Help.

This past weekend I had an EMA after getting drunk at a wedding (and yes, getting drunk is absolutely no excuse). I've only been married for 6 months, we have no kids, and I can say for certain that this is the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life (and believe me, I've made some stupid decisions before).

It was definitely a one-time thing (OW lives across the country, I regretted it immediately after, and couldn't even "complete" the act) - so there aren't issues with recurring contact, nor was this an affair that had been going on for a length of time.

I've been back in town for two days (although it happened four days ago). This morning after a night of completely restless sleep, where I felt chills, tightness in my throat, dizziness, weakness (etc.) I confessed to my W about the affair. I do feel a little better, if only because I've given her the chance to make her own decisions about how to handle this situation, rather than trying to hide it from her.

She was (obviously), not happy, and left for work soon after a brief conversation. She didn't explode at me, or threaten to leave, but she's very controlled that way. I'm sure she feels hurt, betrayed, lied to, etc - things she has every right to feel. But since I can't call her at work (she asked me not to), my mind is racing as to what she's feeling right now.

My immediate problem is that although the extreme panic feelings have gone, I'm still feeling pretty anxious about the whole thing. Does anyone have any tips for these first few days and weeks for making life a little more bearable? Should I try to reach out to her? Leave her alone? Buy books and suggest we read them together?

I am trying to get in touch with some therapists I know (I once went to relationship counseling with a previous girlfriend) - but anything else would help.

Thanks,

- j

P.S. I'm really glad I found this web site and forum, my panic-level has dropped a little as I read about other people in similar situations.

The following was written for betrayed spouses but most of it applies to you as well. You might want to share it with your wife. I agree that reading together is a good thing, it helped us immensely. I DON'T think Harley's "Survivng an Affair" is all that good a book for you to read together though, because of the particular nature of your situation. Because of the way it is written, it will be too easy for your wife to feel like she is beign blamed for your affair. It would be OK for you to read it alone, and if you think it REALLY REALLY applies to you, read through it with her. "Torn Asunder" would be a better book for you to read together, IMO. I DO think, that being married only 6 months, the book "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", by Harley, would be great for you and your wife to work through together, because it shows you how to build a great marriage together, and a kind of marriage that will make it unlikely that either one of you will ever have an affair in the future. It is an elaboration on the kind of marriage you need to construct during affair recovery, which, no surprise, is the kind of marriage that tends to discourage affairs, AND, IMO, is the kind of marriage that everyone would like to have, if they could, and which, not co-incidentally, is the kind of marriage described as the ideal in the Bible. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. To recover, do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Jcricket. You're sure to get a lot of really good advice here from many who are much more experienced than I, since this is a great resource. None of wants to be here, but it's a good place to find answers and support.

First, I noticed your message because of the panic attack element. I had the very first panic attack of my life about a week after d-day. I thought I was dying or something, with chest pain, shortness of breath and numbness in my hands. It was very scarey. Even after I knew what it was it took a while for these to stop. I was able to get a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication that really helped. I don't take them often, but just knowing I have them on hand helps prevent me becoming overwhelmed. You may want to see a doctor to help you deal with the physical symptoms during this really important stage.

The other part of your posting asks what to do, and it sounds like you're on the right track, at least in my experience. Telling the whole truth is the best start, and then showing your willingness to do whatever it takes. My FWH answered all of my (many) questions, no matter how uncomfortable they made him, and he suggested counseling. When I found this site, he started reading this and books that we both found. I guess the "method" in _Surviving an Affair_ is what we followed in the early stages without ever knowing it.

From the BS point of view, I was in a great deal of pain, and I wasn't thinking about my H's anxiety at all. I was sarcastic, sad, angry and hurt all at the same time. A lot will depend on how well you and your wife communicate. I didn't want space, I wanted answers. But there a lot of factors -- most people seem to experience cycles of feelings.

I guess your anxiety is a good thing, since it's telling you that this is a big deal, and that your marriage is important. Be patient with yourself and your wife. And introduce her to MB, if she will. Good luck.

Thanks for the helpful advice (both of you). I was able to get some medication (valium) which made it easier to get through yesterday, and today is much better.

Having a long conversation with my wife last night (where she asked lots of questions and I gave lots of answers) also helped lessen my anxiety.

I also discovered that she'd been thinking about divorce before this event. Not in any immediate sense, but thinking that another 50+ years (we're both around 30) of "this" (meaning being unsatisfied) was no kind of life. I totally agreed with her. I don't think either of us are getting our needs met. And I'm definitely not contributing to any kind of positive, warm atmosphere.

Today I went to therapy by myself (she couldn't get time off from work) and it was a helpful first start. Our first joint session is next Tuesday, so that's good. We should have a little time to discuss things between now and then. His big question for me was, "What's your shared vision of marriage." And I didn't have an easy answer for him, which seemed odd to me.

I really hope that this event and therapy puts us on the road not just to recover from my infidelity, but also to building a happy, passionate marriage.