Hi,

This is my first time posting anything. I have been reading a lot of posts and read through much of the material on affairs. I still at an impass though.

Here's my story:

I was 16 when I met my husband and we were married when I turned 18. He is 6 years older than me and this is his second marriage.

For many years we were happy, actually we still are. But, I started to drift away from him about 8 years into our marriage and I thought maybe that was just how marriage is after so many years and two kids.

A year ago I started having feelings for a man I had met and that shared many common interests as myself. He was very outgoing whereas my husband is very unmotivated. I never intended for my feelings for this man to move into the realm of an affair but unfortunately I let them do just that.

I hated myself for it and told him we could not see each other again. I never told my husband about the affair but we did go to a marriage counselor because I expressed to him that we needed to work on our relationship.

I thought I could stay away from this other man but it happened that we kept in contact with each other via e-mail and when things in my marriage were down he was there to talk to. Big mistake.

Because I have let myself keep contact with the other man and I recently considered a separation from my husband, trying to figure out why I have feelings for another man and to see if I still love my husband. BUT, I realize this is not how to fix my marriage.

So, now that I told my husband how I am feeling (detached from him) it remains that I have not told him of the affair.

I am very affraid to tell him because he broke down when I told him that I thought a separation may help our marriage (gain perspective). He was cheated on in the past by his first wife and has never gotten over it.

I have severed all ties with the other man and can only see my life with my husband but everything on this site says I should tell him about the affiar. I am affraid that he will not be able to forgive me and work on our marriage and that he will never get over it even if we stay married. He is a very insecure person and relies on me for his happiness (he has stated so himself). He doesn't have any friends outside of work and his twin brother just moved out of state so he really has nobody to talk to except me.

I don't want to have a marriage where I feel I have not been honest with my husband but I don't want to hurt him when I know that the affair is totally over and that telling him would only cause more stress and pain and in his life.

I don't know what to do, and if I do tell him how and where is the appropriate time? I am commited to making this marriage work. I just need some additional guidance.

Any advise is much appreciated.

db

It will be tough but expect everyone to tell you to be honest with him.

You don't love and respect by continuing to live a lie.

Yes you risk the marriage but you have taken that risk by having an affair. And you will put the marriage at risk down the road by hiding this not just from him but yourself as well.

Thank you for your thoughts and I know you are right. He deserves the truth from me; then I guess I surrender my heart to him and hope he can forgive me. Any thoughts on how to tell him or where? I don't want to do it with the kids home. I thought about getting a sitter and taking him for a drive where we can just be alone...

dbgirl, yes, you have to tell him. He has an absolute right to know what has happened in his life. To not tell him is cruel and manipulative and he doesn't deserve that. Before you do it, come here and let us help you break the news in the best way.

You should be prepared to answer lots of questions if he decides to stay with you. He has a right to have all of his questions answered openly and honestly. Your response and willingness to this will go a very long way in rebuilding trust.

I do applaud you on doing the right thing. I know that its hard but it is the right thing to do.

Thank you Melody. I plan to tell him this weekend so I have a couple of days to prepare myself for his possible reactions.

dbgirl, I'll join the chorus and agree that it's very important that you tell your husband what's going on. He needs to be able to make choices while fully informed.

I would suggest that you buy the book "Surviving an Affair" and read it cover to cover and back again. It will help you and your husband understand what you've been through, and it will also help you take the steps necessary to rebuild your marriage.

There is only one good way through this, dbgirl. You've already taken one of two extremely imprtant steps: You've ended all contact with your affair partner. The second important step is the honesty with your husband.

And after those two huge, giant leaps, there are hundreds of days of small steps to follow. When a marriage is for a lifetime, each day must include steps to getting you there.

Welcome to MB, dbgirl. I hope it helps your marriage more than you ever thought possible.

Dear MB,

I just wanted to post an update. I did tell my husband about the affair on Friday. He is very hurt and confused about why it happened. I told him I am committed to this marriage and to him. He wants to work it out and is trying very hard with his emotions. The only thing I am having trouble with is the withdrawl from the OM. I know it is selfish of me but I did have feelings for him as this was more of an emotional affair than anything. How do I get past this withdrawl period without giving in?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dbgirl:
<strong> The only thing I am having trouble with is the withdrawl from the OM. I know it is selfish of me but I did have feelings for him as this was more of an emotional affair than anything. How do I get past this withdrawl period without giving in? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm...

Turn to your H for support? That's what I'd want from my W. It would be hard on him, but no harder than the troubled M or the revealing of the A. At least this would allow him to be there for you, to know how you're feeling, and to reinforce the atmosphere of honesty between you. Also, it might open a dialogue between the two of you about your EN's. Allowing him to ask why you're feeling that way, what you miss about him, and giving him the opportunity to take steps to improve your relationship together.

I don't know if that's the MB way or not, but it's what I'd prefer.