My kids and I just moved back into our house three days ago (out for three weeks) after WH got rid of his cell phone and said he was not going to talk to the OW. I had recieved a call from her stating that she would not contact my husband any longer and told me to have a good life. I found out yesterday that she called my house and they talked while I was out of the house.

The day we moved back I got a call stating that I am in violation because I took my foster son out of the state to stay with family to try to resolve these issues. I cannot have anymore children and now I think I have to give back my foster son (who we were hoping to adopt before all this started) because he needs a father figure. I have not confronted my husband that I know he spoke to her again.

I am so depressed. I just feel I am going to lose everything that we have worked so hard to get.

Any encouraging words? I pray everynight with my beautiful daughter that things will turn around.

We are seeing a counselor and the couselor told me not to turn him away when it comes to having sex because that is what he wants, but I believe he is having sex talk with the OW and then wanting to act it out with me. I feel so used.

Thanks
Lost

Things are not as bad as they seem. WS's often have trouble detaching themselves from OP. See if your H will write a NC letter. This is still very new for you, things will probably get better.

Write a letter to her or a letter to me stating that he will not contact her?

They had a supposed last conversation, so why should he write a letter?
The OW gave me her word that she would not contact my H again, so I believe now is the time that I contact her H and let him know of this affair. She said he already knew of their "friendship", but I do not believe that.

DO NOT contact the OW husband. He might go balistic and throw her out of the house, in which case she has no place to go and no one to talk with. Who is she likely to turn to other than your husband? I think that as 'good' as this might feel, you might very well hurt your marriage drastically.

Your husband might think that you are vendictive. He still has feelings for this person, and therefore he will not want her hurt. He doesn't want to hurt you, but he knows he already has. I fear that should you cause ANY strife in his OW's life, you might bring about sympathy for her from him.

Don't do it. I would quietly confront him about it, and then let it drop depending upon what he says. Don't harangue him, but let him know in no uncertain terms that another contact with her means that he needs to move out. I would say it lovingly, but look him in the eye.

Whether or not you confront him and how you do it... DO NOT CALL the OW's husband. Someone has a name on here like 'Dontbangonbeehives'. I think that you should definitely let this lie for a little while. If he continues to contact or accept contact from her, then I think you should take it up with him, succinctly and to the point. Should it continue, then I would have no qualms about opening the door of the affair to the husband.

Hi lost- I have been in your position- my WH refused to end contact with OW despite saying he intended to. My H's relationship with OW was a very charged EA/PA and he saw her everyday at work which made it VERY hard for them not to talk. She would throw crying screaming fits when he said he was going back to me and then he would get so depressed he would get back together with her and then she would pressure him to divorce me. Eventualy my WH did file on me and that was the day he woke up to what he was actually doing! But up until then she was an addiction that was like heroin for him to break. By all means I recommend telling her H- he has a right to know - but do it as gently as you can and anonymously if necessary. With your WH- I recommend heavy doses of PATIENCE combined with equal parts TOUGH LOVE and FIRM BOUNDARIES. If you apply all those then time should do its part to help your situation. An affair is like a soap bubble that eventually pops when it can't sustain itself. Have you read the book "Love Must Be Tough" By James Dobson? It addresses how to set firm boudaries with cake eaters. Also -keep posting here and keep hope alive- because statistics and time are on the side of your marriage being restored if both of you come to the point where you are willing. The hard part to deal with is that as long as WH is having ANY ongoing contact with OW that can't begin to happen. My WH insisted he didn't love me, he wanted a D, he loved OW, and we had no sex for 9 mo. yet our marriage was STILL restored! If I were you I wouldnt be having any intimacy with your WH as long as he is not engaged emotionally in restoring your marriage. It will make your recovery harder in the long run if you do. Take care- lifeismessy

Formerly:

I have thought about that very thing. About not contacting her husband because it could cause further problems in their marriage, but on the other hand she gave me her word (for whatever that is worth) and she broke that promise. I think I will confront my H first about his contact.

Lifeismessy: I have read that book Love is Tough by Dobson and I tried to have my husband leave the house many times because I took away his cell phone and he went out and bought another, so I felt he made his chose to continue his EA.

I am still very confused about the whole sex issue. I think a lot of our problems revolve around sex for him. Not necessarily wanting more (since he was getting it four times a week), but more in the lines of pornography ideas, spontaneity, all hours of the night, etc., and some gross things I will not mention. But I wonder if all this is generated by this A, wanting that new and exciting feeling.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, do tell OW's H. This is part of Plan A, exposing the A to the light of day. Right now it is still a fantasy, a dirty little secret, and exciting and fun. Help the A see the light of day and not be so exciting and fun. Yes, there is a possibility that she will come running to your H, but then again, you may be giving their M a gift of a chance of working things out.

A NC letter is VERY important. Can't tell you how many stories I've heard on here where a verbal agreement was broken. A NC letter was the best thing we ever did, and marked the beginning of our true recovery. At the time it seemed a little like overkill, he had already told her and sent her email. But to have him write down the words, for me to see the letter and ask him to add stronger or different wording (and this is an important part, you have to see the letter, and see it being mailed) helped me realize how serious he was. Without the NC letter I just was not sure if he had said what was needed to be said... Don't skip this step.

Also, what precautions is he taking to prevent contact in the future? My DH removed the chat software from the computer (their main means for contact). I've heard of people changing cell phone numbers, changing email or blocking email. Easier to do all at once in one fell swoop than to do each "as needed", don't let the situation arise. Also remove yourself from all social situations or work situations where the OW might be... this is a tough one. Some folks even move to a different city or state. Drastic? Maybe, but isn't your M worth it?

The EA is mostly over the phone, but I know he has called her from his work place. We live in different states. She is a customer service rep at a company he has to call for his job. I told him they have many other reps that he could talk to about a question or problem, avoid talking to her. I feel like calling up her company and finding out if they can block his work number from going to her phone.
My WH again made his last call today and said goodbye and told me over and over that he does not want me to call her husband. My H went to her city for a training and it would be interesting to know from her husband where she was on those days that my H was there.
I called and told the OW that when she gave me her word that must not have meant much and she lies as much as my husband does. I told her there are consequences to her actions.
Our counselor told me today our marriage looks bleak. Since my H continues to lie. The counselor said my H is a sex addict and will never be happy.
I will have to talk to him about writing that letter. I am sure he will be against that.

Rarely does a WS want you to to call the OP's spouse...they are afraid of the consequences. But... if you don't tell the OW's H you are covering up for her and keeping a lie. It is the right thing to do to your H is asking you to lie for him (by withholding the truth).

If your H is against writing the NC letter then you should really question if his intentions of reconciliation are true. Letter or not, communication with the OW is common, but more likely if he is not willing to write the NC letter.