A theoritical question from a new member. I have read the prelims and still don't know how to handle this.

My W continues to communicate with an "Old friend" who predates me. They have know each other for over 30 years and she says he is a "confidant, business advisor, sounding board" for her attempts at developing a name for herself in the Art Show circuit. She talks with him weekly, but only when I am not around. If I come home all I hear is "Gotta go" and the click of the phone hanging up.

I have given her, in the past, tacit permission to talk with him as long as it is not clandestine or secretive.

The conversations still are secret though she knows I know they go on.

On his end he asks for "total privacy" so that his depression prone wife does not hear about the conversations and go "off the deep end". They both have PO Boxes and the cards go back and forth. I suspect but have no "proof" that they have met for lunch or dinners on more than one occasion. She denies it.

She is going on an extended Southern trip shortly and I know they have discussed his taking a business trip South for some business or other. Since he can make his own schedule it is no problem for him to pick a particular day or week and be totally on his own for that time.

My Question. At what point does a friendship and communication over the internet and phone lines become a EA or just an A. I have expressed my concern and have been told "You're being silly!" Maybe, but I thought I would ask others for their input on this issue.

Photoman,

I'm sorry, but the EA is there, and it's REALLY strong. She isn't hiding his calls (and he hiding hers) without reason. The guilt is starting to sink in. They don't realize why yet, but they are strongly drawn to each other. If not, why try to hide it from their respective spouses?

"You're just being silly" is the beginning of the defensive, "fog-talk" you may have read about here.

Now...want to try to stop this before it becomes a PA? Can you find a way to travel with her? Give up whatever you need to - vacation time, biz appointments, whatever it is your M is worth, and go with her. Only through accountability (your being with her 24/7) can you help prevent this from progressing further. Even then, it may not be enough.

How open is she to listening, reading, realizing what she may be doing and jeopardizing? Will she read Surviving An Affair? There is a very valid, very real, description of an EA in that book. She may recognize herself and get our while the getting out is good. Get her as involved as you can.

Take action...don't sit back and hope she "does the right thing" or "realizes what she's doing." She is caught up in the euphoria of this new addiction and she needs help.

Welcome to you, and I am sorry you're here, but you will get good support - the best you can find!

Photoman:

sorry to hear another guy is in trouble in this world. That's how my W started out on the Internet. She was telling me "It's nothing. I am just having fun. Just filling my time. You are silly, I would've never done that". She never let me see what she was talking about to those people on the Internet either...

It does sound like something is going on. I installed a SpyAgent on my computer. If I were I'd put a bug on the phone to see what they are talking about, but all the evidence is there. Get a PI if you are not able to go w/her on the trip. I'd gather as much hard evidence as possible and confront her w/it. And ONLY THEN talk to her about reading Surviving an Affair and other great books recommended on this site. Otherwise, she may just brush you of with the idea of reading it. Or she may even read it, but not take it seriously.

She may not even realize that she is having an affair, so you gotta prove it to her, show that she is doing something wrong. Hope this helps.