I am in need of some advise. I have been M. for 9 years, and have experienced many ups and downs. (most brought on by me) About 6 years ago she and I seperated and I began a relationship with OW. Shortly after the W. and I decided to work out our marriage and got back together. I found out a few weeks later the OW was pregnent with my daughter, but I still stayed and worked it out with my W. Problem was the OW wouldn't let me see my daughter. I supported the child without getting to see her for 6 years now. Recently she has decided to let me see her, and that has caused a major conflict btween the W and myself. Reason being, she will not let me see her with the W. around, and visitation is only allowed when and where she wants. This is bad enough in of itself, but the situation has been compounded by the fact that my W and I have some other issues in our marriage that have led us to grow apart. We have even talked about seperation again.
I didn't know what to expect when I first got to see my daughter or her mother again, because frankly I have nothing but fond memories her. But when I first saw her again after 6 years of no contact, all of the old feelings came rushing back in and have really been confusing me. I have made it clear to the OW that I am only there to see my daughter, but she has made several advances toward me that I have defused. I have tried not to talk too much to my W about her, as it really upsets her, and drives a bigger wedge between us. Over the last two days or so the W and I have discussed seperation and ground rules as the W and I have a son together. She said that if we seperate and I see the OW that my son will not be apart of my life, and the OW will not let my daughter be apart of my life with my wife there.
I have been trying to work on myself hoping my M. problems will get better. Since I have been coming to this website I reallized the problems that I need to work on, but I am not sure if the W. is willing to fully recommit to our M. I fear that if I stay it will lead nowhere, and I am affraid leaving will only cause more problems. My W has been my best friend, and I don't want to lose that either. It is also very hard to control the emotions I feel when I am around the OW. I am in a physical and emotional tug of war that I can't seem to find an answer for.

How sad that both these woman are willing to use innocent children as pawns. You know what to do but it feels so good to consider throwing your life away. Wake up dude! Your loyalty is to your W and son. Forget what feels good for a minute and take a look in the mirror. It's a good feeling to like the person looking back. You're about to change all that. This woman is openly attacking your marriage. Wonder what she's been doing for the last 6 years? Perhaps there's been a lul in the action and she dug up your number. Sad but you can't see your daughter without W present, if at all. Hope you do the right thing.

Thank you for the response. I totally agree, and am very disappointed with both women using the children against me and to pull me. What I really want is a healthy marriage and both children in my life. I don't want to give up one for the other. I am also trying to subdue any and all feelings that I have for the OW. Part of the feelings maybe a lack of affection, attention, and intimacy with my W., and the memories of having all of that with the OW. Thanks again for the insight.

You need to see an attorney to legally establish visitation and also a DNA test to prove this really is your child. Can you really be sure she is yours without it? With that, xow will not be able to dictate when and with whom you have visitation unless it is deemed that your wife is a threat to this child. It'll make your wife feel better knowing that you won't be around xow, it will stop the feelings that you had for her to surface, and stop xow from controlling your life. I'm sure your wife is hurt and expressing it in an unhealthy way both for your marriage and your son. You need to take control of the situation instead of letting it destroy your family further. These actions should stop the tug of war and establish boundaries that are so much needed. If I were you, I'd call for an appointment today!

The child is mine, that has been proven. I have contacted an attorney, but I don't have the finacial means to hire one. The original deal was set by the court and I have no control over that yet until I can afford it. My W. says she can't wait that long, even if its only a matter of a month or two. My W. is not a threat to anybody especially my daughter with OW. However at one point she was a threat to herself when we were seperated the first time, and that has been documented. To add a twist to the whole situation, my W. is from Germany, and she hasn't told any of her family about any of this. I also fear that if my W. and I get a D. that she will return to Germany and I won't get to see my son again.

All_Ears. I just have one thing to say or comment on....Visit a family/custody lawyer!

I am sorry in most cases they appoint laywers for those without financial means to retain one. They did for my wife and he turned out to be one of the best. Just a thought.

You are not going to like my advise. OW is clearly a threat to your marriage. Your loyalty needs to be to your W and son. It sounds to me like OW is dangling your D as bait. You should not see your D at all unless your wife is there. After all OW knew you were married, and decided to take the plunge. I don't blame your W for being so upset. I would be too.

Thank you all for your advise. I am starting to look into the assistance with the legal issues of this entire situation. I had long indepth discussions with the W over the weekend, and I think we can work it out. If we can't then we at least found some common ground regarding seperation, even though I hope it doesn't come to that. We have been live lies hoping not to hurt each other feelings, and have implemented the policy of radical honesty and policy of joint agreement. I am happy to report it has worked well, but we are still working out some issues that are on the table.