My WS thinks this site is biased for the BS. He has read the post by Trueheart, but needs more. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: Keepin' the Faith ]</small>

My WS thinks this site is biased for the BS.
That’s kinda like saying math is biased towards numbers.

This site is biased FOR marriage. That’s why it’s called “Marriage Builders.” <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

He has read the post by Trueheart, but needs more
Needs more what?

There is plenty here about why affairs hurt marriages and why affairs are a poor choice.

If you read enough posts, you will figure out who is a WS. I am one, and with out this site, who knows were I'd be. If he looks up my archives (I'm not sure how to do that) you can see I've gotten plenty of help here - I know there are LOTS of others.

Felina

Well, I've seen plenty of posts by WS here in my couple of months.

As for being biased towards the BS, well, I can see how he might feel that way. As Chris said, it's really just biased in favor of marriages. The reason some might see that as biased towards the BS is because in most cases, it seems that the BS is the one who is most interested in helping their marriage during or after an affair.

However, if you read the posts to Hopeful_person, and Chrismm, and others the posts would seem to be biased toward the WS, because they want to keep their marriages or remarry their spouse and are getting help in doing that.

Chris hit the nail on the head, there is definitely a bias: toward rebuilding and maintaining the marriage.

If your H wants help in rebuilding your marriage, he will surely get it. He'll get more suggestions than he can handle, especially from the women <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . But, us guys can swing a 2x4 pretty well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Seriously, what most people need to see in order to be construction is a desire to make it work. Nothing always works, but if someone comes here and wants the marriage to work, people here will definitely do their best.

Good Luck,

JL

I am the WH of "Keeping the Faith". I have not entirely felt comfortable with "Marriage Builders" forum. Particularly with the opinions about me the WH. I am sure this sounds defensive, but I need to add some information that might give a different point of view. As far as myself and possibly my wife have been stuck in a major rut with substance abuse. I will just say that it comes from way South of the border. I am very frustrated with our life. Though we live well, we became more distant from each other. We did not share time away together, not even to have drinks at a local pub. So being mad at our past and current situation, I found someone new to share time with and as you guys say "Fulfilled my emotional needs." With out getting deep into this relationship. My question for now is "Does anyone think that I could possibly have some major issues, that keeps me from making any definite decisions? Continuing on and following the same path, tearing up everything I had planned with my wife. That unintentionally continues to keep hurting. I ask for your opinions. Signed Desperado

Desperado:

I think you are still in the fog, addicted to the OP. The main thing you need to do is a NC letter and maintain NC with the OW. Simple as that!!!!

I too, am a WS. And I, too have found this site to be enormously helpful. Especially to learn from the BS's here about the pain we WS's have inflicted.

__JG

The main thing you need to do is a NC letter and maintain NC with the OW. Simple as that!!!!

Is it really that simple? Kind of reminds me of Nancy Reagan telling people to "Just Say No" to drugs.

On paper...that might sound great. But the dynamics of some of these involvments are pretty intense.

I just think people have to be careful about tossing out such flippant advice, even if it makes such clear sense to you. Because to the person on the other side who is struggling....comments like that do more harm than good.

Just my opinion.

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: B4Long ]</small>

I was BS/BS/WS.

Majority maybe, biased no.

Ending the relationship of course is not simple.

However, in terms of what Desperado specifically needs to do it is that. When a person is in the fog, the advice needs to be simple. This is from the mouth of Steve Harley himself.

If you knew anything about my struggle here over the past year, you would know that I know none of this is simple. My aim was to help Desperado without too much words to avoid confusion.

I am a strong believer in the MB Principles.

NC letter, then comes the hard work of withdrawal and marital recovery. Nothing simple at all. This has been the hardest year of my life.

Doing too much analysis at this time will only prolong his suffering. The A is like an addiction which has to be broken off cold turkey, no two ways around it. Believe me I've lived this and am here to tell the story and to help others.

The advice is simple. It is not easy. Sometimes truth is like that.

desperado..

I don't know you...
I don't have any opinions about you..

I don't understand your question....
I don't know what you mean....

Does anyone think that I could possibly have some major issues, that keeps me from making any definite decisions? Continuing on and following the same path, tearing up everything I had planned with my wife. That unintentionally continues to keep hurting.

what do you consider major issues?...

how do you unitentionally hurt someone?

ark....

Hey Desperado,

If you are still there, I have an offer for you.

My H was not "into" MB either but he has benefited enormously from my participation in it. And he thinks that guys like JL are "pretty cool" -- why? Because he heard what was written about him when I first came here, when this guy had never even met him, never heard one word from his mouth...and yet he seemed to understand how my husband felt about me and our marriage...and why everything was so screwed up and frustrating for him.

My husband and I were miserable. Now we are happy. And yet he's never written here, never read the books...nothing. But he sure sounds a lot like you (substance abuse and all) except that he is incredibly happy now and can't believe how much everything has changed for us both in such a short amount of time.

I "like" your W even though I've never met her. I think she's a strong caring person and I personally would love to see your marriage survive.

So here's the offer: if you are not comfortable posting here in a public forum, I bet my husband would be willing to talk to you. If you want to write to him, let me know c/o awed18@yahoo.ca. Then I can set you 2 up directly.

He's a man of few words so I can't promise you the best reading experience! But if you just want someone to bounce some ideas off...why it would be worthwhile for YOU, feeling as you do, in your situation, to think about or work on MB principles...someone who is NOT going to judge you except coming from their own experience (like "yeah, I felt like that too...I thought that way too")...he might just fit the bill.

Once you commit to doing this MB course of action, it is really worthwhile posting here. There are lots of other guys who've had affairs -- they can give you great advice. There are lots of betrayed spouses who will be more than happy to make suggestions too. But fair's fair to warn you...you will probably get bitter, angry comments thrown at you from time to time.

Why? It's the emotional nature of the subject matter itself as well as the unfettered access of public posting.

Please give yourself a shot at making sense of your life...all it takes is to reach out. Do it privately, or do it publicly. I know this is hard to do...to take the first step.

Best of luck to you buddy...awed

P.S. If you want to keep posting here, a good first step would be to answer ark's questions. It's hard to help someone when you are not quite sure what they are looking for... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />