Well I'm back in Plan B again and WH left me a letter today. He says he wants to reconcile, but is scared of me. Really I don't blame him. I told him I wanted his money, no cell phone, to know where he was at all times, NC letter to OW, get rid of motorcycles (that she has been happily riding around on for last 9 months), move (she lives down the block and I can't stand to see her drive by everyday smirking), and counseling.

He says he thought he would just move back and when I began to trust him, we could work things out. He said eventually the reason for the A would come out and then we could restore our marriage.

He also said that I appear to be moving on nicely without him (Thankyou Plan B). Well he is right about that. To me it seems like I will lose too much to trust him again. The deal breaker was his refusal to send NC letter to OW. He says it is pointless to send, even though I need it. Basically I have been taking care of myself, because he has not, and I feel like continuing to do so. Any ideas?

I'm not 100% sure, but your list is long
How long was Plan B?

I think NC letter (if you explain is more for you than for her) is vital. I think that is what I would want and need - particularly if there has been repeated stops and starts in your recovery.

What about counseling? All the items you listed are trust issues, what if you were to work toward making the marriage affair proof?

I am sure other, more experienced MB members can offer better advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Well I'm back in Plan B again and WH left me a letter today. He says he wants to reconcile, but is scared of me. Really I don't blame him. I told him I wanted his money, no cell phone, to know where he was at all times, NC letter to OW, get rid of motorcycles (that she has been happily riding around on for last 9 months), move (she lives down the block and I can't stand to see her drive by everyday smirking), and counseling.

He says he thought he would just move back and when I began to trust him, we could work things out. He said eventually the reason for the A would come out and then we could restore our marriage.

He also said that I appear to be moving on nicely without him (Thankyou Plan B). Well he is right about that. To me it seems like I will lose too much to trust him again. The deal breaker was his refusal to send NC letter to OW. He says it is pointless to send, even though I need it. Basically I have been taking care of myself, because he has not, and I feel like continuing to do so. Any ideas? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What part of all this scares him specifically? I admit that some of it is too much, but most of it is the LEAST he should be willing to do. I feel like he is still testing your boundaries in a big way, especially his refusal to send a NC letter. If that would stop him from coming back, then he isn't ready to come back. I sense he wants to just roll back in like nothing happened and pick up where he left off. Don't let him do that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> move (she lives down the block and I can't stand to see her drive by everyday smirking), and counseling.

He says he thought he would just move back and when I began to trust him, we could work things out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But you won't begin to trust him until he DOES those things you specified. It has to be EARNED.

Also, I don't blame you for not wanting to live by her, but she won't have anything to SMIRK about once he moves back. She will have LOST. That gives you the smirking rights.

Thanks for the replies. I think I am letting my dislike of OW get in the way. She was nasty to me. When I confronted her in July, she smiled and said at least she didn't drive by and say "NA NA, I've got your husband". She has slept with him in my house, my step-daughter's house, left her daughter and H for him. She left her H after he came back from Iraq, to no wife, no job, etc. In the meantime I have had to hear what a wonderful woman she is. It makes me want to puke.

yes, I would definitely have to move. I don't blame you a bit.

believer:

Whether you get a NC letter or agreement in place is between you and your H. By golly, though, it's sure easier with one than without. Coming home before he's dealt with HIS issues will be what's pointless, though, not writing an NC letter.

Try asking him what it would take for HIM 2 WANT NC? SS suggested that I ask my FWW that question. I haven't done so yet, but I don't think I need 2 either. Our sitches are different enough. But in general, I think that NC is vital, as nearly everyone here will tell you.

Bottom line is that your H is far from being "ready" 2 end this A and pull his head out of his nether regions. When he does, it'll take a while for the stink 2 sublimate. After all, he's been marinating in it for so long! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But the real "him" may still exist in there somewhere. Being in plan B, you're not going 2 be so affected by his behavior, and he has the chance 2 slog his way through the fog. Be nifty if he does so for HIMSELF, 2.

hang in there,
-ol' 2long

Goodwife- Sorry I didn't mean to ignore you. My story is much like yours. D-day was in July, and since then there have been multiple D-days. The first time he decided to have NC with OW, they went to a motel to finalize it. Since then he has told me about 10 times that there is NC with OW. She was never gone more than a day.

The other thing that has been very hurtful is that H has given me no money for the last year. He has spent all his money on OW - which he still denies, even though I have bank statements.

I have been in Plan B (Thankyou marriagebuilders) for 12 weeks, and I am getting stronger and stronger.

No Contact Letter is a Must - Do not let him back in until that happens.

Trust is earned, but it is also given. If you don't leave yourself vulnerable, you give yourself no chance for intimacy (meaning intimate conversations and moments) with FWH.

Nothing should be hidden from you - passwords, finances, time allocated, etc...

Through counseling he will see that these are things that will help you trust and open up to him. Counseling will also help you make your marriage affair proof.

Hi Believer,

Here is my 2 cents worth: the n/c is critical. Try explaining to him that, even though he has ended it with her, that the letter - something in writing - will help give "backbone" or "teeth" to what he may have told her...that it will bond you as a couple, because he will let her know that you are receiving a copy of the letter. Yes, the letter is for you individually, believer, but equally important - it is for you as a couple and for her as the OW.

I don't know what he does for a living, but let's just consider for once that he is in sales. He calls a client on the phone, the client agrees to spend a billion dollars on your H's product. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> H is thrilled and reports the sale to the boss. Boss is ecstatic and praises your H...good job. However, until and unless your H puts that order in writing to the client, confirming the phone conversation, there is really nothing that proves to anyone that this order exists. Without that piece of paper, the verbal orders are meaningless.

That's the way I think of the n/c letter. Regardless of what our WP may have told their OP, we need to see confirmation of those statements in writing, and we need to be in agreement with everything contained in the letter.

Hope this helps. I wish you all the best, believer!

Thanks for all of the support. I know I have to have NC letter. The rest is negotiable. I can see where H would be scared to come back - I didn't present a very attractive alternative.

My H always was a very good man. He raised 2 kids by himself until we got married. I am hoping that the H I used to know will come back.

GOOD FOR YOU, Believer! Speaking from my own experience, don't let your husband come back until you are satisfied with what you expect from him. I let my WW back twice only to be burned. She said this and that and never did any of it. I said you promised to do these things and she just said, no, I never promised, I just said I would. I don't get her lies and justifications. What's the difference between promising and giving your word? I just don't get it. So, from my point of view, don't do anything you are uncomfortable with...

KUDOS to you Sparkle - I love your analogy!

GoodWife92,

{{{bowing}}} {{{blushing}}}

Thanks, GoodWife. Sometimes it helps to break it down into normal, everyday experiences.

...now, if it can just help believer and her (hopefully)F WH to understand.

Believer, perhaps you can take this example and put it in terms of whatever it is your H does for a living. Surely there is something in his life that requires documentation in writing in order to make it "stick."

Good luck, believer!

I intend to stay in Plan B. He will have to at least write a NC letter.

believer,

I agree that, for the most part, you need to remain in Plan B.

However, you may need to guide him - lead him - show him the pathway - of why the n/c is necessary, rather than just demanding it or insisting on it as a condition of recovery.

I believe that this is when the stronger person - yes, it's the BS - needs to surface and help the WS to understand. In a way, we are an interim counselor/coach...but VERY short-term!

Help him to see why the n/c is needed. Be gentle with him; this is painful for him as well (tough to grasp, but yes!); just don't "demand" n/c...but establish boundaries that include n/c as the first boundary.

And in the meantime...have a great weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />