My husband is the one that suggested I go here. Not sure how I'll be received since I'm the slut -- you know the one who calously cheated on my hard working husband.

He has continually gone to other boards and complained about how awful I am and then comes home to me and says how happy he is to be with me. Go figure.

I've tried to do what he and his friends from his other support boards have demanded I do but can't seem to get it right. He's taken my letters and posted parts of them on his boards to allow others to critique them. And of course, rarely do I get any credit for trying. It's never good enough for him and his support group.

I have maintained No Contact for almost three years now. I let him know my whereabouts at all times, I don't have my own cell phone, he has the password to my hotmail account, etc. But he's still not satisfied.

Is he just wanting to punish me and then dump me? This is what I think at least. He seems to enjoy making me feel like the slut that I am, all the while praising his friends (some of who are in the same scum bucket as me) for "repenting." He and his friends say "I just don't get it."

Is my marriage doomed? Or is this a marriage that will forever be one in which he gets to hold this over my head until I die.

I won't go over any of his faults as it will sound as if I'm placing the blame for my affair on him. I did that once and know it's not right. He didn't have a vote in my affair. It was my stupid choice and one that I will never be allowed to live down.

What's the use of living. Him and his friends have made me feel like I have nothing to offer but misery.

At least I have a substantial life insurance policy.

It takes two to rebuild a marriage. Your husband was deeply hurt, but no one has the right to mentally abuse their spouse. Sounds like you need to have a serious talk with your husband. Let him know how you feel, keeping the tone positive during the discussion, and that you have maintained no contact for three years. I wish you well.

Hello,

I am sorry for your pain. Please consider counseling at once. Taking your life is never a correct response. The information is sketchy in what your wrote. How long was your affair? Did you confess or were your caught? How long have you been married? Do you have children. Your letter indicates how low your self-esteem is.
You say you consider yourself a slut but that was the past. The past does not have to define who you are now or in the future. Please seek marriage counseling and individual thereapy at once. Trust me you have no idea the damage that suicide does to everyone that is involved.
There are various marriage encounter groups all over the country.
If you feel it is impossible to recovery in your marriage then maybe think about moving on. You were a whole person before you met your husband and you will be a whole person afterwards. You seem to recognize the damage you did to your husband but surely he needs therapy very badly also. Three years should put both of you on a road to recovery. Do you love your husband and wish to be with him and stay in the marriage. Have you asked what is it that he wants for you to do? You learned a lesson and it is time for you to move on with your life and find happiness. The same goes for your husband. People make choices to be happy or unhappy. I understand that if you are getting mixed messages it would drive you nuts. Hold on and things will get better and stop putting yourself down. You are a different person today than you were three years ago. If you do not believe this then why would anybody else. Don't surrender. It will get better. Good luck.

hmmm

Not good on his part. Average recovery is anywhere from 1 to 5 years.

But recovery is a process not an event. He has to try and take two steps forward for every one step back.

If not then your marriage is not in recovery its in denial.

Why would he stay if he did not want to rebuild? Why would anyone stay if they didn't want things to one day be better?

I mean I would have left in a heart beat without the efforts of my wife.

Don't know enough about how the affair happened, how long it lasted, how deep it was and how it ended to pass any kind of real advice on with so limited amount of information.

But something is wrong if 3 years past no contact you two haven't grown closer.

Now I am not assigning blame here. If he has not moved forward there are any number of reasons and figuring out who is right or wrong is not the goal. The goal needs to be how to get you both moving forward towards healing your marriage and your lives.

Keep posting you will find most are not as judgemental as you think, especially where a wayward spouse (term slut is off base and hateful) is making a real effort to atone for his/her poor choices.

Typist - based on your description, his treatment of you is unwarranted. You are more than welcome here. Many betrayed spouses here would give anything to hear remorse such as yours.

Now, stop beating yourself up.

Does your H post here? Will you tell us who he is?

Once in a while, we get "opposed" spouses here. Sometimes it's difficult to discern which is more truthful. I honestly believe BOTH can be truthful - from their particular frame of reference.

This forum has numerous "reformed" WSs. Their participation is priceless.

Pleae tell us more of your story and identify your H, unless you fear it would cause you harm. If he sent you here, certainly he knows you may reveal him.

My husband knows I post here, he knows my login name and he has the password as well (he has the password to my e-mail account and it was sent there, and I also gave it to him). He said I could go and vent here since he doesn't agree with the views on this board. I've not read all the posts here but I doubt he'd get blasted like I did on his boards. I made the mistake of defending my actions or trying to set the record straight when he was venting. Told him he was welcome to come here and post his rebuttal. For now, I don't think he has a login, if he does, he's not told me of it.

I had a 3 year, long distance affair. We moved to another coast and my A was with a former co-worker. I worked with this man for 10 years and we sat near each other so we were able to talk endlessly. I never thought much of the relationship other than a friendship. When the annoucement was made that my family would be moving, this co-worker told me he had stronger feelings for me. At this point I was vulnerable (and stupid) and got caught up in all the pretty words and attention. I'm sure all that was said to me wasn't true but rather a method for claiming me as his property.

I got sloppier and careless until my H confronted me so I confessed. Actually I had tried to stop the A before but was unsucessful. By the time I confessed I had alread stopped seeing him (easy to do since we were 3000 miles apart).

My H was devestated. I've never seen a big man like him crumble and it scared me. Yes our marriage had not been happy for many years and moving from my home turf only made it worse, but I know this is not a reason for an affair.

I am also stubborn and have been burned by family and friends in the past so have learned to put up some pretty thick walls. I hold little dear, other than my children and animals. You can take or destroy any material possession of mine and it wouldn't matter.

You may notice that I didn't include my husband in what I hold dear. Right now, as I write this I don't feel it. All we do is go over what I did and how I have no empathy (could it be that nobody has given a rat's [censored] about my well-being -- including him). I've never learned compassion or been shown it.

For the last few years we've tried marriage counseling with limited success. I've already tried the suicide route and that didn't work either (think I just embarrassed my husband even more by doing that a couple of months ago).

There are times when things seem to be ok, but then he seems to get angry. Like he feels I've gotten away with it. So he'll do something to make me feel like sh*t. I can't have a nice day -- it means I don't care about what I did to him.

Of course this is my side of the story. His is different. He's never written about any redeeming qualities I have. He's a lot smarter and educated that I am (I like SpongeBob, he likes the History channel); he can talk about his programming wizardry while I boast about my photocopying abilities. My earning power has greatly diminished in this economy while his has flourished.

Sheesh, I sound pathetic -- now I don't like me! I'm glad that so far I've not gotten blasted. Others have told me that I deserve to feel rotten all the time or compare me to their repentant spouses and say that they are glad they're not stuck with the likes of me. Does my H defend me -- NO. He just enjoys the show.

Well, sorry for the long vent. I was just going to answer the questions about my background. I'm in my late 40's but look and dress younger (I can wear my 20 year old's clothing), have 2 beautiful daughters (which H has jokes that maybe they're not his -- I didn't cheat on him in the early years) and have been married almost 25 years.

Am I a wreck or what.

I'm just curious why he has taken so long to recover from this. Why do you think that is? What have you done to help him recover? What kinds of things did you do the repair the damage? What was your plan to recover the marriage?

Typist - your suicide attempt is very disconcerting. We here may not be qualified to address this. Have you sought professional help? This has higher priority than anything else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he doesn't agree with the views on this board </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you elaborate? Let me guess - he doesn't agree that he owns part responsibility for creating the poor marital environment that permitted your affair to occur?

WAT

Your H is sickly sadistic.

No one deserves to be punished over and over.....for YEARS....for making a mistake.

You cannot change him and obviously he's happy wallowing in self pity and enjoying having someone to punish.

I know I am not you, but I'd tell him either he agrees to go to counseling or the marriage is over. No one deserve to be beat up for something they are sorry for and have not repeated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Typist:
<strong>
Is he just wanting to punish me and then dump me? This is what I think at least. He seems to enjoy making me feel like the slut that I am, all the while praising his friends (some of who are in the same scum bucket as me) for "repenting." He and his friends say "I just don't get it."

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What exactly is it he says he wants from you? What would you have to do to make him happy and move on from the affair? What does he want? What don't you "get" according to him?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Typist wrote:
You may notice that I didn't include my husband in what I hold dear. Right now, as I write this I don't feel it. All we do is go over what I did and how I have no empathy (could it be that nobody has given a rat's [censored] about my well-being -- including him). I've never learned compassion or been shown it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so sorry for this, Typist. I feel empathy and a degree of compassion for you. I know WS, like BS, are only human. We all make mistakes. I know you hurt, else you wouldn't seek out a way to express it, even if it's on a virtual board.

The things you did are the past. The present and the future are who you are and can be, same for your marriage. It's all up to you and what you want now.

It's just like a BS when they feel stuck with resentment or anger from the betrayal of an affair. Once you realize it's up to you what you want for the future for yourself and your marriage, then it's a matter of figuring out how to get there. The steps.

You've taken the first steps by coming here. To learn. To read and to help others hopefully, even us BS.

Your husband is only one side of the equation, what you now bring to the marriage based on what you learn here could turn it around. You just have to be willing to keep an open mind.

I wish you the best.

Jo

<<I'm just curious why he has taken so long to recover from this. Why do you think that is? What have you done to help him recover? What kinds of things did you do the repair the damage? What was your plan to recover the marriage?>>

These are all good questions. I&#8217;ve done all the logistical things like no contact, spending more time with him, apologizing for what I did, promise to never do it again (and yes I know, my first promise in my wedding vows have already been broken so he&#8217;s not going to believe me very easily), he knows where I am at all times. Basically, I do all that he asks to the best of my ability. I&#8217;ve never been a gushy person and he has asked that I tell him how important he is. So I&#8217;ve given him little cards saying so (he does the same for me), I&#8217;ve tried to tell him how important he is to me; that he&#8217;s better than the other man, I tell him that he is desirable, etc. On his boards, he wrote that my efforts weren&#8217;t good enough -- my expressions were half-hearted. He probably wrote that because he had a rush of angry emotions and needed to vent. Problem is that he insisted that I read on his boards so I could see the pain I&#8217;ve caused. Unfortunately, I took his writings as negative criticism on everything and anything I tried to do for him. I never knew these types of boards existed until he gave me the url&#8217;s and told me to read the comments. To him what I did was beyond repair and thus the lengthy healing time. Also, I'm just not what he'd like me to be.

<<your suicide attempt is very disconcerting. We here may not be qualified to address this. Have you sought professional help? This has higher priority than anything else.>>

I realize this. After I tried this I was put on a 72-hour hold and was professionally evaluated before being let out. I also had to have counseling to prove my stability.

<<Can you elaborate? Let me guess - he doesn't agree that he owns part responsibility for creating the poor marital environment that permitted your affair to occur?>>

Of course he will have his opinion and because he was hurt so badly, he can only see his side which I try to understand. He is very hard working and tends to think that providing material items is as good as providing a good marriage. He was raised in a very poor household that made his first goal to obtain all that was missing in his youth. This wasn&#8217;t done specifically to push me aside, but in his quest to achieve all the missing parts in his life, he left me on the sidelines. How do you convince anybody that my H is being bad because he&#8217;s working 7 days a week 12 hours a day to provide all the comforts for his family that he can. Our main argument during the early years of our marriage was that he was never home. His response was that I was in a bad mood so he didn&#8217;t want to be home and the demands of his job were that he work long hours. So guess it was both our problem that we didn&#8217;t address properly. In his defense, he now works more normal hours.

<< What exactly is it he says he wants from you? What would you have to do to make him happy and move on from the affair? What does he want? What don't you "get" according to him?>>

That I say and do things without prompting to show him how important he is to me. I thought I have been doing this but it&#8217;s not to the level he&#8217;d like. He also says I have no empathy -- that I can&#8217;t feel his pain. It&#8217;s very clear to me what I&#8217;ve done but I can&#8217;t seem to convey that I understand this. He&#8217;s not sure what it will take to move on &#8211; he says it&#8217;s not a switch that he can just throw. He says that I&#8217;ve done nothing to prove that this won&#8217;t happen again. It&#8217;s probably because I can hide my emotions making it look like I don&#8217;t care.

H doesn&#8217;t like this board as much (or at all) because he said it caters to people like me. He says the people from the other board(s) make him feel better about himself. I totally agree with that part, it&#8217;s when they have a WS bashing party that it upsets me. Sharing ways to get revenge or fantasies about how to hurt the WS is detrimental to moving forward. Maybe my H can just keep it a fantasy and not act out his revenge wishes, but when someone like me (a WS) reads it it's upsetting to say the least.

He&#8217;s shared way too much about my personal life with his friends and received their opinions. He said what he did is fair since he feels the OM knows everything about him. OK, but at some point it has to stop. He said he no longer shares intimate information about me, but I&#8217;m also very careful to not share too much with him anymore. Some of what he&#8217;s written has nothing to do with the A, but are complaints about me as a person.

If people here want to know what was going through my mind at various stages of my A because my attitude resembles their WS, I will gladly offer insight. But I don&#8217;t want to give suggestions on why the BS is totally wrong or why anybody should hate their spouse. There should be a place to go where you can vent about the A and also get support on how to make it better, not get revenge.

Maybe I am totally off-base here and just DON'T get it.

double post - sorry

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: Typist ]</small>

Typist,

One thing I want to make you aware of is that right now you are at a place where someone from outside your marriage can begin to make deposits in your love bank. In other words you are in a prime condition to replicate the trouble of the past. I'm not saying you will, just be careful of where and from whom you receive positive strokes.

Three years is a long time to take to recover. I would say that you might get off of the merry-go-round. Stop allowing him to do things that don't have a direct impact on the recovery process for BOTH of you! He must come to the realization that both of you need to recover.

Let me reassure you that I would love for my wife to have No Contact, desire to let me know of her whereabouts and work on my marriage. Don't own the entire responsibility for fixing the marriage.

I would also recommend that you try Jesus. I know this sounds simplistic and trivial, but the strength and wisdom he can provide are beyond compare. Just one genuine try and you will never ever be the same!

I'm praying for you!

P.S. I'm a wayward spouse too!

In your first post on this thread you said your H directed you to this site. Now you say he doesn't agree with the views on this site, but he agrees with views on another forum. You have described he continually criticizes you, yet you exchange little cards telling each other how important you are to each other.

I'm getting mixed messages.

Can you succinctly describe what more he wants and what you know you're not doing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Typist:
<strong>It's probably because I can hide my emotions making it look like I don't care.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then don't hide your emotions.

Will you share with us the other forums? His forum names? Has he ever posted here? Under what name?

I am certain we can help you both, but we need a clearer picture.

WAT

Sorry about being all over the road.

<< In your first post on this thread you said your H directed you to this site. Now you say he doesn't agree with the views on this site, but he agrees with views on another forum. You have described he continually criticizes you, yet you exchange little cards telling each other how important you are to each other.>>

He directed to me to this site because the things being written on his other boards would upset me. He then told me that the opinions on MB would be more to my liking. He told me he doesn&#8217;t go to this site anymore and felt the opinions better reflect mine. He thought my posting here would help me like his boards help him.

Regarding the card exchange. We did that early on and he seemed to like it. But then he&#8217;d go on his boards and say I wasn&#8217;t doing enough. So I no longer do these type of things. Does that make sense?

<< Can you succinctly describe what more he wants and what you know you're not doing?>>

No I can&#8217;t and this bothers me a great deal. He&#8217;s not sure what he needs me to do either. He says I should show more empathy. I thought I was. I would let him know that his company is enjoyable and I find him attractive, etc, then I read on his boards where he says I still make him feel like a second-class citizen. So does this mean I should up my efforts?

<< Then don't hide your emotions.>>

This is something I&#8217;ve done forever and not something I can just throw a switch to change. Also, the few times I&#8217;ve tried to show emotion, I was told it was half-hearted.

<< Will you share with us the other forums? His forum names? Has he ever posted here? Under what name?>>

He knows I have been posting here (I told him I would be). If he wants to share this information here, then he can. For his privacy sake, I won&#8217;t.

<< &#8230; but we need a clearer picture.>>

I can only paint so good of a picture in just a few posts. Eventually it will all come out in bits and pieces. Otherwise there&#8217;d be a post 10 pages long. I&#8217;m doing the best I can.

Typist - we're with you.

I suggest you get a copy of Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs - both by Harley. You will be able to easily identify with SAA, as you have already described your affair - a very typical one. Both books are available thru the bookstore on this site, or try any on-line book seller.

If you do this and digest them, you may be able to better relate to your H's needs. This doesn't mean you've failed at this - could be he's the bigger problem - but maybe your communication about the whole topic may improve. Leave them around the house and maybe he'll pick them up. Sure, he may have preconceived notions. MY XW used His Needs/Her Needs to further justify her affair - OM was SOOOOOOO wonderful at meeting her needs! But that's another story.....

OK - I understand you don't want to tell us his ID on the other forums. But tell us the URLs of the other forums???

Does he still read this forum at all? What if I post to him, "To Typist's husband"??? Will he read it?

To Typist's husband right now: we'd like to help save your marraige. Please tell us your side of the story. What have you got to lose? There are many here that can identify with your pain. I bet mine was worse. This is an equal opportunity forum and we WILL both criticize and praise both of you where warranted. In fact, we'd like to hear your views on why the views expressed here don't apply to you or are flat out wrong-headed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Typist:


What exactly is it he says he wants from you? What would you have to do to make him happy and move on from the affair? What does he want? What don't you "get" according to him?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That I say and do things without prompting to show him how important he is to me. I thought I have been doing this but it&#8217;s not to the level he&#8217;d like. He also says I have no empathy -- that I can&#8217;t feel his pain. It&#8217;s very clear to me what I&#8217;ve done but I can&#8217;t seem to convey that I understand this. He&#8217;s not sure what it will take to move on &#8211; he says it&#8217;s not a switch that he can just throw. He says that I&#8217;ve done nothing to prove that this won&#8217;t happen again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for answering my questions, Typist.

Isn't it sort of hard to show love to someone who DEMANDS it through guilt manipulation? That would not make me feel very loving or affectionate.

I wonder if he ever does things that are loving and loveable to attract you to him? Do you feel yourself just GO COLD around him when he demands love from you? I can see why you would be going through the motions. I know how I would react in such a situation and I would certainly not feel like showing any love or affection. I would be angry and resentful just as you are. Have I read this situation correctly?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Typist:
<strong>

<< Then don't hide your emotions.>></strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is something I&#8217;ve done forever and not something I can just throw a switch to change. Also, the few times I&#8217;ve tried to show emotion, I was told it was half-hearted. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I bet she is going COLD after being expected to PERFORM on demand. Why would she feel any loving feelings when she is being emotionally blackmailed to perform? Is that what is happening, Typist?

Typist,

I'm glad you got help after the suicide attempt and hope you continue with treatment. Your self-esteem has to be about zero right now but I want to remind you that you ARE worth a lot; to yourself and others.

Your husband seems to have a fixation on his pain and while it's the worst hurt I've ever experienced, it DOES get better if he wants to work at it.

As far as being a "slut".....based on what you've written, you are far from that so stop even thinking of yourself as such. My wife felt the same way after her affair but I reminded her I loved her very much and ONE mistake doesn't define a person.

God loves you and forgives you......don't stop trying and seeking help....mainly just don't give up on you or your relationship. One book that has helped me is:

The 10 second kiss
The 20 second hug
The 30 minute talk

Amazing just how close two people can become with just the first two....then the talk (no TV or distractions) really help a coupld "connect".

I'm not a genius or have all the answers; but I want you to know I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to

Praying for you and your husband,
Pegasus