I understand and accept that I largely contributed to the marital infidelity by not meeting WW Emotional Needs. My failing to meet those needs was borne out of ignorance (I thought I was a great husband). My problem is what I know of the affair and the things that WW said about both OM and me. I video taped PA and read e-mails. This "Fog" has made it impossible for me to believe that I can truely make WW happy. I feel like she is settling, like being with me is less than ideal. Can anybody help?
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BS (Me) 37
WW 44
M 15 yrs
Together 22
2 Kids 10/11
D-Day 2/14/02 (Happy Valentine's Day)

Cadaver,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry for the reason you're here, but I'm glad you've found us. I have quite a few questions based on what you said.

Am I correct in reading that it's been nearly two years since D-Day for you? Would you give us a little information about what's happened since then? Is your wife still in contact with her affair partner? How much time to you two spend together? Have you been in marital counseling? What have you done so far to try to repair your marriage?

Something does not add up. Have you been together with her since you were 15 and she was 22? Have you confronted her?

I understand and accept that I largely contributed to the marital infidelity by not meeting WW Emotional Needs.
You had nothing to do with her marital infidelity.
The problems in the marriage were parttly your fault but NOTHING you did is the cause of her affair.

You did not make her out and commit adultery. She made that decision to do so. Even if her ENs were not fulfilled that is still not an excuse to go and have an affair. If she was really unhappy than she had the option to work on changing the dynamics of your relationship by MC, IC, seminars, etc. or if still unhappy, filing for divorce. What she did, showed a lack of integrity who cares only about herself, and who has no strong belief in moral values and principles.It is your wife who is not worthy to be your wife. IMO if your wife is not remorseful and not working her butt off to rebuild the marriage get rid of her and move on. Life is too short to stay in a marriage in which you feel like you are second best.

IMO if your wife is not remorseful and not working her butt off to rebuild the marriage get rid of her and move on.
Can he move in with you so you can help him through all this?

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

"J" Sorry for the delay but here are the answers to your questions.

...Am I correct in reading that it's been nearly two years since D-Day for you?

Yes, it has been almost 2 years since D-Day.

...Would you give us a little information about what's happened since then?

Well...2 Psychologists, 1 Psychiatrist, 1 Kind Stranger (Wolf) and 1 MC. Found second psychologist/MC at the same time I stumbled onto Dr Harley's series. Early on struggled with suicidal thoughts, gallons of tears, months of sleepless nights, feelings of worthlessness and not being "right" for my WS.

WS has had NC with OM since May '02. She has been a model wife since the Affair. Problem appears to be all mine. I still feel "ugly" and like I'm second prize. I feel WS is making the best of it with me. I feel that while I may be her best friend, she has never had any "romantic" love for me, only for OM.

... What have you done so far to try to repair your marriage?

Counseling, talking, loads of face time, cosmetic surgery, weight loss, weight training, travel, gifts. All have left me still feeling like I'm still not as good as OM for WS.

Before Affair, I felt a high level of security and contentment in our marriage, like we were the perfect match for each other. Now, security has been replaced with the feeling of pity and duty on the part of WS.

Now, onto WhyMe's question

Yes, my wife and I met when I was 15 and she was 22.

My response to Yosh's comments..."IMO if your wife is not remorseful and not working her butt off to rebuild the marriage get rid of her and move on. Life is too short to stay in a marriage in which you feel like you are second best".

My WW has shown a great deal of remorse and has been working very hard. I don't know how she can stand to be around me. Before the affair, I was very strong and confident, now I am a pathetic depressed cadaver. There is no fire left in me, no joy or happiness just cold and lonliness.

Cadaver

Are you taking anti-D medication? If not this will help you feel alot better. Also, are you in individual counselings and talking about your feeling?

You don't have to stay married to a person that chose to have an affair that shamed and humiliated you. You still have the right to say that because of the affair and your pain over it that you choose to leave the marriage so that you can have a happier life.

You don't have to continue to feel that you are second choice. Any time you want to gain control over your feelings by removing yourself from the person that caused it is entirely up to you.

However, I would think that with IC you could come to a place where you feel happier.

Beau

Why do feel that your W is settling by staying married to you? Did the OM dump her?

Cad

Take some time a read TMCM MB Garage -- posted above. Take your time. Let it sink in. You will find valuable information here.