Hello MB community! I have been reading the Discussion Forums for some time but have put off registering/posting until now.

I am a WS (2 times) who feels just awful about it. I am a very insecure person with ridiculous ENs, most of them stemming from a verbally abusive & highly critical parent. I have wrongfully expected my husband to somehow remedy (or diminish) that insecurity.

At the time of my first A I was very angry at my husband and behaved in a very self-righteous way, placing all the fault with my husband. This time, the A started off innocently enough and was emotional rather than physical. Sadly, I did not "learn my lesson" after A1 and allowed myself to stumble into the same pattern of seeking satisfaction of my ENs elsewhere.

A2 has been my wake-up call for figuring out alot about MYSELF. Unfortunately, though, it is the straw that has broken my H's back and he is living now (temporarily) with his parents and planning to file for divorce. I'm heartbroken that, now that I've finally had some real revelations about who *I* really am & how I can work to make our marriage stronger, I have come to this understanding at the cost of losing my H. Like the old fable about the wife who sells her long hair to buy the hubby a watch chain while her hubby sells his watch to buy her a fancy barette.

I love my H desparately, and I know he still loves me despite it all. However, he immediately broadcast the (incorrect) details of my A to all his friends & family and is in a situation now where he cannot "save face" and work through this with me. I have trampled his pride & that's bad enough, but the outside influence of his judging friends (not a slight - wouldn't we all stick up for our own injured friends in such a circumstance?) is making it impossible for him to commit to working with me on rebuilding the marriage. We speak to and visit with each other often, but he has hidden this from his family and friends.

I guess I'm just looking for a little moral support... and ADVICE. Help?

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Guess I should clarify what I'm seeking info about, huh?

All the literature I've read so far is geared toward the BS; and although I learned alot from the book SAA, I'm having trouble figuring out what *I* (as the WS) can do to demonstrate personal change & my genuine desire to reconcile with my BS.

Anyone got a good (meaning POSITIVE) story that could possibly help me? I want so much to "make things right," as much as that is possible, and I just don't know what I can do. Hubby is not living with me at this time and has not told his friends/family we are even speaking, so I feel very limited.

Reformed wanderers, please advise!

Most men love to solve problems. If you can propose your dilemma to your H in an unaccusatory way (meaning you don't blame him for the actions he's taken), you may find out what it would take to get him back.

Make him the shining knight come to rescue you. He's already part way there by continuing to talk to you. If you enlist his aid in "fixing" you, he may return long enough to introduce him to the MB principles. Let the focus be on you first, before you can focus on the marriage.

Culprit007 what made you stop having the affair. i ask this because my wife is having affair with her coworker and is very mad at me for tell everyone she is tell me that iam acting like a kid. she is just lieing about the affair she has not come clean yet. i dont live with her and dont think i will want to go back to her because of all the hurt she has cause me and my kids making me look like the bad guy. i know how youre husband feels just show him that you love him. Culprit007 how long was youre affair was it hard to end it.

eemd:

My (most recent) "affair" was an emotional one that began as online chatting via IM; the fellow was an acquaintance with whom I'd worked in the past at a previous job. We had never met.

This guy completely misrepresented himself to me as a lonely widower who blamed himself for his wife's death, which appealed to my "mother hen" nature. I befriended him somewhat grudgingly, but felt very sorry for him & thought I could "help" him by being his friend.

I agreed to meet him in a town halfway between where we live while my H was out of town. My H found a receipt for gas I bought while out of town, then started snooping through my email accounts & eventually tracked the guy down.

Although nothing physical happened between the OM & me, when my H called him on the phone to confront him the guy LIED LIKE A RUG & told my H that he & I were an "item" and had been intimate. Because I *had* had a PA in the past, my H believes this guy despite my protests. The whole thing is like a cross between Jerry Springer & The Twilight Zone. Obviously, though, I look like a total liar.

The short answer to your question is that I was "busted." But it only lasted a month and I was already at the point of telling the guy to buzz off. (I had figured out that he was a nut case, but not soon enough.) H beat me to it.

I *can* tell you the real downfall of advertising your wife's A to all your buddies: should you decide to try to rebuild your marriage, you will fear looking like a schmuck to those you told. My advice is to tell only your closest friends & family, and discuss with them *your* contributions to the faltering status of your marriage as well as your wife's adultery. That will allow them to truly try to help you in whatever you decide to do rather than just passing judgment on your wife's behavior.

I'm a newbie at this (MB), so I'm sure someone more experienced will have better advice to give than my humble opinion.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. My personal recommendation, though, is for you to at least read "Surviving An Affair." Even if you choose not to reconcile, the book offers powerful insight into general human psychology & may help you avoid relationship pitfalls in the future.

i only told close friends and family but one wants to get involed. i have no help that what makes it hard.

eemd:

I, like you, have a shortage of friends/family to help me through this trying time. These MB forums seem pretty friendly, though - and helpful. Just keep plodding along here and hopefully you will find a bit of comfort.

Hello,

I have to tell you that your husband is basing his feeling on your actions rather than your words which sound hollow and meaningless to him. You get caught in a physical affair in the past. He forgives you and you get busted in an emotional affair and get caught lying to your husband about planning to meet up with him. What do you really expect from your husband. Why should he believe your words and not your actions?

I would strongly suggest that you offer your husband that you would wish to take a polygraph text to prove to him that there was nothing physical. Maybe he will believe you then. I just don't undersand after you have a husband forgive you for the first affair that you would allow yourself again to get suck into an emotional affair that would humiliate and disrespect your husband one more time. Again how would you feel if your husband was doing all of these things to you? I wish you luck.

Bryan:

I completely understand my H's feelings and am fully aware of the damage I've inflicted and how my words surely sound to him. FYI, I did not lie about meeting the guy in question; I never mentioned it to my H at all (a fine line to be sure, but there you have it).

What I *expect* from my husband is exactly what he's doing. My forum post, however, was a request for advice from other BS/WS on how they coped with such a situation... not a reprimand for what I already know to be a hideous mistake.

I did offer to take a polygraph and go to the OB/GYN for tests to determine when last I had sex, etc. H was not interested in these technicalities.

Although the "tone" of your post seems to lack the compassion I hoped to find here at MB, I do appreciate your wish for luck.

Thanks for your post.

Culprit007 .i have to ask you this how did you feel when you was haveing the affair. my wife just lies and act like she is so happy. was you happy when you where doing that to youre husband. the om how did he feel know you where married. did you tell him bad things about youre husband etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> what made you end it .