I have posted a few times in what seems like decades ago.. However is only 5 or 6 months back.

In short, my story is: Married 7 years, to a person I loved deeply. He was/is very close to my daughter and she considers him to be like a father. WH was very close to my family, and considers my brother among his best friends. We look to both the outside (and to me) like the perfect couple. He was supportive, kind, loving...a far cry from my first marriage. However, February of last year, we had what I thought was a "slump"..try to encourage him to talk for a couple of months, planned a weekend away...finally jokingly ask him if he had an affair...And the story goes downhill from there.

I tried plan A for sometime. We went to Europe for three weeks, great sex, fun, dinners, and went to marriage counseling. However in August the affair simmered again (again I had to force him to be honest) and I ask him to leave. Since then my life has been rough. Initially I was suicidal and my family had me hospitalized for several days until I stablized. (Thank god I'm passed that). I have tried a whimpy plan B...no n/c letter. He has pursued me two times since he left...things appear to improving and then fall apart again.(My W/H eventually discloses both times the O/W re-appears in his life..whether by his doing or hers I am unsure. Of note, she is also married with 2 children and has not left her husband to be with mine.)

So where I am today...

He continues to tell me he loves me...but has fallen deeply in love with the O/W and though he knows he should come back because he misses my family, my daughter, our lifestyle (I am the primary bread winner - 90% me 10% him) and lastly on his list me...He can't because of his love for her. He also believes she is his soul-mate and they are destined for each other...somehow in his mind this has justified his actions because as he states "he does not believe in affairs" but this is different because of the "soul-mate" component.
I have given him "surviving an affair" with the thought this might bring him into reality...but to no avail... he will not pick it up.

So my question is...Should I simply give up.....and file for divorce. I am worn out emotionally....I still love him and believe I we could work this out over time.....but he remains too in love with the O/W...He tells me they aren't seeing each other...however, given history over the last 8/9 months..I find this difficult to believe...

Of note, I go to weekly counseling, and am also taking antidepressants to help me through this.
(My counselor believes my husband has shown no interest in our marriage and I should move forward with divorce.) I find myself questioning his advice???

Any thougths

Thanks SF

In true MB fashion...

1) Have you read SAA? Cover to cover? More than once? Well do it again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

2) Exposure, exposure, exposure. Besides the 3 of you (Youself, him, and OW), who else knows about their affair? Tell family, tell close friends, and most of all, tell the OW's husband!

3) Deeply in love...soul-mate...blah blah blah... As they say, it's all "fog-talk". If you haven't exposed the affair to anyone yet, well then that fog is even thicker. He's still getting to live in fantasy land where everyone loves him, his reputation is in tact, and he sees no repercussions for what he's doing.

4) Good idea that you suggested SAA for him, but don't push it. It's highly unlikely that he'll want to have anything to do with something that might tell him his immoral little fantasy relationship is anything but joyful fate.

5) I'm glad you've gotten past that suicidal time. I 'd guess that many of us here have had those thoughts, so you're not unusual there.

6) Should you give up? That's easy. Do you want to be married to you husband? Not the alien you see now who's wandering around foggy fantasy land, but your REAL husband? The man you fell in love with and married 7 years ago? If so, then you should NOT give up.

There's more to come from the more experienced folks here I'm sure. But I thought I'd get you started, and wish you the best of luck.

I would put yourself in a solid plan B before anything else. I don't have experience with plan B - but others here have and can give you the advice and support you need in that area. You must include with that a plan B letter and definitely share it here for feedback before giving it to your H.

Your H is displaying typical "Deep in pea-soup Fog" behaviour.
My H fell deeply in love with his soul-mate, the OW as well. In my case the affair started online and was LD - we are in Western Canada and she's in Minnesota so once the affair was exposed they couldn't go running to each other ...physically anyway. It took some time, but he realized he was just escaping from reality by having his affair. My H and I truly fell back in love with each other, but it took time, a lot of work and some setbacks.

My guess is that your H won't even pick up the book because it will put some reality in his face. He's found his soul-mate because it is all a fantasy now - the reality of day to day living and all those mundane daily challenges just don't apply to the situation with OW and your H. A big question to ask is that if they are truly soul-mates, why hasn't she left her own marriage and family?? Does her H and family know? (BTW I don't believe in the soul-mate thing. I believe we have different "soul-mates" in our lives on different levels but we don't have an ultimate, be-all, end-all soul-mate)

Do a solid plan B, make it clear to him, rebuild your own self-esteem and get yourself back on track before considering divorce.

Thanks for your response for those who responded.

The affair has been exposed, however only from his side. I do not believe her husband/friends know.

My family is in short horrified by his behavior..he was as much a part of my family as anyone of my siblings...His family (communication is not their strong suit)..however, only a couple of is siblings (out of 10) have expressed that he needs to come back home to his wife and daughter... but they pretty much stay out of his life...

I'm hurt, angry, sad, alone, and tired. I do want to stay married however it would be nice to see a hint that my commitment to this marriage is worth the pain.

I will give Plan B my best efforts... work on the letter over the next couple of days.. And pray my beautiful, and sensative husband comes out of the Fog and down to earth.

Sue