I don't feel qualified to give advice, just what helped me. I HAD to stop focusing on my H and his A. We had many false recoveries and it has been a long road. All I can say is that until I stopped obsessing on what they might be doing I could not get my bearings. I did a lot of praying and working out and things that made me happy. Eventually I was able to read about Plan A and implement it and then even Plan B twice! I almost had to do it a third time, but thankfully their A had really pretty much died by then and my H could see that the rewards for continuing contact however "harmless" he felt it was were outweighed by the need to fully work on our R.
The ONLY person you can change is yourself. I read about codependency, about healthy relationships, about changing MY responses to my H's actions. That is all that we will ever be able to do. They control themselves, we don't do it for them. So the road to emotional health for me was acceptance of what had happened, what was in fact still happening and then fully letting go of what I didn't control. This took a LONG time and I am still working on it. But it is all possible.
I feel your pain and wish it were different, but believe me, you will take many wonderful things from this journey, even if your M does not survive. Loosen your attachment to the outcome of the M and work on your own changes in response to what he is doing. I am not advocating putting up with continued contact. I am saying decide what you will allow and accept in YOUR M. Plan A so he can see that you can be happy. If he won't do NC and end the A, you may have to do Plan B.
Read up on Harley's principles and also Shirley Glass's "Not Just Friends" to educate yourself and give yourself some perspective.
Hang in there!
