You can't.

No more than you can convince a fish not to swim.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Remove the reasons they have for having an affair. That's all you can do after the affair has been exposed. Just as it was 100% her decision to have an affair, it has to be 100% her decision to end her involvement.

WAT

thanks, that's what I thought. some posts on MB have confused me as they say that you have to actively try and stop the A.

I think I've done as much as I can: exposed it to everyone, let everyone know how betrayed and hurt I feel, remind my WS of how I feel (only when she brings it up), sent a copy of my "exposing" email to OM with a P.S. telling him that I loved my wife and family and that I will wait as long as it takes for us to reconcile.

Am I missing something?

Are you missing something? Sorta....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by assap6:
<strong>I think I've done as much as I can </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not quite.....

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A!!!

Until you've exhausted your love bank, you haven't done as much as you can. Repetition and reinforcement are important in Plan A.

Also, demonstrate that you're a wonderful Dad.

Then, when your love bank is about drained, you implement Plan B. But you're a long way off from that.

WAT

WAT:

I meant have I done enough to attempt breaking the affair. Is there something else I can do to break off the A?

Someone told me to continue w/Plan A until my LB is drained and I am planning on doing just that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by assap6:
<strong> Is there something else I can do to break off the A? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, short of something illegal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But that wouldn't help your marriage nor your freedom.

WAT: LOL!

Agreed. Just keep doing what you're doing. You can't do anything more than that. Show her that you are the best choice in this whole thing. I think it's ok to remind her that her continued indecision hurts you, but only in a way that expresses your feelings, and says nothing about "what she has done wrong".