Hi,
I'm new to this site, just discovered my wife's 10 month affair 3 weeks ago. What a living nightmare. Did not eat or sleep for nearly a week. we've been married 10 years, she's 36, I'm 29, and we have 3 boys. The OM was one of our longtime "couples" friends, and was my son's longtime soccer/baseball coach. What a scumbag. She immediately begged me to forgive her and to come home, reluctantly, I did. There has been no contact, at least she promised that. She seems very sincere and sorry, and things have been slowly getting better for me. However, stupid me, I asked to know all of the details when I found out, and they are now haunting me. It happened in her car, I can't even look at it, let alone get into it. These "movies" of her having sex with him are constantly popping into my mind. Can anyone tell how long it takes (I know everyone is different) for them, and the resentment they bring to subside? Needing help, thanks.
Wanting to Heal

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. For me, it has been over a year since D-day and the images still hound me. I cannot get close to my WS because I feel someone is between the two of us. I have not kissed her since then and do not feel any desire to do so. It is also uncomfortable to feel her touching me because she touched someone else in that way. Although, I do not tell her, she senses that I am reluctant to close contact. We are all different and your reactions may be different as well.

Wanting to Heal,

You're right, everyone heals on their own timetable. But at three weeks it is normal to feel very raw and be replaying the scenes in your head over and over is par for the course.

We're out 17 months from d-day and I can honestly say that I never think of my H with OW in a sexual way anymore. For well over a year I obsessed about her but now I don't even give her a minute of my day.

Like you, I asked for all the gory details and I got them. In some ways I needed the details to help me fill in the gaps and analyze the present situation and make sure it wasn't still happening under my nose. But, yes, it made the videos in my head pretty upsetting.

But my healing has come. It's been a gradual, slow process, helped along by my FWH. He wanted to repair our marriage and did everything he coud to put the pieces back together. That was the key for me. Has your wife ended the affair? Does she regret it? Is she willing to see a counselor and work on the marriage?

Give it more time. When the waves of pain come, ride through them with the thought that some day you won't feel such pain anymore and, in its place, can be a wonderful loving marriage.

As an aside to Why Me: I think you should post about your situation in a separate thread because I think many of the veteran MBers could have a lot to say to help your situation. I am sorry that your pain continues to be so deep and debilitating after a year. I hope you'll begin to make some progress soon.

Wanting to be, I know what you are going through. It has been a little over two months since my FWW admitted what she had done. Like you those "images" were debilitating, I hated every minute that they played in my head. It took me about a month before I could stop wretching at the thought of my wife with someone else.

The images, I am very happy to say, have lessened a great deal. I think the key is the remorse that my wife felt and her willingness to help me through those hard times. It has not been easy and I will not sugar-coat it...but I think alot of it depends on your wife. There are still times when I look at my wife and want to sream "How could you do this to me?"! I have read alot on this site and it has helped a great deal. One memorable quote that I read (forgive me whoever wrote it I don't remember) stated that if you think your life or situation is negative it will be, and if you think your life is postive and hopeful it will be.

Alot has to do with how you look at your situation...the preverbial "half empty vs. half full". I know my wife loves me and I know that she is sincerly sorry for what she has done...her verbalizing this has meant the world to me.

Be open and honest with your wife about your feelings, and ask her to do the same with you. I wish you all the luck in the world...hang in there, it does get better.

Sevenselves

Wanting to heal,

Your post is almost identical to my first post.
You must immediately insist on a No Contact Letter. My first D-day was Sept.11, 2003. Take a look at my sig and see that I have had too many d-days after that. no Contact is VITAL to starting off on the right foot.

Please read everything you can on this site
Plan A/Plan B
Divorce Busting 180 degrees
Look for TooMuchCoffeeMan's Garage - he has a lot of great links (sorry I don't know how to link it from here)

This is so fresh for you and it was for me too. My WH had A with our live in Nanny - I felt like I had Loaded Triggers around every corner - there was no escape.

I read a book called "Surviving Infidelity" It suggested that every time you have your instant video play in your head, visualize a huge STOP sign. Stop the recorder - think of something else. Choose not to think about it - Choose not to let it continue playing in your mind.

Good Luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Keep Reading here and Keep Posting

I just had my 3rd year D-Day anniversary. I never got an admission or anything just endless denials and horrible fights. I'm in the military so when I got transferred in July 02 that ended her affair. It started around October 2000 and continued through most of 2001, probably into 2002 as well. D-day was 4 Jan 01. We had agreed to split up when I was transferred but just weeks before the movers got there she changed her mind.

Anyway the images are still there every day. Some days are worse than others. I don't think a day has gone by in the last 3 years that I don't think about it, during the day at work, when trying to sleep at night, whatever. Even when we have sex most of the time my mind wanders off to how, where they were when they did it. The images and thoughts have subsided over time but they are still there. I doubt they will ever go away completely. I'm really beginning to wonder if it's worth it to live like this for the rest of my life or if it's just better to call it quits after an affair.

from a guys view,

I feel your pain - my WW also well still is with a good friend of ours. He was also married and I know his wife is still having a tough time. (ten months since they both confessed and left the faithfull spouses)

I really never have had many mental pictures of my WW and OM. But lately I've been having dreams and thoughts about my WW with other friends of ours. I find myself questioning the loyalty of the guys that were in both our lives. And I don't know why.

I wish I could tell you a specific time that things will get better but try and remember that 3 weeks is very, very early in your healing process.

Good Luck.

Wanting to Heal: I completely understand what you are going through. I just found out about my H A with a family "friend" the night of my daughter's wedding reception - 12/20/03. I had to bring everything out in the open alone. H continued to lie for 3 days after. Even told daughters I was crazy and needed medication. Imagine ending your daughter's reception confronting the 2 of them in your hotel room. I had to drive home with H for 12 hrs. to a new city I had just moved to 14 days before. I gave up a good job, friends and moved from family for H. It was hell! It still is hell, but I am trying. He even had plans to rehire her in his new department. H said he thought they were such a good team before, it could stay that way for him. He does admit he was lying to himself. I too asked and got all the details - his Jeep, her car, lake, hotels, business conferences. I know what you mean about the slide show in your head, I have it every day. We are going to a marriage counselor and I asked him to see a psychologist - I will go for his support. I am reading everything I can, have opened up to our daughters, family and friends. He is only starting to. He blamed all of this on his job loss in the beginning, but is starting to realize the truth. I am always the one who did all the talking, no problem with that. I am attractive, 51, 2 married daughters and 1 beautiful grandchild. Funny, my previous job was HR counselor, but I wasn't enough for him. Hang in there! You will find the strength, just take 1 day at a time and do something just for you every day - listen to music, watch a funny movie, go for a walk and really breathe. I am very new in this, I too have not slept or eaten much in 2 1/2 weeks. I have cried every day, but I am trying to survive. I know you will too!!