Goodwife

I like the way you can make things work for you.

We think along the same lines. Your a little ahead of me in terms that he leaves tommorow. I could only offer that when you feel sad and blue turn up some island music that you pick up in Puerto Rico and think of the fun. It helped me during new years when she went to Hawaii with my family. (She said she needed time alone yet she had alot of company) I don't get this FOG thing.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GoodWife92:
Your time during the apartment hunt is SO critical. Make it so she does not want to leave.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">goodwife brings up two really good points. one is in the quote above. i accompanied my wife when she went apartment hunting. i circled ads for her. rode shotgun to help with directions. i congratulated her and hugged her when she got the apartment she wanted (it was really beautiful ... hardwood floors, built-ins, vintage kitchen. i digress). i wrote the check for the deposit. and then two weeks later i helped her move.

the other thing she said in a previous post. it was about visualization. i didn't mention it because it made me feel hokey, but i used visualization a lot, too. it helped me to have a view of myself happy. i made it a habit and it kept me focused on myself instead of on my wife. you said you're a future oriented person. developing this skill should be easy for you.

you're learning. what you've written is encouraging and you have lots to be proud of. now just keep getting better.

<small>[ January 09, 2004, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

GW,
This is the second time she apartment hunts the first time she looked for 6 weeks, I was LBing most of the way, I didn't find MB till later.

I threaten her with filing and then I calm down as if I couldn't wait for her to go. Thats when I booked my vacation, and gave her a deadline to leave. All was set and two days before leaving she said she wanted to stay. I said OK and we had a good 2 weeks. BUT then I got suspicious again and noticed the phone calls on a calling card and I LB again.

This time I am trying to not LB but I don't have that much time on my first LB Last night as soon as she told me she had to go I said then go tonight but leave by next week. She told me today the place she was going to take is still available but she had to sign a lease and she doesn't want that but she may have no choice. She was also going to look at a place closer to home but it will probably be to expensive. In short no matter what I do the stuborness and the fact it didn't work out since last time she will leave no matter what.

I know now I made mistakes in the past but I didn't contact him again. She did.

You know what hurts alot, the fact that the OM is a class A loser and she deserves much better. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Goodwife,
Along the lines of a cheerleader it's her sister.
She is out to dinner with today. She went to her sister after a month of apartment searching to tell her we were having problems blamed me. Then I have been speaking to her sister since and she mentions nothing to her. Now she is going out to dinner again to tell her she is moving out again but this time her sister knows everything that happened since she got caught again. Her sister could not believe it but I asked her sister to look out for her during this rough time that I will be ok. She said no you can talk to me. So strange situation HUH?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goodhusband1:
I know now I made mistakes in the past but I didn't contact him again. She did.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this is wrong thinking. stop it. if you don't, you will continue to struggle.

Your a little ahead of me in terms that he leaves tommorow.
He left tonight <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> That is why I am here. Moving the focus of my mind off of my problems
I keep reading posts of those who are currently where I was as percisely 4 months ago.
offer that when you feel sad and blue turn up some island music that you pick up in Puerto Rico and think of the fun.
You make me laugh - THANKS
I don't get this FOG thing.
Well, how to say it - Every time she does something that totally LB to you - think "MY GOD, the fog is thick today - I didn't see that on the weather report"

Whippit, Thanks for the compliments - coming from you - it means a lot. I have read a lot of what you have posted in the past and you have helped me a great deal.

Visualize and Laugh at this situation. Try to find funny things in the worst stuff. I don't know if I should share this example, however, during this time (nov 18 exactly) I was super slueth. I "went to work" (not) and spyed on WH all day (he works from home). I saw and heard some things that I could not believe. It is this day that I realized how unhappy he was because of the foul stuff coming out of his mouth. Anyway, I was hiding in my daughter's "secret play room" and watched him checking porn sites and typing e-mail to OG and all sorts of other awful stuff. All I thought about was "I didn't know he could do "that" that many times in a row" I was no more than 10 feet from him the entire time and he had NO idea I was there. After he left - I raced to pee and was laughing at how silly this must look to God. This will be one of those days I will never forget.

Whippit
How are you tonight?
As you can see I'm focusing on no LB's.
I did tell her calmly that I am here for her and if she needed anything I will help, money or what ever, and I address only my pain no anger.

Do you recomend I help her find the apartment if she will let me, keep in mind she may accuse me of controlling where she is going again. And worse she will think I want to know where she is so I can spy on her.

OH I said to her she may want to get her own cell phone one that I don't see the bill, She said "OH great another expense But i don't have anything to hide from you , you can see who I call. I know it was a small disguised LB I realized it after.

Anyway don't hold back from being hokey.

Thanks

Goodwife,
Crank up the tunes and do a little dance. I think of it this way if your going to be sad at least smile and have a good time. Let that wonderful person inside come out for a little fun. His loss tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you recomend I help her find the apartment if she will let me, keep in mind she may accuse me of controlling where she is going again. And worse she will think I want to know where she is so I can spy on her.
Offer to help her in the sweetest way you know how. Make her breakfast, bring her coffee, tell her she looks nice, tell her you love her - These are plan A items. Spying is not Plan A (however should the mood strike you, let me know - I'm very resourceful)

OH I said to her she may want to get her own cell phone one that I don't see the bill, She said "OH great another expense But i don't have anything to hide from you , you can see who I call. I know it was a small disguised LB I realized it after.
NO LOVE BUSTING - ONLY DEPOSITS - come on - you seem like you understand finances - Think of it like this - your company is in trouble - times are hard - can you really afford to reduce your marketing? - NO

You are right - it is his loss and will be soon unless he straightens up and figures out what he wants. I can already visualize the surfing instructor

i'm doing well. thank you for asking.

i agree that it sounds like you're making an effort at eliminating your lb's. i takes some work. i bit my tongue. a lot.

one thing i recommend is that when you talk to her, you try and avoid telling her how hurt you are. you've said it. the case is made. she knows. there's no reason to keep telling her. plus, this is the part where you begin getting stronger, where you show her the man she wants you to be.

as for helping her look for a place, by all means, if she'll let you help her then do so. part of plan A is meeting needs where the ws allows. offer to help. if she accepts the offer, go along and be like one of her girlfriends would be -- a cheerleader. this is her place and she needs to make the decisions ... not you. remember, facilitate her solving her own problems.

if she declines your offer, respect her decision and let it go.

i know. none of what i just wrote makes much sense. in fact, it sounds downright idiotic. but few of your interactions with your wife will make much sense right now. i spent a lot of time listening to my wife and asking questions. women like conversation. give it freely.

i wouldn't beat yourself up over suggesting the cell phone. it may have been an lb ... it may not have been. that you mention it brings up a point about being a rescuer. again, turn over these decisions to her. bite your tongue. if she asks for help, give it. if she doesn't then keep your mouth closed.

you cannot rescue her from this chaotic world she's made until she asks you to do so. that will happen when the weight of dealing with it becomes too heavy. she will need someone to lean on and if you do things right more than you do things wrong, guess who it will be? you.

<small>[ January 09, 2004, 08:34 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

GoodHusband,

I did not see your post re: my location until just now...I am in Michigan

I do travel and in fact will be in NYC Monday - Wed this week.
Are you looking for support group?

Hello I'm back and I deviated from Plan A again.

WW went to get gas and took 45 min, when she got back I questioned and accused that did not go well. It's so hard to be nice when they are so inconsiderate.

She told me yesterday that she is moving out that for now she won't go to counseling maybe later maybe never.

Does Plan A still work? When they are so inconsiderate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I think Plan A does work - but you often times feel like a total doormat.

Visualizing or removing yourself is the best way to avoid LB. For example, if she were to go and get gas - its cold in NJ - offer to go with and pump for her or offer to go for her.
Do you think that would have worked.

Plan A basically reminds them of what it was like between you two when it was good. Reminds them that you are a kind person. Deposits into their love bank - but you never get much in return. Think of it like a retirement investment. It may not return the next day, but in the future.

plan A is not what they do. plan A is what you do.

don't beat yourself up. just learn from this and resume plan A. you'll get it.

It's difficult when they bagger you like telling you, your not my keeper, why are you being nice aren't you mad, like pushing me away then when I LB and push off, and tell her it's over I'm selling this is done, she cries and I feel horrible.

I find it hard to explain my feelings in type, they just eat me alive. Going back to the gas case when she got back her excuse was that when she was getting gas she thought of going tanning real quick, you Know to keep the color she got last week in Hawaii. I said yeah right next time you talk to him tell him I said HI!!!!!
She got upset and told me call the tanning salon and ask for me, ask how long ago did I leave. She dialed and I asked and yes she was there and had left ten minutes ago. I felt like crawling under a rock and I leave an image of controlling her it always seems to happen that way when I get so mad I lose sight. She keeps telling me it's over I don't want him he is no good for me, I just F^@%ked up getting to close with him, nothing happened and this is all about my feeling's, why she needs to move out. Now she is looking for an apartment closer to home then to be close to work. She is concerned about being alone and she is scared , she wants to be closer to her sister, but the closer she get there the closer she will be of home, She is confused.

Whippit your very knowledgable what do you make of all this?
I am close to running.

actually you are closer too pushing her out the door....


no disrepectful attacks...

plead your case honestly and with compassion..

It really scared me when you were gone so long...
I keep imagining the worst...

tell her you are sorry...

ark

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 06:32 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

GH,
Look forward to chatting later
I'll be in Long Island tomorrow afternoon - nothing tomorrow night, Tues meetings - Tues night with friend, Wed leave LGA around noon.

There is so much to talk about back and forth - I read what you are going thru and I was just there moments ago.

I know what you mean about the trust issue (gas, tanning, etc.) I found that when you moved the focus off of I don't trust You - where were YOU and changed it to "It makes me feel uncertain when I don't know where you are. Next time could you possibly give me a call to let me know? I am trying hard to offer my trust, but am scared to be vulnerable" something like that

Another thing I was thinking about over dinner w/ kids - Since she is home and working on it with you - have you completed the Emotional Needs Surveys together? I found this was pretty enlightening and helped me with my Plan A. There were things he noted that I didn't know he needed and it help in adding to the Plan.

Goodwife,
Yes I did say I thought something happened to her like since you haven't used your work car for 2 weeks I thought you broke down so I drove to the gas station were you go and you weren't there so I thought you were doing something else. Response was " your not my father I was watched and was followed when I was a kid, you are not going to do that now!!!!!!!!!! I don't have to account for were I go to anyone.

To add wood to the fire she told me that she doesn't think this is going to work out and she has to get out. She cancelled the counseling for tommorrow night, and keeps pushing me away. I just about had it I think I am going to change my strategy to being the sweet A$$ Hole who doesn't care that he was betrayed. Wait until she moves out, Look for a new home set my finances up and then serve her with the D papers. And call it a day. Why should I waste my time on someone who I have always been faithful, loving, and was willing to give up so much for her.
Talk about nice guys finishing last.

Oh by the way the movie was a romantic comedy in which the girl is in love with a blacksmith, but her father approves of the military captain only. Guess what happens in the end? She is happy, happy, happy. With the BLACKSMITH go figure she thought it was beutiful. She also admitted that it's been years that she did not feel for me and she didn't want to hurt me. As far as the books I got for us, His Needs/ her needs, surviving an Affair, well this afternoon before all this we went to BN for coffee I saw His needs/ Her needs and I said I get another copy. She said why you have one, I said well if you move out your going to take it and this way I can read it as well, she says well I'll return it when I am done.............She hasn't started reading it and she won't. I asked her to read the first 50 pages of Surviving an Affair it is exactly our story, as per her it's not(Everything but the sex part that never happened).????? Anyway she has read a total of 29 pages on the second day that I asked her to read that much for me and then she could decide if she wanted to read it. When I asked yesterday if she read the rest she said she would, I said but you read 29 pages two days ago when do you think you'll read the rest? Mind you that she was still off from work on Wed till Today and she didn't clean the house I did so when will she ever have time to read it. I swear sometimes I think she does all this to get me to get fed up and lose my temper and me leave the house. I am fighting what I think is her working it out half the time because it is what I want to hear, she's got my number.

It doesn't lookgood for her I keep telling her I don't want it to get ugly, she cries and tells me neither does she and she will always be my friend (Isn't that sweet) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Soory good wife don't mean to get negative I didn't mean to hurt anyone less alone you.

I hope it's not the case for anyone out there but I neede to vent and I hit send before I earsed the negativety needed to vent.

Go ahead do me a favor post a response.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

YUCK - I hate those kinds of nights and I have had plenty with WH - I know exactly what you mean!!

It is amazing how everything is always flipped to be your fault (it was my fault too)

When I was snooping - it was "How dare you invade my privacy" - Never mind that he was telling me one thing, sleeping in our bed, trying to be intimate, yet calling HER during the day to woo her back to the states

UGH - I know what you mean about venting
Please feel free to do it all you want - it doesn't hurt my feelings in the least...simply know that I hear you and understand exactly where you are at...it only seems like moments ago.

Plan A is so hard when they are so crappy. Plan B stinks too - I know you read my posts last night - I was really having a tough time.