Hi All:

Just wanted to pop in while on nightshift to say hi.

Most somber holiday ever for me...well, 2003 wasn't a good year, so go figure.

Still have maintained NC with OM....been well over a month now...wow. Never though it was in me. I try very hard to get him out of my head...but he is nearly contnuously there. How long will it be like that?

Things are kind of stagnant with H and I. Almost like an awkward feeling there. I know we love eachother deeply, I just find it hard to experience those "feelings" that one has for a spouse when they are in a happy marriage.

I hope that once I can shake tis OM from my mind it will help me to get back the feelings/attraction I had for my H.

Take care all,
Sally.

Sally

I'm glad to see you back and having NC with OM. It takes a time - believe me, it took me many months where constant thoughts of OM weren't in my mind.

Someone once suggested to me that every time you think of OM, think of your H instead, his loyalty, love and support. That he has stuck by you when many would kick you out. Call him as you need to - talk to him, and make him the reality in your mind rather than past thoughts of OM.

OM was so awful to you - remember that. He used you Sally, pure and simple. He didn't love you, he had no intention of leaving his W or continuing the R with you. You served a purpose for him. I'm sorry if that is harsh, but focus on that reality rather than happy memories.

You have done wonderfully well to have NC for a month. Soon it will be another month, then another, and it will get easier with each passing day. Do not contact him for his birthday - it will set you further back and be even more painful than you can imagine - believe me, I know.

Wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Sally I'm glad to hear that you have maintained NC with the OM. Did you close out your secret e-mail account? If you have, great! but if you haven't then you are leaving yourself open to temptation and thus breaking NC.

If you want to regain your 'in love' feeling for your H then you can't leave it up to chance. You have to be pro-active and follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage.. Especially The Rule Of Time which will help the two of you reconnect as lovers instead of alternating babysitters. Make the time alone with each other be at the top of the list instead of at the bottom.

Good luck and keep us posted.

<small>[ January 03, 2004, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Sally

Good for you. The problem with your feeling about H are totally related to you irrational feeling about OM. As soon as you get rid of the fantasy and realize that you were JUST a sex object - nothing more than just a good lay - the sooner love will return to your marriage. I don't care what he said or how many lies he told you. All he wanted was sex!!!!!!!Get over it?!?!

Even though I am beating on you with my cyber 2X4 it sure is good to hear that you are doing OK and have maintained NC. The love you once felt for your H will return if you put your energies into your marriage and stop with this fantasy.

Beau

Hi;

TMCM...I will check out those books.

Do you all think it is the A that has made me "lose" my attraction to H? Or could it be the fact that the marriage is 10 yrs old? Or, is it something that can just "happen" unexplainedly?? How can I get the persistent thoughts of OM out of my head to make room for my H? ITs VERYhard? I am scared that our marriage is really going downhill.

We are fighting ALL the time...I woke up from nights today to a BOMB. He sat around and did nothing today...so I when I got up he started cleaning....it takes hi 6 hours to tidy one room--its just NOT enough help. I tell him I cant do this....little sleep, 3 kids and amt of work in house to do when I get up....all to come back in to work again here all night. SO he says he never does good enough for me, I ll just leave him for someone better eventually etc etc etc.

I have NO desire to have sex (its been 2 weeks and hes getting antsy) and I dont want to force myself to do it.

I am at a loss...I dont want my M to go downhill....and its times like this,and I hate to think it or say it, but I feel like talking to OM.

No, I dont have the email account and yes, I continue to think about Feb 2 when his bday rolls around and what I am gonna do. I am petrified I will cave. I dont want to, beleive me.

Anyhow..thanks for the ear guys,
Sally.

If the two of you are fighting all the time then you may want to consider contacting a marriage counseling professional like Steve Harley or his sister Jennifer Harley Chalmers from Marriage Builders Counseling Service. or Penny Tupy from Save Your Marriage Central .

The OM is an escape from reality, just like alcohol or drugs. And like those intoxicants, there is a heavy price to pay for indulging in them. There is only one way to break the grip of an addiction and that is to end all the ways for the addict to get his/her hands on the drug of choice. Likewise with regards to breaking the addiction to an OP, the only is to implement NC. The pain of withdrawl is nothing compared to the pain of ending your marriage to be with the OM and later finding out what a terrible choice you made.

I have maintained the NC now for well over a month now and hope to remain on that track. My problem is that I cannot seem to keep OM from my mind. This is interfering with my energies that need tobe directed towards my H. I need to know if I can do anything to help this?

I wrote my H a letter tonight from work which I will post now to give you some more insight. I have suggested MC but he appears uninterested.

The letter:


I felt the need to email you from work tonight because I am gravely concerned about our marriage and our family.

Before you roll your eyes at anything I say, here me out. Communication is one of our big problems, and unfortunately, I find it much easier to communicate via email.

Lately, it seems our marriage has been going down the shi**er. All we do is fight. I am also concerned about the kids....all we do is yell at them. Where is the f**king love in our home? You yell at them for EVERY little thing. This is not how I pictured being a mom would be like. I am very embarassed. They deserve better.

I feel like you and I aren't even friends anymore. Sex? Why would I have any interest when we arent close emotionally? Maybe its a physical thing more for you , but not to me.

I feel like I can't rely on your support...I mean, for help in the daily tasks of raising a family. I work all night and have to wake up to pure chaos. I mean, I never asked for floor or windows to be washed, never suggested it be clean enough to eat off the floor, just to be tidy. I shouldnt have to ask and REMIND you to clean up...I mean, come on! WHY DO YOU NEED CONSTANT DIRECTION?? JUST DO IT!!!

And ya, it would be really nice to have a meal cooked for me..especially without having to ask for it..I dont think that is asking too much. Just think of how it is when you have to cook a meal for the kids on the very few times you are required to do it because I am working...picture doing that every morning lunch and ever supper time....if you had to do it ALL The time, youd be thankful for someone cooking a meal for you. You always have a meal waiting for you, no matter if I have to work all night long and be up alot in the day. I do it because I want to make things easier on you.

I want to feel the love and friendship again in our marriage. I cannot accept the fact that the affair is the cause of ALL this. Of course, I take full responsibility for my actions in having the A but there are more things wrong in this partnership then the affair.

I'm not really sure where to go from here...I do know that I am unhappy with me, unhappy with us and just basically, not happy.

One thing I DO know is that I am NOT going to continue to take out OUR stressors on the children..they get yelled at WAY too much...I see other parents and the way they talk and treat there kids....we are awful. They are going to grow away from us, esp xxxx and xxxxxx if this keeps up.

These are my honest feelings and I am hoping to here some suggestions on how you think we should deal with all of this.

Love you.

Well thats what I wrote.

Im tired and just really feeling hopeless tonight.

Thanks again,
Sally.

sally:

Eeeew!

If my WW wrote me a letter like that, I'd have left on the spot! Or thrown her out.

Your letter has a combatative, almost self-righteous tone. You completely ignore and invalidate your BH's pain. Remember - you had an A. You made him inadequate. This letter implies the nature of your relationship is one of a queen-slave.

It's almost as if the A is his fault, and to be angry or hurt is not acceptable. About the only thing you didn't do was compare OM to him. You might as well have told him that he wholly inadequate as a man, husband and lover.

Sorry - I think this letter will be the equivalent of gasoline on a match.

Hi Sally, old friend.
Just wanted you to know I am still around and coming here to occassionally read and learn!

You have done very good with the 'No Contact', I understand how hard it is to get him off your mind.
I like the advice from friends here, to make yourself switch your thoughts to thoughts of your husband and what life would be like without him. (Not a good life as you would always feel like you did something wrong if you destroyed your marriage.)

Read Hopeful person's story of a fairy tale ending; she had the affair and she plan A'd her husband for years and gave him kindness!

I wish so much that you and your husband could get 'kindness' for one another back in your marriage...That seems to be lacking and is SO IMPORTANT.

I got the following off the 'break-up' board and I thought it was a very worthwhile message.
Love Ya, Sarah

The Awakening
A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out --ENOUGH! Enough fighting, crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, you blink back your tears and look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.

You realize it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact he is not Prince Charming or she is not Cinderella, and in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter.) You slowly realize any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. In this process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact you are not perfect and not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are ... and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing your Self. In this process, a sense of newfound confidence is born of Self approval.
You stop b###hing and blaming other people for the things they did to you, or didn’t do for you, and you learn the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and not everyone will always be there for you. And that it’s not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and take care of your Self. In this process, a sense of safety and security is born of Self reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers. You begin to accept people as they are, overlooking their shortcomings and human frailties. In this process, a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

So you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing. You begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or never should have embraced to begin with. In this process, you learn to go with your instincts. You learn it is truly in giving that we receive.

You learn there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world, and you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn the only cross you bear is the one you choose to carry and you learn that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or more important because of the person holding your hand or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are, not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that love grows and changes just as people grow and change. You learn you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy. And you learn alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact you are not a perfect 10. So you stop competing with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you measure up to others.

You stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. It is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want. And you learn it is sometimes necessary to make demands.

You come to realize you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. So you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch. In this process, you internalize the meaning of Self respect.

You learn your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You eat a balanced diet, drink more water and take more time to exercise. You learn fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

You learn just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul. So you take more time to laugh and play.
You learn that in life, for the most part, you get what you believe you deserve.

Much of life really is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn anything worth achieving is worth working for and wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More than that, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn no one can do it all alone. It’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because whatever happens you can handle. To give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn to fight for your life and not squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve, and sometimes bad things happen to good people. On such occasions, you learn not to personalize things. God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

You learn that emotions such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the Universe that holds you in its arms. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things millions of people on Earth can only dream about ... like a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for your Self by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray your Self and to never EVER settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to live the life you were born to live.

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 06:31 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

Sarie

I copied that same thing from the BReakups message board last night too!

Funny...I sent it to hubby as well at work.

Listen, the letter I wrote him was after yet another day where he didnt do much at home while he was supposed to be the caregiver/taking care of the house while I was working nightshift.

THis is a problem we have had WELL before the A. One that has yet to be resolved.

If my letter sounded harsh it is because no matter what I did re/the A, he is still the kids dad and this is half his house.

I get very little and broken sleep and work full time at home as well. A aside, this is something he needs to contribute more too. He's gotten to comfortbale and its going to be yet another factor that drives us apart.

Sally.

Hey, Sally,

Your exhaustion and frustration show clearly in your letter. I know you must be at your rope's end with the schedule you're trying to keep, and the added pressures of a currently unhappy M are exhausting you on top of that. It's really, really hard.

Of course you have a right to feel overwhelmed, and to ask for help. There are better ways to say what you said, though. I'd suggest you go read up on Love Busters again. This passage from your letter was especially hurtful:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I can't rely on your support...I mean, for help in the daily tasks of raising a family. I work all night and have to wake up to pure chaos. I mean, I never asked for floor or windows to be washed, never suggested it be clean enough to eat off the floor, just to be tidy. I shouldnt have to ask and REMIND you to clean up...I mean, come on! WHY DO YOU NEED CONSTANT DIRECTION?? JUST DO IT!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This passage just reeks of disrespectful judgements (lecturing). All you can do is make a respectful request of your H. If he fulfills it, fabulous. If not, calmly let him know that you feel overwhelmed because it seems to you that the burden of cleaning the home is falling on your shoulders, and you don't have the bandwidth to handle that. Ask for his assistance in coming to a joint decision on how clean the house needs to be, and another joint decision on how the two of you can best accomplish that.

Your feelings and needs are not unrealistic, but they could be handled without love busting and instead by following the POJA with your H. You guys are a team, but you're treating him like your adversary.

Sally,

I am sorry for having to do this but here comes the 2X4 for you. I don't recall if your H has a job or not. Let me assume he doesn't.

First, if he is IN CHARGE of the house then back off and let him run it as HE sees fit. You are NOT his boss, you are not his commander, you are not going to accomplish anything by yelling at him.

Stop for a second and think what everyone would say if an H who worked acted toward his W like you are acting toward him. They would be yelling for his scalp particularly the female portion of this board.

Second, most women here would be counseling the H to HELP their W with household chores, the children, etc. AND the would be counseling the H to NOT be yelling at the W about being a lousy housekeeper. So why do you think you should be doing this.

Finally, he is getting yelled at, ordered around, and denied sex by a woman that just had an affair and can "only think of OM". You don't think he knows this. He is still with you and you are treating him like the hired help. BACK OFF.

If you want to get OM out of your mind, the straigth forward thing to do is start THINKING about your H. Not how much you love him, what you can do to help him, make him smile, enjoy his company. I can assure you him waking up to a woman issuing orders because he FAILED the inspection is NOT going to get him to work harder.

The children are paying the price because YOU had an affair, and you are taking it out on your H. He is responding with resistence and venom, AND your children are in the middle. If you want the yelling to stop... STOP YELLING at your H and your children. Start smiling, start being considerate, start showing your H you do care for him, and that you do want the marriage to work.

You are the key to your marriage working or going down hill. YOU CONTROL THE SITUATION so stop blamiing him. Your letter was nothing but a blame shifting exercise with the sentence </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Of course, I take full responsibility for my actions in having the A but there are more things wrong in this partnership then the affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you included the word I made bold BUT, you just removed yourself from taking ANY responsibility. You just invalidated what you claim is true and your H knows it.

Sally, grow up. You are a major cause of this mess, and ONLY you can change much of the dynamics of this mess. Your H has his role, but you can only change you and you are NOT doing it. You are not even taking responsibility for your A and how it has affected your H.

Time for some serious introspection. But, remember if you quit YELLING the house will be twice as quiet as it is now. You do the right things and I suspect your H will follow.

I sure hope you seriously think about what I and others have said.

God Bless,

JL

hi;

Just learning:

You are right...I am to blame for lots that has gone wrong. However, the issues of my H and not helping out have been LONG standing.

I agree with you, the yelling is BAD. We both talked today and agreed that we need to curb the yelling.

I dunno....he did say today that over the past few years, he allowed himself to get "lazy" as far as helping me and vows he will change.

I understand that my approach was all wrong.

I am going to try to work on this. We both are going to try.

I have hope anyhow that things will start to look up.

Thanks guys,
Sally.

I forgot, Husband works full time, straight day job and I work straight nights.

S.

Sally:

Don't take this the wrong way, but you have a defensive streak a mile wide and as long as a Texas highway.

It comes across in the subtleties of your posts. There's a sort of inevitability in your A - as though if your H doesn't meet your needs, it was inevitable that you would find another man to do so.

It comes across in the expectation of perfection that you have. Are you by chance a perfectionist? Are you one of those people who invests so much in things being "perfect" - vacations, weddings, Thanksgiving - that when they aren't, they're sh*t?

Are you an uncompromising person? We often say that someone is uncompromising as a sort of compliment, particularly in the business world. However, another way to look at uncompromising is dictatorial. Just because you envision something being done a certain way doesn't mean that's the only way it can be done.

I'll bet you're a health care professional. I know that medical practioners must follow rigid procedures that don't allow for deviation. Also, because they are often dealing with life and death issues, performance tolerances are very high. There is no room for "good enough" when someone's life is in your hands.

I bring this up because you seem so hard on your H for having flaws. As if you have a reasonable expectation that he'll be perfect, or at least as you see perfect. It's almost as if by being imperfect he deserved having his W step out on him - serves him right!

Hi Sally,

Well, I do hope things will improve. Are you and your H spending enough time together? If you both work opposing schedules how are you working on getting reconnected? Is it possible for you to change schedules to match your H's or for him to change his. It would be better for the kids if both parents were home with them. Just my opinion. Does your H make enough money to support the household?

Also how can you feel close to someone when your constantly thinking about the OM. Why are you even spending the energy on him. To put it frankly he has his own W and family to do this. He is of no concern of yours at all. Nothing was or ever will be real with him. He isn't even the kind of person you could ever believe in or trust. Your the one spending the energy on him. And I agree your H can tell. I can tell you how depressing it is to have a W who is thinking about an a@@wipe that should never have been inserted into the M. You have no idea of the depth of pain you caused him. Yet you wonder why your M is spiraling down. Have you really invested yourself in redeeming your M? Instead of your every thought being on the OM, put it on your H. Yep, a smile can do wonders for your H. A hug, a kind word. Spending time alone with him. Simple things.

As for your expectations on your H's domestic skills, just remember he is not you. He cleans his own way and sees things differently. Same thing between Poe and I. If your H is like me, your hounding him to do stuff will only have the opposite effect. But, you know this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, I do hope that things will improve. Its nice that both of you were able to talk. But I suggest you stop the yelling not curb it. Maybe you can learn to mirror each other. Its a way to share with each other what your thinking and feeling. It might help. You both also need to be open and honest about whats going on inside your heads. Don't suppress or shield each other. It can only lead to resentment and fustration. JMHO.

Silver

Sally I'm not doubting that things weren't too rosy with your marriage prior to your A [btw most marriages aren't], BUT an A does tend to magnify the bad things in the marriage considerably. What was once tolerable now seems intolerable in the mind of the WS or FWS, especially since there is still a longing to be with the OP. So ask yourself if a great part of your frustrations with your H have more to do with you than with him.

Sally,
I thought you might want to hear from a FWW so I thought I would post and let you know that your feelings are not unusual at all.

First, it is great that you have maintained NC--and that you are continuing to read this message board.

I am an action oriented person...so I'll share a few things with you that I personally believe have helped turn things around in my marriage--and I might add that this time last year, I didn't have much hope--I just wanted to hold it together for the holidays, and then I decided I needed to at least try to work it out since we had just had our first grandchild.

One of the FWW on the board (Sincere1) told me to shower my husband with loving acts even if it didn't feel natural. She was right...it didn't....but I followed her advice anyway. A little at a time, I tried to show him affection, and do things for him that would let him know that I cared. During all this I still thought of OM constantly, but somewhere along the line, I started thinking of him less longingly...and began to regain some of the love I thought I'd completely lost for my husband. Even though it has been over a year since the PA ended, I still think of the OM some. And I bet you are saying to yourself that 'I can't help it' when others try to advise you to stop. I couldn't either, but I knew I had to do something....and hugging my husband when I thought of the OM helped me get through it. If you will try to do some of that, (focus on your husband) as time goes on it will feel more natural. Now it is very UNNATURAL for my husband and I to go without hugging and kissing several times daily-- and I can assure you that is a dramatic change from the way we were preA!

Another thing that probably makes you think of him is this message board. Reading here each day keeps it alive in your mind, but I think you are at the point where you need to visit often and seek help from others that have been through similiar experiences. I still think of OM daily because the A and what it did to us has made such a large impact on me. Also, I still feel the need to visit here and read about similiar situations...I think this message board has helped me tremendously.

But as time has gone by, I have not thought of him in the same WAY as before. I still think of him, but not with the longing that I did this time last year. So, time will help you if you will continue the NC you have initiated.

Another thing that has helped me is to get educated...I have read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. Both books will help you see that your situation is not unique...which if you are like me you thought it was. And both books will help you to see that there is hope for your marriage....you can love your husband again.

I think your husband sounds a little like mine...he has probably built a wall around him, and it is up to you to start tearing it down. I believe in a large number of marriages, it is up to the wife to turn things around. (sorry guys--it may not be true for those of you on this message board). In my case, I don't think things would have ever improved if I had not made some changes....he wanted our marriage to work, but didn't know what to do...and I was getting help here.

Know that this has been long, but I just want you to know there is hope...and wish you luck. Diane

Thanks all for your insight.

Uphill, yes, I am a nurse.

TMCM, thanks again for your wise words.

Silverthron..somehow your posts always seem to be able to pick me up when I am down...like you the see the potential for me to actually fix things in my marriage...it inspires me that you feel that way.

And for the record, I could care less in what manner my husband did housework....Im not a perfectionist by any means...infact, my hub says I do everything half--as**d. I just want it done, in whatever fashion he chooses.

It is not possible for us to live off his income,, no. As far as me working nights and weekends...that was so we dont have to put our childern with a babysitter--hub or I, one of us, is always here for the kids.

Here is a letter I wrote to H on nights last night.
Hi hun;

At work and its going AWFULLY slow.

Have been thinkin about you tonight. Lots to say right now.

I'll start by apologizing for my state lately. These past few weeks have
been terrible. I have just felt a distance between us--Im very surprised
you haven't. Not just a sexual one, but an emotional one.

I cannot tell you what has triggered the unhappiness dear.

So......I want to revitalize our marriage. I want to feel that
beautiful excitement of loving and being loved. I want this to be a
FABULOUS
year. I want to get OUT of this self loathing and be blissfully happy hun.

I want to start to try to understand and sympathize with you over how you
feel because of what I have put you through. I want to stop feeling anger
towards you when it is me I should be angry about.

I just want to be a beautiful wife and person, inside and out...and right
now, I am neither in my eyes.

I dont want to self destruct, I dont want to kill our love. I never want
to
look back one day after our marriage is too far gone to salvage and say "i
shoulda done this or that".

Lets have fun this weekend...win some money...I ll sit on your lap at the
slots and we'll pull the handle together.

Lets revitalize ourselves together sweetie. Yes, SWEETIE..you are MY
sweetie, the one true love who loves and cares for me like no other.

You have a good day at work.

I love you
XXOO

His reply
Wow what a letter!! You know I stand by you but yet again I am concerned
about you in more ways than one. I love you honey...we'll talk later today..go get some sleep now.

ps i liked your letter

xxxoooo

Diane

I SO hope that this will be me....its like I am crazy....OM comes into my head and I actually verbally tlak myself out of that state of mind. Its like a sickness.....like a virus that enters your body and you cant get rd of it no matter what you do...time just has to pass before it gets better and clears up.

It's very hard and if there was a magic way to just turn it off, how I think and feel, I would do it to get past this pain. Diane, it does feel very un natural at times to be loving and intimate, and I hate that because I know my H so wants that with me.

I will try the best I Can....and I will stay here for advice/support because it was this board that got me through the very early stages of the end of the A when I thought I was going to "crack"

Take care,
S.

Hi sally2003,

I don't remember if I've ever posted to you or not, but I'm a FWW, too. If anything I write seems harsh, please know that I'm writing out of compassion and with the experience of wearing the same WW shoes.

To forget about FOM, and also to come out of the fog, there were different strategies I had to use at different times - whatever worked at the time is what I'd do.

One example is that I would force myself to recognize and admit FOM's bad qualities and negative behaviors.

While coming out of the fog, I know that's hard to do, because we don't want to believe anything bad about him. If nothing else negative came to mind for me at first, there was always the most obvious two: 1. He cheated on his wife. 2. He messed with someone else's wife.

It was easy for me to forgive FOM for those decisions, because I was guilty of adultery also, but that didn't make the behavior any less wrong.

Something else I would do is read on this board(again and again) the pain that BS's are going through to remind me just how wrong A's are and how many people are hurt (seems unbelievable that we need reminders, but coming out of the fog is HARD).

It also helped me to read what some BW's thought about their H's OW! It feels horrible to really realize I was an OW! At the time of the A, it was supposed to be romantic, but reading the reality of the BW's point of view helped me put things more in perspective. It also forced me to see FOM's W as a real person, not just someone FOM talked badly about all the time.

It's a long road and you're only a couple of months in. Take deep breaths and hang on. You're doing great. Know that it will take time and try to be patient.

Also, if you contact OM on his birthday, I can guarantee you that it will make you feel worse, not better. Renewed contact can not only take you back to square one of withdrawal (and "ruin" any progress you've made in that area already), but it can also take you back to the horror and guilt of D-day. You will probably agree that's a day you don't want to re-live EVER. BTDT, it stinks.

One more thing. When my kids were little, I hated to leave them with anyone, so I know how you feel. However, is there any way you could find someone you trust to babysit so that you could work days? It might take so much of the stress off of your M, and give you more time to sleep, too!