I am guilty of having an affair with someone from my church. It started (non-physical) in October, and became physical in November. I have ended it, but have not told anyone except a friend of mine and my husbands. This friend is a Reverend and was the one who helped me to end it. I believe I may be pregnant and am so afraid of the fact that I may most likely lose my husband and children. We have been married for 12yrs and have 2 children together. I'm not sure if this is the forum I should be sharing this on, but I searched and searched and couldn't make out which one was the right one and I needed to say this. I don't want to lose my family. I think my husband will end the marriage if he learns of this. I had planned to keep it to myself, just between me and the friend I mentioned earlier, but if I am pregnant I won't be able to do that. I am so scared of telling my husband even though if he leaves, I would fully deserve it. I've prayed to God to forgive me and not let me be pregnant. To give me another chance to live right as a wife to my husband, but I 'feel' pregnant. Should I tell my husband?

NewFaith,

I've been on this website for a few months, so I have learned a few things, and here's my perspective.

Yes, you should tell your husband. You made a terrible mistake, but saw that it was a mistake and ended it. I've read that most marriages can and usually do survive affairs. But, in order for your marriage to recover, you will have to find out the reasons why you were vulnerable to this affair. Probably, some of your needs were not being met in your marriage, so you chose to have those needs met outside the marriage. The only way your marriage can recover, is if you and your husband are able to meet each others most important emotional needs. There are several books that the Harleys have written that you and your husband should read. "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs".

None of this excuses your decision to have an affair, which was tremendously harmful to everyone. But you cannot go back and change the past, so it is something you have to live with. The only thing you can affect is the future, and the only person you can change is yourself.

But, you must tell your husband, because honesty is extermely crucial to an intimate relationship. I imagine his initial reaction will be shock and anger at you. He may even want to end the marriage. But that is his decision to make now. What you've done has hurt him terribly, but mistakes can be forgiven, and if you want to save your marriage (which it sounds like you do)

There is a great deal of information on this website to help you. And marriage counseling will be necessary. The Harleys are pro-marriage, and you can actually do phone counseling with them.

You made the right decision in ending the affair and coming here for help. Now you must do what it takes to restore your marriage, and take the steps necessary to make sure your marriage becomes affair-proof.

Good luck,
- Hawkeye