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Joined: Dec 2003
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After almost 9 years, my marriage is over! He is in love with the OW. He said this to my face. The tears were roling down my face and he still said these horrible words to me. Was he trying to hurt me? Or do you think that he really loves her. I gave him two beautiful children, and he still did this to me. I miss him so much. The only time we talk is when he calls here and starts screaming at me because there are people at my house. What should he care? He is living with her. Why should it matter to him what I am doing? Or who I am with. I am not doing anything wrong, he is. Why did this have to happen. I feel that every word for the past 9 years was a lie, all the times he told me that he loved me and would never hurt me. All the times he told me that he was nothing without me. All are lies. Where do I go?
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Originally posted by goodgirl54843: After almost 9 years, my marriage is over!
Well, it's not until you are divorced.
He is in love with the OW. He said this to my face.
He is in love with a child. You said she is 19 on another forum. He is lost as a man. He is speaking what we refer to here on MB as .... fog-talk.... which is jibberish. It's best to think of him as intoxicated.... because what he says makes about as much sense as what a drunk says.
The tears were roling down my face and he still said these horrible words to me. Was he trying to hurt me? Or do you think that he really loves her.
I think he was trying to convince HIMSELF that what he is doing is okay because he "loves" OW.... they ALL say this. Along with---> "I love you but I'm not in love with you.....I don't think I ever really loved you." <--- fog-jibberish.... ignore.
They cannot look at reality and the fact that it is adultery.... and a sin .... and that a beautiful love is not born of lies, cheating and deceit.
I gave him two beautiful children, and he still did this to me. I miss him so much.
Take care of yourself and your children right now. Crying and carrying on in front of him and OW will only convince them that they are made for each other. Remain calm. If you cannot, go to your MD and ask for medication to help you. Be 100% honest with your MD.... and get help.
The only time we talk is when he calls here and starts screaming at me because there are people at my house. What should he care? He is living with her. Why should it matter to him what I am doing?
Because he is still married to you, but living make-believe in love with someone else.
Or who I am with. I am not doing anything wrong, he is. Why did this have to happen.
Have you read any books about affairs yet. This website, although helpful, is NOT enough to help you through this crisis. Get yourself educated about affairs.
I feel that every word for the past 9 years was a lie, all the times he told me that he loved me and would never hurt me.
Every betrayed spouse feels this way at first. But this is simply not true. it takes time to work through this. READ READ READ .... Surviving an Affair..... Torn Asunder..... both good books, as is Love Must Be Tough.
All the times he told me that he was nothing without me.
Someone who says they are nothing without you is not a strong person.... even if they say it to their spouse.... and this very weakness may have led him to an affair.... looking for his identity.... and thinking his identity can be provided by another woman.
All are lies. Where do I go?
Your 2 kids are NOT lies!~!~!~!
Go to the bookstore or library.... or Amazon and get some books.
Have you exposed the affair to your parents, his parents, his friends??? This affair needs to be exposed.
Read the books.... right away.
All is not lost.
This affair will not last a lifetime.
Your H is running away, and he is not a happy man with himself. He's going to try and provoke you into doing something stupid to justify his affair, don't fall for it.
Remain calm..... READ UP!!!!
Pep <small>[ December 30, 2003, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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You seem very wise. I am now working on making myself better. I made an appointment today to see a councelor. I know that he can't be completely happy with this "CHILD". Someday he will come back, and I will be ready when that happens. I feel like I need to make myself successful and interesting for him to notice me again, and that's what I am going to do. It may hurt realy bad, and it may be the hardest thing that i have ever done, but I will not let him see me cry. I will let him think that I can do this, make him wonder what I am doing. Do you think that this will work?
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Only if you do it for yourself, first and foremost.
It's not healthy to change just to impress someone else, to make an impression, to "win them back". If you're not happy with who you've been or who you are, then recognize that, and take whatever steps you can to BE happy with yourself.
If he notices and wants you back, good for him. If you still want him back when and if he happnes to notice, good for you. But you cannot do any of this JUST because you want to win him back.
Would you really be happy with yourself if you looked in the mirror one day, after your husband had come back, and what you saw was a person who had compromised everything she believed in, everything she was, JUST to get him back?
Change is good, but change for the right reasons. Change because it's what you want to do. Change because it's who you want to become. But never, EVER, ignore your own boundaires, morals, or beliefs JUST to "win". The price you'd pay isn't worth it.
The views expressed by me are simply my own opinions. Hopefully they are helpful, but I offer no guarantee that anyone else will agree with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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You are right. I need to change me for me. If he really loves me then he will accept me for the person that I am. RIGHT? I know there a lot of things that I want to change about myself. I have written them down and look at them daily. I also look at the two beautiful faces of my children, and that gives me more encouragement. I will do what ever it takes to make them happy. I know that in the past few days, since I have started posting on this site, I feel better able to take care of my kids. I feel like I don't have to walk around with all these thoughts and feelings. I can come here and write them down. I get feedback and support. I am going to start on Plan A. I need to move forward. For myself, and my kids.
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Excellent! That's a much healthier attitude! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
Figure out what you might be able to do for your H to rebuild love between you (deposits in the old Love Bank). Then determine if those are things that you are willing and able to do. If so, then wrok on them.
For example, don't agree to sell your kids to a traveling circus, just because your H calls it an Emotional Need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But DO have more frequent and/or passionate SF if that's an EN AND is a change that you are comfortable with.
Become a person that you can still love. Become a person that you will love even more. Let your H worry about what good those changes do. As I've been told by many people here, you cannot control what he does, thinks, or feels. So you cannot control how he reacts to your growth. And thus, you cannot hang all of your self-worth on HIS reaction, only on how YOU feel about it.
In my opinion, if you make changes in yourself and your life that you consider to be healthy and positive and he still doesn't come around, then he's not worthy of your love anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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I know that if I change he will come back. But looking at the situation from a distance, I wonder what was I thinking. I pushed him away, right into her arms. So if he want to be with her, then so be it. I can't cry anymore. There are no tears left. I need to move on for my kids sake and my own. I hope I am doing the right thing though. I know that the road ahead of me is going to be hard and lonely, but I think I can do it. Wish me luck
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