Hello CA - this message will be waiting when you get back from the Dentist!!
Yes, waffle is babble. I'm sorry, I have so many American friends, they all know me by now and the English/Lisa-isms I use!! It is funny you say about not knowing anyone in London and what it is like. Last night I was talking to my friend's daughter who lives in Boston and is 5 years old. My friend told me she has become obsessed with England and all the time says things like "What are the people in England doing now?" "If we're eating breakfast now, what are the people in England doing?" When she came on the phone to chat she said "What are you doing now?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Anyway, more waffle!!! I believe that addictive personalities can often go hand-in-hand with the WS. I always refer to myself as an "All or nothing" sort of character - why eat one cookie if you can finish the pack? Why smoke one cigarette, you may as well have 40...... You know what I mean?
Back to you..... I think I hear what you are saying. It's just not going to be easy. That's the bottom line. Depression is a hugely difficult thing to deal with. I never really wanted to take the route of anti-d's but finally sucummbed. I only used them for 2 weeks, but it was enough to get me through and back on track. Perhaps this is something you should consider. I know for me the first 6 months after d-day were hell. It only started to calm down after X moved out. I felt incapable of doing anything at all - I wanted to lie in bed and not move. Being self-employed it was a possibility too...
So, the age old question, what are you doing for you? Do you like exercise? I am a real supporter of exercise, because I *know* how much better I feel if I exercise regularly. What about treating yourself, getting your hair done, nails painted. If you don't have too much spare cash, can you get to the library take out some interesting books, get creative, paint, draw? Whatever it is, find something for you, that you can enjoy and focus on as a way to lift your depression.
Your depression will of course make it incredibly difficult to be loving and caring and fully committed to your M. If you don't care about yourself, it's nigh on impossible to care for someone else.
You're not wasting your time trying to change yourself. Answer me this question, do you honestly like the CA who had the A? I know I really don't like the Lisa who had the A - she was selfish, self centred, egotistical and all out for herself. I don't want that Lisa to ever come back again. I know she has helped to make me who I am today, but she wasn't particularly nice.
It also seems that you have a lot of issues that you need to work on yourself, issues from your past. Until you find some peace within yourself, I think it is inevitable, that you will find your life rather boring and that you are thinking too much - analysis is paralysis as my friend would say.
It's hard. No-one said it would be easy. I'm going to say something not very MB here too, but not all Ms work out. Sometimes, recovery is personal rather than marital (that's how it was for me). But if you don't give it your very best shot (in terms of yourself too), wouldn't you regret it?
Start making a plan of things that you can change or would like to change - new hobbies, goals, hopes - make some small changes, even if it is something like "I'm going to exercise twice a week".
And CA, most importantly, keep talking with your H. How's he doing in all this? Are you having MC?
Hope the dentist didn't hurt too much.
Wishing you well from London
Lisa
