In a previous post I explained how my wife left me, and my 8yr old son and I have come back to our hometown to try and rebuild. I have been given some hope that she will come back to me after her 'soul searching' and part of my plan to win her back is to get my act together and make sure that there is something enticing waiting for her.

The problem is this. My son still has no idea. We've told him that he and I are forging ahead to find a new place to live and Mom will join us later. He's thinking two weeks. This does not seem likely or even possible.

I just went over it again with him, explaining that we were here to find a new school for him, a new job for me, a place to live. He's going to start behaving better and I'm going to quit smoking. Just then he interupts me and tells me that what I'm saying is that, "We are going to get a new life."

Not only was I not prepared for that kind of insight from my young child but the poignancy of his Mom's abscence from the conversation has shaken me up quite a bit. I did not mention her because I don't know quite what to say yet. I'm just surprised that he didn't as we discussed what kind of new life we might have.

It's only day two. She may wake up tommorrow and realize she's made a mistake and want to come back. She may wake up in three months. She may not wake up at all. She may even wake up and come to the conclusion that this is all for the best.

At some point though, the topic is going to come up. I know it's only day two but the boy is a smart cookie and I'm not sure how to handle it when it becomes unavoidable. Mom might not be a part of the new life we've come to find. She'll be a part of his life always, I have no doubt about that... but Mom and Dad not together??? Anytime we've ever argued (and believe me, our 'arguments' are tame by anyone's standards) the boy has become upset about us getting divorced. We've always smiled about it, thinking how cute, but then we never imagined this happening.

I'm really scared.

dewt

Hey again,

I know you are scared. I'm scared for you. I have kids too, though they are both older than your son. Still, it was very difficult for them. I don't have the magic answers for you, but I will share this. We all went through hell four years ago, and one of my daughter's strongest memories is that I was ALWAYS honest with her. She also remembers that her father wasn't.

When she would ask if we were getting a divorce, I would tell her that I hoped that would never happen. When she asked me what made this happen I would tell her that I didn't know. Heck, I STILL don't know!

It is important to try to make kids feel secure, but that can only be built on the truth and on the trust that they CAN rely on you.

After all, you are trying for a new life. You hope that it will be as a two-parent family unit, but it might not be.

Oh Dewt, just do your best. It's really all any of us can do.

Love to you and your beautiful boy,

Peppermint Patty

I'm lucky to have him too. There are many behaviours that are almost instinctive to me that I cannot pursue with him in my care. This is a good thing.

The strain of this is starting to sink in a little. He seems to be starting to realize that he is not going back home and that indeed he no longer even has a home, really. It's not a realization on a concious level, but I can see his need for reassurance and stability emerging in his behaviour. Oh God, I pray that at least this one aspect will go smoothly... that I will be able to get him into school quickly and re-establish a routine before... well, before what I don't know.

Something is really starting to scare me, but I'm not sure what it is yet...

dewt