In Sept I accidentally discovered that my husband was having an online relationship with another woman. From what I gathered, it seemed to be in the early stages (but there were 'I love yous' said back & forth) and I knew they'd only been emailing for about a week when I found out. My husband was very apologetic & ended the relationship (supposedly). I thought we could work it out on our own & he swore up & down that he hadn't heard any more from her, etc.

Well, it turns out they re-established contact (which I found out about at the end of October). This included emailing & talking on the phone. Obviously I was upset, threatened to kick him out, then decided we needed counseling.

Here's the problem. We've been going to counseling for about 8 weeks. When we started, I was concerned about 2 things: 1) that I wanted to be assured that this other relationship was ended and 2) that I wanted him to be honest w/me (re-establish trust). Well all that gets discussed in counseling is ME. She's given me some suggestions that I think will help improve my well being as well as my relationship with my husband and I am very willing to make the changes. However, I'm starting to feel like the counselor is biased towards my husband. So far the only change (and I'm not kidding here) is that my husband agreed to drive within 5 mph of the speed limit when I'm in the car with him. We haven't discussed anything about his online relationship, his lying or any changes he should be making. I tried setting up individual meetings to meet with the counselor to handle my issues seperately from our couple issues. But I think she is just incorporating them into our group counseling sessions as we each had 1 appointment w/her privately and the rest have been together. I've brought up my concerns at least 4 times at sessions and she basically agrees that we haven't talked about my husband's problems and that sometimes things are more centered on 1 person than the other.

Nearly every week I spend the next 2 days in tears, very upset over what she has said that week. (By in tears, I mean crying to the point of hyperventilating & making myself and my entire family miserable) This week I said that my husband watches TV 24/7 and I feel like I can't talk to him. I said that sometimes when I talk to him (while he watches TV) he doesn't listen to me. Her response was that I should either keep a list of things I want to tell him and talk to him during our designated "couple time" (which doesn't exist) or ask permission to interupt him. I can understand this if I wanted to talk about something serious and he was watching something he was really interested in. But I'm refering to the small talk people make when they watch TV together. I think it's bizarre that I'm not supposed to talk to him at all when he watches TV.

So the question I have is that I'm not sure what to do next. There are 4 or 5 people that are covered by our insurance (including her). 1 is a Psychologist, 2 are Social workers (including ours, who does this in the eves. as a 2nd job) and the other 2 are professional counselors. Should I switch counselors? I don't know any of the other people on the list & don't know if I should "steer clear" of the "professional counselor" title. I also could go to a husband-wife team that counsels couples that was referred to us by a friend. However, they are not covered under my insurance plan, so I'd have to pay out of pocket for that.

My husband said he will go to someone else if I want to, but he's reluctant. Of course he likes our current counselor because she's biased towards him. He also is not thrilled at the prospect of paying out of pocket for counseling. But I feel that if our #2 counselor doesn't work out either that he won't go to a 3rd.

Also, I forgot to mention that several years ago we went to marriage counseling through someone completely different (not covered under our current insurance either). Our experience that time was a lot different. We were trying to communicate better & each week we both got different things to work on. While I sometimes got teary-eyed during the counseling sessions, I never spent time outside the sessions crying & upset. Overall we felt really positive about the experience.

Any suggestions???

-Cheryl

CherylB,

It sure is turmoil isn't it?

I don't know your counsellor, but I've had some experience with them in the past. The first thing I would do if I were you is ask myself very seriously if the counsellor had a point. If after careful reflection I'd determined that I couldn't agree with the way she'd handled things I'd call her on it directly. Voice your feelings that she is biased and ask her outright why you might feel that way. If the answer does not satisfy you, perhaps it is time to seek another counselor. If it were me, I'd take a careful look within first, then explore outwardly.

As for the TV thing, I'd say you should definately keep away. It could be that it is a trigger now.... something small and under normal circumstances not a big thing, but associated with emotions and reactions, it becomes a big thing.

My trigger is waking up alone. I used to be ok with it, in fact never thought about it at all until the affair started. But after the affair started, if I opened my eyes and she wasn't in bed with me, the panic would kick in right away... even if she was in the bathroom, I'd be compelled to go and search her out. Naturally this led to a lot of intrusion while she was messing around and that caused stress, but I digress.

Think of the TV as his escape and even a short insignificant question might be enough of an interuption to annoy him even though under normal circumstances it never would have bothered him.

Just a few views to ponder....

dewt

Get rid of this counselor. She is discounting your feelings. You say your H watches tv 24/7 and she says to ask permission to interupt to talk to him? She needs to be gone.

Even if your insurance pays for this "counseling", what have you accomplished in eight weeks? Oh, that's right, he drives within 5 miles of the speed limit. He could have learned that in traffic school.

The other thing you might try is a free women's support group. Sounds like you need some female support.

Believer, an awful lot of "women's support groups" will simply validate her concerns and encourage her to leave her H. I don't think that is what she is looking for.