Hi guys
I've been over on the Recovery page but I thought I'd post this here.

Many times my w has asked "Why (did you have an A)?" and honestly couldn't give a satisfactory answer. But this weekend in a group therapy session we discussed one of the possibilities for an answer to the Why question. It may fit other WS so that is why I am posting it. It may not be news to others but it was very revealing to me.

I am the product of an alcoholic family (my father). There was little attention given to the children because we were all involved with trying to solve "the problem". I constantly sought approval and acceptance from my mother and it just wasn't there for me. essentialy my parents were not available to meet my childhood emotional needs. I learned that many who grow up in homes such as mine continue to repeat this childhood senario of seeking love, approval and acceptance from those who are "not avaialble" to see if we can overcome the chidhood rejection. We often continue to make the same choices to see if we can some how change the outcome of our quest therefore satisfying the need of that "inner child" who missed out on the nuturing aspects of childhood.

The OW in my life was definately "not avaiable". But if I could some how "win" her it would make up for the many times I sought love and approval from my father and mother (especially mother) but was rejected. It would also help to explain that when OW ended the A why I came crashing down so hard. I am sure this is not a complete answer to the why question but it seems to fit me very well.
H

Hiker;

Thats an interesting analogy.

I am the WW and the A came to an end once the OM told me he needed to cut ties to save his marriage. I still feel numb, altough am able to eat and fucntion at least.

I question many times and still do, as to why I sought approval from OM so much. I was at his beck and call EVERY day...for many things. There are things I did for him (which I have not mentioned here due to emabarassment) soley to make him think I was awesome.

I grew up in a divorced home....dad left at aged 3. Was a drinker and I never wanted to go and visit him. He had a new family and I never felt he cared enough about me. My mom was depressed and I recall most of my childhood had her sleeping on the couch and not "involved". I did however have an amazing grandmother who was very concerend about myself and my sister and was basically like a mom, doting on us always.

I am myself trying to understand the why to this A. I have been told many things my many people about both my inner and outer beauty...however I dont like who I am on the inside and especially the out.

Right now I look up pictures of liposuction before and afters and am seriously considering it. My H thinks I am nuts...and maybe I am....I just know I hate me, hate the state of my marriage and and seriously confused and unhappy.

Thanks for the post,
Sally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But if I could somehow "win" her it would make up for the many times I sought love and approval from my father and mother (especially mother) but was rejected.

I believe this same thing has been my husbands problem all his life. He has been married 5 times and has committed adultery 5 times. His father was crazy and his mother didn't raise him. Every wife has divorced him because of his infidelty. I chose to forgive him, although we are currently separated. I never really could understand why he would do this so many times, although i felt as though he was searching for something. Interesting

Hiker, I didn't grow up in an alcoholic family, but one with other problems. I, too, discovered through my counselor, that with the OM, I was seeking the approval that I didn't get from either parent - to the OM, I could do nothing wrong! (oh, but when H found out - OM cut me off so fast, I couldn't even blink!! - devastated me!!) - but I was also running from the "entrapment" I was feeling with being M, and the fear of love, and loving. I was actually, in a way, using the OM to give me an excuse to leave the M. (If I had an A, I obviously wasn't suited for M... was the thinking) Thankfully, I found this site, or maybe I would be on the way to D today.

Isn't it like a breath of fresh air to have a revalation that even resolves a piece of why things happen?

Felina

I think I can relate. Except I am female who had an alcoholic father.

Trouble is, knowing all the answers to all the questions doesn't seem to help anymore. It did at first, but now I just feel stuck and hopeless.

Maybe someday I'll stumble across a post from you that talks of your revelation on how to change the pattern.

CA

Don't take this serious, but I'm wondering how a relationship would work out between a female who grew up with an alcoholic dad and a male who grew up with an alcoholic mom. Would they then both get their needs met, and live happily ever after? Just wondering. Nothing more.

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: chocolate....addict ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sally2003:
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> soley to make him think I was awesome.</strong>

Sally, me too. I wanted so much for the OM to think I was the one and only, the best, I wanted him to crave me like I craved him, to be so caught up in me that nothing else in the world would matter to him. It didn't happen though, and I still find it devastating.

<strong>I recall most of my childhood had her sleeping on the couch and not "involved". </strong>

Ironic now, this is how my kids will probably remember me.

<strong>...however I dont like who I am on the inside and especially the out.</strong>

It seems no amount of revelations or understanding why or figuring stuff out actualy changes anything. This seems to be who I am and it sucks.

<strong>I just know I hate me, hate the state of my marriage and and seriously confused and unhappy.</strong>

This too.

CA

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: chocolate....addict ]</small>

Holy Moly

So much of what all of you have expressed here are some of the same feelings I've experienced; I really think that there is a very strong connection with the "unavailable parent" issue. I know my W and perhaps others still have difficulty understanding this perspective here because they say "What about me...why didn't you turn to me? but they were available and the answer to the why is partially at least due to the unavailability of the OP. Those which are/were unobtainable and unavailable.

Sally those that grew up in your situation can certainly have these same issues with abandonment. I have similar problems with self image. I am sure that depression is a problem as well. I have lived with it so long I thought that it was the way I was supposed to feel. I didn't do anything about it until this past fall I just totally bottomed out. I think I was close to hospitalization. I was on anti-d's and I kept wondering if I was feeling better. Dr(GP) sent me to a psychiatrist... got new meds...felt better immediately. You first have to over come the depression before you can think logically again.

Cheryl we will keep repeating the same behavior to see if we get change the results. Silly us... to try to conquer the unconquerable. I believed there was a superman costume under my shirt. Funny I just had a huge fight with my 87 year old mom over the holidays over (drum roll) her acceptance of me and my good advice and haven't I proved to her that I am worthy to be trusted and loved because I have lived this fruitful, positive life blah blah blah, I'm 56 1/2(OMG)it's time to forget trying to prove myself before she dies.

Felina when the OP gets close to being exposed too its bye bye to us no matter how cute we are.

CA you are soooo funny <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Here is how we change the pattern(according to my group therapist). We establish a relationship with that child that still lives with in us. We take them by the hand and actually lead them out of this path of destruction. Comforting them and helping them to feel safe, loved and acceptance. Explain to them as we would to a child that there are those people in our lives that are incapable of giving us what we need and that they can grow up to be loved, accepted and even cherished by the ones we love the most our spouses. My w your h took us at face value if they didn't know our faults then they certainly know them now. It amazes me that my W still is able to love me even after all the turmoil and destruction I brought into her life. I can understand that as an adult but that child within me can only be brought to that understanding through me. That child can only be touched and nurtured by me. I felt stuck and hopeless too. I kept grabbing for answers and coming up empty handed. I am fearful right now but there is something deep with in me that rings clear to this new understanding. It isn't good enough to have the answers you need the tools to help you choose a better path. I hope this helps.
H