I tried starting Plan B, but it does not work very well. I need to remember to go back and read Michelle Weirner Davis 180 Degree Divorce busting list. I think I need to post it on my forhead.

My b-day was Sunday 1/4 and WH made very lovely breakfast and dinner - He went to great effort to be sure my day was great. Card made me sad because it was not what I had hoped for considering he was home "working on marriage" and no longer in contact with OGirl.
1/5 AM Holding and Loving each other in bed - get up - get kids ready and he drives them to school. Major clues lead me to believe he was in contact and I now have ANOTHER STUPID D-DAY!!! That afternoon I moved out but then thought - HEY these are not my choices - so I came back home that night and asked him to leave
1/6 Called OG to tell her he had been lying to her too. No sooner does he get out of bed with me, that he calls her asking her to return to the states. Huge Fight ensued.
1/7 - he leaves - I feel relief but am sad
He left without telling kids anything - so inspite of Plan B that I thought I could handle, I call him to find out when he will return to talk to the kids. He says Friday evening.

1/10 - Friday - working from home because D needs to be picked up from school rather than bus. He shows up - It is 11:30 and my heart is racing. From what I understand OG was suppose to break up with him yesterday because he lied to her she had been given proof. I know that still does not matter because it is what is in his heart not hers that matters. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
How in the Heck do people move thru this period of Plan B?
I read lots of posts re: Plan B - 5 weeks, 2 months - I don't know if I can hold the light burning for our marriage if it lasts that long. I am so hurt and feel so rejected.
I am trying hard to nuture myself but everywhere I turn in this stinking house I have another reminder of OG because she lived here.
Any insights? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Goodwife92
Sounds like you are on the same boat as me.

Sail away to a place that is better than where you are, even if it is for a short time each day.

This is so hard, You need sanity (believe me it's easier said then done) I tell myself this.

I can't give good advice now. So take it with a grain of salt.

One thing I think is true is that we are headed for something better !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GoodHusband
Feels like I know you thru name - strange

Anyway - I believe we are headed somewhere better.
Sailing away - funny you should mention
I travel quite a bit for my job and have an upcoming trip to Puerto Rico - going to try and take Surfing Lessons!! How out of the box is that?

These are the kinds of things that I am trying to do to make myself feel better thru all this

Plan B doesn't start until your contact with him stops. Have you given him a Plan B letter?

The usual advice: get a hair cut. Get them all cut. Take the surfing lessons.

Invite three old friends you haven't seen for awhile out to lunch. Have a big party at your house to exorcise its ghosts (I had 30 over Christmas Eve.) Have a goal to make one new friend each week.

Take up yoga. Or martial arts. Or swim laps.

Read biographies of strong tough women who made it alone for inspiration -- George Sand, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, Emily Dickinson.

Chances are strong you won't be able to keep the candle burning. Mine went out some time ago. But I'm feeling great -- just like I lost 190 pounds of ugly fat. Him.

Goodwife92

My problems started in Sept on our anniversary I found out something was going on. I remained strong because I could not believe it was happening. I booked a solo vacation to Turks & Caicos Club Med had the time of my life and came back full of confidence it felt great.

JUST DO IT

Good wife, Plan B involves two things: Sending a Plan B letter and ending all contact with your spouse. What have you done so far in pursuit of those two things? It's not clear to me from what you've said so far.

Goodwife, Fear me not. What state are you in.
I am in New Jersey. Looking for counsel.

After a great weekend together December 5&6th - I woke up Sunday and was very sad.
I talked to WH and asked him to leave - told him I knew he was still in contact with her, and could not continue with him. I loved him and have wanted to work on marriage since first D-day, but could not work on it until he was committed to.

His response was "But we just had such a great weekend" and then "Please have patience with me" I said "no" please just go. I had Plan B letter written but did not give it to him. He said he needed a few days to figure out where he was going to go. That night we talked further and he finally realized what he was doing to me - he was really sad with himself and said he had never questioned his actions before and he was so very sorry for hurting me. Don't know how it happened, however he ended up staying longer.

On Dec 11th - I confronted him again and said very softly, very kindly - are you still talking to her - his answer was "yes" - Can you give it up "no" was the reply - I said - well, there is your answer - please go - it is just too hard for me when you are here. D had concert that night - we all went together and afterwards he started to pack. While packing he came out to me and said if he promised to try to stop talking to her at least thru Christmas, could he stay? I gave him my conditions - he agreed to all except the marriage counselor. She lives in Slovakia and a letter would take too long. I suggested that he call her with me on the other line and explain that he was working on his marriage and he was not going to call her blah blah blah. The call was attempted a few times, but then never convenient after that. I should have known. I unfortunately let him stay. Disappointment again
He has No Contact letter from me. I explained that I couldn't talk or see him during this, but he uses all sorts of excuses. He was suppose to come over tonight because we were going to tell the kids together that he was moving out. He showed up this afternoon WAY too early - I think he thought I wasn't going to be here.

That's the jist of it. Plan B will help me too - there are moments I can feel it - thinking about only myself and my dreams instead of always stopping to consider his - I think all this may have happened for a reason - perhaps I am not to be with him at all.

I am sad for my kids. I never wanted a broken family for them. What will they learn from this -married people can't work out their problems - can't compromise? It is a very sad legacy if it comes to that.

Goodwife, I'm sorry to hear of your pain and the difficulties you've been through. I think it's time to find you a way into a place of protection and safety. So....


You have a Plan B letter written. That's good. Have you had folks here review it? I have a vague memory of looking at one, but I'm not sure it was yours. Would you post it again so we can help you with it?

Let's talk about logistics. Your husband is clearly not interested in "helping" you get into Plan B, so we need to help you instead. Let's talk about specifics:

- Are you going to move out or is he? (That'll determine a lot of the things you need to accomplish.)

- How will you arrange for visitation for your kids?

- Who will be your intermediary?

- What finances need to be separated?

- Do you have a "time to jump" place to go? In other words, someone you and your kids can stay with if you need to implement Plan B before all your plans are in place?

Goodwife, Our stories are the same. He/She want to fix things but are not ready to commit. They say it's over but have not ended it completely, they need space and time to make a decision, etc.................

We can relate to each other and our thoughts.

You have inspired me to cancell my appointment with Attorney and to stop LBing. I also read the story you suggested. Right now I am not to sure I can go that long but I am willing to start slow.

You are a wonderful person.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have not posted it - It is very similar to many others I have read here on MB - almost word for word - I have read A LOT here. No need to post it because it has already been given
He does understand that I cannot talk to him or see him - how hard it is - I have explained this and he has respected the "no calling" part - with the exception of the first day. - I again told him it is too hard for me.

- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He will be moving out. He has already committed to that - he is using finances as lame excuse for not having a place already - but knows I cannot be here with him and do not want to leave the kids.

- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Visitation has been arranged for January via written calender. He understands that when coming and going, I don't want to talk or see him.

- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is tricky - we don't have one really. We agreed to communicate re: kids/schedule via e-mail. Bringing in families is just too complicated and one sided. She was part of HIS family so some members don't believe me - others don't want to be involved. Aside - they live 3 hours + away. E-mail is just going to have to do for now. I may change this if it gets too sticky or hurtful.

- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was completed Tuesday evening. He is responsible for certain bills and I others. Just a bit concerned over some movement on his 401k to an IRA - still feel uncertain about this
- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All family lives too far and I don't feel comfortable living with friends locally. We just moved here. most friends I would feel comfortable with live 1 hr to 45 min away. It is too hard with kids activities, school, work and travel to add that to the mix.

He said he would go and I believe he will. He also just told me "I got what I wanted" - OG broke it off with him yesterday because he was lying so badly to her to. I took many notes from my journal and laid them out for her. We have pictures of us together since she has left and I e-mailed those to her brother - who also wants her to break it off because it is wrong.

With that said - before you respond - I know and I told him this too...he still needs to move out because I only want him to be here if it is in HIS heart not because it is 2nd choice.

GoodHusband - I needed that compliment! Thanks a billion! Keep posting and we can keep supporting one another - From what I have read - you are great too - your WW will realize that - if not - someone else will very quickly! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HOWEVER - Go see an attorney. At least understand what you should do if the time comes. I had a lot of questions (mainly about kids and property etc...) and I simply got them answered. You do not have to file or even hire one, but interview several in case you need to know where to go.

Goodwife, it's almost impossible to do Plan B while you're in the same house and have daily contact with one another. It causes huge amounts of hurt on both sides.

That said, I'm glad the Plan B letter has been given. If you're staying in the house, that's great!

Now, the hard part. What would it take for you to call a locksmith and have the locks changed while your husband is away?

Just J,

From everything that I have read, I do not think changing the locks will benefit me in any way.

I have asked him to not call or come in the house while I am here. There are some logistical issues with the travel and kids and I do not want to place them in a bad spot. I am willing to allow him to come in the house while I am traveling until he gets his own place.

We just told the kids tonight that he will live apart from us and we are taking a "time out" to figure out if we want to stay together.

I think changing the locks would be love busting - it would only make him angry and wouldn't make me feel very good either.

I am just going to concentrate on ME. My happiness. I may even visualize letting him go at this point. It might make it easier if it ends and I think it will make it easier in negotiating if we decide to stay together.

I think he will be back. Their relationship just does not make sense - in ANY way. He just has to figure it out. In the meantime, I will try very hard to improve me - what I think of me - and the way I choose to be. It always sounds easy, but sometimes is VERY tough!

Good wife, improving yourself and focusing on yourself is wonderful Plan B material. The more of it you can do, the better. Have a really hard look at yourself, and see what you can change. Can you learn to listen to people better? Do you have annoying habits that it's time to give up? There's a ton that everyone can do to improve themselves, and Plan B is a wonderful time to do it.

(As well as to have all kinds of fun!)

But................ if you're in Plan B, why are "we" telling the kids stuff??? "We" should not be in the same room, speaking to one another, or talking to anyone else together, either. This is about YOU.

Is changing the locks an LB?? Nope! It's not an angry outburst, it's not a disrespectful judgment, it's not a selfish demand, it's not an annoying habit, and it's not dishonest.

It IS independent behavior, it's true. But that's what Plan B is all about -- stepping AWAY from your marriage, independently, in order to give you marriage one last hope of being saved.

If you're saying you're in Plan B but you're still in contact with your husband, you're really in some kind of limbo that is causing more damage to your marriage than changing the locks ever could.

JustJ,
We told the children together for the following reasons:
1. I wanted him to see that i was strong in my decision for him to leave and i would be fine in front of kids (no crying, etc..)
2. Wanted to tell them together the day he first left (Wednesday), but logistics did not allow
3. Wanted to tell them together because I wanted him to see their pain with his own eyes. He blames me for everything so far - even for how sad they have been - His method has been to run away all along - this was something we needed to do in order to open communication with them. LOTS OF OTHER PARENTING REASONS ALSO
4. He left Friday night and I have not spoken or communicated with him since. I am going to post another re: this. Let me repeat - I am not in contact.