He seems distant, even mopey sometimes over the last few days. I guess that's my fault. I did a big NO NO!!!!
My anger got the best of me, I called her house. I told the woman to stop calling my husband's job, I didn't care what pretense she had. She says she calls to talk to "Earl"(a different coworker), not to talk to my husband. I really got mad then, and informed her that if her and "Earl" are such good friends, then why didn't she call him at home, instead of on the job? She said she doesn't have his home number. Then me, being the BI*** that I am, said... well, of course you wouldn't call his house, his wife is there, right? isn't that how you do things? behind wive's backs?
the OW then told me that she's met Earl's wife, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with her talking with Earl. I said, "well, maybe she wouldn't like you talking to her husband if she knew the truth, like the fact that you are fu***** every darn man out there that'll stand still long enough, and you're nothing but a WHORE."(that was the end of the conversation)

Honestly, I do know of 3 other married men at the job she has chased around until she was sleeping with them. My WH was far from the 1st she pursued on the job.

She then proceeded to call my husband, and tell him about the call. He of course didn't believe a lot of what she said, she had made up a lot of nonsense. for instance, that I called to make a date to sleep with her husband.. etc... that's just a sample of the crap she was slinging. He said to me: so, you say she's a whore, right? I said YEP, sure did! He said, so what does that make me? I told him , I guess you're nothing better than a whore too. I also told him that as far as I'm concerned, I have the right to say or do anything I damn well please.

My WH just says what do I have to do? What's going to make you realize that you're the one I love, that was just something that happened. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. I am so ashamed of myself, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you.

Now what?? someone tell me...PLEASE
The last few days I've been lower than low, I feel desperate for some emotional relief. This is killing me inside. PLEASE HELP

Amous,

I haven't read any of your previous posts, so you may have already been told some of this.

Read everything on this website. Vent here, not at your husband. Your anger is normal; however what you are doing is LBing to your husband which isn't productive.

I was so like you right after d-day. I hated the out-of-control feelings that were relentless.

Maybe it did you some good to vent at the OW; but it's not healthy for you, your husband, and your marriage for you to continue to focus on her.

Remember the saying "The best revenge is living well"!

Also I don't know if your husband and OW still work together and see each other. That would be an impossible situation for me.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? I also think that His Needs, Her Needs is excellent especially with the intensity of your emotion. Keep posting, vent here - and try to get yourself under control. You'll feel so much better when you do.

You have much to be grateful for...have you read posts from BSs whose WS feels no remorse? Also be thankful you found out about the affair. It's probably too soon for you to think I'm making any sense with this - but give it time

Blessings, CSue

Amouse,

Ok...I went to your other thread and read all of it. Here's what I want you to do. Get to work on recovery of your marriage. There are "lessons from the affair" that you shouldn't miss the opportunity to learn. That's the reason recovery should never be "swept under the rug".

Download the emotional needs questionnair & love busters questionnaire - copies of each for both of you. Get to work answer the questions and review them with each other. This will be very emotional - so be patient and take your time.

If you take your intensity and put it to good use you'll feel more in control, I promise.

I can see why you feel so hugely betrayed. Your cousin??? I'd be sooooo angry too.

Another good book is by Shirley Glass, "Not Just Friends". It explains in great detail just how common infidelity is. Amazing to me.

Your husband will learn so much, but not until you can calm yourself down and be "safe" for him to be with. Blessings, CSue

The OW no longer works at the same place. She was fired when she exposed the affair to her supervisor. (When my WH ended the A, she was upset at work the next day, boss asked why, she explained that my WH wouldn't talk to her, or return any messages to her....etc.. and her employment was immediately terminated, since this was her 4th of the same offense on plant)
My WH has given his cell phone to D, because OW wouldn't stop calling.

He does act as if he's keeping no contact with her at all, but sometimes my mind just runs amuck.
OWH has called me, and spoken to me, which made my WH extrememly angry, and caused a huge blowup between us. OWH also expressed that there has been no contact, but OW is having a hard time, since she's so in love with my WH. OWH and OW, according to OWH, are trying hard to work through this and save their marriage. He knows nothing of the other men. OW calls my Wh job, and leaves messages for him that OWH left her, and filed for divorce, now she's all alone and needs someone to talk to... can't we continue the A, I promise to be more discrete, Melinda will never know... etc...(her name is also Melinda, and she happens to be my 26yr old cousin)
OW is in love with my WH, but he keeps pledging for everything he's worth that he is NOT and never was in love with her. It was a friendship that went too far. Nothing more, nothing less. She needed someone to talk to about her problems, and he felt sorry for her and fell into it. It seemed so easy, and noone would get hurt. Wh says what attracted him to her was she is so much like me. None of this makes the situation any easier for me.
I have read the books, I think I will read them over and over until I start to feel better, which at this point, will take years....

I wish I knew what to say, or do to give me some immediate relief.. I want her to stop contacting my husband. He refuses to send a NC letter, he said it's over, and sending a letter would be contact and he's not doing it.

Amouse, have you seen the NC letter in SAA? It's perfect - with no words to be changed.

Another thought is that I did counseling with the Harleys for several months. From the very first moment I was on the phone with Steve Harley - I got relief from the incredible pain. I strongly recommend it. Recovery would have been much longer with much more pain had I not phone counseled with him.

He will tell you what to do precisely. He'll also want to talk with your husband if he's willing. Please consider it. CSue

Thanks CSue,
I'm not sure if WH will do the phone call or not. He even says we don't need MC, we have no problems, he just made a mistake, and he'll find a way to make it right.
I am currently seeing a Counselor, trying to get some insite to my own issues dealing with this.
I have told my husband that I can forgive him, but I don't know if I can ever forget it. This just hurts so darn bad.
My Counselor says I need to stop blaming myself, and put the blame where it belongs. I feel there must be something I have done wrong, somewhere I have failed. Something I need to do in the future. I'm not perfect, I'll admit that for sure. Everyone, and I mean everyone always thinks we're the perfect couple, the great marriage to strive for... well, undoubtedly not.
I think he has too much pressure with money concerns. I no longer work outside the home, per his request, but the A began within 2 months of my not working. That was also the exact time our son left home for the army. my Wh says she just pushed his ego buttons, and he was stupid.
He doesn't want me working anymore so we can enjoy our vacation place, and when we both work it's near impossible to get time away. Even while the A was going on(for 2 weeks) you couldn't ask for a more attentive husband. I think that's what partially kills me inside, I didn't know. I knew she called him, and I talked to him about it, saying that made me feel uncomfortable. He'd say, heck, that's your cousin and she just needs someone to talk to, nothing more than that. The calls went on for 2 months, getting more and more frequent. We try to get away from it all at least once a month, and when we were gone, she would call and call. He would even hand the cell phone to me, saying here, you talk to her.
He says the reason he would hand me that phone is so I would put a stop to it, and I failed to do it. I kept living in my little fantasy, everything was wonderful. One thing that helps me is I have the cell bills, I know the whole time he called her 5 times, that's it.. and each one was to return a missed call.

That's the reason I don't want her contacting him. She has talked him into it before, and I'm afraid she will try again.

Oh my God, she just called me, said look, I know everything that happened was me, not Charles. I am leaving him alone, he wants no more to do with me, he has made that perfectly clear. I just wanted you to know that, have a nice life. I am so sorry I have caused your family this pain.

Well, do you think I can trust that?

Amous, I can only imagine how angry you are. It probably did feel good lashing out at the OW, but she is really not worth it. If your H is giving you his all to make it work, don't turn your anger on him. That's what I have to deal with everyday. I was the WS and since D day I have given it my all to make it work with my BS. It's been very difficult the OM wouldn't stop calling me. He was my manager so obviously I quit work and started a new job. He had the nerve to start working for the same company I switched to. He finally resigned yesterday. Finally I don't have to worry about seeing him and his phone calls. I tried to make it all end nicely, but I ended up having to be very mean and cold.

If the other woman is still calling your H, you do need to find out a way to make it stop in a healthy manner. He's acting mopey because of the guilt of what he has done to you and if she is still talking to him what she is making him feel like he has done to her.

Your obviously the one he loves and wants to be with or he wouldn't be with you willing to work things out.

OW filed a harassment order on me. That stopped me. A harassment order is a civil matter. I would have had a criminal complaint had I continued.

Your H is remorseful and doesn't seem to want more contact with OW. This makes him an ally, not an enemy. Approach him about how to make it work for both of you so that she doesn't contact him.

If a NC letter doesn't work, then he can send a certified letter saying any further contact will result in a harassment order. Then he can file a harassment order. If that doesn't work, there is a criminal complaint.

You need to focus on him, not OW. The OW actually did me a favor by forcing me to focus on my H.

Funny thing is that she saw it as an opportunity to continue the A without the possibility of harassment from me. She called him after the harassment order, and he was kind to her but told her he needed to move on with his life and wanted her to move on with hers. He didn't think a NC letter was necessary. Well, last week she left him a voice message and now he wants to send a NC letter.

I am just now, after 19 months, beginning to see him as an ally.

Thanks Chris,
I need to stop the anger towards him. I know, but it's difficult. I've got quite a way to go.
Hopefully, her contacting him is over, I can pray for it at least.
Thanks everyone, you have helped me more than you'll ever know. It's wonderful to have someone to talk with about this. I feel so alone most of the time.
Melinda

Amous,

Can you trust the OW not to recontact? I don't think so - there's a bit of an addicted quality to her by the sound of it. The key like I said on your other thread is for your H to tell you right away. Also if she does contact he needs to tell her that he is going to tell you about it. They don't get to have any more secrets.

You and your H are a couple and you will walk arm in arm together dealing with this other person. She's on the outside of your relationship from now on. She's not entitled to any consideration from either of you. CSue