I can finally say that I wholeheartedly consider myself to have a MB Success Story. My marriage is better than it has ever been. So even if I only live to the end of this day I can thankfully say that I have spent some of the best times ever with my FWH in the past few weeks. I can say that I love him with all my heart and that he also loves me. This is not just a feeling. He keeps demonstrating his love to me, daily and hourly. It seems like a miracle but it took hard work. It continues to take hard work. PLAN A FOR LIFE!

I am so appreciative for the help I got on this forum. I wish I can give back at least some of the assistance that I have gotten here. I often do not feel adequate to do so. However, I hope any of this information that I can provide about my situation can help someone.

First, MY STORY , for those who are not familiar with it. My D-Day was one year ago. I found my FWH in a hotel with the OW. He stayed home for about 6 weeks after that all the while planning his move into a condo. During that 6 weeks, I did MY PLANa.k.a. PLAN A with coaching from Steve Harley, Melody Lane and Worthatry. It was a struggle. FWH picked fignts with me, continued to spend the weekend with the OW,etc. It was awful. I hate to recall that time at this point. However, I persevered.

When he decided to move out, I responded with the Dobson LOVE MUST BE TOUGH approach but continued with MY PLAN in any of his interactions with me. You see, he was consistently a cake-eater, never really wanting to stop all contact with me. A week after he moved out, I made a mistake of agreeing to see him on the side with him promising to come back home. I've since learned that he was mainly hooked into her, seeing me out of guilt. Also, my PLAN A had worked but he wasn't convinced that my changes were lasting.

He eventually came back home in April, moving in all the furniture from the condo except the bedroom suite, of course. This turned out to be a false reconciliation with him doing the same thing he did with her, maintaining contact with her after moving home. I continued with MY PLAN though throughout this time.

He moved back out in May. At that time, I finally got a legal separation. The legal separation had not been necessary because my FWH had left me assess to the checking account. I would take out the money I needed each month. However, I eventually realized I needed to protect myself legally from him.

With urging from the folks here, I reluctantly went to PLAN B. FWH continued to cake-eat, didn't get the condo furniture back, finally left the condo and moved in with the OW. What a financial waste with him buying that condo which sits empty now by the way.

The turning point was when I sold my house. It sold in a day and I found a new house. FWH knew that I was moving on. He called me that very day, saying "What about us?" He did detective work and found the house that I was purchasing, felt guilty that I was moving down and agreed to make financial arrangements for me to move into a better house that I moved out of, a house that we could live in together, a house that he also liked. This was the TRANSITION STAGE OUT OF PLAN B. He needed the roadmap of how to come home. Mortarman guided me through this! I was in a battle for my marriage.

FWH came home in September after doing a NC letter and a session with Steve Harley. However, he did regain contact with OW about one month later. This was picked up by PEPPERBAND who helped me through this stage. I should have known because WH started picking fights again. He was trying to veer me off of my PLAN A so that I would lovebust. As Steve Harley indicated, I did not fail like he wanted me to!!!

His plan was to leave again on October 15th but he couldn't do it. I said "I love you" to him on his way to work that morning and he said "I love you" back to me. He said that he knew then what his choice had to be. He called the OW on the phone in my presence and told her "I LOVE MY WIFE". What we were doing is wrong. You need to go on with your life. This is the end. CLICK.

Since that time, he has followed all the rules of RECOVERY. He gave me access to even his secret bank accounts. He calls me hourly. He buys me presents. He answers any question that I have about the A even though it evidently pains him. He is tearful each time. We are on the same cell phone account. We spend all of our free time together. Even again this morning he said, "I'm sorry for all this".

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: this may be a repeat of what I have said before:

FOLLOW THE MB PRINCIPLES AS CLOSELY AS POSSIBLE. I am a believer in these principles. My H and I follow them to this day. My H quotes Steve Harley although he only had one session with him. It was necessary for me to do the whole process, including PLAN A, PLAN B and RECOVERY. It may be necessary to do modifications according to your own situation. This was allowed in my counseling with Steve Harley although I know that I had the advantage of his coaching.

TRY TO REALLY BUY AND UNDERSTAND THE ADDICTIVE ASPECTS OF AN AFFAIR. This has been a key in my situation. This was always stressed over and over again to me by Steve Harley. My H was not aware that I had this knowledge but has confirmed this over and over again to me. He even told me yesterday that it was not HER. It could have been any woman that gave him that FEELING OF EUPHORIA. However, he loves ME , the person that I am. He really didn't know HER. They were playing a fantasy game. When he had to deal with her in reality, when he moved in with her, he found out that she was "just like any other woman". Yesterday he called her "basic". He said that they pretended with each other. I still catch him telling me stuff about himself and I will say "I already know that".

IDENTIFY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IN YOUR PLAN AND BY ALL MEANS STICK TO YOUR PLAN. This is in reference to the ENs that you did not meet that created the climate for the A. Plain and simple, I neglected my H. He needed admiration, attention, physical affection, domestic tranquiltiy and sexual fulfillment. I failed him on all of these. I understand now how easily he was tempted by another woman. I am tops in all of these areas now. It was my job as a wife and I did not fulfill it. This is no excuse for him solving his problem by turning to someone else . However, it is important for me to acknowledge and to work on my part. In fact, that's all we can control. This is an important MB principle that must be understood and followed. I remember Steve Harley telling me from the very beginning that your WH can fall in love with you again if : there was love for you in the PAST , if you are acting loving to him in the PRESENT (MY PLAN) and if he believes that he can love you in the FUTURE. The last step took time. He did not believe that MY PLAN would last. It did. Now we love in the present and are planning our future.

Well, enough said for now.

I sometimes think that I need to stop coming to the site because I don't know if I can be helpful. Also, it brings back bad memories for me. However, I want to help others as I have been helped here.

I hope this helps somebody.

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

It did.

thanks

Yes Mimi, you will help people. You will give them hope - as Hopeful_Person and others here. That things can work out. They didn't for my M, but for me, recovery has been personal. You give me hope too for a better future when I meet "Mr Right".

I know how draining it can be coming to MB, and sometimes I have little holidays and then come back. If even one person says thanks and that I have helped them, then I feel that my A wasn't necessarily in vain. It means, that I have learned from it, and am now helping others.

It is a lovely story, thank you for sharing.

Wishing you and Mr Mimi well in 2004

Lisa

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

What a wonderful outcome, Mimi! I am so very happy for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for laying it out so nicely.

A great post, mimi. Congrats!

You are more qualified than I to help others here, just do it!

WAT

I forgot to also give my special thanks to : ESPOIR , my MB soulmate and lifesaver throughout all of this, CHRIS who tried to keep me on track during PLAN B, and to KEEPMVNFORWARD for his great wisdom.


Love to all of you guys!!!

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi!
You know how excited I am for your success!
I also appreciate all the support that you have given me and others.

Maybe sometime you could tell us more about what your H was thinking/feeling during the A, as he shares it with you.
It seems to be the one of the major things that BS's are always asking, "What is my WS thinking?"

It still drives me nuts sometimes!

Shugah,

Unfortunately, sad to say, he thought that he was in love with her and that she was his true love. He was even thinking about starting all over again with her. He does not feel that there was anything that I could of done about this once he was caught up in the addictive fog of the A. Everything about her was good then and everything about me was bad in his mind. The OW played on this and knew her power over him, making feel like he could not make it without her, that she was his "last chance" at a happy life, that he could not "have fun" without her. YUK!! Me staying in PLAN A helped fight this delusion. In quiet times, he could think back on me in my PLAN A. He had forgotten about our past history together, could only remember more recent good times with me.

The key was PLAN B. Once he had to spend undivided, day to day time with her he began to see her flaws. He began to see the real her. He started to miss me. He started to feel more guilty. I imagine she began to LB. She began to push for commitment. She even wanted to have his baby. YUK! He was even thinking about doing this. YUK!

Shugah, I get concerned about you going ahead with D at this point. Your WH seems on the fence. That might push him to her side with him feeling like it will be impossible to get back with you. My FWH has said that at a point he thought he had no choice but to stay with her although he did not want to. He could not see a way out of his situation until I indicated that the door was still open even though I was proceeding with buying the house. This was at the point when he knew he did not want to commit to her but she was pushing for it.

Shugah, probably like your WH, the family piece was important to my H. He wanted to be a father again, not just a lover. He wanted to feel proud of himself as a caretaker for his family. Is ther a way that you can propose for you and your WH to work on your financial situation together as a team without getting a D? How about filing for bankruptcy? Just a thought.

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi,
Bankruptcy will be complete at the end of january.
I'm not sure I really have any other options financially at this point. Accessing the annuity through a D settlement is the only way to dig out of this hole. It sucks that this is the only option.
I just sent another Plan B letter, so he knows I still want to reconcile. He also knows, that the annuity fund is the best way to solve this right now. (Who knows, maybe that's his motive for sticking out this A like this, he's certainly made enough comments that got me thinking it might be) He even asked what the lawyers response was to my question, what if...I get this money and then we don't finalize the D? Now, why would he care??
So I don't know Mimi, either way, I have to think about the kids.
I need to take care of them, obviously WH is not going to work with me on this!
It sucks though. Although, I'm not so sure WH is still on that fence.
More later..

Good for you Mimi!

And you have helped, you really have, don't ever believe otherwise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

BUMP for EMPTYHEARTACHES!!!!

Wow what courage and determination Mimi my hats off to you....hat only I am afterall a married man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ...happily might I had! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And mimi yes you can help others by telling and retelling your success story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Good thinking, Mimi!

mimi

You have already made a difference:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=013473#000013