how do i tell the kids. iam going to take them out this weekend. the ages 15d,9d,5s. how do i tell them i know wife will get mad but i think they sould. wife will not be there she will be with other om. read my post on the just fonud out board. wife is haveing a affair with co worker iam hurt. i do not live with wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi, eemd,

Why do you think your children should know?
How much do you plan to tell them, and why?

Maybe your motivation for telling them is to get some sympathy, to rally the troops to your side, and to get a little revenge. Think about this carefully.

Why do you think your children should know?
Because the children should always be told if it continues.
They need to know why mom is acting the way she is.

How much do you plan to tell them, and why?
Age appropriate of course.
They should know that you don’t get to have a boyfriend/girlfriend when you are married. The marriage and the family are what is important.

[Maybe your motivation for telling them is to get some sympathy, to rally the troops to your side, and to get a little revenge.
Maybe it is.
But they should be told. And you should do it matter of factly, meaning don’t cut her down to them.
It’s okay to tell them what she is doing is wrong and it’s not okay to date while married, but not to call her names.
Just say she is making a bad choice.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

its not to get revenge.my kids are seeing there mom come home late every day from work. when this some she would not do i would be only telling my 15 year old d. they see things diffrent now i could to see them to day and they had no food just think if i didnt go there they would of been wait for there mom to get home and who knows how late that would have been. will i be lb when i tell my kids. i will tell them not when mom is not there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

my kids are seeing there mom come home late every day from work.
Why are you allowing your children to live with her and let them think that it is okay to have a boyfriend when married?

the kids do not know about the om. and they live with her because they go to school where she lives and the schools there are very good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> but i will be telling the kids today.

So why don’t you move?
Why aren’t the kids living with you?

me and my 15year old talk saturday. i told her about her mothers affair. and this is what she told me. she told me that her and mom was out and her mom seen the om and told her he was just a friend from work. my d told me that she seen something was not right. she says her mom got a lamp for a give from the om and her mom tells her the om is going to buy her mom a car. she tells my d he is just friend. he does not come to their place. my d says she is hurt that her mother would do this to our family and she wants her daddy to come home and be a family. but her mom does not want that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

So why aren’t the kids living with you?

the kids are not living with me beacuse the school they go to are better then where i live. and iam living with my parents . iam look to buy a house soon.

my wife found out i told my 15d and she was mad because my daugther ask her. and she is mad at me and told me that she want to get a divorce. she told my daugther iam not a good father and so on to make her look like she the good one. what shall i do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

also we had we were arguing big lb sould i apologize to her for doing this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

my wife found out i told my 15d and she was mad because my daugther ask her. and she is mad at me and told me that she want to get a divorce. she told my daugther iam not a good father and so on to make her look like she the good one. what shall i do.
Youshould do everything possible to get your own place (buying a house right now does not seem like a good idea either) and get the kids with you.

we had we were arguing big lb sould i apologize to her for doing this.
Absolutely! And make sure it doesn’t happen again.

wife is mad at me beause i told everone that i know about the a she telling me that iam acting like a kid. know why would i be acting like a kid to save my family. is that fog talk. she is argueing with me all the time.

eemd...

you need a plan..
you need to stop all aspects of chaos on your side...

you need to STOP argueing with her on anything...

You need to become as stable and as attractive emotionally as you can...

each interaction in which you engage back in with her in argueing and powerstruggling makes the OM look more appealing and feeds her irrational justification of her own actions...

I told people about the affair because living in lies is wrong

I told people about the affairs because I am very hurt and need some support.
period.

IF your wife is not home when she should be...then you go home to those kids and be with them untill she returns each and every day if your have to...

you MUST step in and offer them security no matter what your wife does...
you can not control her..
her make her do anything....

Let her do her thing...YOU take care of the children...they need you..

be calm and serene when she comes back...
begin to meet what and any needs she will let you no matter what..

you are way way way to focused on her and her bad behavior...and need to pull in the reigns...

what you want is to make every interaction each encounter a pleasant as you can...
each powerstuggle just fuels the fire of nonsense banter and blame...and takes away the calm needed for her to see the error of her own ways...

and the reality of her actions...
as long as you give her reasons no matter how ludacrious to blame you....she doesn't have to look at herself...

become a steady support and rock for the children
speak quietly and calmly
end each and every conversation in which she tries to get you to rise to the bait...with
I'm sorry I have to go now...

you are floundering out there...
and need to get yourself together...
I know it hurts..and is turmoil..but slow down and take the time needed...

keep your eye on becoming the husband and father you envision being...and move towards becoming him...
REGARDLESS of her actions...

ark

thanks ark. i dont live with her. and that is her that is her place when i go there and she is not there she tells the kids not to open the door for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

thanks ark </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is a way to end an affair at work....it's called "exposure". Work related affairs have legal ramifications. Write to her boss and his boss (if they aren't the same) and expose this work related affair that puts the company at risk for litigation....inject some conflict and don't chicken out. Could she lose her job? You bet. But that is not your fault. Will she be angry? Of course she will....but that's not a good enough reason to let this continue when the future of three children hang in the balance.
ark. someone told me to do this to end the affair with coworker do you think this would be right. i know this will make her mad. she always talks about divorce.