Hi all-

When last I posted, I was in a bad place. I was very angry and insecure. My rage was in control and I was allowing my emotions to convince me that I was unworthy.

After much contemplation, I realized that it wasn't guilt that was driving me. Lisa, I chewed that over with an open heart. The problem is that when a person is ini pain, they tend to mask the pain and talk themselves out of facing it. As long as I stayed angry and bitter, I didn't have to look at what was wrong with me. My vulnerabiltiy was masked by my rage at x. Yet another form of running away...

So, last night, I finally arrived at the wall. I was feeling so much hurt, and I found myself in a typical old pattern of just driving in my car, to nowhere...I was running away from my pain again. When I realized that, I pulled my car over at a pond near my house. I simply allowed the pain in. I began to cry in a way that I hadn't in a while. My whole body shook and I began to pray for healing. After about an hour, I went home and tried to be as "in the momment" as I could for the boys.

Once they went to sleep, I began to peel away the mask. What I finally arrived at was that I am really afraid. This job loss thing has really affected me more than I wanted to admit. I finally acknowledged that I'm feeling like a big loser. I've worked so darned hard to build something out of my life and then it gets torn down in one minute. I feel very inadequate. I'm feeling as if no one will ever want to hire me at a decent wage. My biggest fear is that I will be penniless and live on the street.

I recognized that my anger at X was based on the fear that his rejection of me. My mind keeps telling me that X saw me as the loser that I am and that he walked away because he knew some truth about me that my last employer finally came to see; that I am a great actress and that there is nothing of substance underneath the great facade.

Of course my heart knows the truth. It's hard to turn the noise down though, when you're afraid.

Part of my anger at him was covering something hard to admit. X took care of me like a father took care of a daughter. I don't have that kind of safety net and I'm scared that if I fall that far, no one will be there to rescue me. My mind wants to be able to retreat to a time where I felt safe because it's afraid. The fact is, I don't WANT to be taken care of...I want a partner that loves me for who I am. I need to love me for who I am too.

I'm not angry anymore...I'm exploring my fears and learning my next lesson. Funny, didn't I mention that this is exactly what I preyed for three weeks before being laid off?

Finally, something happened on Saturday that left me with a very strange feeling. X and I had a therapy session with this group. This time though, we brought DS in to play a game with us. The game was designed to get you to talk about feelings, thoughts, and dreams.

X consistently landed on the feeling squares, eventually, he had to talk about the best day of his life, the most painful experience he's ever had, and various little things. I found myself in tears prior to each of his answers. It was a very difficult thing to experince, let alone describe. The thihng I found most unsettling was that I "KNEW" exactly what his answers were going to be. As he sat there in his chair, I felt his thoughts going through my head. I hadn't felt a connection to him like that in a few years and I was astounded that it was still there as clear as it was back then.

I felt a very deep loss at the end of that session because his answers are exactly the same answers I would have given. Our biggest joys, and deepest sorrows are the same.

As I was leaving, I happend to look at him while he was seated in his car. For a moment, he looked at me, and I saw him holding back his tears. Did he feel that connection too and was mourning the loss of it?

I thought it was quite an unusal reaction to a simple child's game...

Regret, anger, sorrow, pain....fear. lot's to work through.

At least I'm not feeling as hopeless and empty like I did last night. I just wionder if I will ever be able to completely let go of my fear.

You've been through a lot kily. And you're healing from a lot. That doesn't happen overnight. Congratulations on realizing this new level in your healing path. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

((((( kily )))))

You're doing GREAT!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Kily,

I sat here reading your post and had many thoughts. The first was about your fear after losing your job. I as most men can understand your fear. If you are the only one working, then you really are out there without a net, and it is scary.

I lost a job at 50. I had never had that happen before and it was very scary. To add further insult to injury most people don't want to hire someone that is 50. Ultimately I started my own company, and as they say the rest is history. But, the fear has NEVER left. I KNOW there is no one to depend on but myself.

Yet... you must realize that the two great motivators in life are "fear and greed". My father explained that to me as a teenager, and as I got older I realized he is right. The greed may not be money or even power, but people that want something often get things done. The fear is actually most often the fear of failure and most of us face that in our lives.

It seems to me you have come to some very basic truths about yourself. My post is to tell you that you are NORMAL. Most people "fear" and of the many causes "failure" is the biggest one.

I also understand your feelings about your worth following being let go. They are also normal, so while they are not comfortable, accept that you are reacting as most do.

As for the connection to your exBF, you will learn to know another man like him, but there will be huge difference. You will KNOW how to handle the relationship this time. You know your strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, and reactions. That is a big thing Kily. You are learning about yourself on a daily basis.

I do hope you go to school and finish that degree. I don't think you realize how much that will help you. You think you are training to be an engineer, but really you are learning to think, analyze, struggle, and solve problems. Those skills are valuable in many many fields. Don't limit yourself, but do your best to finish that degree. You will be doing both of your sons a huge favor if you do.

Hang in there girl. You are doing better than you realize.

God Bless,

JL

((((Kily))))

Somtimes, I don't know what to say (now those that know me will tell you that is somewhat shocking <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), but you seem to know yourself so well. You have the ability to search deep inside and come up with the answers. That takes a lot of courage and strength. That is someone who looks fear in the eyes and stands up to be counted.

You have come a long long way Kily. I hope we all have. I leave the wise words to JL, but know that we are all here routing for you and wishing you peace and the very best in your life.

Lisa