iam so mad. my wife is having a affair with cowworker we do not live together when i exposed it to everyone . she get mad tells me that iam acting like a kid. she will not tell me anything about the affair. it is still going on she works with him. she will not talk with me and when she does its only about the kids and when i try to talk about the affair she hangs up on me on the phone. then if i go to her place she will not open the door or let me in. sometime she will not let me see the kids when she get mad at me.the om man is brought her a gift. i have 3kids and she is putting us though hell.iam in planA now but all she want to do is act like she on drugs when i see her and try to talk. anyone can you tell me what can i do to get her to talk in a nice way and tell me about the affair so i can get her to end it. iam at the end of my rope i getting sick and tired of trying to kiss her a@@. to be nice to me i didnt have the affair. the only way i talk to her now is email. tell me some thing i can write to her. she argue with me yestrday. everyone is telling me to stop being her doormat and divorce her but i love her and my kids. she tells my mom that iam not going to change and she is lonely but idid but she does not see it and s but she still lies about the affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> only way i talk to her now is email. tell me some thing i can write to her. please help.

if i go to her place she will not open the door or let me in.
Then don't go to her place.

sometime she will not let me see the kids
The kids should be living with you.

can you tell me what can i do to get her to talk in a nice way and tell me about the affair
There is nothing you can do. You should do Plan A.

so i can get her to end it
There is nothing you can do to end her affair.

tell me some thing i can write to her.
Don't write anything to her. You need to SHOW her changes in you.

she argue with me yestrday.
Don't argue back It is a Love Buster.

she tells my mom that iam not going to change
So SHOW her you can change.

We cannot do any of this for you, except make suggestions and guide you.
If you choose to ignore it, then you can expect nothing to change.

Here is what you need to do.

Read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
Read all the links in my signature.
Don't expect ANYTHING to change until YOU make significant changes and make them part of you. And it's not gonna take few days. You will need to be consistent and make these things a habit.

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

eemd,

Bumping this one up so you can see Chris' good advice. Read it carefully then follow it. It is for your protection.

L.

i read saa. the kids does not live with me because iam living with family and its not much room. and were the kids go to school those are good school. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

eemd...

you aren't hearing any of anyones advice...

are you...

stop spinning
focus..
listen...read...listen...read...

you need to ground yourself in a plan...
PLAN A

here's the same advice I gave below...to none of which you responded...
eemd...

you need a plan..
you need to stop all aspects of chaos on your side...

you need to STOP argueing with her on anything...

You need to become as stable and as attractive emotionally as you can...

each interaction in which you engage back in with her in argueing and powerstruggling makes the OM look more appealing and feeds her irrational justification of her own actions...

I told people about the affair because living in lies is wrong

I told people about the affairs because I am very hurt and need some support.
period.

IF your wife is not home when she should be...then you go home to those kids and be with them untill she returns each and every day if your have to...

you MUST step in and offer them security no matter what your wife does...
you can not control her..
her make her do anything....

Let her do her thing...YOU take care of the children...they need you..

be calm and serene when she comes back...
begin to meet what and any needs she will let you no matter what..

you are way way way to focused on her and her bad behavior...and need to pull in the reigns...

what you want is to make every interaction each encounter a pleasant as you can...
each powerstuggle just fuels the fire of nonsense banter and blame...and takes away the calm needed for her to see the error of her own ways...

and the reality of her actions...
as long as you give her reasons no matter how ludacrious to blame you....she doesn't have to look at herself...

become a steady support and rock for the children
speak quietly and calmly
end each and every conversation in which she tries to get you to rise to the bait...with
I'm sorry I have to go now...

you are floundering out there...
and need to get yourself together...
I know it hurts..and is turmoil..but slow down and take the time needed...

keep your eye on becoming the husband and father you envision being...and move towards becoming him...
REGARDLESS of her actions...

ark

thanks ark.

eemd,

I agree wholeheartedly with the advise given to you.

It may sound unfair, unjust, that the BS needs to be the understanding one. Has to be the one to try so hard, at a time when you are suffering so much. Have so many questions, and no answers. The reality is there is a competitor knocking at the door. There is an OP that wants nothing more then to be there to console her when you flip out and interogate her. She will run from you further into his arms which in her mind is a safe place.

This was my experiance. When I found out something was up, but did not know everything. I pounded my WW constantly for information. If we were together for 4 hours in the day, I interogated her for 4 hours. All I got were lies. I got a little better as time went on to lay off and try to spend quatlity time together but a day did not go by without me insently hounding her for more info.

It took one month for me to get the whole truth through the use of spy equipement. Luckily for me by then, I found this site which taught me exactly what aark, Orchid and Chris said above.

I followed the advise of this site, and tried to just get her back. I was not perfect and I explained to her that I was trying and to please understand, but I tried and it worked. One week later she filled me in on all the stuff I did not know. She did not have too but did because she wanted to, because she felt safe telling me.

For one month the OP was her shoulder to lean on and he took full advantage of it. Using me to get at my W. He was her safe zone. They were co-workers. Our home was the battlefield. She dreaded coming home as she knew the interogation would start as soon as she walked in the door. These were her words months after D-day.

As unfair and as injust as it may seem, if you love and you want her back, then that is the goal you have to work towards. I also think that by following MB's principles, you will feel better yourself.

To Chris: I have the kids Th-S. They are young and I really do not know how much it bothers them to have to go here and there every week, but should I push to have them with me everyday? This would slightly agitate the wife (only because she pretends to love them SO much, but in reality would rather spend all of her time screwing her lover). Should I press for this, or should I just leave it as it is?

I was SO angry about the relationship with this woman that I ended up with a broken arm -- and I didn't care! My concern was this relationship. I kept blowing up when he talked about her. After the affair was exposed, I was even worse -- for months on end.

I don't think you can handle Plan A. I tried to Plan A and couldn't. I should have recognized that fact and GOTTEN OUT OF THERE!!! Don't D her. But you are not protecting your M by exposing yourself to her when you feel the way you do.

Now that I am finally getting over the anger, I realize how much DAMAGE I caused by how I acted.

If I were to do it all over again, I would have followed my gut instinct to separate -- about six weeks before the first kiss. But I don't have it to do all over again.

thanks for all the help. i expose the affair to family and friends wife is embrass she does not come around noone but the affair is stiil going on. we are separated and she is mad all the time at me and also as long as she is working with the om i think the affair will contiune. she picks up to and from work.i getting fed up help.