A question, what is connectiveness and why are some men so prone to have a connectiveness with women they come into contact with?

Can't really say it's an EA, definitely not a PA but it is something that causes problems within my marriage.

Is it a personality flaw? For example, a man who relates extremely well to other women? My husband says he can talk and visit so comfortably because he is comfortable and secure within our marriage. Hmmmmm, I doubt these other women see that as the reason.

Any suggestions, comments or ideas?

K9L,

Boy do I know what you're talking about. You see it's what my FWH had to really address in his personal recovery plan.

When we were counseling with SH, he pointed out that some men find it very easy to demonstrate that they can meet women's most important ENs. They seem to do it effortlessly. They are a natural at making women feel comfortable, usually they are witty, funny and attract women easily.

Women are drawn to men like this because they like how THEY feel when they are around men like this. Each woman feels like they are "special" to the man who finds connecting with women easy. When in reality these men connect with most women easily. The men? They like the feeling they get when they have these women in the palm of their hand.

In my case not only did we need to recover from the affair; my FWH had to re-learn how he relates to women. It's part of his recovery plan, his commitment to me. Hope this answers your question! CSue

C Sue- you described my husband to a tee. He has ALWAYS been this way with women. He jokes around and teases with them. He will do anything to help them- take them to the airport cause their husbands won't- go over to their house and fix whatever is broke (cause its who he is- a caring individual) He's always had more women friends than men, he feels more comfortable around women and women open up to him.

I have witnessed this many times over the past 20 years and quite frankly have decided that I either accept it or leave. I just don't know how to change it- cause ya see, if I say anything or complain I am being "jealous" and I hate that green little monster- I am not jealous- I just feel that at times (most) he forms innapropriate friendships.

He is not involved with a women in a PA currently- he did that a few years ago and nearly destroyed the marriage- but he has an employee, unhappy in her marriage, she idolizes him, he'll do anything for her- (No, this is not a situation that I am worried about) but it shows that this is his personality.

She needed a place to live and knowing that we had a rental unit (next door) asked him- he said that she would have to talk to me about it- I am not jealous or worried about this- but sheesh, I get fed up with the fact that she spends more time conversing with my husband than I do.

I will quit venting- I really wanted to know what exactly your husband is doing to make you feel safe. I certainly don't feel that way.

Thanks for your comments

K9,

The blessings of this website...are when you find the people who know exactly what you're going through. Sigh...

I know exactly what you're talking about and in fact the type of behavior you describe about your husband didn't use to bother me about my husband until after he told me about his affair. In my case he knew the OW for over 20 years; but their PA lasted 4 months, then they went back to a non PA friendship for 4 years after he ended his affair.

But before I found out about the affair with his OW he had a relationship with a co-worker that I couldn't define. He and this co-worker had a connection that over time became very alarming. He and I struggled over this co-worker almost more than recovery from his affair/OW.

In fact how he chooses to/chooses not to relate to women occupied a large amount of our counseling with Steve Harley. I learned alot of fascinating things that I would be happy to share with you. In addition to his peculiar relationship with this co-worker, there was another woman who is in our circle of friends who formed a serious attachement to my husband when we were going through recovery. It was a great example for us to use as SH guided him forward on how he needs to relate more healthy with other women. This woman in our circle of friends is what I consider our first success in turning around he behavior that I have to say was somewhat unconscious on his part until we learned better.

We saw this woman at least twice a week, and he had lots of opportunity to practice relating in a healthy way with her - especially with me present. We were coaching with SH on a regular basis at that time and we got immediate feedback on H's actions, this woman's responses and we fine tuned it from there.

She seemed miffed for quite awhile, but we're a year past dealing with her to re-establish healthier boundaries & she no longer is glued to him whenever we're in the same room. That is a victory.

I may have some time today to share some specifics about what worked/didn't work. Also Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends" - covers this type issue well. CSue

k9love:

I'm not too familiar with the Enneagram stuff mentioned in many of the posts to these forums, but I am familiar with the notion of Birth Order.

Is your H an only brother among sister siblings? Or an only child raised predominantly by his mother?

I suffer the same problem as your H - as the only girl among male brothers, I have always been sort of "one of the guys." However, because my childhood home life was problematic and I often had to assume the role of a surrogate mother, I have real "mother hen" issues that prompt me to believe I can somehow "fix" men with issues of their own. Naturally, this is a very dangerous pastime for a married woman, and it has twice brought me serious trouble.

I'm not sure I'd refer to your husband's connectiveness as a "flaw," at least not in his presence. After all, who among us likes our faults waved around in front of us? I'm sure your husband would simply describe it as "compassion."

I would recommend you express your support of his "compassion" while at the same time explaining it's practical effects on your feelings... as well as those of his female "friends." Perhaps you can relate to him the concept of the "Love Bank" and explain to him that no matter how innocently he THINKS he is behaving, he is, in fact, depositing into the Love Banks of these other women while withdrawing from yours.

Counseling can't hurt, either, and while dealing with your H's connectiveness you can also explore any potential sources of insecurity or jealousy within yourself.

I wish I had more sophistocated advice to offer, but I do hope this little bit helps. Best of luck to you.

Sheesh, just lost a long reply...AGH!!

Oh well, I'll see if I can re-think it later - let me skip to the part in H's recovery plan that dealt with this issue!!

Has to do with the slippery slope and not even going close to the edge; which borderline relationships can take them to the edge.

This is Steve coached and it took H 2 months to write this in a way that Steve thought would work successfully. This was a very intense time in our relationship and our recovery depended on this workable plan. It's my husbands own words.

1. Be cordial and friendly with women without being intimate.

2. Look only at their faces when I talk with them.

3. If they look at me suggestively, look away.

4. If a woman suggests more, say I am uninterested and tell (me).

5. Speak only of my family in the most loving way.

6. Speak of (me) as my one and only love.

7. Look at and touch (me) lovingly but respectfully in public.

8. Understand my own needs and consciously block any attempts from other women to deposit love units.

9. Don't let women connect with me beyond a professional or acquaintance level.

10. Women who admire me - keep them at a distance.

11. Women who are dangerous to me include women who enjoy recreation that I like. Women who are pretty & sexy and stand close to me. Women who want conversation with me & women who want affection from me.

12. Immediately distance myself from women in any of the above situations to avoid the "first drink". Getting started can lead to "intoxication and loss of control" and affect my judgment slowly over a period of time.

13. My personality and charm and caring profession carry with them responsibilities. some women can be innocently attracted to me. I can damage them along with (me), my family, and myself if I am not conscious of the needs of these women. These women may want their needs to be met by me. I may be meeting some of those needs without my conscious awareness. I will recognize unmet needs in women I know and avoid meeting those needs. My relationship with other women will focus on (my) safety and the sanctity of my marriage and family.

Whew, that's it! And for the most part he does a pretty good job of living this plan. Going forward he's really successful - the tricky part was un-doing peculiar relationships that he had already established. He's been pretty good about not getting anthing new going. I'll post this before I lose it! CSue

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

K9,

You've been doing MB for a long time and are wise enough to know you can't demand behavior from your husband. I do think however you can let him know somehow what he could do to help you feel safe in your relationship. Here's some more from my husband's plan, but I think these are Steve's words -

Trust is a reaction, a response. I tell (me) that if she's (meaning me) going to trust me again, it's up to me. I am responsibile for being loveable to (me). For how my actions affect (me). Trust will be a product of my experience in the relationship. I am responsible for creating the conditions for (me) to be comfortable/safe in our relationship. Ok that's it!

K9, There are a few things I am not comfortable saying on a public forum.
But if you're more comfortable posting here that's ok - I think I've gotten across what I needed to say!

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

Thanks CSue- Ater pouring my heart on this forum I have since held back (particulary over the past year)

I will check out the site you mentioned- Also, is there any way I could obtain your E Mail address or vice versa without putting it out for the world?

Let me know- I feel you can help me with this problem.

Thanks

K9,

I too have posted less as time goes on. Honestly, I'm not sure what I have to offer to help most people; at least that's how it feels.


CSue

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>