I am guilty of having an affair with someone from my church. It started (non-physical) in October, and became physical in November. I have ended it, but have not told anyone except a friend of mine and my husbands. This friend is a Reverend and was the one who helped me to end it. I believe I may be pregnant and am so afraid of the fact that I may most likely lose my husband and children. We have been married for 12yrs and have 2 children together. I'm not sure if this is the forum I should be sharing this on, but I searched and searched and couldn't make out which one was the right one and I needed to say this. I don't want to lose my family. I think my husband will end the marriage if he learns of this. I had planned to keep it to myself, just between me and the friend I mentioned earlier, but if I am pregnant I won't be able to do that. I am so scared of telling my husband even though if he leaves, I would fully deserve it. I've prayed to God to forgive me and not let me be pregnant. To give me another chance to live right as a wife to my husband, but I 'feel' pregnant. Should I tell my husband?

Absolutely you must tell him. It is the only right thing to do. He may or may not choose to leave, but he has that right. You can't hold him in a marriage based on a lie. It was deceit and lies that got you here in the first place, truthfulness is the ONLY solution.

I know that this is scary, but God will forgive you if you ask for forgiveness and make this right! Your H will be very hurt so you will have to be ready to help him through this and be as patient as possible. Just be prepared for the initial fallout.

After you tell him, maybe you can send him here so we can help him. And you will get much support yourself here.

This does not have to be the end of your marriage, NF. Many here end up with much better marriages AFTER an affair if they practice the Marriage Builders principles and work on their marriage.

<small>[ January 08, 2004, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I know that what your saying is totally right as far as not keeping him bound to a marriage based on a lie, but I am afraid. I don't want to lose him or our children. One might say... "you should have thought of that before you did this" and they would be right, but I am terrified of what will happen if I tell. Do you think I should tell even if I'm not pregnant?

Well, no one said it was going to be easy, but this is no longer about you but about what is best for him. You have to think about him and not your own fears. It is often not easy to do the right thing. He has to know. You have no right to withhold this information from him. By you own admission he may not choose to stay and that is his right.

Also, I'm afraid of the effect this will have on him spiritually. He's never been a big "Church goer". He considered them all hypercrites. He has said that to me countless times. That he would NEVER attend my church because we're all a bunch of hypercrites. Now, my actions will have proved him right and it will give him one more reason NOT to attend church. All I ever wanted was for him to be the spiritual leader of our family and attend church with me and the kids and seek to help make our marriage a fulfilling one. I've prayed on that for years...waited for years. Nothing. Now, this affair has quite possibly ruined all chances of that. He was making progress as far as spending more time with the kids, but our marriage has been in trouble for a while. He sleeps downstairs on the couch for most of the night and only comes to bed afew hours before he must wake for work. I just got so lonely. I know it's not excuse and I am very wrong for having the affair. I dont want to seem as though I'm making excuses...just trying to explain why. I love my husband and want to stay with him. I'm afraid that if I tell...he won't want me anymore.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by NewFaith:
<strong>I've prayed to God to forgive me and not let me be pregnant. To give me another chance to live right as a wife to my husband, but I 'feel' pregnant. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God will forgive you if you repent, but you can't continue to sin by continuing to lie to your H. He is not going to bless a sin. To get another chance to live right, you have start living right and stop the lies. You can't live right if you are living in a marriage based on deceit and lies.

It is scary, NewFaith, but many here have been through this and you will get lots of help and support in doing the right thing. You won't get much support in continuing the deceit, though. Let us help you.

This is not my first affair. I've had online affairs (that he is aware of) but I've also been unfaithful off line and he is not aware of that. We've been married for 12 yrs and most of those years have been troubled because relationship issues have never seemed to be high priority with him and many things were left neglected until I began having affairs to 'pascify' myself because I could'nt have 'him'. We was a workaholic (and still is) and I felt alone and lonely so often. I know a marriage with hidden affairs isn't a healthy one...your right. I'm just afraid of the aftermath of letting this out. How it will effect our lives, the childrens lives. The humiliation of others finding out. I know this isn't justification. I just want to be honest so you'll know how to reply.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by NewFaith:
<strong>He was making progress as far as spending more time with the kids, but our marriage has been in trouble for a while. He sleeps downstairs on the couch for most of the night and only comes to bed afew hours before he must wake for work. I just got so lonely. I know it's not excuse and I am very wrong for having the affair. I dont want to seem as though I'm making excuses...just trying to explain why. I love my husband and want to stay with him. I'm afraid that if I tell...he won't want me anymore. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very common, NF, and this is another reason why he has to know. Often spouses get into affairs because their needs are not being met in the marriage. This is exactly why you were so vulnerable to an affair. He actions led to the conditions that made you vulerable to an affair.

But if your H doesn't know the truth, he won't have the opportunity to fix it. And you will NEVER have a marriage.

I know it might not seem that way now, but your honesty is probably the only thing that will save your marriage at this point. Your marriage will just stay bad if you don't tell him what has happened here. But he has a right to know and he has a right to have the opportunity to fix it if he chooses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by NewFaith:
<strong>I'm just afraid of the aftermath of letting this out. How it will effect our lives, the childrens lives. The humiliation of others finding out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it will be humilating and it will probably effect your children. There are always consequences to affairs. There will be - and SHOULD BE - an aftermath.

NF please follow MelodyLane's advice and tell your H about your A. You may be surprised that your H may NOT end the marriage, especially if you make the point that your confession is because he deserves the right to know so that he can chose whether he wants to remain married to you or divorce you. But you may want to confirm whether your pregnant or not before you tell your H the truth. In this way you won't be giving him two terrible blows on two separate occasions and making it more likely that he will opt for divorce.

As for your husband confirming his beleif that all church people are hypocrites, that is something that you have no control over. Closed minded and bigoted people love to cast all members of certain groups in the same light because they are morally lazy. Affairs can happen to the most deeply religious people AND to the most skeptical of atheists. Please don't let his narrow mindedness deter you from telling him the truth.

If you do find that you are pregnant by the OM, you may want to post a thread over at the Pregnancy/Child forum because there are many folks there that have lived through the same situation.

I know you guys are right.And I am beginning to believe that your posts 'are' actually God answering my prayers as to what to do. I am just afraid of that. I will confirm whether I am pregnant first though. I will let you guys know how it goes. I plan to talk to my friend (the Reverend) BEFORE I do this though, so it might not occure for a little while. A week or two at most. Unless he answeres my email sooner. I want to thank you guys for being so kind to me...the one who is guilty. I expected to be 'bashed' for confessing. Thank you.

Everyone has given you very good advice and I'd agree with it.

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." James 5:16

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and will purify us from all unrigteousness." 1 John 1:10

NF,

Sorry for the reason you're here but glad you are.

When you *do* tell your H, follow TooMuchCoffeeMan's advice and let your H know you're telling him because you know he deserves to know the truth and make a decision based on that.

Be prepared for a stunning array of emotions, from raging anger to withdrawal and catatonia to despair. Just be there and let him feel his feelings.

At first, don't share with him that his failure to meet your ENs contributed to making you vulnerable to an affair. Wait until he's had some time to reel and absorb the news (days or weeks) and only tell him once he's ready to fix what's wrong. And then, don't tell him "You never..." but tell him "It would help me so much if you/we could..."

But for right now, just be honest, don't cast blame, don't make excuses, and let him react however needs to and on his own time frame.

NewFaith,
Somehow, we've got two threads going on this topic, and I replied to the other one. But, I agree totally with what everyones said here.

NF,
you have been advised by many as to the proper course of action in this situation. and, to youre credit, sound wiling to meet your obligations to your H and family by speaking out with the truth. may i leand my voice to others here who have already posted in advocating that you do so...and do so ASAP?

i believe that doing so is primary to not only saving your marriage but eventually improving that marriage.

however, i am still greatly troubled by your admissions of multiple affairs. you obviosly feel great religious fervor yet, can't seem to find enough stregnth in your faith to prevent yourself from repeating such damaging acts.

therefore, may i suggest that in the future, (particularly if your H decides that the marriage is worth saving), that you leave the problem of your husbands religious faith to him and his G-D...where in my humble opinion it belongs!

if i were you, i would instead concern myself with truthfully and faithfully practicing my own religious beliefs, and living those beliefs instead of just preaching them.

sorry to sound harsh but i fel this needed saying.

coach

I don't fault you for your frank words. You are right. I have had multiple affairs, however they all (with the exception of THIS one) were PRIOR to my comming to Christ. I know that is no excuse, I just wanted to clarify that I have not had multiple affairs AS a Christian.

Thank you again for your honesty.

Yesterday I learned that I am NOT pregnant. I am so thankful to God for His Mercy and Grace in this. I feel that the revelation of my unfaithfulness would have been so much harder for my husband to bear, had I been. I am so thankful to God for sparing us that.

I just thought you all (who have been following this from the beginning) would want to know.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice.

Hawkeye, I just read your post on the 'other' thread. Thank you for your advice. I agree that the decision is now to be his, whether the marriage remains or not. I forfeited that with the affairs. I pray that God will restore us. I believe I will be confessing to my husband very soon. Please be in prayer for us. We will need MUCH prayer.