Hi folks,

As you know from my previous thread "Plan A - Checking in for advice" I have been waiting until after the New Year to talk with my wife about the future of our marriage.

Today, just before leaving on some shopping she gave me an envelope with a letter and an article. The letter is very nicely written, but what it comes down to is she is leaving me for the OM because God wants them together in ministry. The detail of the end of our marriage are to be worked out "later" along with telling the children.

OK, folks, I have read the stuff here, but now I need support, sympathy and probably to be told again what to do.

This is truly the saddest day of my life.

<small>[ January 08, 2004, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

she is leaving me for the OM because God wants them together in ministry.
Bummer.

Wonder what her excuse will be when they break up. Will she blame that on God too?
God doesn’t break up a marriages, especially with another person.

Auto,

First off, God does not want your W and OM in ministry together. It goes totally against all of God's teachings. Your W is in some serious fog if she feels God has anything to do with her affair...

Second, if you've read Surviving an Affair or some of the info on this site, you'd know not to believe anything your WW says and 1/2 of what you see. She may threaten you with DV but it isn't likely that she will go through with it. She may want you to fight with her so she can justify what she has written. Don't fight with her, don't pay attention to what she says, do Michelle Weirner Davis' 180 checklist. Don't give your W the ammo to fight you. Let her get through the guilt of it all and she will most likely keep putting things off...

My WW has come home twice but has gone back to OM. She has told me she does not love me and never has. She told me she wanted a DV and yet has done nothing about it. I've plan A'd her and plan B'd her and I'm not sure what I'm doing now. But I feel she is more confused now than ever before and she has to hit rock bottom before she will want to find out what she wants or needs. So, even if she does file for DV, don't sign the paperwork. Don't do anything you are not comfortable with. She is the one making the mistakes, let her. Don't enable her... Just my thoughts. Have comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. Many of our WS's have said what your W is saying. Don't believe everything you hear. Keep us posted. Know you have support here....

auto - Blah, blah, blah, more fog talk. My H told me God wants him to be with OW, a month later he went to church with me and asked everyone to pray for reconciliation, then went back to living with OW.

You can be assured that God wants your marriage to survive. Continue working on yourself and ignore her communications.

LWH and Chris

I know this is not God's will, but she is so deep in the fog and so emotionally taken by the OM that she will believe anything.

She never took me up on my offers to see a MC. Instead she went to a 'counselor' who is a friend of the OM and now a friend of hers. Hardly an objective fellow. I have never met him or talked to him. So how can he give her any advice regarding our marriage.

I won't do anything to end the marriage. She will have to do it all, including telling our child.

The only thing I will do is have my paycheck sent to a checking account that it is in my name only. I only do this because I am very leary of the OM's influence over her.

Right now I am so very angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Yet I know that of three of us in our marriage (God, her and I) two of us still want it to succeed.

Auto:

This ministry? Who are they? Are your WW and the OM the "ministry"? or are they involved in a church. If they're in a church, by all means blow the A wide open 2 them.

Who knows about the A?

Also, your sig line. You didn't wake up 2 reality in October, you woke up 2 a fantasy you're WW is trying 2 make a reality. It won't work.

best,
-ol' 2long

Hi auto,

Like the others said,your WW is still brainwashed so as hard as it may be,don't THINK too much about the letter right now.Regardless if she really goes through with D or not,it's not over til it's over so hang in there.

Now is the time to do that 180 degree list I think.Study it and implement it.

O

Good question about the ministry. This is strickly something they have developed between themselves. I think I can say with confidence that our pastor and the OM's pastor have not approved or validated their decision to end their marriages.

I believe their emotions have deluded them into thinking that this is god's choice. It sure makes it easier to sin when god tells you to do so, right?

October, I will study the 180 list. Actually, given how I feel, I don't think it will be hard to do. A lot of 180 is about protecting oneself from further harm.

Are you sure we can't introduce Trashy Homewrecker to the Slimeball Jerk? It might just solve a big problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I still love my wife and want her back in a new and better marriage.

LOL!

Well you know,trashy homewrecker lives in Canada so if your slimeball OM is willing to travel,YES! It's a DATE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I too would like my WH back and a better marriage BUT am not deluding myself either.All is in divine order,so we shall see.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

What an awful evening!

Since WW will probably move out in a week or so, we decided that we must tell our adult son what is going on. I told WW that since this is her desire she could tell our son while I would be there with her.

It was horrible. He asked her point blank if she was having an affair. She ducked the issue and said it might depend on how one defined affair. On and on he asked her how she could leave 'dad', who had been a good husband and father by her own admission. She answered that she did not want to discuss that now. Our poor son was so upset! We could hear him crying, his voice broken.

Later, I took the phone and talked to him privately to calm him down and tell him that for now we must be patient. But, he is deeply hurt.

And all of this comes from an affair that is a special calling from god. Yeah, Sure. And the Ayatollah Kohmeni is an Orthodox Jew!

Right now I am so angry that I could easily Love Bust big time. It's bad enough to put me through this crap, but now our child has to endure it! I fell like throwing her stuff out on the driveway telling her to take it and just leave us alone.

<small>[ January 04, 2004, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by auto009988:
... He asked her point blank if she was having an affair. She ducked the issue and said it might depend on how one defined affair. On and on he asked her how she could leave 'dad', who had been a good husband and father by her own admission. She answered that she did not want to discuss that now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'm sorry that your evening was so awful. this passage is terribly revealing about your wife's current state. as awful as it was to go through this with your son, this event will prove to be significant in the long run.

i'm curious. when you spoke to your son privately, did you reveal the affair then?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong> [QUOTE]Originally posted by auto009988:
... i'm curious. when you spoke to your son privately, did you reveal the affair then? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not have to. He quickly guessed the identity of the OM and he figured out the my wife's response was pure evasion. We talked a bit about the affair. To say that his faith in my wife as a Christian role model is shaken would be a safe thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So, after all the turmoil, Plan A continues at least until she moves out.

I plan to continue to avoid LB's. However, I am also doing the 180 list as well as possible. I guess I need some practice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have not asked her to leave early or told her that she must leave. My position still is that I love her and want the marriage to work. She will leave, which will probably take place in the next two weeks. I will not kick her out. She asked me if I still wanted to sleep with her in our bed and I said, "Yes, I am your husband, what else would I do?" I want her to remember that this is our home.

So I continue Plan A combined with 180 for a week or two.

PLAN A! PLAN A!

I'm a strong believer now in following the MB principles as closely as possible.

I know Steve Harley is not in favor of the 180 stuff. I'm not sure why though.

Hi auto,

I'm sorry to hear what has transpired.OOOH! It just makes me mad that these WS are creating such devastation in so many lives especially our children.They have turned into selfish,coldhearted,dishonest creatures.Not worthy or deserving anymore of what they so readily threw away.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

auto,

Just let her know that you want to be married to her and will be there for her for as long as you can and then let her go. Don't give up but let her go.

After my wife left, it was rough but the sky didn't fall on me and I didn't slit any wrists. It will get easier.

I did crack up about the affair being "from God." I understand because my wife thought the same thing...that God had brought them together to be together. Not the truth.

God bless you brother

Hi folks,

Just thought I would check in on what has been going on in my little head. I have spent a lot of time in the last two days talking with my son. He is very angry at his mother and like a young, aggressive Marine recruit wants to get a few of his friends together and go visit the OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> As the Marines say, NO BETTER FRIEND, NO WORSE ENEMY. He feels his mother has betrayed not only me but him since she has violated all of the Christian moral rules she tried to instill in him.

However, talking with my child and hearing the pain in his voice has had a GOOD EFFECT on me at some level. I guess the FATHER in me has been aroused. I now want to help my son get over this sorrow, and those feelings have displaced much of the pain I was suffering every day. Hearing my wife calmly talk about divorce and her plans with OM only 24 hours after listening to her son CRYING ON THE PHONE has been a catharsis. Much of the pain has been ripped out of me and washed away.

Of course, I have advised him to remain calm and focus on his training. I told him I want our home to be a safe place for his mother to return to if she makes that decision. I don't want her staying away because she fears her husband and son will jump all over her. He understands and will do what is right and good.

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

auto,
Your wife really has no idea how lucky she is does she? To have someone truley love her after all that she has done and willing to committ to a better marriage. She has no idea, but she will learn one of these days.

Hi Auto

Its a rought spot, but the fog will end. Good idea about your paycheck.

From what you typed your son is very special. And so are you. Keep up the good work on Plan A.

Chris and Silver, Thank you for your supportive comments. I am simply trying to show her what she will give up for the OM. However, the reality has not set in yet. And I am coming to believe that if it ever does, the time frame is going to be long. At least three months and probably a lot more.