Hi, I am hoping you can help me and I hope this email will not to be long.

25 years ago I met my husband when I was 18, I got pregnant and we got married at 19 because we wanted our kids to have thier real parents. We are both 44 right now and up till his affairs never had sex with anyone else. Life went on. Throughout that time I never really felt needed or wanted by my husband. The last 5 years of my marriage my husband worked in another province, so we were never really together much, not something that I wanted. At the beginning of our marriage we moved all over the place and I got tired of moving. Two years ago, my husband had an affair on me and the only reason it didn't last was because she dumped him. So I decided enough was enough and I moved to the other province to be with my husband and work on my marriage. Two months after I was there, he took off for another city to work and only came home on the weekends. We tried talking thru things and working on things (or at least I thought we were). After two years I moved back to our house in the other province with the promise from my husband that he would only work 6 months away and would fly home once a month and be home for the other 6 months. He is in construction so the weather in the other province would prevent him from working there in the winter. In the meantime he would phone me every night, say he loved me, he missed me and that he would never have another affair, he went down that road and it would never happen again, and I was the best thing for him. This past August I had a dream that he was seeing another woman and it turned out to be true. He met this woman and three days later he had moved in with her and she told him to **** or get off the pot, so he phoned me up and said he was ending our marriage and that he had never loved me. I asked him about the cards and the things he said to me over the phone and he said it was all lies just to keep me happy. He said that if he had to give up me and his kids so be it, because he was in love with her. Within the 4 months of knowing her he has given her $8000, she owns a horse ranch and he said she is not doing well. They went to Holland for Christmas and he paid for that as well.

My question to you is, what do I do?? I never wanted my marriage to fail and I do realize that him and I were not meeting each others emotionals needs and our love banks were bankrupt. I also know we should have never lived apart, but I thought it was all in the name of work. I know many times over the years when I wanted to make things right he would say to me, "I am happy being a roommate". He is talking marriage to this woman only after 4 MONTHS.

1. What do I do?
2. Why did he lie to me all these years or did he mean the things he said at the time.
3. Is this true love he feels and will this affair he is having last? Is it doomed? This woman has been married 3 times before and his friend thinks she is taking him for a ride. If she is why did they go to Holland for Christmas together. Thats where her family is.
4. Is there a chance he will come back to me and if he does I am not sure I could deal with all the destruction he has caused.
5. I am not sure I ever loved him, how do get back something you are not sure was there in the first place.
6. Is there hope for us if we do get back together, I want this marriage to work, I want to love him because we have such a history together and we have 2 kids together.
7. How do I deal with my obsessive thinking about him, day and night. It rips me apart inside knowing he is giving everything to this woman that I wanted.
8. We are both Christians, and I am trying so hard to rely on God, and I dont understand with his Christian upbringing how he can do what he is doing. When I question him with that he says he is like the prodigal son and is spending his inheritance and maybe he needs to hit rock bottom. Is he just telling me what I want to hear or is it his guilt talking. He says this affair just happened but I know he was open to it.

What do I do as for as having contact with him or trying to make him see I want to make things work. I don't think he wants any contact from me and when we do talk, he always says hurtful things to me and he is really nasty when the other woman is in the vicinity.


I really hope that I can get some answers from someone. I love your website and should we ever get back together, I will definitely be referring to it.

Thanks so much for your time
Cheryl

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Cherylpa ]</small>

Cheryl

I really wish I could help you, but I don't think I'm always so good at BS advice. This message will bump your post up anyway, so hopefully some others will come along and help.

Quickly though - it is not surprising you are not sure whether or not you love your H right now. His actions are cruel and heartless. He is deeply in the "fog" and anything he says right now I would take with a pinch of salt. OW's track record isn't that hot either - 3 Hs - now, what would you call that? - a flock of Hs, a herd of H's or a school of Hs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Forgive me, but sometimes you have to laugh before you cry....

Have you read all the material here? Have you bought SAA and HNHNs? Another good book people talk about (I haven't read it) is Torn Assunder. All these books and information will help you to understand what has happened and what is going on.

The other thing that concerns me deeply is the money your H is spending on OW when you have 2 children - I don't know the legalities in the States (being in England), but I think you should find out about his legal/financial obligations to you and the children.

I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but it is a good place to be during such a horrible time. Keep posting, bump your own thread up and I wish you well.

Lisa

Cherylpa,
I am so sorry that you are in this pain.

I had to respond to you, because our situations are so eerily similar!

My WH also had an affair about 3 yrs. ago, that lasted 3 weeks while he was in another state working.
I thought that we had recovered from that, he would tell me that he loved me, he was sorry,I was the best thing to ever happen to him, if he lost me it would be the worst thing to happen, etc. He also would send me cards and notes.

He has been working out of state for the better part of 5 yrs. also, coming home on weekends and during layoffs.

Last August, I could tell that he was beginning to distance himself from me and the kids, not coming home as much, etc.

I believe it was around that time that he met his new affair partner. I found them together in Dec. of 2002.

He decided to leave the marriage in Jan.03.
He has his own apartment, the OW is in the middle of her own divorce and has 3 children. I believe he intends to move in with her when her divorce is final.

I have been trying to follow the principles here at MB, but it is so very hard sometimes.

I am currently (again) in Plan B.

About 4 weeks ago, he was saying things like, I'll think about coming home, I don't know if it would work, I do miss the kids, the house, your cooking.
But now, he doesn't seem as if he is. He has recently said, "things are working out for me here"

I have always loved my husband VERY much, and even after the 1st affair, believed he loved me also.
We have 4 children,19,17,13 and 4. How he could stay away from them is beyond me. He is just not the same person!

READ READ READ, as Lisa advises. I have learned so much here, it really helps to understand the dynamics of the affair.

I wish you luck in recovering your marriage. It won't be an easy road...it's described as a roller-coaster ride.

Post often, there are people here who can help you get through this! We are all in this together and we understand what you are going through, even when friends and family cannot.

Counseling is a good idea, and a support network of friends and family to help you through your rough days.

Take care.

Thank you so much Lisa and Shugah for responding to me. Shugah, yes yours and my situation do sound very similar. Is your WH still away from you?
I have 2 children son 25 and is married, my daughter 22, living with me and going to school full time so I would not get support for them. My daughter and husband were real close but he is manipulating my daughter into meeting the OW by saying I don't have much time for you if you will not spend it with me and the OW. He even signed his Christmas card to her Love Andy and Arja. Not signed Love dad. Go figure. My daughter is hurting bad over this. Other question I have is that my daughter will not tell me anything that he says to her and I get upset at that. Everyone tells me its none of my business. Is it none of my business??
Can anyone help me figure out how to stop obesssing over him and what he is doing. My thoughts are always on him, it drives me nuts.
As for the $8000 he gave the OW, he says its his living expenses.
Thanks for the replies girls, and pray for me as I pray for all the hurting spouses.
My email is cherylpa@shaw.ca if anyone would like to email me

Thanks
Cheryl

Cheryl,
This is so hard, especially when children are involved.
Fortunately, my WH is not allowed to take our kids to his out of state apt. or to allow the OW around them, this is a court order.
He has very little contact with them in between his visits, every 2 weeks.
I would suggest that you not ask your daughter to choose sides in this...she is old enough to know right from wrong, but he is still her father, and she probably does not want to be disloyal to either one of you. Don't pressure her with questions and she may actually be more forthcoming with info on her own. But also, the more you know, the more painful it can be. You need to read up on the MB principles here and understand that removing yourself from the triangle can help you to remain calm and allow yourself the time to decide how you want to proceed.
WH on the other hand should not be putting your D in the middle by asking her to keep things from you, if that is what he is doing.
Nothing about this is simple or easy, but how you handle yourself right now, can be key to whether you recover your marriage or not. Believe me, most of us here have made ALL the mistakes, sometimes more than once, before we realize that is not helping the situation.
There is a lot to learn, make it your goal in the next few days, to get the material and get started...put your angry energy to good use....make it work for you, not against you.
Strap yourself in good and tight and get ready for the ride of your life...YOU CAN do it...you ARE stronger than you feel right now...
Stay in touch, we want to know how it is going...
If I get a chance I'll e-mail you soon if that will help.

Cheryl

I understand you wanting to know what your H is saying or doing, but involving your D won't help you.

I agree with Shugah, she will probably confide more if she thinks you aren't desperate for information.

When my X (Pound Man) went off with OW (Shiney Head) (yes, I still amuse myself in this way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) my SDs (who BTW are 19 and 15) were so upset by his behaviour and how he had lied to them, all they wanted to do was talk about him, what he had said and what he was doing. I actually found it very difficult at times and didn't want to hear anything. Now, it's calmer, it's not so much an issue for them. Being, older, I'm sure you D doesn't want to hurt you by sharing the foggy nonsense he is talking about. She probably doesn't understand at all, because at the end of the day, your WH is deeply in the fog.

Reassure her actually he is blackmailing her, and of course, she can choose how and when to see her father. It will be his loss not to be in touch.

Now, what have you done for yourself? I am a great fan of exercise - it helps clear the mind, keeps you fit and really does refresh you. You must decide what and how you are going to be the best you for you (Plan A). Read up on it here.

Keep posting Cheryl. Others will come along too. Post even if you feel like you are talking to yourself. Sometimes, there are so many people here who need help it is hard to keep supporting everyone.

Take care.

Lisa

Thanks everyone for listening to me on here. I am so glad I found this site and friends like you to give me support.
Please pray for me that I will find a job. I did have a good one but I lost it, I was training for it but I could not seem to learn it. I have a bad memory and put me under any stress and it makes it worse. So they asked me to leave. It was a bit of a blow to the ego, but they did realize I had a lot on my plate.

Lisa I think I may be in plan B. I wrote him a 5 page letter, telling him of my mistakes in the marriage and telling him that I do want to be reconciled but only under God's guidance. He never really responded to the letter. The only time we talk is when I have to call him up about the seperation agreement otherwise he would never call me. He called me once to send him his passport. He has the seperation agreement now, so I don't imagine there will be any contact between us.
I am really trying hard to rely on God at this point. I have been a Christian all my life, but God was never in control, now I am trying to change that.

Shuga, yes please email me if you can.

Thanks
Cheryl

Shugah,,I just wanted to relate to you on the cards and notes they send. You read them and shake your head and wonder if they meant it at the time or were they just stringing you along. It just like putting a knife in your heart and twisting it.

Cheryl

Hi Girls,

My computer quit on me, so I had to get it reformatted. Its been a tough few days. Had to go see the lawyer today and started crying in front of him, it made me mad because I always seem to cry at a drop of a hat. I still don't have a job and I am starting to panic. I told my daughter today that I wished I was about 3 years from now. I am still so confused about whether I want my H back or not. Some days when I am feeling lonely, rejected I want him back (yet he has never really been there for me)and times I am so angry I want him dead so he cannot hurt me anymore. Goodness did I just say that lol. I can't seem to get myself out of this rut I am in. I know everyone keeps saying go on, get on with life, but the life I have to face seems so hard and not one I wanted. How do you get out of this depression and find some joy. How can someone that say they love you make a 360 and treat you like a piece of dirt, like you never existed in their lives. How can they turn around and give thier love, time, attention to someone they hardly know. The OW gets all the good stuff and we are left with the ****. Thanks for listening,, just having a bad day

Cheryl

Cheryl,
I hear ya!
None of this is fair.
Trying to understand a WS deep in "FOG" is near impossible!
Use this time to work on yourself, get yourself in a good place, so that whether your WH comes back or not, you have done your work and are in a better place.
Even if WH comes home, things need to be "different", if it's the same, history could repeat itself. But all you can take care of right now is YOU!
Getting a job is a great start, I wish you luck, that's not easy, but it's a big step.
Re-discover those things about yourself that got lost along the way, things you've put off while taking caring of others, reconnect with old friends, hobbies, take a class...
I myself still need to work on this area...but I"m getting there, going out with friends more, reading, hot soaks in the tub w/candles,etc. Just taking time for ME! It helps ease the stress a bit!
Counseling has helped also.
Consider anti-depressants...talk to your doctor about options. I found that taking something mild to help me get a good nights sleep was what I needed...so I've been able to avoid anti-d's so far.
Don't let yourself get run-down, you need a clear head, stamina...
I too cried at the lawyers office...I'm sure they are used to it!
You will find that over time your emotions will settle down. I still cry and sometimes out of the blue...but just not as often. I still get angry and I continue to ask myself "WHY?"
Hang in there Cheryl.
Take the steps necessary to keep yourself healthy, physically and emotionally.
Post often, venting helps, ALOT!
I e-mailed you yesterday, with your computer down,you may not have recieved it. I'll try again when I have a minute, that way you'll have my address. Can't post it here.

Cheryl

Yes, it sucks and it's not going to be easy.

I second everything Shugah says - remember that you cannot change your H or even try to understand him whilst he is in the fog.

Concentrate on you. Make a plan to work on yourself. What are you doing for yourself? I expect some answers here!! If you are having problems finding paid work, could you do a couple of hours voluntary work a week - something that means you have to focus outside of your current problems.

Keep posting here - it helps alot.

Take care and wishing you well.
Lisa

I also have been married a long time. My situation is a bit different though-my FWH and I were very much "in love" (whatever that means) when we got married and I don't think he has had previous As.

Despite these differences, I would say that the course of this for you will probably be like mine. My FWH was used to being a family man. He prided himself on this. Therefore, he wanted to make his life with the OW like the life he had with me. He tried to make a new family. Of course that failed. It will fail in your case, too. The OW apparently is not a family-type woman. She does not have the history that you have with your WH. He will try to make it work but it won't! He will try to teach her to be like you. That will piss her off. My FWH tried to even teach her my recipes. They are so crazy when they are in the FOG. I'm not even sure if he was conscious about what he was doing. Your WH has been with you his whole life. You are his life partner. He will want to come back. However, you will need to do that AWFUL PLAN B and let him have the opportunity to miss you. My FWH said that he missed having someone that shared his history. Hope you hear me, Cheryl.

Shugah is right about trying to find some enjoyable things to do. This may be the only time you have to spend alone as Mortarman told me. Now I'm secretly missing my free time. Also you will be more attractive to your WH if you further develop your own identity and become stronger.

Hang in there. The A will end once it's allowed to run its course. It will self-destruct on its own. Give the OW chance to fail. She will!!

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

HI Mimi 1254:

Thanks for your reply. My husband has been trying to get out of this marriage for years. Like I said in my first post, he went away to another province to work to get away from everything here. I don't know if he is trying to make the OW like me.

My next question is, I really wonder if this affair will sizzle out. What it if does work out between them. Its so hard not knowing what he is doing, or if things are going good or bad between them. He has no contact with me unless absolutely necessary. HOw do these guys go from living one kind of life with a person to a totally different life with a person they have known a short time.
Confused

Cheryl