We made it through the holidays. January 3, 2002 was the worst day of this whole mess, worse than D-day. That's when I said "I want you to care about me more than Sophia" and he said "If it wasn't for the kids, I'd be long gone." I have gained 35 pounds in the two years since then. I simply sedated myself with food.

January 3 is also the 6th anniversary of Tom pushing down so hard on my forehead that I still have a lump. It's gone down enough that I could grow out my bangs in the last year.

Well, January 3 came around this time, and I took to heart the words of the MC: "I can see that I am going to have difficulty getting you to be intimate." Me? How am I the problem? Well, we haven't touched in 6 months, and my most important EN is physical touch. How could we rebuild our M if I don't even let him touch me? So I did. It's a start, a cautious start that is really a big step.

I appreciate those voices of encouragement I have gotten over the past few weeks, especially freom Iceprincess and victoria farrar. The last MC said that a corner needs to be turned, and maybe -- finally -- one has been turned.

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Congratulations!

Physical touch is my #1 or #2 EN, and I have recently found myself not wanting to be physically intimate with my H. I know how you feel - you know you're digging in your heels and preventing progress, yet it's so hard to let those walls down and allow him in to your vulnerable self, where you could easily be hurt.

You've taken a good step in the right direction, and I applaud you for it.

Dear BHAA:

I understand (from my own unfortunate experience in that field...) that at times it is more than difficult to allow a former violent H to touch you again. But touch that could be so painful in the past can turn into touch that is gentle and loving.

It is something that we have to deal with. To let the past memories fade and allow for new one's to make our life beautiful again.

You and I have to learn to defuse a situation and walk away. No matter who is right or who is wrong. No matter what questions you want answered. Walk away. Let things calm down. Talk about it at another time.

BHAA, you have to look for change inside yourself. You have to start controlling your thoughts. I have done what you were doing now. Negative thinking. But at most times you are in charge of which thoughts you allow into your mind. If that thought: "He loved OW more than me" sneeks up on you - block it. Tell yourself: I don't want to think about that right now. I'll think about it some other time. Then substitute that negative thought with a positive one like "Wasn't it so sweet of T how he hugged me yesterday" (o.k. now like Silver you owe me $25, this is from my genius IC...$150 an hour...I guess the woman was worth her money <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Substitute negative thinking with positive thinking. Give T credit for his trying. And please BHAA, keep up that change inside yourself.

That's what I did at some point. Read my old posts, they sound a lot like yours, remember? People here told me that I (!!!) had to change, I wouldn't listen to them. Guess I'm more stubborn than you. Be smarter thatn I was, my friend.

And one other thing: you seem to be concerned about your weight gain. Take charge there, BHAA. Like trying to think positive thoughts, your diet and what you actually put in your mouth is something that is solely under your control. Cut out the carbs, eat more meat and yogurt and proteins. You will find that after an egg and cheese omelett in the morning you are not hungry until 3 PM. Start exercising, start walking, start taking stairs. It's totally under your control. Start doing something about it and you will feel good about yourself again.

Hugs (((BHAA)))

This is good news and a start. It might not seem like much of one, but as IP has said small things are what will start to rebuild your relationship and establish trust. She is also right that you need to focus on yourself as well. I too turned to food as comfort and gained about 30#. I did not like myself very much and that added to my misery. But a friend said to me one day in a small quiet voice...'I never thought I would hear that defeatest attitude coming from you'. It was like a brick hit me and I realized that I WAS in control of what I did and thought, so I started walking.

Funny, I could only go about half a block at first, but I kept at it. After I learned of the A exercise became my release. Anytime I would start to dwell on things or have a poor me attack I would run. I got up to about 3m a day...so as you can see I was thinking a lot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But it really improved my attitude and cleared my thinking and kept me from killing my H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

I also got a very good book that I would highly recommend, Relationship Rescue. It helped me to discover a lot about ME and how/why I reacted to certain situations and triggers. I think that it had more to do with saving my marriage than anything else because it helped me to find me for the first time in my life and that person was someone very dynamic and a little kooky. As it turned out, just what my H wanted/needed in the first place...contrary to what I perceived he wanted for 20 something years!

It also helped me conquer my fear of honest communication; I mean after facing the fact that my M could be over there was really no reason not to be honest right?

It has been a long haul and next week will be 4 years post dday. A lot has happened, things have gotten 100+% better but it all started out very slowly with small things, just like you are attempting now. It takes time, and if you want your marriage it is worth it.

The MC told me that I have clear grounds for divorce, but since I am not ready for that, I have three choices:
1. continue in limbo indefinitely, waiting until I can feel comfortable being intimate
2. wait for Tom to make another mistake
3. test if we can create a great marriage

He recommended I dive in. It's scary, and it may not work, but I am going to do that. I have a sense of urgency here in part because I think my almost 10 year old daughter is headed for severe problems if I don't pay enough attention to her because of the problems with my relationship. I'm chaporoning a field trip for her class next week -- some special time that she really needs.

I have read Relationship Rescue and enjoyed it but didn't really take away much. It is hard to be vulnerable when you've been hurt so much, but I think I can go ahead recognizing that it just may not work but at least I am giving it all I can. The weight -- well, I think it's a sympton and will dissapate if there is some direction on our M.

Thanks for your encouragement! I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice.

<small>[ January 08, 2004, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>