This is how I feel about my M.
Now that some of the intense grief and pain of the last A is starting to go away and I’m poking my head back into reality again, I’m starting to realize a lot of things about my M.
H really controlled the whole M.
When I met H, he totally swept me off my feet. He was very charming, attentive, caring, etc., and appeared very open and honest. We spend a lot of time talking about what went wrong in our first M’s, including H telling me about two A’s he had. Not that it would every happen again, of course, because I was the love of his life!
Early on, I did notice that H drank a lot. He liked to gamble. If things didn’t always go his way he really knew how to pout. I chalked it up to how deprived and controlled (sarcasm now) he was during his first M. H explained to me that his XW didn’t like him to drink, would not let him gamble, controlled all the money, no SF, he never got to have fun, yada, yada, yada.
What a crock of sh**!
H just took the Enneagram test and came out an 8 “The Challenger”. He’s the master of control. And I’m just now starting to realize how controlled and manipulated I’ve been.
H managed to stay off the radar screen with his alcoholism, addictive behavior and self-esteem issues just enough to keep me close. I look back now and can see times that I felt some uneasiness, confusion, and uncertainty but then H would sweep me off my feet yet again and there I stayed. I can really see the push/pull tension of our relationship now…H pulling me in close, making me feel very special and loved and then pushing me away making me wonder what the heck was going on.
In about 1998, H got a letter from one of his daughters. I remember that he was really upset after reading it. H said the letter really upset him and that he wasn’t ready to share it with me. He put the letter away somewhere. I thought it was important to respect his privacy so I didn’t push to read it. I mentioned it a couple of times here and there and it was always “oh yea, I should let you read it”. I wasn’t able to read that letter until I accidentally found it about a month ago.
H’s daughter wrote about how upset she was about all of his years of drinking, inappropriate behavior, inappropriate touching of her friends (one incident described in detail), that she finally realized that he had been lying to and cheating on everyone in their family for years and now he was going out with me…a younger women. I was like OMG!
Had I been given the chance to read this letter back then, would I have actually married him? I was controlled and manipulated.
After we got married, H was no longer able to stay off the radar screen. Drinking was worse. Every day was another day of: H drinks, H gets drunk, H gets stupid, and H passes out.
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I can now see how angry, resentful, sarcastic, and confused I was. I was under a lot of pressure at work during this time and I pretty much rationalized what I was feeling to (work) stress. I know that at times I was not a nice person to be around.
I repeatedly tried to talk to H about not wanting/did not enjoy SF with a drunk. I was unable to enjoy conversation with a drunk. I wanted affection instead of groping. Please slow down on the drinking. H would stop drinking for a few days but go right back to it. I was at a loss.
I took what H dished out over and over again. I hung in there. I was not very happy with H and my M but my kids and my career kept me in there I think. I took whatever H dished. I wonder how come I didn't have an A. It's not like I didn't have the chance(s) to.
H created a monster.
I found out about his Internet EA in ’01. Then find out about his PA in ’03. The A’s, according to H, happened because he didn’t think I loved him.
H tried to kill the monster.
The even bigger insult for me was to learn (recently) that shortly after meeting me, H contacted one of the first OW’s again and carried on an EA while we were dating, got married, bought our house, etc. and at the first opportunity he had, went PA with her again.
Imagine that. How sick. Let’s talk to the OW (who was and still is married) during a new courtship, wedding, relationship, etc. but go head and go PA at the first chance you get. OW even told me last June that H really loved me; I was his life, etc., etc. I can’t even get my mind around this. How could H do this? How could OW do this?
H created a monster and then tried to kill it off with multiple A’s.
In one of our first MC sessions, H said that he hadn’t been happy during the past year, didn’t think I loved him, no passion in our relationship, etc., so he had an A. In subsequent sessions, H started backing it up. It became the past two years, then three years and finally last week it was no happiness, no passion, no nothing for the past four years. Our 4th anniversary is next month.
Somehow I just know that if we continue to have this “not happy, no passion” conversation, the timeline will eventually get backed up to when I met him. Then all of his entire past (awful) behavior will be justified because I didn’t love him.
SSS is coming back into reality. I’m going to continue going to Al-Anon and IC. I’m going to get the old happy, confident, outgoing, friendly, funny, and attractive SSS back out again.
Thanks for letting me sort out my thoughts here and figure out what is best for me and my kids. I don’t know what I would have done without you guys here at MB.
<small>[ January 08, 2004, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>
