I’m confused on my next steps?


On my last postNEW YEARS? AND DISASTER W/OW!
[URL=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=026221

I wrote how OW had been calling WS from the 31st through the 3rd and Well, I need input on where to turn to next. Many of you have helped me tremendous help, melodylane, Lupolady and sodisappointed thank you again for your help, but I’m at a cross road in this triangle and I’m just lost on what should happen? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Here it goes:

WS has been speaking with OW but hasn’t been seening her on the 3rd they had about a three hour conversation in person with regards to all her questions “Why did you stand me up?”, “Why do you keep hurting me?” Why can’t you let Marilyn go?” Yada..Yada…Yada <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ! He returned to my home (Something I thought he would not do) and said things were different and he wanted to work on us! Ok here comes the 4th, he went to work and around 7:0 I asked if he had talked to her, he said “NO”, but he seemed a little distant. I didn’t question him again, but I did tell him I wanted the items I requested such as changing his phone #, Password to his email and his cell account and N/C letter. He again had no problem, but at about 10:30 a text message AGAIN comes in where it states “HOW DID YOUR TALK GO? R U COMING OVER?” I asked " what talk is she talking about and did he talk to her today? He then admitted HE had called her, but had decided not to leave”, She kept texting for him to call her, I became enraged I asked him to “leave my home!” Not to mention other wonderful thing I yelled, and he refused. He begged and pleaded, he expressed remorse for calling her (AGAIN!), he said “he didn’t know why he does these thing!” I was so upset it took him a good hour to calm me down, I just wanted him gone, so I told him to call her in front of me and tell her “He wasn’t coming over and that I was with him as he made this call and he was going to work on our relationship and would have no further contact with her!” It took him an hour and a ½ so I finally dialed her # for him, since he wouldn’t leave or call I dialed the number and he spoke with her for a total of 52 seconds.

Now here is my problem: I don’t believe him. I don’t think he is strong enough to stay away. He WILL end up calling her and leaving again! He keeps telling me he “has never not left after speaking with her”. But since April he has not not been with her for more than a week! AND I don’t think I can stand by him as he goes through his withdrawals and mourns another woman? Any thought. I just can’t even think. I have had a total of maybe 1-hour sleep, actually we both have.

One more thing: after calling her he expressed regret for calling and told me he wanted to leave but had made a decision not to. He tossed and turned all night moaning and groaning, “I DON’T THINK I CAN DO THIS”!!!!!!!

PLEASE HELP

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: emptyheartaches ]</small>

I don't know your story. However, it's important for you to do PLAN A. Are you doing PLAN A which would mean no LBing and working on meeting your WH's ENs? PLAN A should be your focus right now. Try to calm down and to not be desperate. Moaning and groaning and desperation is not considered attractive to a WS.

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Empty, I honestly don't know what to tell you outside of what we told you on your other thread. The only answer, as far as I can see, is to go to Plan B. Please reread mine and the other posts on your other thread. I still think that is the best plan of action, especially since this has been going on now for well over a year.

As long as you keep doing what you're doing, your H will just keep doing what he's doing. He has no motivation to stop. You will stay in constant pain and never move forward.

Did you consider my advice to look into antidepressants? I think you might greatly benefit from them. This is a very emotional situation and they would help you get a grasp on your emotions.

Melodylane,

You are correct, a plan B is the way to go it's only been 2 days for him with NC and he is acting like a child. He tells me he wants to leave, but knows in his heart if he does it's the end of the road with me and this makes him scared.

But if and when he does leave (since it's been a pattern since April, not that I am being pessimistic) Plan B it is, maybe that will just lead me to be Happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> even if it's not by his side. However, your are right this has gone on long enough and doing the same things are not going to get me a different result <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

Thank you for everything!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Marilyn

Hang in there, Marilyn.

You got good advice on your other thread, but we know it's not easy to follow it through. I have a feeling you're a very strong woman...stronger than you or your H think. Just remember, you CANNOT control your H's actions or decisions. You can only control your actions -- respond, but don't react. Try to remain calm and level headed. Keeping your peace IS possible in this situation, as long as you remember it only comes through God.

My advice: Pray often, insist that peace reign in your home, and be good to yourself. You deserve it.

Lori

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: at peace ]</small>

THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK YOU TO ALL. I can only thank God for having this site and friends like I consider everyone here to be.

May God be with us all!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by emptyheartaches:
<strong> Melodylane,

You are correct, a plan B is the way to go it's only been 2 days for him with NC and he is acting like a child. He tells me he wants to leave, but knows in his heart if he does it's the end of the road with me and this makes him scared.

But if and when he does leave (since it's been a pattern since April, not that I am being pessimistic) Plan B it is, maybe that will just lead me to be Happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> even if it's not by his side. However, your are right this has gone on long enough and doing the same things are not going to get me a different result <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

Thank you for everything!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Marilyn </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marilyn, I recommended Plan B FOR NOW so that you don't have to see his affair up front and close. Has he ended contact? Has he sent a no contact letter? The idea is to stay in Plan B UNTIL he has ENDED the affair and MADE CHANGES, such as a demonstration of a committment to your marriage. What is his plan to restore the damage done to your marriage? Or is this more of the same?

Melodylane:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Has he ended contact? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">& </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has he sent a no contact letter? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last contact he has had was 12/4 when during a major argument after receiving a text from OW he admitted to having contacting her again! He then had to tell her he was staying with me and would have no further contact with her.
So for the past two days he has had no contact even though I think if it was up to him he would be over there. He keeps asking me "WHY CAN'T HE JUST STAY AWAY FROM HER", "WHY CAN'T HE LEAVE ME AND STAY WITH HER AND TRY A NEW RELATIONSHIP?"

Those are questions I can't answer, I believe he does care deeply for me, we have been together so long and I have helped and taught him so much, but for some reason he just hasn't been able to stay with me, hence this horrible roller coaster ride we've been on for the past seven months.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is his plan to restore the damage done to your marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is trying, but its too soon to tell (Only 2 days) and his withdrawals are horrible? Is that normal? He wants to leave and go back to her, but is afraid this time will be the last time I will try and that is the only reason he has hung in! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Any thoughts? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I've been through this process with my FWH and had the benefit of counseling with Steve Harley.

It is recommended for you to follow the MB Principles as closely as possible in order for your Recovery to be sucessful. Also, I would hate for you to go through the False Recoveries that I did.

This means that he needs to write her a NC letter. You can find a sample in the book Surviving an Affair. He needs to show you the letter and you need to mail it together. Otherwise, he's still on the fence and liable to go back to her. See the A as an addiction that he is having a hard time giving up. It has to be done cold turkey with a promise of never having contact with her ever again.

Believe me this is the only way. I've been there Empty Heart!!!!

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

He's really fragile right now? The last call which was done in front of me he advised her "he wanted to work on his relationship with me and knew she would respect having no contact with each other" (I believe "SHE" will stay away), do you thing a NO CONTACT LETTER is also needed?

He has major withdrawals and I am also having a tough time seeing it and thinking I shouldn't have to put up with someone yearning to be with someone else! Last night I asked why is it he hasn't left, he replied "Because of two things, first that you will never let me come back and the second that I know after 3 days I will miss you terribly and it would be to late to come back"
he's also stated that he has done so much damage to OW that it would never work? What’s that all about!

Can you call the Harleys for counseling? You are at a CRITICAL point right now and your marriage could easily go either way. I would try and ride this out with him, but if he contacts the OW, you really have to go to Plan B immediately. Like Mimi said, this may be another false recovery so just be prepared. Please consider calling the Harleys, they could make all the difference right now.

I would love to but we are barely making ends meet, believe me that's also a BIG pull in OW direction, since she is VERY VERY Well off. WS and I (Before all this) were making EXCELLENT money, but he lost a 19 year career (police sergeant, almost detective CAN YOU BELIEVE IT) and I was lost my job and have had to take a pay cut (I'm just grateful I'm employed) and the attorney's fee's which OW paid in advance have been paid back to her IN FULL.

IN OTHER WORDS financially "WE" can't right now <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: emptyheartaches ]</small>

What's missing is him saying that he will never see or talk to again ever. If he does not say this, he's not ready to let her go yet. The Harleys give a reason for putting it in writing. I'm not sure what it is. Refer back to the book. If they think it's necessary, I would do it.

When he is going through withdrawal, it is important to focus on your PLAN A whatever it is. That means blowing his mind by meeting his ENs. I've realized that it is not a good idea to talk about her with him. It will cause him to miss her more. PLAN A involves having fun, distraction, etc. My FWH and I did landscaping, went on walks, went to the movies. Minimal relationship talk... The longer he stays away from her, the better.

The hardest for me was when my FWH continued to talk positively about the OW. She is your enemy! He has to eventually see that. It sounds like he continues to have attachment to her and is still in the fog. When in the fog, continue to believe or buy only a portion of what he is saying. FOCUS ON YOUR PLAN!!!! The longer he is able to stay away from her, the better. He wants to be with you, EMPTY. He remains addicted to her. Think of it as an addiction!! You have to know that he wants to be with you because you are his wife, his life partner, not for any other alien, foggish reason that he may come up with while he remains in the addiction.

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Well, wanted to give everyone an update! WS did it again!!!! Last night he advised me he was going by he's aunts house to pick up some stuff and would call me on his way back home and never called or went to his aunts, he admitted today that he went to speak with her! I guess their back together. AND I AM DONE!!!!

GOD THIS IS KILLING ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

Well, wanted to give everyone an update! WS did it again!!!! Last night he advised me he was going by he's aunts house to pick up some stuff and would call me on his way back home and never called or went to his aunts, he admitted today that he went to speak with her! I guess their back together. AND I AM DONE!!!!

GOD THIS IS KILLING ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

Hi empty, instead of just typing it all over again, I will refer you back to my earlier comments about Plan B. Hopefully you are motivated to do something to help yourself this time. That brick wall you keep hitting your head up against is looking a little old! Time to try a new wall maybe?!


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=026221;p=1

Empty:

Why are you saying you are done? This is a fignt for your marriage! It's not going to be easy but don't you feel like it's worth it to you?

Their relationship has a slim to none chance of making it even if you do pull out of this.

If you are really feeling done, it's time for PLAN B. This is a strategy, a PLAN that works. It works to make you into a better person for when and if your WH comes home and it has a high likelihood of bringing him back.

The A is an addiction. As much as we would like to have that power, we can't make the A end. It has to end on it's own and your WH has to come back on his own because he wants to be with you. My situation involved doing the PLANS and several false recoveries where he kept going back to her. It's part of the sickness of an A.

What you may need to ask yourself is are you in for the fight or do you want to give up? Do you want to hand your WH over to the OW? I chose not to give up and now after 3 months of NC with the FOW my FWH and I could not be happier. It took a full year of hard work on my part. It was the hardest year of my life but I feel like so much of a better person.

I wish this for you but it is of course your life and your choice.

Bump-

Somehow this got in the wrong order on the site.

Got it. I am in my plan B! My WS came over last night and we talked, I told him that he needed to see where it went with her and even though I loved him I just can't continue doing the same things and expecting a different result. Dont know if I did wrong, but I had to do something and it's evident she is not feeding all his EN? He cried, and told me he understood, he was going to be with her but knew he didn't want to be there. He stated that "he had been doing so well for two weeks, then on Monday he broke contact”, he also said "He didn't know why he did it, since he loves me". But as WE all know those are just words from someone fence sitting, right!

Wish me luck, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I will now concentrate on myself, on bettering me, moving AGAIN, and growing. Something good must come out of all the bad, I do believe this.

Thank you again for all your help, I'll still be here just very quite, reading and learning. Thank you for all the help you all give everyone on this site and for those of us who do not write much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Marilyn

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: emptyheartaches ]</small>