Wow, I really like the responses and suggestions written on this board. I don't always agree with everything being written but all the posts do get me to think beyond my own horror of what I did.

H and I went to a new counslor yesterday (changed insurance companies so we couldn't see our old counselor). This counselor basically told us to "grow up" and deal with this problem as adults. That didn't help one bit! My H would say what was going through his mind and she would tell him it was just wrong. Found myself jumping in and defending him. That at least *I* understood why he was doing this. (Earlier on, I would've welcomed these sort of comments from a "professional" -- but now I see this counselor wasn't worth the co-pay.)

One good thing though, we both left her office laughing at her techniques then went out to dinner and had an intelligent conversation about what I did. I didn't feel threatened or like I was being berated. Was this from being with a counselor who was totally wrong for us? Who knows. We're not seeing her anymore.

It's taken me almost 3 years to get to this point and not to say there won't be setbacks. But having a positive exchange sure is nice.

For me being told too many times that I deserve nothing better than to get kicked in the face so I can understand the pain inflicted on my H wasn't providing the means for reconciliation -- only gave me more to loathe about myself. The getting kicked in the face may work for other couples trying to reconcile and maybe that's what it takes to get the WS to get out of their fog. And I do agree that the WS needs to understand the severity of what they did -- but the punishing does need to end after a certain point.

Again, thank you everybody for your words of encouragement and support for both sides (and by sides I'm not talking about a war -- hopefully you know what I mean.)