My FWH had 2 PAs and 1 EA (that he wanted to become PA) in the past twelve years.

I asked my H to tell me about other women he has been attracted to during our marriage and how he handled it. He said there weren't any. I asked him to tell me about any other opportunities he had for affairs (including ONS) and how he stopped himself. He said there weren't any other opportunities. So, he has confirmed that since we have been married he has taken every opportunity presented to him to become involved sexually with another woman.

He also told me that his decision to have affairs had nothing to do with unmet ENs in our marriage. He said he was attracted to these women, he had the opportunity for SF, and he didn't want to turn them down. He said it was "fun" having affairs with these women. The OW were something new and different. He said he never considered the consequences -- just thought I would never know and wasn't hurting me.

He talks about having sex with these OW like it is the same as him playing golf, going hunting or fishing, etc., -- like it was just another recreational activity. (Except he had to lie to me about where he was going.) He said he didn't love them, even though he told them he did. One PA lasted a few months and the other PA lasted over five years. The EA was stopped (after I found out) before it became PA. Both PAs were ended by OW -- not my H.

When I believed his As were due to problems in the marriage including unmet ENs, I thought I had some control over our future together. Now that he has told me the As weren't about me or anything I did or didn't do, I have less hope. He admits he is selfish and irresponsible. I see him as someone who never grew up and views the world as his playground. I get upset at my H because he gets angry at our teenaged son for wanting to have fun instead of being more responsible. How can someone be so hypocritical?

I don't know what to do anymore. It seems the more we talk and learn about my H and his As, the more we grow apart. It is incredible to me that I could have lived with him so many years and not known what he was capable of doing. I seem to like him less and less with each passing day.

Does anyone else have similar circumstances? How do you accept this stranger back in your life? I am fearful that my H will not say "no" to any future opportunities for A and I never want to go through this again.

This is my 2¢'s

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Toofargone:
<strong>He also told me that his decision to have affairs had nothing to do with unmet ENs in our marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
He is telling you the truth. He is ignorant about your feeling and emotion. This is one of the 3 most commons thing that lead to A: Unmet ENs, ignorant, fails to put up guard on ENs. As much hurt FWH's word are, he is telling you the truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The EA was stopped (after I found out) before it became PA. Both PAs were ended by OW -- not my H.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How is your "recovery" going ?. Don't kid yourself that you are in recovery ... it isn't. You have a long way to go plan A and possibly plan B to make him comit to M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Now that he has told me the As weren't about me or anything I did or didn't do, I have less hope. He admits he is selfish and irresponsible. I see him as someone who never grew up and views the world as his playground.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did he show remorse and willing to ammends you ?. No disrepect to your H, but he has a character flaw that he needs to fix it. If he is a christian, ask him to EveryMan's battle (porn & addiction) workshop.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I don't know what to do anymore. It seems the more we talk and learn about my H and his As, the more we grow apart. It is incredible to me that I could have lived with him so many years and not known what he was capable of doing. I seem to like him less and less with each passing day. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are actually ripe for plan B but I can't say for certain. I don't follows your threads. You have to put details about your plan A actions and see if you finish w/ flying color. Get help from Harley or Penny to help you to review your situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How do you accept this stranger back in your life? I am fearful that my H will not say "no" to any future opportunities for A and I never want to go through this again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should not take him to begin with w/o ammends ... which at the minimum should include:
1. Expressing regret
2. Willing to ammend you
3. Whatever it takes to work on M
Now you have him back, you have to be in plan A.

He needs to make you feel secure about it.

To answer your thread's title ... when you are in M, you are "one flesh" - mind, body and soul. There is no room for fun by one spouse alone, you have to share it w/ the other spouse.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does anyone else have similar circumstances?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eh, yes and no here. Mainly, the fact that my W has shown through her words and her actions that she see's nothing wrong with what she's done and is still doing, sounds a lot like your H.

The closest she's come to expresing any kind of remorse or regret or guilt is saying "I didn't want to hurt you, but..." She seems to believe that it's okay to do whatever she wants, no matter how it affects other people. She'd rather nobody else get hurt in the process, but would not risk missing out on the fun just to avoid that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you accept this stranger back in your life?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I knew. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am fearful that my H will not say "no" to any future opportunities for A and I never want to go through this again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel exactly the same about my W. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Uncomfortably Numb:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you accept this stranger back in your life?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I knew. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't accept them back ... they are still WS. They have to earn their way to be come SO. Meanwhile you either in plan A or plan B ... no plan at all definitely bring Dv sooner or later.

-rh-

Dear TFG:

now I can make good on my promise to write to you. Reading your post about your H's attitudes has worried me. I agree with redhat that it may be very difficult to have your H change.

The point I wanted to contribute is this: some people have a high tendency to live an independent life. They are selfish, don't care for their spouse, fail to protect their spouse because of these overwhelming egoistic tendencies.

Their "taker" overrules everything else. You seem to be on the right way to realize what your H' personality is all about. Probably you saw it for a long time but you were not ready to acknowledge it in your heart.

Their are those As when good people do one bad thing in their lives - and then there are those A's that are an expression of a selfish uncaring character. To forgive an A that happened to a kind good person during a deep personal crisis (like it happened with my H) is so much easier. Especially when you see his remorse and the enormous changes he made in himself since d-day. On the other hand if the A leads you to realize your partners true dark side and there seems to be a pattern of selfishness and not much remorse... then you can only take these new realizations to protect yourself from future pain.

It could be possible for your H to finally "get it" and change his personality, maybe with counseling to find out why he has become this kind of person. But be careful, TFG, there is a pattern to his actions and a lot of disregard for your feelings.

I wish you well and I hope that there will be a way to "shake him up".