Thank you all for your recent replies to my last post.

I am really trying hard to stay busy, take focus of off OM and onto H.

I want to be honest with you all when I say that I am scared that I have great potential to f**k the N/C all up when Feb 2(OM's bday) rolls around....I play it over in my head what I could say to OM...through an email I mean.

I just need reassurance that I wont do it. I dont want to do it.

K

Thanks guys,
Sally.

Heya, Sally! It's great that you're thinking this far in advance about a trigger for you. Now that you've started thinking about it, how about focusing your thoughts in a healthy direction?

- What are you going to spend that day doing?
- How can you manage to spend the day with people so that you can't write or call OM?
- Who can you have listed as backups that you'll call instead if you find yourself with telephone in hand?
- Who can you write all those thoughts to, and send them to safely (your mom, female best friend, coach, minister, whoever)?
- What other precautions can you put in place to keep yourself safe that day (and on all other days, too, for that matter)?

Hi sally2003,

I don't know if this makes sense or not, but it seems to me that if you are THAT afraid you're going to do something, you won't do it. I think I read Ann Landers saying that to someone years ago.

Adding to what Just J wrote, could you write your feelings/thoughts down, and instead of sending it to someone, tear it up? That might help get some of the emotions out without setting you back in recovery by contacting OM.

Hi Sally,
Your husband responded well to the letter you wrote him....why not work on another letter to give him that day?

And stay on this message board! I know how you feel....and you should be proud of how well you have done so far.

I didn't do as well....I called OM when his dad died. We talked about stuff (not our relationship)for almost an hour. At the time, it didn't seem like such a big deal, but now I know that the one I hurt the most was myself!!!! Don't do it to yourself. You are worth more than that. You need to be free of this addiction once and for all, and you have to be strong.

Now, I honestly don't feel much desire to contact OM through email....it took me a long time, but the desire is gone. Hopefully you won't be as hard headed as I was! Good luck-Diane

Thank you all once again for your insight.

Diane, its only been since early Dec since I last heard from OM....thats not long...how long did it take for you to get to the point where alot of your waking thoughts were not about the OM, or the obsession, as most relate it to?

Thanks again guys and I will keep posing,
S.

I don't want to discourage you...but a whole lot longer than one month!

But then I was hard headed and didn't start the NC thing like I should have until about 5 months after PA ended.

Then I slipped up some. I would still be thinking of him if I had not fallen back in love with my husband...that can happen to you too...and maybe it won't take so long if you will maintain the NC and try to do everything to meet your husbands needs while communicating to him how to meet yours.

Honestly, I never thought I would get to the point where I could offer advice...but, I can finally see where everyone here has been right about the NC thing (and lots of other stuff too!)

So...just keep up what you are doing...and things will get better where the OM is concerned. They can get better with your marriage too....you just have to not give up! Remember this mess didn't happen overnight, and it won't be over that quick either.
Diane

sally2003,
diane1223 wrote... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Don't do it to yourself. You are worth more than that. You need to be free of this addiction once and for all, and you have to be strong.Now, I honestly don't feel much desire to contact OM through email....it took me a long time, but the desire is gone. Hopefully you won't be as hard headed as I was! Good luck-Diane
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good advice. I wish you the best. kk

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

Maybe if you imagine how it will not only take you back to where you and H were BEFORE recovery, but that it will make it even worse than that. Because you KNOW he will find out eventually, matter of time.

Another D day for you both will only serve to make things more severe, Sally. Do you really want to start all over again?

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ January 09, 2004, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Resilient

You are very right....not only will i hate myself but i know if H found out, it would very likley mean an end to my marriage.

And I know it shouldnt matter, but I do know that if I wrote OM on his bday, he wouldtn respond. He realized what I need to realize l ong ago, that I was not worth the risk and the obstacles this secret long distance A was. Yet, I continue to cling to what I thought was so unique and great about our "connection". Trust me, I am very upset with my thougth process and that I cannot be stronger then I have been.

Sally.

I Bet those "feelings" you had were great. Don't you wish you could have them with your H?

I bet you could one day. But like anything else worthwhile, it'll take work, but only because it's worthwhile in the long term. It, unlike an "affair's feelings", lasts a lifetime.

You're very wise to realize Sally, that the connection you had was more about feelings you felt than it was something in the relationship. It was more about YOU.

I have faith that you will make the right decisions for YOU, cause this is what it's really all about, is you.

Much strength,
Jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sally2003:
Trust me, I am very upset with my thougth process and that I cannot be stronger then I have been.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree that you're not strong. You've come here to seek support and help in a sea of BS that could very well blast you out of their own anger and grief from betrayal. Yet you are still here, and thinking.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit.

I would say you should daily remind yourself that you are a good person, a caring person, one that is lovable and worth a good stable lasting relationship that can include the "feelings" you so badly want, but in your marriage.

Jo

<small>[ January 09, 2004, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Have you thought about Radical Honesty?
Why not communicate with your husband about your fear. I am sure he would be happy to spend the day with you to meet your needs.

Another D-Day just harms Everyone!

Sally

I think what you need to do is talk to your H about that particular day and reclaim it. Make it a special day between you and your H. All thoses dates that will cause you to trigger should be reclaimed. Start thinking of plans you can do with your H. And, your H should be helping with those plans. (He might enjoy a long weekend with you) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I agree with the others, your H would be happy to help you. Just keep being open and honest.

Just a thought,

talk to your husband about your concerns with the difficult day ahead.

When it passes and you don't contact OM don't simple feel releaved but us that milestone to fuel your own self worth and confidence that you can overcome this.

Don't simply look at the day as something difficult an happy to be over with on Feb 3 but as a possative building block. Let the accomplishment make you stronger. Tell yourself your stronger, your marriage is stronger etc. tell yourself again and again until you believe it.

remember "we feel what we think"

Then the next potential bad day will be all the easier to face and move past.

Sally

I understand you feeling but just DON'T ruin your life and your families life over a fantasy. It is way past time to let go of the fantasy and start living life with H instead of this "mental" image that can only destroy everything you have worked to gain. You know that what I am saying is the truth and that I care about you and your family and only want the best for all of you. You are hanging on the wrong things. Instead you should be hanging on to H and kids. Get over it!!!

Beau

Hi;

Sonof....yes I KNOW you are right that it is time to put this past me, and I AM trying. I am just finding it very very hard. These thoughts of OM do consume me, especially in very quiet moments. I try to force them out of my head, I try to shift the focus...it just doenst work that much. I am just telling you the truth because I do want to get through this.

I have come to see that I am at least a little stronger then I though I was capable of being. That I have got this far anyhow.

I just cant wait for the day where I don't give a crap about this anymore.

Thanks,
Sally.

Sally,
You are doing great...you wrote:
"I just cant wait for the day where I don't give a crap about this anymore."

That day will finally come if you continue to do your part by maintaining the NC & working on your marriage!

Keep posting, and reading. Diane

Hi Diane;

I dunno how great I am doing really....I am constantly thinking about OM when I DONT want to be because I know that is hastening the rebuilding process in my marriage.

I always wonder and hope that he (OM) is thinking of me , and that is WRONG. I shouldn't care. SOngs remind me of him, the kind of car he drove, when I see it, reminds me of him. Places do, etc.

I wonder ifthere ever really will come a day where I dont care that he isnt communicating with me or in my life in some way.

Thanks for the words Diane,
S.