Hello, I just logged on to this forum. I have been reading Marriage builders for several months. I have found many stories and direction from the site, however I was looking for anyone who has lived it in detail so here goes.
3 months ago I discovered my W was telling me she was going out with her friend this happened +/- 3 times. I got suspicious when she told me she had a business meeting to attend on a friday night. Being in the same business I was aware that no such meeting was being held so I played along and did some research. What I found was that her Cell and our house phone bills showed numerous calls on her day off and on her way home were being placed to a worker at her building. When I called the number I got a voicemail it was another man. She arrived home early that night he never showed I found out later. When I confronted her of her wereabouts she lied then when I presented eviedence gave gave in. She then informed me she did not deserve me and that she did not love me like a W should love her H. I questioned what was going on with her. We were in the late stages of the adoption procedure and she asked to hold off on it for now. We were adopting because after several years of trying everything she was unable to have children, I was ok with that and told her I love her for her and if these were the cards we were delt if she was up to it I wanted to play, so she agreed to adopt. Now she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me! I asked if there is someone else she says no He was just a friend and someone she spoke to to get a mans perspective on what she was feeling ( I don't tottally buy it yet)
Over the recent months I have been watching the phone bills and ALL calls have stopped from her to him however there were two occassions he called her so I confronted him and asked him not to contact her or he can take all the problems with him also. She also has some childhood issues she is working through. Last month she was telling me she was moving out and that she needed space to sort things out. So the outraged H that I am I said if she did it would end that day. I told her if she wanted help I was here if she left I was not a second choice to anyone. She looked for an apartment for 2 months (this one is to small, that one expensive this one to long of a lease, excuse after excuse) She finally found a place and told me all about it. I told her I was not her brother and that I didn't care about her apartment I said if your leaving just go! She was packing for 4 weeks and 2 days before my deadline to move out she had everything lined up but did not sign the lease and told me she wanted to stay and go to counseling to work it out. I said fine but for her to find the counseler and make the appointment she did. For several weeks I watched my back and did research to make sure he was gone for good, but then I found a note in her work papers from someone that read "When can I see you, I love You 7 times" When I confronted her regarding the note she claimed she never saw it and that It wasn't from him because he is not the type to write notes but that she would handle it needless to say I was pissed and took it out on her. I then scheduled a solo vacation for one week on an island. She stayed alone at home. I only called once to say I was still alive and that I was having the time of my life. Which I was but no other woman. They were around me and talked to me (I am sort of attractive, but I behaved well, I am to moral even in these surcumstances to be foolish) When I returned home she was calm, I asked if she missed me she said she missed my company. Thats it. (Did I expect more yes I did) She goes on like nothing is wrong. She says she needs time to get her head screwed on straight and that I don't give her a chance. Truth be told I can be very compassionate and patient but with all this I can also be hurtful and relentless. She tells me I need to stop punishing her for her past mistakes and that nothing happened between her and the OM what does she have to do to prove it! I saw show me you want us to work by your action then. But I get nothing. I then discovered she has a calling card she has been using. When I confronted her I told her again to get out that it would be best if she left now and stop wasting my time. She claims that she uses it because I don't need to know how she calls, and that I am like the FBI always watching what she does. I responded that she needs to built trust in me and that she just screwed that up. Enough details you should get the picture.
She planned a vacation after Christmas in retaliation of my vacation. On christmas eve I was driving her car and her cell phone rang Quess who yes OM I met him once and had a conversation with him when this all went down originally so I told him he did not have to stop calling her, he insisted he was calling to wish her a merry X-mas and a safe trip. (She is not with him she is on vacation with my cousin, wife and kids) Well I got home I was not happy and again my serpant tounge went to work. I told her thats it she got her divorce. She begged and cryed telling me she had no control over him calling and that again there is nothing going on nor was there ever anything between them that he is a nice guy with problems of his own Marital, recovering from drugs / alcohol family issues etc. One thing is for sure he is not her type, and can't shine my shoes ( no offense to shoe shinners there great)
Next she is on vacation and I started reading His needs Her Needs and I am thinking maybe it's pretty common after 16 years together to go through this. Note that for the 16 years we have known each other and the 11 years of marriage I didn't see a problem until a couple of years ago after the infirtility issues that she did lose interest in sex. I thought it was a result of her inability and woman things so I reasured her that I love her and it was going to be ok. I do pamper her and she gets what she wants. That may explain why she is spoiled and gets her way often, not this time!
I am rambiling on She is currently on vacation now for 4 days and I miss her terribly WHY?
I sent her flowers today and told her I miss her. She sould be receiving them any hour now, there is a big time zone difference between us right now. What should I do will someone help?

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 07:28 AM: Message edited by: goodhusband1 ]</small>

Welcome to Marriage Builders goodhusband1. I hate to see you in this type of situation but nevertheless, you have found a great place for help, advice and support.

Please be sure to read ALL parts of this site starting with the General Welcome for New Builders.

Did your W ever make the appointment for counseling and are you both going?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways....


Originally posted by goodhusband1:
1. So the outraged H that I am I said if she did it would end that day.

2. I said if your leaving just go!

3. I was pissed and took it out on her.

4. I then scheduled a solo vacation for one week on an island.

5. She stayed alone at home.

6. I only called once to say I was still alive and that I was having the time of my life.

7. I can also be hurtful and relentless.

8. She tells me I need to stop punishing her for her past mistakes

9. When I confronted her I told her again to get out that it would be best if she left now and stop wasting my time.

10.my serpant tounge went to work.

11. I told her thats it she got her divorce.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What should I do will someone help?

Learn how to communicate in less hurtful ways. Do you know what LBing is? Love busting..... you're good at it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just reading what you wrote here so far.... I am wondering.... what behaviors (of yours) do you think are most likely to attract your wife towards a loving and safe relationship with you?

Might she be frightened of you???????

Pep

Avoid all love busters (Dr Harley's term for the habits that destroy romantic love) such as:

1. Angry Outbursts - Who wants to live with a time bomb?

2. Selfish Demands - Who wants to live with a dictator?

3. Disrespectful Judgements - Who wants to live with a critic?

4. Dishonesty - Who wants to live with a liar?

5. Independent Behavior - Who wants to live with a selfish jerk?

6. Annoying Habits - Who wants to live with a leaky faucet?

Can you see which love busters you've been guilty of?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nerlycrzy:
<strong> Welcome to Marriage Builders goodhusband1. I hate to see you in this type of situation but nevertheless, you have found a great place for help, advice and support.

Please be sure to read ALL parts of this site starting with the General Welcome for New Builders.

Did your W ever make the appointment for counseling and are you both going? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

"She did make the counseling apiontment and we went to the first one. Our next appt. is Jan 12 will see if she got anywhere.

As for Love Busting I realize that my behavior is destructive I was in a downward spiral. I have come to realize that I must change back to that person she did fall in love with. I am reading His Needs / Her Needs by myself now and I am understanding that a change is neccessary.

My previous outbursts were provoct by OM who has called her, and by her actions such as using a calling card from her cell phone.

I want to ask her to avoid her distructive actions regarding the phone cards and OM calling I feel it is her responsibility to tell OM to stop calling if indeed she wants to work it out with us. Am I asking to much ?

She is currently on vacation and I miss her dearly so on Monday I send flowers, she called me on Tuesday and gave me a tounge lashing for contacting her and was very upset about what happened before she went on vacation. I did tell her I was reading the book and that I was sorry for being destructive but that she needed to let me know if she wants to fix us or not, thats something I feel she is not on board with yet. Yes she did schedule counseling but I felt it was a step she is using to later be able to state she tried and it didn't work. Am I being to critical and Impatient ?

Originally posted by goodhusband1:
Am I being to critical and Impatient ?

I believe so, yes.

Originally posted by goodhusband1:
Our next appt. is Jan 12 will see if she got anywhere.

We'll also see if YOU got anywhere! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You have equally as much work to do in order to repair the damage done to this relationship.

Keep posting.... don't be afraid if we ride your butt a little bit.... we do it to help, not to harm.

Pep

Originally posted by goodhusband1:
I was sorry for being destructive but

Whenever you apologize for something you have done that might have wounded your wife....

~~~leave off the "BUT"~~~

It smacks of a lecture if there is a "but" attached to an "I'm sorry".

Pep

This is part of the deal....

Regardless of the horrific behavior that the OM is engaging is..
bottom line is the person he presents to your wife...is the best of the best..
all good qualities...
and when she then turns around and has an interaction that is all negative, namecalling and full of rage from you...it plays right in to their hands...

see how mean and controlling my husband is..
see how he treats and yells at me...
see how he is...he doesn't listen too me...just fights with me...

it is FAIR!!!!????????
NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT!!!! you can not control anyone else...
not her and her phone card use..
not him calling her...none of that is is your control...and it will never ever be...
so the only thing you control is you...
and plan a is negotiating the demise of the affair...

you are way way way too focused on him and her...you will waste time and energy..

most affairs die out on there own...
even when the BS does nothing....

so if you do something...and that something is making changes in you that move you towards becoming and being the type of husband you want to be...
the goal is to become more and more attractive in action to her than the OM>...
not some raging bull that "justifies" them......

and you speak your pain...but speak it logically and intelligently...so it defuses her ability to blame you for being with the OM...

wife...I want you to know that each and every phone call you make to the OM cuts me like a knife..and it hurts to know that our marriage has gotten to such a state that you would rather turn to him...and turn from me....

say that to her...instead of names and blame...how can she argue that...it is the truth...and it is the truth even about your anger....
you are angry because she is hurting you...
speak your pain not your anger...

ark

Thank You I respect your opinions and for riding me at this point. I would like to hear some suggestions regarding how I should approach her when she returns on tues 1-6-04 from vacation.
I am thinking I should appologize for my behaivor and let her know that I love her and want to work things out. How does anyone recomend doing this.

Should we set some rules such as:
1. Ask her to speak to OM regarding contacting her.
2. Should I ask her to put her wedding band back on to show commitment.
3. Ask her to list things that I do that upset her and list things that she would like to see improvement on (such as emotional needs etc.)

She keeps telling me she is confused and does not know what she wants!
I am looking for positive progress.

Ark
She claims that no affair exists and that he was just a friend that she turned to to get a males perspective on her feelings of love towards me. I don't buy into it and that is what causes the pain. Now I understand I need to get over the pain and progress. She is oviously very angery with me to the point she "hates me" as she stated. I would like nothing else then if she stops hurting me and works with me instead. She has changed her mind regarding moving out and I don't want to leave either. I think we are great together if we can learn how to respect and treat each other with mutual respect that all else will fall into place. How can we get there?

remove all focus from her...place it back on you.....

you should want her to wear her wedding band because it is what she believes in...and wants...
tell her...I look forward with great hope to the day you wear your ring again as a sign of your beleif in us....

YOU should only want that ring on her when it matches the belief YOU have in marriage...and in the two of you together....

again speak of your role in the pain contact with friend...how you want to be the one she turns to when she feels anything...not some outsider...

tell her she must stop contact..and you will be accused of controlling her...telling who she is allowed to be friends with...etc
when she sees the damage her actions cause in line with the pain it causes you...then it will become more her own guilt and realization that it is wrong....not because you told her to....

Originally posted by goodhusband1:

Should we set some rules such as:
1. Ask her to speak to OM regarding contacting her.
2. Should I ask her to put her wedding band back on to show commitment.
3. Ask her to list things that I do that upset her and list things that she would like to see improvement on (such as emotional needs etc.)



1. It hurts and frightens me so much, knowing you still choose to contact >OM's name<.
2. The day you put your wedding ring back on your beautiful finger will be a day that makes me very happy and proud.
3. How can I show you my love for you today, tomorrow, and always?

~~~~~~~

Make offers, not demands.

Keep talking.....

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
~~~leave off the "BUT"~~~

It smacks of a lecture if there is a "but" attached to an "I'm sorry".

Pep</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes ... anytime you use 'but' or 'however' this way, it erases everything that comes before it.

but...
if they can't hear you it is OK to say BUTT-head under your breath or too yourself...

in reference to the OP...as many times a day as it helps....
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

OK OK I promise I'll behave....

next year.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
promise...
ark

GH.... sorry for the hi-jack

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thank you all for your advice.

Now how should I approach the situation when she never brings it up for discussion and states that "I don't want to talk about it now" Should I ask her to set a date and time to discuss or wait till counseling to discuss anything ? As you may be able to tell I am impatient and want resolution quickly and swiftly I have been prewired for this. I would like nothing else than to get back to happier days, this holiday season is the worst I have experience in life. Thankfully we have been very fortunate in life to this point.
She is 35
I am 35
we have been together for 16 years
(5 dating, 11 married.)
infertility issues
adoption process when all this came out.
Alot of history. I'v been the protector all along this time.

Ark if your out there give me a shout.

I have been doing alot of thinking and reading the advice that has been given. I agree that I need to stop LBing and consintrating on the things I want to accomblish, like winning my wife heart. Her EA has taught me that I was not paying attention and that I was taking her for granted.
How can I get the ball rolling now that she is so mad at me for my previous outburst ?