Goodwife some strange stats

I 35
She 35
Married 11 1/2 years
affair discovered 9-19-03
d-day 10-05
d-day 11-05
she was moving out 11-22-03 (Cancelled)
Contact again 12-05-03
DDDD-Day 1-6-03 (found love letters
She moving out ????????? +/- 2-1-03

Well seems like we are almost the same person strange ?

Well if you get this while you are in NYC write back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Well I am considering waiting it out letting her leave and getting over her .

Then move on with my life. If she changes her mind, I will see where I am at then and decide if I will want to work it out.

In the time being can anyone help with suggestions on how to get by the following weeks while she is finding an apartment and moving out.? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Additionally she has gone to work today, she will see him, she tells me it's over but she hasn't seen him or talked to him since telling me it's over. Should I ask what happened or not? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

gh1 ... everything you've written since i last posted sez that you're pushing her out the door. is this what you want? if so, then continue to do things the easy way, the way you've always done them--the way that got you into this mess in the first place.

if you want to save your marriage you will do things differently. instead, you ask for advice and then ignore it. at some point, all of us will cut and run. and i do mean all of us: me, ark, goodwife, your wife.

now you can be impulsive and irrational like your wife. or you can be rational and strong and confident and better than you were yesterday. the first is guaranteed to push her right out the door. the second gives you a chance to lead her back your marriage.

i know you're in pain. i've been exactly where you are. my wife was downright vicious--she once called my manhood into question because i didn't make fun of a man with a stutter. she asked me to take care of some financial matters and then became angry with me when i tried to discuss the details with her.

i could have taken the bait numerous times. but things like what i described above told me that the woman i was dealing with wasn't the woman i married. so i let them go. not because i was weak. i did them because to do otherwise wouldn't save my marriage. in fact, it was my single greatest act of strength.

did it suck? yes. was it hard? yes. did i have days when i wanted to throw in the towel? yes. did i have days when i made mistakes? yes. but each day i woke up and i was still married, which meant i was still in the game. and if i was still in the game, i had the opportunity to do better than i did yesterday.

now what are you going to do?

Whippit,
I understand it is hard by what I read from everyone, I am getting to the point were I fear getting hurt again it hurts so much why keep sticking my hand in the fire. She is so confused i think it is best to be apart for both of us. She went to work today after a two week vacation a horrible weekend and she anticipated a horrible day. He will be there too for some time.

I don't know if she will tell him and finally end it. Apparently she has lunch with him and it's lunch time now. She called me about 30 min ago and asked me a stupid question I assume she wanted to hear me. I asked how her day was going she said she was having a horrible day that she had alot of work and 1 of her employee's took the day off without notifing her. I offered no solution I just said take it in stride tommorrow is another day. She then said ok I have to go I have alot of work. I'll see you tonight.

Should I call her and suggest going out to dinner she may be speaking to him now or maybe not?

what do you think you should do?

call to let her know I'm still alive and here.

why would she think otherwise?

the more you try to get close the more she backs off. that's just what happens. maybe you should try backing off a little, apply a little less pressure.

GH
Are you there?
Stats are similar - I need to update mine -just turned 35

My meeting on LI was cancelled (client has flu)

Just bought book "180 Degree Divorce Busting" - it is sad to read because am in NC, but I know it will make me a better person for understanding relationships and how to avoid this from ever happening to me again.

One thing in there that I thought was v. good re: your sitch - talks about the rabbit / fox cycle.
I'm on v. bad computer right now...more later

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: GoodWife92 ]</small>

Whippit, your right and I chose not to call because if she doesn't know where I am it's not worth telling her either. I need to get away from her in the sense that I'm attached to her and I'm to hopeful she'll come back. But as I read more I find that this is going to take awhile and there is no sense in rushing it. The only thing I would like is to have some peace in my head.

See before all this happened we were always together every night, every weekend, every holiday, all of our friends have kids and rarely do we go out. Others have moved away so for the past 4 years we have been each others best friend and we went out every weekend together spend time on the boat together acutually she still wants to spend her time with me. Somehow she snuck this EA in on company time and 3 or 4 Fridays right before I discovered it that we have been apart, even on those nights she got home by Midnight.

I don't understand how she wants me there only when she wants. It's as if I'm her security blanket but she wants to be a big girl and be free. That should have happened if she had gone to college not at 35.???????

I don't know anything I guess????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

See before all this happened we were always together every night, every weekend, every holiday, all of our friends have kids and rarely do we go out. Others have moved away so for the past 4 years we have been each others best friend and we went out every weekend together spend time on the boat together acutually she still wants to spend her time with me. Somehow she snuck this EA in on company time and 3 or 4 Fridays right before I discovered it that we have been apart, even on those nights she got home by Midnight.

This is the same story that most of the rest of us have. We just stopped doing stuff together. Over a couple of years our relationship shifted and nurturing it became less of a priority. It isn't a conscious decision usually...it just happens. Now things are different (for you anyhow). You have identified things that you don't like about the relationship. Chances are she noticed them before you did and tried to let you know (my wife did). Maybe she didn't tell you the right way and she came across as nagging. Now the OM is there and she can't see you attempting to change. This is where you plan A. You don't have to be a doormat for her. If she is nasty to you, tell her that you don't have to take it and walk away.

Like whippit says, it sucks. This will probably the hardest thing you will go through. She is going to do and say things that will rip out your heart. My wilfe told me that leaving the OM and coming back to me would be like going from college to kindergarten.

I don't understand how she wants me there only when she wants. It's as if I'm her security blanket but she wants to be a big girl and be free. That should have happened if she had gone to college not at 35.???????

She is being selfish. She has a house, a warm bed and the bills are paid. Cake eating at its best.


I don't know anything I guess?????

you know plenty and the learning curve is steep as hell. Alot of this will be trial and error on your part. It will get easier.

God Bless

Well I cancelled our MC appt. for tonight because she asked me to.
During dinner she spoke about her busy day at the office and how things went haywire during her vacation. I was polite listen and offered no response other than OK, OH yeah I see , I understand, So what happened then. And so on you understand what I mean.I kept my cool when she was quite for a while I mentioned that I called the MC to cancelled as she wished and that he asked if she would reconsider rescheduling?
She coldly said no not at this time!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to make of all this?
She has not picked up the Surviving an affiar book since last Thur. in which she read 29 pages and stopped. But yet she wants to have dinner, watch a movie with me, have coffee at Barnes and Noble talk about work but no talk about our relationship. I don't understand? I know maybe I am expecting her to start working anyday and it's not going to happen untilshe wants to and see'e that I am not focusing on it.

So to control my urge I come here and post and read and surf these treachorous water that are conforting to know I'm not alone in this mess and that others have the same problems. I don't feel like an Alien here.

Oh the fog is Heavy tonight be careful...........

I asked oh did you talk to anyone today, before I could answer she said who him, "No he was with his father (The Boss) all day, But that was not what I was going to ask....What I was going to ask was did you talk to anyone about apartments today. She then said she called a few and noone got back to her I said OK thats all. Well I'll clean up, she said no she would do it. So I got up and came here. Now she came up and is some where in our room or the bathroom. I guess she can't be on different floors.

Can anyone explain why she needs distance but wants to do things with me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The mornings are tough. She gets ready for work and leaves without a word.
In my mind she is going off to him.
She has not ended it with him as far as I'm concerned. She may not want to, I think she has more hope for him to leave his wife than for her and I to work it out. She always was hard headed, and undecicive why would she change now.

I feel like she needs to get away from me and her safety zone for her to get a clear head and make a decision for her self or let him make the decision for her. I would be fine with what ever decision is made. Then I can move forward.

I am also feeling no hope for us. Why should I?
We are two people in different places without a plan!!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goodhusband1:
In my mind she is going off to him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you don't know whether or not she is. stop focusing on the unknown.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She may not want to, I think she has more hope for him to leave his wife than for her and I to work it out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you may be right. she may have more hope that he'll leave his wife. this is where your behavior really counts. your choices are as follows:
1. continue doing as you've always done and push her away.
2. do things differently and become the better alternative.

these concepts are simple. but the implementation isn't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like she needs to get away from me and her safety zone for her to get a clear head and make a decision for her self or let him make the decision for her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">right now she doesn't have a safety zone. your behavior has actually created the opposite of a safety zone. part of leading your wife back to your marriage is creating safety within it. when you do the things you do that push her away it's destroying that safety.

if you want to lead your wife back to your marriage, then begin making it a safe place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would be fine with what ever decision is made. Then I can move forward.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">somehow i'm not convinced of these statements.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are two people in different places without a plan!!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ummm ... why don't YOU have a plan? we've been telling you for 70-some-odd posts that you begin with plan A if you want to save your marriage. why don't you have one yet?

I'm working on Plan A. It very difficult but I am trying to get in that frame of mind.
But when I get that feeling he is still around it gets even harder and I ask myself why try, You'll get hurt...... That's it.

from the vast wisdom of yoda:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do, or do not. there is no try.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and i'll repeat my own words, too:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">your choices are as follows--
1. continue doing as you've always done and push her away.
2. do things differently and become the better alternative.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">have you seen a doc about anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs? if so, are you taking them? if not, then make an appointment. you probably need them to help you get through this. believe me, your head will clear in a couple weeks time and this will all become easier--not a cakewalk, but easier.

if you are already taking anti-d's and they don't work, then talk to your doctor to find an alternative.

frankly, i have little time or patience for excuses. i know this is hard. i live your life each day. i'm not particularly special or extraordinary. i came here and paid attention and put what i learned into action.

you can, too. just choose to do so and put your plan into action. you're an entrepreneur who's overcome his fears to put a plan into action to build a business. draw on those skills now.

the fact of the matter is that the principles taught at this site are vital to having healthy relationships. period. if this marriage doesn't survive, what you learn here just might save your next marriage. but if you let these things go, then you'll continue to drag the same baggage with you into the next relationship. then guess what? brace yourself to deal with this mess all over again. there may not be infidelity, but the same sort of issues that create an environment for infidelity to occur will plague you. count on it.

Yes I have been to a doctor 1month ago. He found me to be OK, But that was before the letters I am scheduled to see him again Thur. I'm calling to see if he can take me today. I do need something for me. I also am going to stick to plan A but not for her as much as for myself. I am going to make this time while she is looking to move and do her thing as an oppurtunity to better myself for the next relationship. If that is her or someone else that person will like what they will get in return for there love to me.
As many of this site it is horrible to not be loved but it's worse not to be able to love.

Keep encouraging I will get it someday!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yes

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 08:26 PM: Message edited by: goodhusband1 ]</small>

Yes I'm still here.
Well I find it pretty amazing how when she wanted to get in touch with him before he was available, but now he has been busy, out of the office, at a different building away from the complex, running around. The way I see it either, he is avoiding her or she is avoiding telling him what she told me that it's over.

Well which everway it needs to go it will go.
Ark, whippit and other I'm controlling my LB'b for the third day now, but I am finding it hard to converse. She even has said your so quite, My response " long day at work and I'm tired.

I don't mind telling you "This is fustrating" and humiliating. Considering everything.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

goodhusband...

you can go the other route...

you can rant and rave....and express your pain...
and know from every part of my being I know you hurt...and that she hurt you...Plan A is not to deny that you are in pain...but how you act out that pain is something you can control...


You have plenty of options but when you can step back and really look at them and really weigh them out...which ones sound more appealing and which ones do you think will get her attention??

Apply labels and name calling to your wife...even the ones that describe what she has done...and she will shut down and not hear a word you say...

In fact some WS desire and want that...it solidifies and empowers them to unjustly rationalize their behavior and choices...

see i had an affair because you are so mean \
i had an affair because you yell
i had an affair because you don't listen to me...
I had an affair because you are so judging...

and this wonderful smoke screen goes up...and Ws doesn't have to address or look at their actions because everyone is so caught up in a pissing match....

You can go the guilt route....
how terrible the Ws is...
how creul...
and this feeds right in to the WS thought that what they have done is so unforgivable so utterly a scum of a person...that they could never redeem what they have done....and you are magically better off without them...

And it is easier to withdrawl and isolate themselves....than face that...

and often they isolate and withdrawl to the OP..because the OP is as guilty as they are...and together they can avoid any judgement or questions of their actions...

and you can say things to her that you will regret the minute they leave your mouth...and they will hang their in air...over both of your heads...sometimes for a long long time...

OR
OR
OR...

you can try...

being calm when they expect chaos...
being kind...when the last thing they expect is kindness...

and plan A is not about withdrawing...so gather your strength and try not to withdrawl...
bring her a cup of coffee...
stop after work and pick up a favorite dessert at a favorite local restaurant...
offer it to her with no strings attached...

speak your concern...
I'm not sleeping well these days...I am worried that you aren't sleeping well either....

Your non attacking also restores their own belief in them...for even though they have hurt you so bad...you still are able to treat them with respect...
powerful stuff to wrestle with at night when they are alone...or they can wrestle with what a "jerk" you are being...and fuel their fire...

and through of all of this...you become more attractive than the OP.
more rational
more dependable
and more decent....
and the OP will become the one who disrepects and attacks....
and you can sit back without blame and see their world crash in....

When you remove yourself from the triangle and from the chaos...and deflect and defeat their ability to blame you unjustly...
then eventually they are left with the reality of their own actions...
and the consequances of their actions....
and then they will be able to listen to and hear your pain....
and they will know that they alone caused some part of it....

what was that old commercial for some perume...?

If you want to get someones attention?
whisper...
anyone remember it??..

well this is your moment in time...
whisper your belief that people can change and grow
whisper your strength
whisper your pain
whisper your sadness...

and even when it appears she isn't listening ...
believe me she's watching every move you make...

you have choices
just lots of people have tried lots of things that didn't work before you....

peace to you....
ark

Thanks ARK^^
I don't know what to say .
The pain is subsiding, I am understanding that everyone is free to make choices. To every choice there is going to be a reaction from who ever it effects, thats life.
She has a right to make decisions on her own, at first I thought she was in a deppresion,. She lied and continued to lie. She made excuses that it was this that and the other thing, and never addressed anything about me. Just kept telling me I'm perfect and she is screwed up. Then she told me she has been feeling like this for years.

What can I say if she chooses to ignore it and to not do anything about it I again can not control it.
She has her choices just like I do. She can choose to leave and move on. I am not a doormat and I am not going to control her thoughts. I will continue to be as pleasant as I can and make the best of this time as a learning experience.
Waiting for the choice she makes.......