I recently wrote my story about my A with OM. I got some great advice, but I need more. I have done everything. I've been reading and reading different books. I'm praying and praying. I've taken full responsiblity for the A. I've tried to show my BH how much I love him, but he won't give me a chance. I talked to my H today and he says that he knows that I'm sorry and that I love him. He says he knows that I would do everything to make our marriage better, but for him, he will never forget it and will always be miserable. He says I'm being unfair by not understanding his decision. I know by begging for another chance I am pushing him away, but how can I just sit and watch him walk away without even trying. He says everyone keeps telling him the same old stuff, to follow his heart. How can I make him realize that he isn't following his heart because he hasn't faced the anger and resentment he has toward me? It's only been 2 months since D-day. All he keeps saying is that he can't wait until this (our marriage) is over so he can try to be happy again. Why can't he see that he can't run away from this or he will never be happy? I know it's his choice, but I also know that he's not even trying to give me a chance. I don't understand that. How do I get him to see that I love him and we deserve a chance to be happy together without pushing him away?

Hi chris,

Well,you have a taste for what we BS go through here.It's tough isn't it.Have you tried to get your H to come here and read? He may find solace in what we can offer,being in a similar position.

Has your H begun D proceedings? Are you still living together? How about counseling,has that been tried yet? If you already posted your story somewhere,I'll look for it so we're not redundant here.

O

No D has been filed. My original post is titled "Help" from a couple days ago. I am so ashamed and so remorseful for what I have done. Our marriage wasn't that great before and that wasn't all my fault, but either one of us could have had an affair, but I was the one who did it. I know that I am the one who did all of this.

Hi again,

Well, I went back and read all the responses to you whe you posted before chris and you already got alot of great advice.But you have to realize that there is no quick fix to this and like the rest of us here,we wait.

Keep doing that which was offered to you in terms of coping and working on your marriage but your H may need more time to get on the road to recovery,he is still partly in the breakdown lane but that is to be expected at this point.All of us BS wish our WS could be as remorseful and repentant as you.Your H at least has that going for him.

O

chrismm:

There is no better place to learn what to do, and what NOT to do. I would follow Oct..girl's advice and try to get him to come here and read, and learn that what he is going through is perfectly normal, and he is allowed to feel the anger he is feeling. Would he read SAA if you gave him a copy?

When my xH left, I was also devastated. I truly didn't know what to do, or even think. I feel like I was where you are.....we were both guilty of neglecting each other's EN's........if only I could get him to read these concepts, he'd see....

You already know begging, pleading, asking, reasoning or any other method isn't going to work.....so why not just go with the "experts?" I'm not talking about US.....I'm talking about the Harley's!! It was from me reading about what W. Harley had learned about A's, and knowing that he knew what he was talking about through years of research and study, I knew I could just hang back and let it happen. This way, in the future, my H wouldn't "hate me" or resent the fact that I pressured him into returning. He would have returned (IF he does) b/c he learned these lessons himself - admittedly the hard way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Your best bet is to Plan A your H! Do all the types of things that caused him to fall in love with you in the first place. Every chance you get, deposit LB$ deposits. Whenever you "nag" him about getting back together, or try to plead for a chance, you are not making deposits, but withdrawals!! That will never work for restoration.

They say "seeing is believing," and I believe that is the best tactic for you to use. DO everything you need to do to prove to your H that youare serious about wanting to reconcile. He's probably very hurt, and still not totally trusting yet. Give him time. Remember, the time line for the BS is much different from the time line for the WS. The WS had started their A, at least mentally long before the BS is aware of it. So, the time line only begins for the BS at D-Day. Makes a whole lot of difference in how each partner feels during the entire process. So don't despair. Just take your time, work on YOU in the meantime, and believe in your heart that this CAN happen!

Good luck, and keep trying!

God Bless,

I know I need to stop all the nagging and begging and I try not to do it, but I just get so scared sometimes that I'm going to loose him forever. Thank you all for reminding me what I need to do. Sometimes the fear of loosing him makes me loose sight of that. I just wish I would have come to this sight before I had the A.

chris

You might want to do some quick searches on post divorce feelings.

Men on average are bitter over three years past the end of a marriage.

So it won't be a bed of roses emotionally for him.

If he is not raging if he is not angry then he is still in the early stages and that is Denial...no not the river in Egypt.

Now let me warn you when he does get angry it can get pretty ugly. He will test you with pure venom to see if you hold up. Part of him will want to drive you away.

I know initially my first response was my WW gave me the excuse to end the marriage. But when that reality set in plus discoveries about her abusive past I found out deep down I did not want to end the marriage at all.

I would urge your husband not to make a life altering decesion after only two months of knowing about the affair.

There are some things I am curious about because they do make a difference in how he handles things.

Did you or OP end it or did find out about while it was ongoing?

Do you have children?

How long have you been married?

We don't have any children. He found out while it was ongoing. He asked me about it one night and I looked him right in the eyes and lied about it and then continued to still see the OM. My BH then had me followed and of course asked me to move out when he showed me all the evidence. It was that moment when I realized what I had done. I stopped the relationship with the OM. This of course wasn't easy (you'll see that if you go to my initial thread "help"). I moved out a month after D-day because I felt that if that was what my BH really needed, I owed that to him. Since then I have been doing a lot of reading and soul searching. I know what I need to do in my marriage now, I know what I should have done, but I can't go back in time and erase it. I can only learn from what has happened and make things better. I know I want to be with my H for the rest of my life, I just hope he gives me a chance. He brings up that time he asked me about the A before he had me followed and he says he knew about it and that was my chance. He says that he knew everything and was going to get past it. How can that be? If he was just going to get past it then why did he have me followed? How can he consider that being my chance? Why couldn't he have said I know you've been having an A and I love you and I want to get past this. Why couldn't he have said that he wanted to get help with our marriage? Of course you could ask me why I looked him in the eyes and lied about it. I wish I would have told the truth that night. Maybe things would be different now. Maybe that was my chance.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

chrissm

Well I think every betrayed spouse looks back at their wayward spouses affair and says this should have stopped you or this was your chance.

We are not rally looking or offering a chance we are more placing markers where the betrayal was the greatest.

I assigned calendar markers to different events in her affair. First time they went all the way the week after our 15 anniversary. Last time they booked a sleepover trade show during lunch on my 43rd birthday.

IN MY MIND this allowed me to elevate the betrayal...as if it needed to be...by saying this date or this holiday should have stopped you or woken you up to what you were doing.

By saying you had your chance he is removing any guild he might have should he leave.

This is not out of the ordinary. Most betrayed spouses seek moral high ground when thinking about divorcing....and 9 out of ten betrayed spouses give some serious thoughts to divorcing so seeking the moral high ground is common.

Now does this mean he is clearing any mental barriers to leaving you? I can't say. But most marriages do not survive an affair--2 out of 3 if you believe what is written.

But yours is the type that has a good chance. You are remorseful. You want to rebuid/make things right. There was little or no withdraw. The affair didn't continue after discovery. And so on.

They key is getting your husband to give you a chance.

Will he consider going to a marriage counselor?

We have an appointment to see a counselor on Tuesday. This is the counselor that he has been seeing. I asked him if she wanted to see me before we went together. He said she said no and that she thinks it is better when you see seperate counselors so there are no feelings of biased opinions. I wouldn't go in there and think she was attacking me. I know she would just be trying to make me understand how he is feeling. That's what I want. He said that she said that I have to understand when I see her on Tuesday that he is her client. So I don't know how this appointment is going to go. My H is a firefighter and has also talked with his chaplain. I've been trying to get him to let us go talk to him together in hopes that he will be another good source in repairing our marriage. Today my H went to church. I have been begging him for years to go to church, but he never would. I am glad he went because I have been praying for this. I have been praying that he will go and open his heart to God.

I don't get it. It seems like most of you are doing everything in your power to get your WS to come back to you and try to make your marriage work. I am a WS who is doing everything in my power to get my BS to come back in my life. I don't understand it. If I would have left on my own and kept seeing the OM and not taken any responsiblity (or should I say full responsiblity)and not been repentful for what I've done would it be different? It seems like if I would have kept doing all the wrong things my betrayed husband might be wanting me in his life.

Chris,

There are some things you are missing. The people here are not your NORMAL selection of people. Many BS's stay in marriages because of economics, some find help such as this place, but many do leave or the marriage continues to limp along.

Who works on the marriage depends on who wants it most. Your H right now does NOT want the marriage and the associated humiliation of your affair. You DO want you marriage NOW, but you didn't when you were in the affair. You knew the risks and you took them. You looked him right in the eye and lied to him. I believe I mentioned this to you before. You may not realize it, but your H is very probably having a harder time with the lies, than with you having sex with another man. Why? Marriage is built on trust, and he knows he was duped and lied to. He feels like a complete fool.

His life is out of control right now, and the decision for divorce is very likely a decision made to try and regain and stablize his life. It may not be a good choice but he feels he made it because he can control that much.

Chris, there are many subtle things that go on in a marriage and until you come to a site like this you don't get to see them. I have learned so much. One of the things I learned is that each spouse likes to feel they have some control in their lives, some stability, some room for error.

Now consider what has happpened in your case. Your H feels that whatever he did in the marriage was not enough (he has no control), he feels that vows you two took don't mean much (no stability), and finally he probably realizes he wasn't husband of the year and you found someone better (no room for error).

How do you counter this?? Slowly, very slowly, but you MUST be very honest in your dealings with him. He must come to realize that you KNOW you violated your vows and you are deeply sorry and deeply hurt by your own failure here. He must come to understand that the affair was your fault and that you did not necessarily find someone better or someone you want to be with. This latter is done by having NO CONTACT with OM.

Mostly, he must get over his pain enough to realize what he is losing if he loses you. This is something that he MUST find within himself. You cannot put that there. Show him your patience with him, and have faith in yourself.

You have learned alot, and you will learn even more as time goes on, but Chris some decisions do have lifetime consequences some like marriage can be good, others like affairs are bad. You must stop acting in fear. You started the rock down the hill, you cannot stop it, but you can hope that the people below will step out of the way before they get hit.

We are all hoping your H can see what you have learned but he has to be ready to do the learning. He is not right now. So be nice to him, but don't push him, don't cry around him, show him who you are right now. Your fear of losing him is NOT helping you. You need to address the fear by starting to address your ability to live without him. It may not be what you want, but it is what you need to do. You will do much better if you can address your fear.

I hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

Hi chris,

Don't play the guessing game ok? You'll drive yourself insane.

If any one of us could truly predict what people would do in any given circumstance,well we would not be here that's for sure.We are in essence looking for answers yes but more importantly for support.Not one of us knows how things will turn out in our situations but we try to understand,seek knowledge and console one another.

You keep posting as if we haven't given you the precise answer you wanted yet but we can't.A lot of what we deal with here is the unknown and it is scary.Try to let the events unfold in their own time.I still get the sense of urgency in you from what you're saying and I know all of us would like to be done with this nightmare we are living but life is not that predictable and easy.

You are on what we BS call the "Rollercoaster" and it includes being on a ride where every day our(you and spouse) emotions change,several times a day and you never know when the ride will lift you up(hope) or drop you down(despair).Now some people here are still on it and are riding it out as best they can with help(AD's,counseling,family/friends,MB,etc) and others,like myself, have stepped off the ride temporarily before irreversible damage is done to the relationship(i.e. Plan B).

One commonality though is the NEED for us all to take care of ourselves in the process.Put YOU first for the time being.That means: read,seek counseling,pamper yourself,see friends,take a hot bath,post your feelings here,whatever it is that comforts you while you ENDURE.Don't over analyze your husband's actions and words right now and don't try to pressure things to happen.This is definitely a slow boat to China process.

Does this make sense to you?

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All of that does make sense. I really do need to have more patience and take control of my life and not let the hope of being back with my H take over my life because it has,but sometimes I feel like I owe him that much. I just look at what I have done and want to make things better. I see how bad he is hurting. It's not that I don't feel like your posts aren't answering my questions because they are. They are extremely helpful in helping me understand, but when I read about the topic, and I do a lot, I never find anything about what to do when the WS has ended the relationship without hesitation and is giving everything to make their marriage better. I never find anything about when the BS doesn't want to give their WS a chance. I am assuming because that is their decision and they don't ever work things out in a marriage. I am just going to take your advice and wait. I am going to wait with hope and faith and I am not going to beg and cry for another chance anymore. If he wants that, he'll give it to me. Thanks again. You all are so helpful in making me gain sight of what I should be doing.

Hi again,

Maybe if you look at it this way: even though you are the WS in this story ,our stories here are still similar: there is one spouse that wants to work on the marriage and the other is either confused,doesn't want to work on the marriage or does.So I guess my suggestion would be not to focus too much on the fact that your H is the BS and doesn't want to work on the marriage but rather you are a spouse that has serious marriage trouble.

Hopefully,some of the others here that are also WS's that want to save their marriage will post to you so you can share that side of this.

O

Chris please consider acknowledging everything he says even though you do not agree with it ["As much as I love you and want to rebuild our marriage, if a divorce is what you truly want, then I won't fight you"] and validating his feelings ["Yes I to would most likely feel the same way you do if the roles were reversed"]. You see by you NOT resisting him (i.e. pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore) and showing him that you accept the consequences of your actions, you are more likely to have him lower his emotional walls enough for him to question the wisdom of divorce. He might even do some introspection and question whether he contributed in some form to the marital environment that made your affair possible. Don't allow your fears to sabotage your efforts.

chris:

Oh dear. You may be in the "too little, too late" category.

You may have to realize that the damage done by the continued lie - seeing OM even after telling your H - may be insurmountable. Sadly, it demonstrated something to your H about you from which you may not be able to seek redemption.

Sometimes, we break things beyond repair.

How can you say I have broken this beyond repair? What keeps everybody on here, that has been through the lies and betrayal, wanting to try to repair it? I'll tell you what does love and hope. Maybe I am in denial, but I did this, I take full responsiblity for it, but I have also changed from this. I have learned so much about marriages and I will not give up on making my marriage work. It's only been 2 months. When I post on this MB, I can take the criticism for what I've done, but don't tell me there is no hope. I'm told that everyday by my BH. I don't need to hear it when I come here.

OK, Chris - I am genuinely trying to help you, but this is my last post to you unless I get a satisfactory response.

What is the status of your no contact letter to OM?

I've posted over 4000 times on this forum and NEVER have I had to openly boycott another poster before.

WAT